To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

She's behaving stupidly. Who knows why.

This.

Two weeks is still enough for a very strong bond if he conforms to “charming abuser” type. Calling her names isn’t helpful.

I would say she's being reckless.

By this logic, all of his victims were "stupid".

If I'd received your message 2 weeks into a relationship with my ex, I'd have thought you were the problem.

By two weeks in, he'd already briefed me in how all of his exes were "nightmares", "delusional", "obsessed with him"

I was going to be the one to fix his life. Obviously.

The op doesn’t know it’s been two weeks, she’s made an assumption a photo was titled “2 weeks with this one” that doesn’t mean they have been together for 2 weeks she could have been referring to something else

Yes, then shortly after I acknowledged that stupid was harsh and perhaps not the right word to use. Its an incredibly frustrating situation. I spent five years being beaten and raped by a man like the man in my OP. What I would have given for somebody to tell me what he was capable of at the start.

So did you think this man was wonderful at the start?

I have every sympathy with women in long ten relationships which turn abusive, and who struggle to leave because at that point the relationship is intertwined emotionally, financially, as probably involving children. I would not call her stupid, I'd call her trapped.

But to ignore the information that OP provided (with
proof in the form of press reports) less than two weeks into a 'relationship' actually IS stupid.

MN is only too keen on calling men stupid, but apparently using the term to describe a woman, however stupid she is being, is forbidden. This place is infuriating at times.

Long TERM, even

But @PeeAche2 - did your abuser have newspaper articles describing the violence he had previously dished out to women? Been to court for? Convicted, & served jail time for?

I'm guessing not. I'm guessing you would have realised you couldn't fix that amount of dysfunction. And that a prison sentence for violent acts against women clearly described in news accounts (as per those sent by OP to this woman) was NOT something your ex could have talked his way out of.

But this woman is allowing him to - she's posting loved-up facebook pics of them despite all that clear cut evidence.
She is being ... very stupid indeed.

Even with all the hard evidence of his crimes you’d be questioning the person who brought it to your attention?

Only in the strange alternative universe of MN is a women looking out for another woman wrong.

Of course this guy shouldn’t be in a relationship and of course the woman should have been warned. If this woman was your sister or daughter wouldn’t you want them to know?

Thank god there are people like you in the world OP to do what is needed rather than everyone just minding their own business.

Yes “stupid” might not have been the kindest word but it’s obviously the OP’s frustration with the whole situation given her own history of domestic abuse.

I don't think she's stupid, but having had that info from the OP will probably get rid even more quickly than she might have otherwise done if he shows any evidence of that behaviour.

Years ago I was seeing someone, he seemed fine until one day about a month in we had a disagreement about something and he ‘showed’ me his fist. He didn’t strike me but just gesticulated it. I cut off all contact from that day, why? Because I value myself and have a zero tolerance for violence. When you’re already entrenched it’s more difficult but two weeks? There’s no excuse for not walking away.

She is stupid certainly. But you've done all you can do, it's not your responsibility.
Women are generally of the view that they are "different" and "it wouldn't happen to them". Until it does.

I certainly wouldn't be following their social media though - that's a bit odd. Just leave her to it. It's got nothing to do with you at all.

@Wellyboots12 I can’t believe some of the replies you’ve had! YANBU and you’ve done a good thing trying to warn this woman about the danger she is putting herself in.

It sounds like the new girlfriend thinks it won’t happen to her because she’s different to all his previous partners. She’s stronger, clever, understands him better etc which definitely isn’t the case. He won’t care about any of that when he hits her.

@Wellyboots12 This should so patently be a 100% YANBU, but here we have the contrary and deliberately obtuse liberals all ganging up on the OP for advising someone of this brutal wife beating child beating POS.

Well done OP you absolutely did the right thing. I can't for the life of me understand the opinions on this one.

This woman has been told, it is up to her now what she does with this information. Surely any rational person would run for the hills.

I think you did a really good thing trying to warn this woman.
I would certainly be running for the hills but for some reason she has wanted to stay.
Hopefully when his behaviour becomes abusive, having the background you've provided her will encourage her to leave.

You are so right! Why are there posters on here defending the woman choosing to stay after just two weeks and criticising the woman trying to warn her, it’s nuts! Being trapped in a relationship is the worst feeling in the world and a big reason why I chose to not have any more relationships and live completely single now. Unless they’ve literally locked you up you are not trapped if you’ve been seeing someone for just two weeks, in fact you have a bloody great open door saying Exit (or Escape)! If you choose not to go through that door then you’ll just have to deal with the consequences.

She isn't a victim...yet. She's gone into a relationship knowing all that information, that makes her stupid in my book

I agree with this.

Mutual friends with the ex

and so the ex’s friends are still socialising with him

And yet the ex remains friends with them?

No, just the ones who knew his entire history at the start.

This woman is a fucking moron, if she does become his victim she can blame herself.

You would have ignored news articles telling the public about his convictions and his prison sentence? Why? Would you believe his ex had people inside the press, courts and police all willingly lying about this man? 😂

God this man must have a golden cock. Even people who don't know him think he is innocent clearly.

You've helped her see the danger she is in, because you don't want the same happening to her. You can do no more.

Is it laudable that you gave her all the information? Yy, it is. She deserves to know.
But it's wrong to call her stupid because she didn't automatically react the way you thought she would. You have no idea how enmeshed she already is in the relationship even after a short period of time. You have no idea how volatile he is already being. You have no idea of her relationship background that may make her vulnerable to abuse and manipulation.
I understand why you're frustrated but you should understand that you have no idea what is currently keeping her there.