To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

You’ve done all you could, you warned her, you sent her hard evidence. She has Google and Claire’s Law at her disposal. He is obviously manipulative and practiced at reeling in vulnerable women and sadly she’s fallen for it. There’s nothing more you can do.

And if any of your contacts were abusers? You don't in fact GAF if women and kids are abused. Check.

I think the biggest red flag in a man (DV convictions aside obv) is that he doesn't see his children.

This bloke has 5. He's not allowed near his eldest after blowing his chance at supervised contact, the other 4 are either adopted or in long term foster care.

You'd have to be pretty deluded to believe he was unfortunate enough to have not just one but two 'crazy exes' as the mothers of his children.

The common denominator is him of course.

Just why would anybody want somebody like that?

I think some of you are probably right in that she may have some self esteem issues or previous trauma that make her a good target for somebody like him.

Glad to hear you are out of it now! The trouble is some people’s idea of supporting women is to minimise their responsibilities to themselves and encourage victimhood. Women need to have zero tolerance for violence before they are in too deep (ie trapped). I know some will have historical trauma from violent childhoods etc but I’m talking about needy women who’ll put up with anything to have a man in their life.

The responses here are shocking and yes, misogynist. So a woman who warns another woman about an abuser can only be doing it because she's "unhinged" "jealous" "overinvested" etc - all emotions you assume she's feeling because of some previous sexual connection with a man.

Is it really beyond people's comprehension that not every woman's decision is motivated by seeing other women as competition, or wanting to "win" a man?

OP, you've done nothing wrong, in fact what you've done is admirable, and yes, the woman is being stupid. Everyone who said you wouldn't warn another woman about an abuser, shame on you.

Everyone who said you wouldn't warn another woman about an abuser, shame on you.

100% agree. Some of these comments are unbelievable. This woman is walking eyes wide open into a relationship with a known abuser. She's not a victim she's an idiot. I'd have zero sympathy for her if it went pear shaped.

Well that's a much more measured post than your last one..

"you are abusing the woman you are talking about, hurling insults at her. Just because she’s anonymous and she doesn’t know doesn’t make abuse ok."

This utterly ridiculous! How can saying an unnamed woman in an unnamed town is stupid be "hurling" insults? Surely to hurl you need to be face to face? Or are we supposed to believe that no woman is ever stupid...because she's a woman?

Are you completely certain it was the woman who received and responded to your messages? Could he have intercepted them? Could the pictures on SM be of him with a different woman? Just a thought.

Of course abusers can be manipulative etc but people going on about victim blaming are way off the mark, this woman hasn't been tne victim of anything. Its sad that some people seem to excuse women making stupid decisions but sadly she will learn.

you are abusing the woman you are talking about, hurling insults at her

Case in point, hurling insults what a load of rubbish.

I'm certain yes

Not your job to police abusive mens behaviour, but your job to police womens behaviour when they try to prevent other women being abused?

Interesting take on life. 🙄

I don't think it's stupidity. It's denial.

She's desperate for love, probably has very low self-worth, and he has bombed her with what validates her; male affection and approval.

This is a societal issue. Many women have this problem where they go with absolute wastes of oxygen because the alternative of being single is too much to bear.

Why? And how can we tackle this for future generations? I have a daughter and I don't want her to do what I and so many other women have which is settle for an absolute loser. (I left mine eventually)

Sometimes people are stupid and do amazingly stupid things. YANBU to think she's being stupid, because she is. I refuse to make excuses for adults who should know better and turn a blind eye to the painfully obvious truth.

You've tried to warn her. At this point, there's nothing more to be done. She had the information to make a better choice, but it's her choice to make, her life to ruin.

Yes, she is stupid. She’s been armed with the info at this early stage and has chosen to ignore it. People need to take responsibility for their actions and not blame it all on being a victim of someone else.

One of the barriers to women recognising that they need help is the narrative that women are victims of abuse because in many cases women see themselves as strong women who love troubled men.

Many women will swerve out of the path of abusers either because of hard won experience, or because they were lucky in their upbringing not to have had their self worth disrupted, or been conditioned to feeling responsible towards men.

Women lucky enough to have good fathers, have stronger shark cages but they can still have weak bars from growing up in a culture that reinforces Beauty and the Beast stereotypes about a woman’s place and worth in relation to men.

OP you have done the right thing, and done what is in your power. What she does with that information is out of your control. Hopefully she will wake up sooner than she would have if you hadn’t planted that seed.

But she isn’t you; and you haven’t time travelled to your own past for a second chance. Sorry, that’s facetious, but it’s probably part of the unconscious thought process. And you have things to forgive yourself for in your past choices. Let her go and focus on your own healing.

But would you inform your friend of his behaviour/history if you were made aware of it?

It's mind boggling that she'd want to be with him, even if she thinks he's changed or that he's managed to convince her of that.

the other 4 are either adopted or in long term foster care.

presumably these children have mothers?

so it would not have just be down to him the removal of children

Op o suggest you talk to your friend and suggest she unfriend herself from friends that are still socialising with her ex, so she doesn’t need to see photos of him

Fabulous.....You think she deserves everything she gets.....Something wrong with you.

I agree, beyond stupid. I hope she doesn't have kids but if she does I hope they're taken away until she leaves this relationship.

I would inform a friend to warn them yes, a stranger no.