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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is stupid

407 replies

Wellyboots12 · 13/05/2022 10:36

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

OP posts:
Villagewaspbyke · 13/05/2022 12:41

Fullsomefrenchie · 13/05/2022 12:24

Op are you rhe ex? Is that why she’s ignored you? Does she think you are a jealous ex trying to split them up? Is that what he is telling her?

the point on calling her “stupid” has been made, so we can move on, but now you’ve lots of others, piling on, also calling her stupid.

however I won’t, becayse I don’t know the woman, I don’t know her issues, and I’m not convinced you are not his ex, they had only known each other two weeks and you found her and were warning her, so you caught that pretty damn quick

you are clearly pissed off about the “loved up” images and “weekends away” Which is written like a jealous ex, as otherwise you’d just have written they are still together and seem happy.,,you are continuing to monitor social media on him and her, where as if this was just concern, I’d expect you to be expressing that concern about her welfare, not be pissed off and calling her stupid.

so as much as staying with a known abuser is foolhardy, concerning and dangerous, the question is why has she ignored you and it could be she thinks you’re a jealous ex, and he is now putting his side forward or had warned her you’d call to “try to split them up” . It could be she has low self esteem, has her own mental health problems, some people go from abuser to abuser, there could be many reasons she’s chosen to ignore this and proceed.

Sadly some women delude themselves over abusive violent men (in some cases I think because they perhaps were brought up with traditional gender roles and think having a man is everything). They do sometimes think that other people are jealous too, just like pp because they cant understand why otherwise they would get a warning.

I don't know if stupid is the right word for it, but its certainly not making smart choices about your life. If you have been given reliable information about someone who is a dangerous and violent individual and has been in prison for assaulting previous partners, you should definitely give them a very wide berth.

MolliciousIntent · 13/05/2022 12:42

HeadNorth · 13/05/2022 12:41

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time. Of course this woman is being stupid. It is akin to that numpty who has decided to marry Levi Bellfield. Saviour complex - they are different and better than other women so the abuser will treat them differently & better. Very misguided, very stupid.

Because women are all helpless victims when it comes to abusers, they have no agency or ability to think for themselves!

Isthisit22 · 13/05/2022 12:45

LetHimHaveIt · 13/05/2022 10:48

Agree. Hardy victim-blaming; she's not yet a victim of anything, it would seem. She's deliberately elected to ignore completing evidence. If she got kids, she's demonstrating she can't put them
first. Stupid.

Show quote history

Agree with this too. Surely women have to take some responsibility for their choices too?

AchatAVendre · 13/05/2022 12:46

HeadNorth · 13/05/2022 12:41

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time. Of course this woman is being stupid. It is akin to that numpty who has decided to marry Levi Bellfield. Saviour complex - they are different and better than other women so the abuser will treat them differently & better. Very misguided, very stupid.

Apparently that woman was originally "introduced" (I assume she was writing to him in prison) to Levi Bellfield by the Yorkshire Ripper...

EvilPea · 13/05/2022 12:48

She will believe she’s different to the other women, that he loves her more, that he wouldn’t do it to her. That perhaps they were weak and she is strong, he will see that and won’t touch her

until he does

@Wellyboots12 I understand your frustration. You’ve done the right thing, you can sleep at night knowing your conscious is clear. I hope when he does (because he will) show her who He is, it will make her jump rather than stay.

Unsure33 · 13/05/2022 12:49

PollyDarton1 · 13/05/2022 10:49

Calling her stupid is entirely unreasonable and victim blaming - sure, if I was faced with that situation I wouldn't be sticking with the person in question, but the nature of abusive individuals is they have an answer for everything and can easily and adeptly explain away certain things by manipulating situations to suit them. She may very well be a professional woman, but she could also be incredibly vulnerable to this type of person.

You've done what you felt you needed to do. Rather than blame her or name call, just recognise that should she start to see red flags, she has a plethora of evidence that would back this up and don't get involved.

Yes BUT she has been given the opportunity to check through claires Law . So she does not have to take anyones word . Why would she not do that ?

notagamer · 13/05/2022 12:51

We have mutual friends

you are friends with people who have remained so close with him that they go out socially with him?

PurassicJark · 13/05/2022 12:51

@Fullsomefrenchie &. @PumpkinsandKittens

What does it matter if she is an ex, a friend, a cousin, or Mildred down the street? She knows this man is a horrible bastard, she has proof of this, the police have proof of this, social services do, the courts do. She has told another woman about this, quite rightly so, because other she may never have found out.

What does it matter about how she knows him? Do you think it makes her wrong to do it if she is an ex? I don't get why you keep harping on about it when it makes no difference.

This woman has seen evidence, not hearsay, that he is an abuser. She has been given proof, how could the op have faked a court case and prison sentence exactly? It is her own foolishness that is letting her continue this ridiculous relationship, guessing she is too lonely to give him up. She is a fool, and she will sadly pay for it by getting beaten up or worse.

PumpkinsandKittens · 13/05/2022 12:54

notagamer · 13/05/2022 12:51

We have mutual friends

you are friends with people who have remained so close with him that they go out socially with him?

Exactly what confused me! Given how bad this man is

dotdotdotdash · 13/05/2022 12:55

notagamer · 13/05/2022 12:51

We have mutual friends

you are friends with people who have remained so close with him that they go out socially with him?

You sound unhinged 😂

HRTQueen · 13/05/2022 12:55

She might not look at Claire’s Law because he has already started working on her and if she informs him that she has been warned he will twist that too

Op has done something very positive to help her the best way she can

maybe she is lonely, has low self esteem, is crazily infatuated we don’t know but she has been warned and hopefully that will keep her safe

SeedyBloomer · 13/05/2022 12:56

YANBU. Totally disagree with the angle that you are somehow ‘victim blaming’. She isn’t a victim. Yet. She’s two weeks into a relationship - TWO WEEKS FOR GOODNESS SAKE - and is being given clear evidence that this bloke is an ex convict with convictions for domestic abuse, had destroyed the lives of various children, throws women down stairs, head butted another…

This woman has been warned at the earliest stage possible about what he’s like and she’s deciding to carry on. If that’s not stupid, what is?

Stupid: ‘lacking common sense; showing an inability to think clearly.’

Some posters need to stop defending the inexcusable. The woman is making a very stupid mistake. Whether or not you view her as weak and vulnerable, choosing to stay with a man who batters women in front of their children is stupid when you are warned about it as soon as you get together.

Can’t quite believe that people are replying to you as though you are outrageous to call her stupid.

HRTQueen · 13/05/2022 12:58

And why all the digs at the op

ffs she is trying to warn a woman to not get involved with this very violent man and she is being ridiculed

some on here need to really take a good look at themselves

tootiredtobother · 13/05/2022 12:58

NOTAGAMER -
op is not unhinged

dotdotdotdash · 13/05/2022 12:59

Sorry, I shouldn't feed the trolls.

You have tried to protect this woman OP and you did the right thing.

SVRT19674 · 13/05/2022 13:00

Of course she is stupid, she is only two weeks in. But the same thing happened when my cousin´s ex found a new victim She was a lawyer, quite successful in her field. She was warned from day 1, not even two weeks in. She told my cousin that he was lovely and with her it would be different, because he really loved her and unicorns and rainbows and my cousin was a liar even when shown reality in colour photos and hard documents. She chose to ingore it. Sometimes whe have to make our own mistakes and learn the hard way. You have done the correct thing and there is nothing else you can do. Detach and just leave them to sort themselves out. It is heart breaking watching a car crash happen in slow camera but so are things.

sqirrelfriends · 13/05/2022 13:00

HRTQueen · 13/05/2022 12:58

And why all the digs at the op

ffs she is trying to warn a woman to not get involved with this very violent man and she is being ridiculed

some on here need to really take a good look at themselves

Agree with you completely @HRTQueen

itsabouttimetoo · 13/05/2022 13:03

Abuse is so complicated and abusers are incredibly clever and manipulative - maybe stupid wasn't the right word to use but I can understand your frustration OP. I have been in the same position, my abuser was engaged to a new woman who would have had absolutely no idea about this situation - I chose not to reach out due to the exact reason you have stated, that he would say I was crazy and she wouldn't believe me, I was also scared that he would send people after me to hurt me, his family were also complicit in my abuse and another partner's abuse which made it all the more complicated - at times I have regretted my decision, but what you did was very brave and I don't know why you're getting so much hate on here OP saying you sound unhinged.

The question about if he was so bad why does he have friends? - my abuser has friends, mutual friends to me in fact and while my close friends believe what he did, I know that the mutual friends choose to look past that (probably because a) letting male violence slide and b) the man in the partnership was better friends with him originally and they probably cannot comprehend what I'm saying with the person they believe him to be and is to some people in his life. I know that they are supportive of his engagement despite knowing what he has done. I also know directly of two other women that he has abused, seriously to the point of hospitalisation - the first woman was his best friend who I met. In hindsight, they were quite bizarre together and later when I questioned where she had gone he managed to convince me that they had just had a falling out. Now I know that they were probably in some sort of sexual relationship and I know that he abused her, but he managed to convince everyone close to her that she was the one with the issue. It was only when I got a screaming crying call from a new girlfriend much further down the line that he had tried to kill (post my abuse) that everything began to click into place. I am an intelligent, savvy, independent and brave woman and he groomed me over a number of years to be able to abuse me. The girlfriend after me was also the same. He has a specific type - looks and personality wise - he also chose women in different cities/countries that made it hard to connect the dots.

You did the right thing OP.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 13:06

notagamer · 13/05/2022 12:51

We have mutual friends

you are friends with people who have remained so close with him that they go out socially with him?

Mutual friends with his EX. Not him.

BellePeppa · 13/05/2022 13:07

MolliciousIntent · 13/05/2022 12:42

Because women are all helpless victims when it comes to abusers, they have no agency or ability to think for themselves!

Show quote history

That’s how it seems on Mumsnet. No matter what bad choices you make it’s never your fault, you’re always the victim.

Tigofigo · 13/05/2022 13:08

I don't think I've ever read a thread with such irritatingly contrary replies.

Referring to someone anonymous as stupid on an anonymous site is abusive?? What?! That's SO insulting to people reading this who have actually been abused.

Saying it's none of your business and keep your nose out - again, WHAT?! Regardless of how OP knows, why wouldn't you warn someone?! I think you've absolutely done the right thing. He sounds evil.

I think maybe the more appropriate word for the woman in question is naive. She probably thinks with HER it will be different. With HER he'd never do that. SHE will be able to put an end to it. Also the guy had probably got a good fake story he spins about how it's all made up...

I hope she's right and with her it won't happen. But I don't fancy her chances.

Tamzo85 · 13/05/2022 13:11

I voted YABU. Just because YABU to think this would go some other way or waste your time. It’s really not worth bothering or putting yourself in harms way over someone who is just going to ignore you anyway and would back up their boyfriend to f he turned on you.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 13:11

SeedyBloomer · 13/05/2022 12:56

YANBU. Totally disagree with the angle that you are somehow ‘victim blaming’. She isn’t a victim. Yet. She’s two weeks into a relationship - TWO WEEKS FOR GOODNESS SAKE - and is being given clear evidence that this bloke is an ex convict with convictions for domestic abuse, had destroyed the lives of various children, throws women down stairs, head butted another…

This woman has been warned at the earliest stage possible about what he’s like and she’s deciding to carry on. If that’s not stupid, what is?

Stupid: ‘lacking common sense; showing an inability to think clearly.’

Some posters need to stop defending the inexcusable. The woman is making a very stupid mistake. Whether or not you view her as weak and vulnerable, choosing to stay with a man who batters women in front of their children is stupid when you are warned about it as soon as you get together.

Can’t quite believe that people are replying to you as though you are outrageous to call her stupid.

Exactly - & it's demeaning to women to portray us all as automatic "victims".

Anybody outside of this woman's situation can see that she is highly likely to become a victim too, & soon. Yet she cannot see it herself. How wilful that is we cannot know. I suspect she feels shielded because she works with DA survivors - "it couldn't happen to me because I am clever/strong/experienced/he will love me more than the others" ...

Women are not automatically victims. But any of us - no matter how smart, strong, etc - can become one, & to ignore the clear evidence that this man is such a wrong'un speaks of something either arrogant or delusional about this woman.
In short - she may not be stupid, but she ain't half acting it.

Manicsfan · 13/05/2022 13:12

I think you did right thing OP. And now it's none of your business if this woman brings hassle and pain into her life. You can step aside knowing you have done the right thing.
No one likes to be told they are making a bad decision. We can all be defensive. But perhaps when the red flags start to appear, the info you provided will give her confidence to leave him.

BellePeppa · 13/05/2022 13:14

Isthisit22 · 13/05/2022 12:45

Agree with this too. Surely women have to take some responsibility for their choices too?

Show quote history

Not on Mumsnet they don’t. People on here are acting as though she’s been with him years and has been ground down with the abuse etc but she’s only been seeing him TWO bloody weeks! If that’s not stupid, foolhardy, whatever anyone wants to call it then I don’t know what is!