To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

Fabulous.....You think she deserves everything she gets.....Something wrong with you.

As someone who fled a relationship where I was a verbal and physical punchbag, I most certainly don't think people 'deserve' what they get. But if you're not going to listen to what people are telling you then if shit hits the fan of course it's your own fucking fault for ignoring good advice. If I tell you my dog bites and you stick your hand in its mouth anyway, damn right it's your own fault for ignoring the warning.

Yet here you are policing the ops ?

@Wellyboots12

What is wrong with some people? Over and over on threads we see people posting "You MUST tell them" about abuse, infidelity, criminal convictions, etc etc. But when someone actually DOES it, they get blasted!

Of course you were right to tell her AND to provide proof. And I think I also probably would have thought "Are you stupid or what?" if I saw later posts of them all loved up. But I think 'stupid' isn't really what someone means in this situation, they mean 'willfully blind'. This woman may be a theoretical physicist or a member of Mensa, but she can still be just as blind as the next person when it comes to emotional needs vs what is 'good'.

You've done all you can do. Now the best (and healthiest) thing you can do is block her and him from your SM.

@noborisno

The 'answer' is two-fold.

Those of you with daughters must raise them to be fearless, confident, and independent. They need to be taught that being alone is better than to be wishing they were. That having no man is better than having a bad one. That they can walk away at any time and be received back with "I believe you" and the full support of the family. Too many times a woman's own family will say "for the sake of the children" or "What did you do? He is always so nice to us". My own mother was scandalized at the thought of one of her children being divorced. Thank God for my father and his wisdom. He just said "Tell me what you want me to do".

And those of us with sons need to raise them to respect ALL people, that violence is NEVER the answer, and that their testosterone-excuse-making bullshit will not be tolerated. Not by their mothers, not by their sisters, not by their daughters, not by anyone within their sphere. We need to back our son's wives and girlfriends to the hilt in cases of domestic abuse, not fall back on "He's my son" or "blood is thicker than water". I am lucky in that my two adult sons are good men and I have confidence in their respect for women and their belief in non-violence in any conflict. But if my DiL should come to me, you damn bet I'd listen to her with an open heart AND an open mind.

This is going to be the work of generations. It's changed since I was a young woman in the 70s when there was no such thing as rape within a marriage and most domestic violence was considered the woman's fault and her shame for 'antagonizing' since, you know, 'the menz have tempers'. We're now, what, almost 2 generations from then? We've made progress but we're fighting an uphill battle. And battles are won step by step.

If you saw a house on fire, what would you do....... do tell!

And what @AcrossthePond55 said...

I would inform a friend to warn them yes, a stranger no.

Why on earth not, @PumpkinsandKittens ?
If, like OP, you had clear, documented evidence of violence, convictions & jail time for DV, & an easy social media route to give her the warning?

That's shocking. And troubling.

It's not victim blaming as she wasn't a victim of anything at that point. She was a person who had been presented with facts and choose to make a stupid decision. You did all you could do op. It will be her issue now if he turns violent towards her not yours. Ultimately some abusers are very clever at hiding it until they have their next potential victim trapped.

Your subsequent posts did change quite a lot in tone...

But in this post you are telling the op what its not for her to do i.e. policing her behaviour, which is ironic given the post

no I wouldn’t, simple, It’s not my job to police people like that.

Stonking post @AcrossthePond55

no I wouldn’t, simple, It’s not my job to police people like that.

It's hardly a JOB though is it @PumpkinsandKittens .
Not as if you have to get up at 6:30am & endure a long commute.
A short message with links to the news articles - & you're done.

It wasn't OP's job either.
Any more than it was my job to warn other women about the handsy guys in our friendship group. It's just something that decent women do for each other.

@PumpkinsandKittens apparently prefers to police women trying to look after each other instead.

To be fair it is easier to try to keep those pesky women that she has never met in line that try to stop male abusers. But to each their own 🙄

Yes, she’s stupid. It’s not victim blaming, that’s a load of rubbish. Working with domestic abuse victims as she claims should mean she is aware of how these arseholes operate by turning on the charm initially, and at two weeks in, being faced with all that evidence and not getting out before she’s in too deep is stupid, no other word for it.

Well no I wouldn’t stalk my ex or any of my friends exes on social media, find out who they are dating and them message them. I don’t think that’s normal like I said! I don’t know anything about my friends exes lives and I certainly don’t watch their SM.

I'm not my brother's keeper....... righteo...

The op posted a thread asking for opinions big difference!

Well done. It is good to know if your new snake is harmless or venomous. It doesn't mean you'll get rid of the snake, but you will watch it a bit more carefully. Hopefully.

You need to let it go. You've done everything a reasonable person would potentially do - let her know the history. But beyond that, you need to let it go. It's not really any of your business moving forwards.

The op has clarified several times thats not what happened here, you are being deliberately obtuse and twisting the facts

Still wouldn’t message if I did see it in the way of the op but then I wouldn’t as I wouldn’t stay mutual friends with people who are friends with him which I’ve also already said!

Well yes, one senario gives you the opportunity to try to help someone help themselves

The other senario gives you the chance to be mean to be op

As i said each to their own.

Me personally, I wish more people cared about those in their community (not necessarily a geographical community either) and looked out for them

I once dated a guy who turned out to be abusive. An ex girlfriend went out of her way to warn me. She didnt need to, but she made the effort. She wasnt unhinged, obessive or any of the other derogatory comments that have been flung at the op.

His behaviour had been bothering me, but he was extremely good at gaslighting and so i probably wouldnt have left him as soon if I hadnt had someone else confirm my suspisions.

Pretty sure the only way you could know if anyone on your entire social media was friends with your ex would be by keep checking your friends contacts, which sounds a whole lot more stalkerish than what the op did 🙄

So do you now continue to check his SM and warn others he is dating in the same way?