10yo DD called a “fucking bitch”‘ at school

[northlundunmum]

AIBU to think that the level of swearing at DD’s primary school is not ok? Usually this is boys, during playtime or PE…

Examples - Today’s PE lesson was Hockey DD tell me that one (partially unpleasant) boy (UB) repeatedly got her stomach and shins during the game - she felt on purpose. Her team won and at the end of the game (admittedly not her finest hour) she shouts out “ha ha we won!” - to which UB retorts to her “you fucking bitch”

She also tells me the boys regularly swear at her during playtime football (she plays on the girls football team) - they shout things like “kick the fucking ball!”

She learned the N word from another child at school.

Full disclosure: I do swear in front if my children when the situation call for it and talk to them about swearing. I always explain what swear words actually mean and how adults use them. I discourage swearing at home, but have said if they need to use a swear to acturately describe a shitty situation that that is ok but I strongly discourage using swear words to describe people or show off.

I’m sure there wasn’t this kind of language when I was at primary school - but is this just the norm now? Genuinely interested to know - how much swearing is there at your children’s primary school? We are in London - does that that make a difference?

YABU - swearing insults at each other is normal for 10yo these days - suck it up
YANBU - this is unacceptable - complain to the school

thank for your advice!!

Saying it’s the responsibility of schools to tackle this doesn’t mean either that parents shouldn’t be tackling it too; OR that schools being asked to take action is remotely “exactly why the problem exists”. If you actually read all the Ofsted and government material on this, it’s very clear that harassment of girls by boys within schools and the ignoring of this by schools is a huge problem.

It is part of the school’s responsibility to tackle this, just as it would be a workplace’s responsibility to deal with harassment in the workplace. That doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t also be responsible. But legally and morally a school ought to have responsibility to address harassment that occurs on the premises of children who they have a safeguarding responsibility towards.

Ten is the age of criminal responsibility, so a boy of ten needs to know harassment isn’t acceptable — otherwise the boys shouting “fucking bitch” at the girls at ten are more likely to be the teenage boys sexually harassing girls, and the men sexually assaulting and abusing women later on.

Saying it’s the responsibility of schools to tackle this doesn’t mean either that parents shouldn’t be tackling it too; OR that schools being asked to take action is remotely “exactly why the problem exists”.

I agree that schools have a role to play here and should (and do) address these issues. I've already said that further upthread. However, the emphasis being on schools rather than parents is contributing to issue not being solved. The cold, harsh reality is that if a child has grown up in an environment where, for example, racist language is commonplace, it's not the school's fault when the child turns out to be racist. It's the parents.

If you actually read all the Ofsted and government material on this, it’s very clear that harassment of girls by boys within schools and the ignoring of this by schools is a huge problem.

I have read the published materials on this and, again, schools should be (and are) addressing issues in this area. However, again, suggesting that misogynistic and even abusive attitudes and behaviours originate in schools and not within the home /digital exposure is short-sighted at best.

@honeybushbunch

Ten is the age of criminal responsibility

You actually want a ten year old charged with a crime for calling another ten year old a name in school? Talk about an overreaction, if everyone thought this 99% of the school would have criminal records by the time they graduated. When (and it’s when not if) OP’s child swears at another kid shall she also be criminally charged or just this boy?

@Tamzo85 Don’t be daft; there seems to be a shortage of reading comprehension on this thread. I certainly didn’t say that he should be charged. My point is just that ten plus isn’t just a small child any more, and harassing behaviour that goes unchallenged in a boy of ten sets a pattern for later life when it’s not just kid behaviour, but seriously abusive behaviour — just dismissing it as “oh that’s just what kids are like” perpetuates the fact that boys and men can just get away with misogynist, abusive and aggressive behaviour towards girls and women with no comeback. How often do you read on the Relationships board about women stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who belittles them and calls them names? Verbal abuse is now covered in the new domestic abuse act. It’s not just something trivial.

Why should a ten year old boy be made excuses for when he’s starting in a pattern of that behaviour? That’s how abusive men start off, and how they perpetuate their behaviour into the next generation of boys who learn it and more importantly then learn that this behaviour goes unchallenged when they copy it.

@Iamnotthe1 nowhere at all did I say that this behaviour originates in the school. The school is not giving lessons in misogynist name-calling, is it? Of course a child learns this at home and/or amongst peer groups. But the school also has a responsibility to act against poor behaviour and to prevent pupils being verbally abused on the premises.

I'm a yr6 Teacher & sadly, it appears to be a sign of the times; can't tell you the amount of times I've been on the receiving end of the F word!! I'll never get over the shock of being told to go F myself by a very small person!! 😕

@honeybushbunch

You say that as though plenty of girls aren’t using just as foul language that would be unacceptable in an adult workplace and directing it at boys - but they are. Boys swear at boys, boys swear at girls, girls swear at girls, girls swear at boys.
Punishbit at school at the time I say, but it’s not part of some big social agenda because the reality is if you make it one then the next day some mouthy girl will say something abusive to a boy and then what?

nowhere at all did I say that this behaviour originates in the school. The school is not giving lessons in misogynist name-calling, is it? Of course a child learns this at home and/or amongst peer groups. But the school also has a responsibility to act against poor behaviour and to prevent pupils being verbally abused on the premises.

But you did say that it's on the school to fix it. Schools cannot fix it, only address the symptoms, because they are not the cause of the problem. As a society, we need to have higher expectations of parents and their role in who the child becomes, but we also need to be giving more support and advice to enable parents to rise to those expectations.

It was the norm when I went to primary school in the 1970s. I think a lot of the time we didn't even know what the insults we were saying to each other meant… e.g. "Blow me" was a popular one used by both boys and girls!