10yo DD called a “fucking bitch”‘ at school

[northlundunmum]

AIBU to think that the level of swearing at DD’s primary school is not ok? Usually this is boys, during playtime or PE…

Examples - Today’s PE lesson was Hockey DD tell me that one (partially unpleasant) boy (UB) repeatedly got her stomach and shins during the game - she felt on purpose. Her team won and at the end of the game (admittedly not her finest hour) she shouts out “ha ha we won!” - to which UB retorts to her “you fucking bitch”

She also tells me the boys regularly swear at her during playtime football (she plays on the girls football team) - they shout things like “kick the fucking ball!”

She learned the N word from another child at school.

Full disclosure: I do swear in front if my children when the situation call for it and talk to them about swearing. I always explain what swear words actually mean and how adults use them. I discourage swearing at home, but have said if they need to use a swear to acturately describe a shitty situation that that is ok but I strongly discourage using swear words to describe people or show off.

I’m sure there wasn’t this kind of language when I was at primary school - but is this just the norm now? Genuinely interested to know - how much swearing is there at your children’s primary school? We are in London - does that that make a difference?

YABU - swearing insults at each other is normal for 10yo these days - suck it up
YANBU - this is unacceptable - complain to the school

thank for your advice!!

Absolutely not acceptable dcs' primary and secondary schools would come down hard on this kind of language.

First child?
If you're suggesting that the OP is being pfb about her 10 year old child being called a fucking bitch at school, then you are weird.

Laughed at the not swearing at home but they can swear to describe a "shitty" situation.

No, it is not OK your child was called a fucking bitch and these responses are ridiculous. Speak to the school.

You would be OK with your child being called a fucking bitch?

Report times 10.

Fucking bitch is derogatory and he hasn't made it up, hes either heard it on a game or from a sibling or parent and he needs to know it's not ok, not have it normalised by having it ignored.

Swearing wasn’t done when I was at primary school either. I distinctly remember a senior school child say a very mild swear word when I got to year 7, and I was completely shocked!

I don't think it's acceptable but it is normal. Unfortunately it only gets worse as they get older.
I have heard children as young as 6 swearing and it just seems to be normal.

Definitely in many city schools you will find a small proportion of children who use that kind of language, and others who copy. The school definitely needs to address it though, as long as they are not accepting that it is ok/normal! Did DD tell anyone and was there a consequence for them?

No acceptable but you should also teach your child about being a gracious winner and not taunting the other team

I would mention the name calling to the school but wouldn't get worked up about the football comment.

I am a secondary teacher at an inner city comp and our kids would be in trouble if they were reported for using this type of language to another student. I have sent a kid out for using 'crap' in my lesson before.

I would also want to know if my son had done this

It was the norm in my primary school over 30 years ago.

It sounds v similar to the current situation in Y5 at my kids otherwise very nice village school. Our school is taking it very seriously, stepping up education around bullying, racism and the right way to treat people while upping the consequences for such behaviour. Some specific kids have been suspended as a result of some specific incidents.

I would def speak to the school if what you describe happened to any of mine.

This isn’t acceptable and certainly wouldn’t be tolerated at my son’s school (y6). I would speak to the school and ask them what their policy is on swearing - and why it isn’t being followed. To do nothing is to normalise it.

You definitely need to speak to the school. But you also need to stop swearing in front of her. You can’t really say it’s ok for adults to do it sometimes, and her to do it sometimes, but not others. I know it’s not the same but it makes it muddled and a bit hypercritical.

I'd say swearing is getting worse, for sure. In frequency and degree. This week I had a Yr 6 child essentially mansplain to me that 'twat' isn't a swear word. Supercilious little twat.

Not all of our kids go to ‘naice’ schools which follow the sporting calendar with such rigour. Is THIS really the main point you took from a thread about a 10-year-old girl being abused in such a misogynistic way? If so, please may I point you in the direction of the eye-opening Feminism boards on MN?

No way would I be tolerating my child being called a fucking bitch . I’m shocked that people on here think it’s par for the course.

I am genuinely shocked that a 10 year old girl being called a fucking bitch is considered ok by some posters. Misogyny really is here to stay.

I'm not sure I would be worked up about "kick the fucking ball." Nor would I be upset about "shitty."

I wouldn't be thrilled about something directed at my child specifically, like "fuck off" (rather than a generalized "fuck," if you will).

But bitch or the N-word are completely unacceptable and should result in immediate and serious punishment.

There's a difference between generalized swearing and being derogatory. The former is not ideal, perhaps, but both unstoppable and (in my own mind) not terribly problematic. The latter is not only racist/sexist but potentially actionable.

I think it's normal for kids of that age to know swear words and use them when talking to each other (or it certainly was at my 80s village school). However, using that language in my kids primary school (which is in a rough part of London) during a lesson would be very unusual and the school would come down on it hard.

The victim blaming on here! Seriously? If the DD had been more ‘gracious’, this wouldn’t have happened?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

May be I am old fashioned but I think swearing like this in primary school is shocking and I do not think girls should just let comments like this wash over them!
Not sure what the 'Hockey in May' comment is about - our primary have been playing hockey and netball this month too.

Thanks so much all for your thoughts and perspectives. Really helpful to see the balance of views. Sad that this isn’t an unusual occurrence in primary school.

Just coming back on a couple of points:

She is at a state primary - they are just trying out hockey.

I take on board the comments about mixed messages about swearing at home. Have resolved to be clearer about swearing about situations and using swears to insult people. The later being not ok.

I completely agree her behaviour wasn’t acceptable - and have spoken to her about behaviour having consequences - but I find it really tough to find the line between “you deserved it” and “that was not ok” in general. This is where the collective wisdom of MN help me find the line of reasonableness (😁)!

Personally I think it helps to draw that line way back at a young age with both boys and girls to lay down the pattern of acceptable behaviour later in life… if the boy had slapped her for her remark - would that have been ok? Is calling someone a fucking bitch akin to a verbal slap?

Also the comments about swearing in the workplace have helped - people do swear in my work place (my self included) about stressful or difficult situations but no one would dream or using a swear as an insult either to their face or about them when they aren’t in the room. If someone called me a fucking bitch at work there would be no doubt I would raise it with HR and they would more than likely receive a severe reprimand or possible lose their job.

So, mainly for that reason, I have resolved to write to the school - not about the level of swearing in school generally (which I was thinking about) but about this specific incident. DD did tell me she did tell a teacher that he was “told off” but the she believed this didn’t or wouldn’t have any impact on him. I doubt my letter will precipitate much stronger action but I do think it’s worth being clear with the school that this is unacceptable - even if provoked. Will let you know how I get on!

Also - first time doing a poll - how do I access the results?