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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10yo DD called a “fucking bitch”‘ at school

133 replies

northlundunmum · 11/05/2022 19:16

AIBU to think that the level of swearing at DD’s primary school is not ok? Usually this is boys, during playtime or PE…

Examples - Today’s PE lesson was Hockey DD tell me that one (partially unpleasant) boy (UB) repeatedly got her stomach and shins during the game - she felt on purpose. Her team won and at the end of the game (admittedly not her finest hour) she shouts out “ha ha we won!” - to which UB retorts to her “you fucking bitch”

She also tells me the boys regularly swear at her during playtime football (she plays on the girls football team) - they shout things like “kick the fucking ball!”

She learned the N word from another child at school.

Full disclosure: I do swear in front if my children when the situation call for it and talk to them about swearing. I always explain what swear words actually mean and how adults use them. I discourage swearing at home, but have said if they need to use a swear to acturately describe a shitty situation that that is ok but I strongly discourage using swear words to describe people or show off.

I’m sure there wasn’t this kind of language when I was at primary school - but is this just the norm now? Genuinely interested to know - how much swearing is there at your children’s primary school? We are in London - does that that make a difference?

YABU - swearing insults at each other is normal for 10yo these days - suck it up
YANBU - this is unacceptable - complain to the school

thank for your advice!!

OP posts:
KittyWithoutAName · 12/05/2022 09:28

My daughter first got in trouble for using the F word in Year 1. She didn't say it out loud because she knew it was a "bad word", but she whispered it to another child giggling like it's a joke, like saying "boobies" or whatever, and said child repeated it back laughing, then another child hears and told on them.

She was very upset and apologising to me in the evening and has never done it again since.

I have no idea how much her peers swear. TBF, DD is 6 and still tells me "so and so at school said the SH word!!" And I think she means "shit" but she actually means "shut up". "I don't care" is also "bad" apparently.

She is always asking me what bad words are though. So, "is bloody a bad word?" "am I allowed to say Hell?" "What about Jesus Christ?"

She knows she can do what she likes when she's older but that you shouldn't swear in public. She does hear swearing at home, swearing isn't something that concerns me generally, but other than than one thing at school it's never been an issue. She tells me "so when I'm a grown up will I be allowed to say these words?", And we talk about how you can but not in the street, not at work, not with strangers blah blah. Teachers said it's perfectly normal for her to say and just talk to her about it. We did, it worked, for now.

My uncle got in trouble in nursery for saying "it's pissing it down outside".

I never got in trouble for swearing actually. The one time I did swear, I actually went home and admitted to telling a kid to F off in Year 5, so about your DDs age.

The N word was first said by a peer of mine in Year 7 aged 11, to a black student in the class.

I don't think swearing is as bad in primary as it is I'm secondary. It was very normal to sweat in secondary when I was there. I'm mid 20s.

LowlandLucky · 12/05/2022 09:39

Slippy slope, you swear in front of your children then they will also swear. The children in your child's class no doubt have parents that swear in front of them therefore they use those words. I am sure your Daughter will have uttered swear words too. So i don't understand why you are shocked.

Feckingfeck · 12/05/2022 09:53

Runmybathforme · 11/05/2022 19:20

Totally unacceptable. I'd be having a discussion with the school .

This!

also don't agree with teaching children to swear at all…. But each to their own 🤷‍♀️

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 12/05/2022 10:05

We try to cap it, swearing is banned in the house, however, I was ranting about slow-paying customers yesterday to Dp. My daughters entered the room at the exact moment I began swearing. They pointed it out and chastised me.
Lesson learned really.
They've both got to the ages of 11 and 9 without swearing. I'm not sure what the future holds, but swearing isn't really meant for everyday language.

honeybushbunch · 12/05/2022 10:12

Completely unacceptable for your daughter to be called that. There’s a big difference between a bit of swearing if you stub your toe or have a bad day, and actually calling someone else a fucking bitch - it wouldn’t be tolerated in the workplace. For those posters on this thread who think it’s okay, would you tolerate it from a partner, or from someone at work, or in a shop, or at the doctor’s, or anywhere else? It’s verbal abuse.
Definitely see the school about it!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 12/05/2022 10:23

My DS (also 10) and his friends swear like troopers among themselves, which is fine by me (my friends and I were the same at that age).

I would NOT be fine with him calling a girl a bitch, and I've made it extremely clear to him that certain words are off limits.

Spanglemum · 12/05/2022 10:26

@SilverPeacock a teenager at a school in Swansea got permanently excluded for shouting 'slut' at a teacher. I would make a huge fuss.

Rockbird · 12/05/2022 10:43

I wouldn't tolerate that. The swearing I could live with but I would be informing the school that someone called my 10yo daughter (that I do have) a bitch. I work in schools, I know what kids can be like, I'm under no illusions. But misogyny has to be challenged and if not at 10 then when do you start?

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 12/05/2022 10:46

for me, it’s not the swearing that’s the problem, it’s the aggression. Calling someone (your daughter in this instance) a fucking bitch is aggressive and misogynistic. School need to deal with this behaviour and so do the parents/guardians, unfortunately some won’t. When my daughter was that age there was a real problem with some of the boys and their shocking misogyny in her “lovely little primary school in a middle class neighbourhood”. They’d learnt this behaviour/attitudes from somewhere and they’d had their behaviour excused and tolerated because “boys will be boys”. This includes one boy who would chase some of the girls trying to forcibly kiss them on the mouth. His parents thought this was “cute”. It’s not. It spiralled to him chasing them trying to grope their chests. They’re 9-10 at this point. “That’s boys for you! Haha!” Thank god the head teacher didn’t agree and took that seriously. But the boy is still being harmed by his parents and is in turn harming other children.

KittyWithoutAName · 12/05/2022 10:47

For those posters on this thread who think it’s okay, would you tolerate it from a partner, or from someone at work, or in a shop, or at the doctor’s, or anywhere else? It’s verbal abuse.

Depends on what you mean by "tolerate". Not from a partner, but out and about? From a family member or a friend(would be ex then I guess!)? I'd probably just five them the same back. I wouldn't be reporting it to the police or anything though.

KittyWithoutAName · 12/05/2022 10:49

Bitch was a common swear word used between girls tbh. When the girls at school would fight or argue they would always use insults like "bitch/slut/slag/whore/hoe/sket/tramp/jezzy"

I think I heard it more from them tbh, but then I was around the girls more so probably had more chance to hear it.

accordionhater · 12/05/2022 10:54

LoveSpringDaffs · 11/05/2022 19:38

'Kick the fucking ball' wouldn't bother me (from someone else's child during a match) They're trying out boundaries.

calling someone a 'stupid bitch' in that situation would be reported to school
AND the handiness with the hockey stick would have me at the school to see why they were not being adequately supervised!

but DD would also be getting what for for being an unsporting, rude, goady little madam.

hang on, her daughter is an 'unsporting, rude, goady little madam' for making an incredibly mild comment in front of a boy who'd been trying to whack her with a hockey stick for the whole lesson? if he's big and tough enough to handle trying to hurt another child, he's certainly big and tough enough to hear someone celebrate their win.

MintyGreenDream · 12/05/2022 10:56

I'm staff in a primary and we've been told to fuck off,go do your fucking job and the most memorable fuck off you fat cunt

Veol · 12/05/2022 10:56

Children in Yr6 do swear quite a bit as they have learnt the swear words and hear them being used all the time by adults. It would be slightly odd if they hadn’t picked them up by age 10. The hockey situation sounds horrible and shouldn’t happen. If the teacher was in earshot, they should have dealt with it.

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:04

It’s pretty standard language for kids I’m not sure how you can think it wasn’t around when you went to school - it always has been.

If your daughter is worried about being called a bitch tell her to tell the teacher at the time, it’s really over the top to have parents coming in to try to get kids in trouble over one off name calling and that will just be embarrassing for your daughter to get the rep of you doing that if someone says a bad word.

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:08

@MintyGreenDream

I recently heard a young boy in a kick about at a park tell his friend (also boy) “pass the ball you chubby cunt hole” lol, so butch is really quite tame compared to a lot of what kids say.

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:08

*bitch

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:11

@honeybushbunch

Scool isn’t work though, the kids don’t choose to be there. It’s probably closer to prison than it is being at work.

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:15

@

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:16

@FindingMeno Ikr? It’s like people have forgotten what school is actually like

LindaEllen · 12/05/2022 11:17

MrsMingech · 11/05/2022 19:18

First child?

What on earth has that got to do with it? It is NEVER acceptable for ANYONE to call a ten year old girl a 'fucking bitch'. I'm shocked that you seem to think it actually might be.

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:36

@LindaEllen

I don’t think any one is saying it’s fine - but if anything happens the daughter just has to tell at the time, it’s hardly some big deal that requires parent intervention especially as the punishment wisely amount to a talking to or detention. Kids talk to each other this was all day long.

honeybushbunch · 12/05/2022 11:39

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:11

@honeybushbunch

Scool isn’t work though, the kids don’t choose to be there. It’s probably closer to prison than it is being at work.

That’s ridiculous. It wouldn’t be acceptable for anyone anywhere to be giving out verbal abuse!

I’m sad (but not surprised) that so many people on this thread are minimising nasty misogynist verbal abuse directed against a small girl — no wonder that as a society men abusing women is so normalised and sanctioned. We can hardly be shocked that women and girls are treated the way they are, that domestic abuse is so prevalent and rape and sexual assaults are barely prosecuted, when even primary school boys are getting a free pass from older women to call little girls a “fucking bitch” on the grounds that “that’s just what school is like”.

FWIW that is not what primary school was like for me (selection of ordinary primary schools in a rough northern town in the 80s); and as a primary school governor I can tell you it wouldn’t be either normal or tolerated in my daughter’s school today either.

Tamzo85 · 12/05/2022 11:45

@honeybushbunch

Im not saying it should be tolerated, but the time to do something about it was then when the daughter could tell on him to a teacher. I mean at most he’ll get like a detention but probably not even that. Kids name call and it should be dealt with in school if they want it dealt with, it’s hardly the kind of thing that requires parent intervention for a one off as opposed to repeated bullying.

Boys call girls names, boys call girls names, girls call boys names and girls call girls names. And they get punished by their teachers if they get told on. I can’t get too worked up about something that’s been going on as long as school has existed.

Young kids aren’t mature adults which is why we don’t send them to work.