10yo DD called a “fucking bitch”‘ at school

[northlundunmum]

AIBU to think that the level of swearing at DD’s primary school is not ok? Usually this is boys, during playtime or PE…

Examples - Today’s PE lesson was Hockey DD tell me that one (partially unpleasant) boy (UB) repeatedly got her stomach and shins during the game - she felt on purpose. Her team won and at the end of the game (admittedly not her finest hour) she shouts out “ha ha we won!” - to which UB retorts to her “you fucking bitch”

She also tells me the boys regularly swear at her during playtime football (she plays on the girls football team) - they shout things like “kick the fucking ball!”

She learned the N word from another child at school.

Full disclosure: I do swear in front if my children when the situation call for it and talk to them about swearing. I always explain what swear words actually mean and how adults use them. I discourage swearing at home, but have said if they need to use a swear to acturately describe a shitty situation that that is ok but I strongly discourage using swear words to describe people or show off.

I’m sure there wasn’t this kind of language when I was at primary school - but is this just the norm now? Genuinely interested to know - how much swearing is there at your children’s primary school? We are in London - does that that make a difference?

YABU - swearing insults at each other is normal for 10yo these days - suck it up
YANBU - this is unacceptable - complain to the school

thank for your advice!!

@Tamzo85 cunt hole sorry but 🤣

No I'd be really upset if someone called my child a fucking bitch at school and I'm not easily upset to be honest.

Obviously an insult like that directed at a child is unacceptable. But no, it doesn't surprise me that ten year olds know and use such words.

This is a very good point. Swearing or trying out a swear word is totally different from being verbally abusive. And children should recognise that. No one should be told that it doesn't matter.

When I was in primary school in the 90s everyone swore. It's not a new thing.

Nephew is in last year of primary school and says they all swear.

I do swear in front if my children when the situation call for it

what situation calls for it?!

I called a girl a bitch when I was about 7 at my very fancy prep school, and I also slapped a girl when I was around that age. But then I came from an abusive home where my father regularly beat my mother so it’s hard to say if this sort of language is indicative of his home life or if he’s just showing off…

Reading this thread, I understand why there's so much violence towards women. When mothers can't even stand up and say that it is not acceptable for their daughters to be called a fucking bitch, is it any wonder they put up with a boyfriend treating them like dirt in later life? Absolutely no way will I give my daughter the impression that this is acceptable. Lots of people on this thread need to grow a back bone.

I think you have your answer right here:

Full disclosure: I do swear in front if my children when the situation call for it and talk to them about swearing. I always explain what swear words actually mean and how adults use them. I discourage swearing at home, but have said if they need to use a swear to acturately describe a shitty situation that that is ok but I strongly discourage using swear words to describe people or show off

What does UB mean?

Did you say that your daughter told a teacher and the teacher told the boy off? If so, I’m wondering what else you feel would be appropriate. Of course his aggression should be prevented and there should be a sanction for that.

My DD26 was called a fucking c**t (excuse the stars but I really dislike the word) as she was leaving class at age 8 by a boy, I overheard and went straight in to complain to the teacher, her answer was that he has a difficult home life and his parents speak to him like that so there really was nothing she could do about it.

In this case too, there is little school can do about it I imagine, most kids swear, unfortunately.

Good luck with getting anything done about this. I used to teach school workshops and a 9 year old boy called a girl a fucking dumb bitch in class. The class teacher was present and didnt even flinch. It was as if she didnt hear - but he yelled it so of course she heard.

I told teacher class wouldnt continue unless he was removed. Which he was but, reluctantly. I also suggested a word with the head and his parents but I doubt that happened.

The girl was in tears so I brought her up front with me and class carried on. She joined back in eventually.

I remember thinking is this the kind of repugnant sexism thats acceptable at school these days and girls must put up and shut up? is that what we're teaching girls to do, accept and don't make a fuss?

Its bullshit and should never be excused

I disagree, if a kid has a difficult homelike and is being called a cunt at home, surely it's up to the school to show the kid its not normal or acceptable

*that was to jayne 35, deedee, I agree

I agree with you, I suspect social services were already involved (which did no good as the boy is in prison now!) but the teacher had no interest in speaking to him. I was really angry, and disappointed in the teacher/school.

DD didn’t tell a teacher in this occasion but it has happened before and she did raise it. She says he was told off but his behaviour hasn’t changed.

It’s interesting to ask though “what more would I want?” - this has been a helpful trigger for me to think through… Perhaps a concerted effort by staff to engage the children in a conversation about swearing, the difference between swearing about a situation and verbal abuse, the impact that has, what is acceptable and unacceptable - an agreed “zero tolerance” approach to verbal abuse the children can sign up to - with consequences?

in short a more mature approach than ineffective attempts at discipline on individual occasions which will never work because of the kinds of factors other posters refer to (difficult family life, behaviour difficulties, poor examples from other adults, movies, games, etc…)

The majority of children of this age swear when they are out of an adult's earshot but, oddly, most parents would say their particular child doesn't, sometimes even when they have been confronted with evidence.

Across my time as a primary teacher, I have overheard the use of every of swear word and the majority of prejudiced language. Every time something is heard or reported, it is investigated, dealt with and several steps taken in order to try to address this as part of our curriculum.

However, reporting it to the school and whatever they do in response is only treating the symptom and not the root cause. This isn't a single child who believes that swearing is fine because a teacher has taught them that it is. After all, a teacher creating or promoting that kind of cultutr in their classroom or school would likely be sacked. Children think it's fine because other influences in their life show them it's fine, whether that's parents, friends, social media, entertainment, etc. That is the root cause.

@Iamnotthe1

And don’t forget they also often do it because they don’t think it’s fine but know it’s wrong - and kids often want to be edgy or for boys what they see as “hard” or a rebel.

You can’t really stop it, but at the least this particular boy could be made aware that if he yells at that girl again the punishment will increase from the last time. At least that way he will get the idea of only swearing around the kids who want to be like that (and plenty do).

Absolutely — in my day this would have warranted a serious talk from the Head to the whole school at assembly, plus a visit from the Head to each classroom in the relevant year group, with a strongly worded talk about verbal abuse and poor language/name calling/treating others with respect, plus reiterating penalties for swearing at other children.

Absolutely no reason why a Head can’t do that today. Most especially in the context of the recent Everyone’s Invited Ofsted report, which found incredibly high incidences of sexual harassment and assault against girls in both primary and secondary schools.

Nothing changes unless schools step up and deal with this rather than handwringing about it not being their problem.

oursaferschools.co.uk/2021/06/17/everyones-invited-ofsted-update/

It isn't acceptable and it needs to be dealt but I with disagree with 'there wasn't this type of swearing when I was a child' - maybe you didn't hear it, but I heard all sorts of swearing at primary school.

Nothing changes unless schools step up and deal with this rather than handwringing about it not being their problem.

And, unfortunately, statements like this are exactly why the problem exists. As a society, we have already transferred too many responsibilities away from parents and onto schools.

I get that schools are supposed to be the equaliser and, through their work, make up for those parents who don't do a good enough job. However, at the end of the day, a child's school is not their parent yet is seemingly becoming more responsible for the type of person that child becomes than parents are.

If you want to solve an issue, it needs tackling at the root. Unfortunately, it's become almost taboo to suggest that a parent isn't doing a "good enough" job or even communicate clearly with them about their child. Everything is wrapped up in fluffy language and knowing glances.

Unpleasant Boy

It can definitely be amusing at times especially as an adult..my brother & I always say ‘send Daddy in’!

My nephew is in year 6 and reports one boy repeatedly says ‘your mums a fucking slag’ to several of the other boys during footie matches. Apparently some gaming streamer he likes uses the phrase. Teachers seem unconcerned but probably because there’s much worse to deal with and they’re picking their battles, can’t blame them .