To not get a job because I’m a sahm

[velvetcandy]

So after 8 years being a sahm I’ve decided to go back to work. Had a very good interview last week, the role was actually half the salary I had before I had kids and a lower position but still the same area of work etc.

the feedback was, that I was perfect but they were worried because I’ve been out of work for so long so gave the job to a recent grad. I have over ten years experience plus a degree.

aibu to think this is unfair?

@Flame76 yes agreed. My tech skills are very savvy and up to date.

OP I would try to remember the questions and your answers from the second interview and try to spot anything that could have been reworded, changed, or added to.

If it was PURELY your gap and children you most likely wouldn’t have made it that far in the process to begin with. And to get that far in an interview process when out of practice is very good, especially in such a competitive world, so try to take it in your stride. As I said before hardly anyone gets a job from their first interview.

Would it help if you took a temp / agency job first?

If I'm advertising for a job on recent graduate level, I would be unlikely to hire someone with 10+ years of experience - not because of children or other non-work related issues, but simply because the senior person would likely get bored in a role someone just out of school could do.

They’re quite stupid to have said that. They should have made up some other excuse.
I personally think it’s your kids, but you’ll have had a lucky escape anywya.
i don’t think mentioning a later start at interview is an issue.

In my industry flexibility is the norm, you wouldn’t even have to ask. Chin up there’ll be companies that appreciate you!

You need to do or make up some freelancing experience in your area.

I get that people think being a housewife is a bad gig because you will never again have the option to sell your time for a wage, but you can totally keep that option open with freelancing, and you can also blag freelancing really easily.

Initiative is needed here.

It was just to soften the blow - I would have thought it was common knowledge that most rejection letters are fairly generic. They're hardly going to be honest and say "to be frank, you were shit", lol.

You didn't get the job because you are a sahm, you didn't get the job because someone else had more of the mindset and skillset required for today (or showed the potential) for what that workplace now values.
Many workplaces has changed. It is less about what you know and more about how you adapt, connect, think, respond etc etc
You will find somewhere where your skills and experience are valued.
Do NOT give up because you have been a sahm. That is victim mentality which fosters negative feelings that will have an impact.
Raise your chin up, dust yourself down, project confidence and assertiveness and find that employer that values you for what you do have to offer and do lots of research on them before you step foot through their door. Best of luck! You can do this!

Patriarchy alive and well as per this thread.

No one should have to basically pretend they are not a primary care giver in order to placate an interview panel. Who suffers here? Women.

No one has said OP should pretend she is not a primary caregiver? It would probably be quite obvious anyway, an 8 year career gap for a woman of childbearing age is probably going to be something care related anyway so there is no hiding it anyway.

^^ This is great advice, OP.
Don't be discouraged, you got to the interview stage, so they were interested in you.

You can't absolutely know why they chose the other candidate, but I do think that mentioning needing flexibility during an interview, even 30 minutes just one day a week, could raise a red flag. They may have incorrectly assumed that once you'd started, more requests for flexible hours due to family commitments would start coming. Personally, I'd never ask for flexibility during the interview stage, I'd move mountains to avoid needing it for a couple of months (for example, see whether someone could help me out taking a child somewhere) and then ask once I'd proved myself in the job. I know it's difficult, but keep trying, you'll find the right job.

I was referring to the 30 min time adjustment. Which they asked her about directly, and she answered directly. Yet all the comments of ‘op you shouldn’t have been flaky’ ‘shouldn’t talk about her kids’ yawn….

OP, you will find a company that values your experience and is willing to be realistic re the juggle

I've had this. And now I'm doing voluntary work to get work experience for my cv.

Don’t mention it at interview. Get someone else to take them in for the first month and then request flexible working.

What's your job abs sector? I work in universities and of really like to see SAHM coming back instead of deadbeats who do t bother to turn up for interview, phd but no actual experience (from me who has a PhD!)
Can you temp for up to date experience?

Don’t give up OP. It’s an employees market right now. I was a sahm for 8 years and walked back into a professional role a few months ago. Negotiated my part time hours basically on my terms too. Salary about what I left on so I know it’s low really as it would have gone up a lot in those 8 years but all in all it’s worked out so well. You don’t want to work for somewhere that quibbles about a late start once a week if you’ve offered to work late. I negotiated a late start each morning to do drop off and take a shorter lunch and stay a bit later.

Good point. I’ve never been asked about ‘caring responsibilities’ at interview but always had a pat ‘I have a good support network’ response.

Oh and on the late start, I got offered the job and then said would they consider a 9.15 start. They agreed. Just my experience but it worked getting offered the job first. I went through a recruiter who specialises in my sector.

I was referring to the 30 min time adjustment. Which they asked her about directly, and she answered directly. Yet all the comments of ‘op you shouldn’t have been flaky’ ‘shouldn’t talk about her kids’ yawn….

unless the job advert mentions flexible working then saying you can't do the required hours for any reason is pretty flaky. It's also pretty poor form for a not-yet-employee to demand particular hours. Nothing to do with children. It would be the same if it was a man asking for a 30 minute adjustment so he could get in an early morning game of golf.

It might be the kids, but it might not, I don't think it's clear that was the reason you didn't get the job at all. There could be all sorts of reasons why they preferred the other candidate, but the reasons that they gave seem sound. If you did have recent experience, and they gave the job to a childless candidate, that would be more clearly discrimination. They might prefer a graduate even if you did have experience, they might think they're a better fit with their team etc. Losing out on this may not be a bad thing, you may not have liked working for them if they have no flexibility and their offices are full of young graduates. Something more suited will come along, and you'll probably be glad you didn't get this job.

I think you dodged a bullet OP. If they can't be flexible about half an hour once a week honestly can you imagine what they'll be like if you have a poorly child?

Since having my daughter I won't work for anyone who isn't a parent themselves. They sadly seem to be the only people who truly get it, and who value my skills, experience and output more than the exact time I start and finish work every day.

That said however, 8 years is a lifetime in my sector, and quite likely a graduate would be just as good if I'd been out of work that long it changes so fast. I took 6 months and returned to work full time, whilst paying for full time nursery, a 2 hour daily commute and usually on 3-4 hours sleep because I didn't want to end up losing my career because honestly, the patriarchy still makes it incredibly difficult for women particularly to have children and work in skilled careers.

Keep looking OP. The right one will come along.

Would it really be the same? With childcare in the state it is in, would it really be the same? I do have to disagree.

There are so many companies that do embrace flex working.. a working mother would really be doing herself a favour to find one if it was at all possible in their field of work.

Exactly this.
Why in 2022 are women who have taken time to raise children SILL not valued and supported to restart work.
Its like people (men) think they have chosen to laze around on their bum watching Jeremy Kyle for fun.
Someone has to raise the children. Childcare is insanely expensive esp if you have twins or 2 close together.

This is an interesting one as I would need to know about flexible working upfront. Surely it is too late once you are in the job and they say no? Are hours etc not a normal thing to be discussed at interview as I was asked a lot about it at one? They also questioned me about my childcare arrangements for school holidays etc which I am assuming they shouldn't have really, even asking how many weeks I normally book for a holiday.

I think it's probably very sector/industry relevant. I tend to recruit Information Security/Governance roles and would recruit a graduate over someone with an 8 yr gap unless the person with the gap could evidence recent knowledge through training or keeping up to date with new threats, vulnerabilities, technology etc