Consensual sex questions - AIBU you never assume anal sex is one the menu before discussing first?

[ApertureGLaDOS]

I have had precisely 3 accounts of ‘presumed’ anal sex. I won’t go into details because I’m not here to amuse people, but I will clarify they were unwelcome, unexpected and in the last situation explicitly unwanted.

I was speaking to one of my friends (without details) and she suggested it’s just part of ‘having sex’ and unless you are clear you don’t want anal it’s just what’s expected. I call bullshit / anal is not ‘expected’ but is discussed and decided on the couples preferences… yet my track history suggests I’m wrong. So which is it?

I think if you look at how it became more mainstream, while porn was a big part of it, there also started to be a perception that if you said you didn't like the idea, and were unwilling to even try, you were being homophobic in some way. Based on the mistaken notion that all gay men have anal sex. It's surprising how many people assume that's the case.

It just slipped

🙄🙄

They never just slip and clean the fucking bathroom do they

Anal is never part of the menu unless
its agreed prior. I like literotica but the amount of anal as part of “foreplay” in there makes me think all written by a man x

Maybe try reading this

www.huffpost.com/entry/tunisia-virginity-wedding-night_n_56c7527ae4b0ec6725e265ba

@UniversalAunt @Sally090807 I experienced this with a former boyfriend who was Egyptian. He was from a conservative religious background (Coptic Christian) and a baby before marriage was unthinkable. Oral and anal though, a guilty pleasure. Very pressurising he was too.

True that.

I think porn has a lot to answer for. But then you have Teen Vogue (editor is a man at the time of publication) telling teen girls how to have anal. Just disgraceful.

She needs to stop seeing men who watch porn.

The gay men I know don't do it.

I was never asked for anal once until I was in my late twenties (nearly 50 now) it was definitely something that came up with porn expectations as before that the kind of porn available wasn't as anal focused as it is now. I worked in a video shop and can literally track the changes in mens behaviour as anal suddenly became the norm.

I hate it. Hate how it feels like it's ripping me apart and I just refuse point blank. I've even had female friends try and persuade me I'll like it if I use enough lube etc - sorry but even then it's hideous and makes me want to scream in pain. Literally cannot be more turned off.

My partner asked at the beginning but I told him I hated it and it hurt too much and he was turned off doing it thankfully.

I know several girls who have been anally raped by boyfriends who just "slipped" WTF is wrong with men?!

Gay men not doing it isn't some stronghold in morality imo. Some do, some don't, sure. Anal is not the problem. My problem is squarely on slipping in (rape or assault, depending on how far it goes), and others seeing it as an expectation.

No there’s absolutely no moral dimension to it. No judgement whatsoever directed at people who (consensually) enjoy it.

I have also talked to gay men who say that it’s far from standard practice among gay men and others who can’t get enough of it. But it is more “normative” among gay men I guess.

I would assume that most gay men who are sexually active have at least some experience of it though and, given that there isn’t an alternative penetrative option for them that they may be more inclined to persevere if they don’t immediately enjoy it. I can’t imagine there’s anything about having a Y chromosome which makes it intrinsically more enjoyable.

For women I don’t personally see any upside to it whatsoever.

It's not just younger men. I'm in my 60s and on OLD in France. Recently got blocked by someone by not agreeing, in avance of a meeting, to 'sweet sodomy'. Told him I'd had polyps, needed regular colonoscopies and mentionned after-effects. That and oral were, for him, on the cards for a first meeting. Almost tempted to put 'no sodomy' on my profile.

Every sexual act requires consent. There is no harm in anyone suggesting/asking, we all have different desires, but no means no, no exceptions.

No it is not. I do not do it. It's been requested once and I told him for him to try it first and let me know how he got on.

I can’t imagine there’s anything about having a Y chromosome which makes it intrinsically more enjoyable

There is something - the prostate! Apparently some men find stimulation of this very, very pleasurable, and some men don't like it at all.

I agree with you; I’ve never done it and never would. How painful must it be?! Not to mention unhygienic. Gross.

My DH certainly wouldn’t want to do it either! It’s just another symptom of how pornography infiltrates and affects mainstream relationships.

No man should ever expect it, and no woman should do it without giving explicit consent.

Give it a try. You never know. Use lots of lube

Ugh, I’d hate to be with someone who just assumed this was on the table. This and choking seem to be so normalised now that it makes me never want to date again.

When I first dated my ex he got all passive aggressive because I wasn’t down for anal. I told him, I would if he would - and he could go first. He eventually dropped the subject.

Absolute full rape if they just do it without explicit consent beforehand. Vile, degrading and breaks so many boundaries.

It's never been on my menu. If they want that, they should find a willing bloke to oblige them.

Non consensual is rape.

I tried this with my ex husband. He agreed to stop if it hurt but didn't stop when asked and continued to the end while I was sobbing. That sounds dramatic but it hurt an awful lot. He'd always try, not ask, when drunk and I'd say no and would sometimes have to get angry for him to stop.

I'd never do this again with anybody and agree that it's something that should be discussed and prepared for beforehand.

Glad he is now your ex

This has been picked up by the Daily Fail. I think the frequency of this is hitting a point where very few people are going to want to start a post in AIBU, for fear of their anonymous post in a forum for parents being splashed in the national press.

Maybe not such a bad thing. This thread demonstrates how a large percentage of women feel about this act. Personally I was massively relieved when my partner told me he thought it was pretty disgusting.

Who the hell is voting YABU?

FFS Stop watching porn.

Anal sex is not a normal part of the sex lives of most heterosexual couples