Consensual sex questions - AIBU you never assume anal sex is one the menu before discussing first?

[ApertureGLaDOS]

I have had precisely 3 accounts of ‘presumed’ anal sex. I won’t go into details because I’m not here to amuse people, but I will clarify they were unwelcome, unexpected and in the last situation explicitly unwanted.

I was speaking to one of my friends (without details) and she suggested it’s just part of ‘having sex’ and unless you are clear you don’t want anal it’s just what’s expected. I call bullshit / anal is not ‘expected’ but is discussed and decided on the couples preferences… yet my track history suggests I’m wrong. So which is it?

I must be lucky as, as far as I can remember, never had an attempted "slip" or similar. DH is repulsed at the thought so wouldn't try it (each to their own, if people like it) so I consider myself lucky that he doesn't want to try and neither do I.

I do have an old school mate who said her boyfriend "slipped". He was a wanker, though.

I would say not, but then I’ve been with the same person for 16 years and never dated anyone else.

Thankfully, he’s not interested in it, or at least would never, has never, asked.

I’ve never understood why a straight man would want to do that. It’s so unhygienic. I get it for gay men as there is no other choice though I once worked with a gay man who was at pains to explain that he thought it was disgusting and never indulged. Each to their own but the thought makes me feel sick.

If men really think this part of standard sex, than they should expect a little visit unexpectly in their bum!

Even if they accidently get there, they know. The men that have done thay to me say sorry and don't thrust forward as they can feel that it's a different texture/resistance.

Quite often it's not sexual 'relationships', though... Just coercion...

Like Benji I have been told by gay men that it is definitely optional. And my good gay friends don't do it. It came up after a discussion with a much younger colleague who felt it was expected of her, she saw things differently after we discussed it. I agree with offering to adorn a strap on and they go first, male entitlement seems to wither at that point.

Why not say “ok - but you go first” Bet that soon changes their ideas!!😁😁

Not a normal part of sex in my book, it's something that you discuss before to make sure it's something you are OK with, you absolutely do not head off in that direction and hope they agree.

Not on the menu with me. I was asked by every man in his 40s I was in touch with when doing sex dating. The 50+ ones mostly didn't ask for anal, they wanted oral. The ones in their 30s assumed anal was on the menu and asked about choking. Porn is so shit.

I've had one attempt at a slip. Twat.

Admittedly a group of said men were very into anal for themselves - be careful what you offer...

No chance. DH has no interest either so it's never been on the table with us.

@Benjispruce4 I completely agree with you. My husband wanted to try it and has asked me several times. We may have tried once after the wedding, but I was too tense so it didn’t happen. It doesn’t appeal to me at all so no desire to try again.

@Sally090807

the part I was referring to was the idea that those women would accept anal but not vaginal.

I know about those proof of virginity tests and expectations - my criticism was that they would accept anal as an alternative.

Even escorts don't "put it on the cards" because of all the prep involved.
Including eating very little the day before...

I totally blame the porn here!

Yanbu

Unfortunately it seems that many men think it’s part of sex

this is the influence of porn, I had a few try it on when I was younger but never straight away in recent years it’s been every partner (only been a few) but it’s more their attitude of this is part of sex. My friends report the same

i don’t like it and being pressured to have anal puts me off someone instantly

I don't understand how a slip can be accidental. One hole is self-lubricating; the other is not.

I wouldn't think any less of a man for asking if it was on the table. I'd dump a man for presuming it was and not asking. It just shows what kind of person he is.

Maybe there needs to be more education in the media that bad anal can actually physically harm a woman, not just mentally harm her? I think so many men are self-entitled morons and they get this from too much porn, but I also think they're generally ignorant of female bodies.

Apart from anything else, I don't understand why anyone would want to attempt it if the person receiving hadn't explicitly prepared beforehand...

Also, what about BV (bacterial vaginosis) ?
I do get it from Anal as it is not good for my other microflora at all!

No! Switching lanes without indicating is NOT acceptable.

I think it's definitely something that should be talked about and agreed upon. Agree with the PP who said surely you would want to prepare first? Otherwise I'd imagine a painful experience for both parties?!

Wouldn't be high on my agenda.

I remember a male friend telling us about meeting up with a girl he met on Tinder. Pretty much one of the first things she said to him was “Btw- I don’t do anal on a first date.” We laughed at the time, but now I just wonder what she’d experienced with previous partners which meant she felt the need to be so upfront.

I'm okay with the thought of it and agree it's not for everyone and not one to be assumed. The two times I've entertained the idea have been with men who are shit at foreplay and a bit crap in bed.

Slips are nonsense - to slip with enough force to penetrate an unprepared, unlubed anus is impossible to do accidentally.

It’s something I’ve been very clear with my older kids (now in early 20s) about as porn makes it look so easy and quick. It’s dangerous if done badly. For both parties.

@strrawberriesandcreamAn ex of mine really wanted to do it once so I agreed and tried it. He wasn't really that rough but it hurt so much. I let him finish off but I said never again.

Online porn culture to answer for & now so dangerously normalised with teens being pressurised to follow suit. Really concerning.

Bloody hell, @Colycola , I'm so sorry.

‘I think in certain countries it seen as normal as the woman are supposed to be virgins when they marry so anal is the norm for having sex pre marriage.’

The first time I read anything like this in main stream media was in an essay by Germaine Greer, who for all her academic & feminist creds was at the time a meeja-tart. I consider GG to be an unreliable witness in this instance.

I would test more credible resources than hearsay or urban myth about virgins indulging in anal sex rather than other practices so that they may retain their virginity until marriage.

I think you aren't being unreasonable, OP, but it's a trickier question than it seems in some ways.

As much as people like to think that what people do sexually is just an individual decision, what is considered normative is very culturally determined. At one time oral sex wasn't normative and people did not expect it as a standard thing from partners - now a lot of people would consider it unusual or even selfish if someone wasn't keen. At various times different sexual positions have been considered more or less normative. Pubic hair or other types of grooming.

I think there are really good reasons anal sex shouldn't be normative, a lot of people don't like it and it's also physically risky. But if it becomes culturally normative, you can't totally blame people for coming to think of it that way - that's a bit chicken and egg, I know, but most people do not spend a lot of time querying what seems normal during sex among their peer group.