Consensual sex questions - AIBU you never assume anal sex is one the menu before discussing first?

[ApertureGLaDOS]

I have had precisely 3 accounts of ‘presumed’ anal sex. I won’t go into details because I’m not here to amuse people, but I will clarify they were unwelcome, unexpected and in the last situation explicitly unwanted.

I was speaking to one of my friends (without details) and she suggested it’s just part of ‘having sex’ and unless you are clear you don’t want anal it’s just what’s expected. I call bullshit / anal is not ‘expected’ but is discussed and decided on the couples preferences… yet my track history suggests I’m wrong. So which is it?

It should be opt in not opt out.

It absolutely shouldn’t be expected and definitely should be discussed.

I have noticed a trend though. I had a lot of casual sex in the early 00’s which was fairly standard…but years later there was a sudden trend for people trying it on for anal sex or unrequested arsehole licking. I was unimpressed but it’s definitely much harder to say no when someone is already licking your arsehole.

I don’t know if it’s porn or being being more liberal but in my book it’s definitely not a first time game!

Definitely not.It's something to be discussed as part of the boundaries within a sexual relationship.The "it just slipped" is BS.Consent is key.

You didn’t dump him?!

that sounds excruciating

"Slipping in" for anal is horrendous behaviour and quite rapey. Anal must be consensual, it requires special prep (lotta lube etc.).

Deliberately inflicting pain to do that, and it's not an accident either, IMO

Only ever tried it once- hated it, actually made me feel weird and not in a good way and next day was like crapping glass!! (tmi) never again!!

I’m glad so many agree and I’m not crazy for thinking otherwise. It’s upset me for a long time and made something I would have perhaps explored with a loving partner a no-go.

Not for me and I genuinely don't remember it being an issue during my younger shagging around years. I once jokingly said to my exH that it's an exit only and he wasn't at all interested anyway. I can only assume it's seen as more mainstream now as it was/is so popular in porn so more people either want to or feel they have to try it?

Having chatted with my male gay friends about the topic, their view is that anal should always be discussed and needs to be properly prepared for in advance by the receiving partner. I assume that a woman's anus is the same and shouldn't just be 'accidentally' slipped into. The friends are very open with me, they use gay hook up sites and the men using it specify what they are looking for and it's not always anal as an assumed act. That's something that requires advance prep and trust. They find it quite weird that straight guys try an 'oops' moment on women. Obviously they don't speak for all people partaking in anal, but I did find their viewpoint interesting compared to the many, many straight female friends who've unwillingly experienced it 'going in the wrong hole'.

You didn’t dump him?!

that sounds excruciating

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I was very young (18) and we'd been together from both being 16. I was quite naive and I trusted and idolised him.

In hindsight it was more likely to be him trying his luck and not realising just how awful it was going to me for me but at the time I just accepted he didn't mean to do it.

If that happened to me now as an experienced fully grown adult my reaction would certainly be very different.

Definitely not. My DH used to try to persuade me, I tried it once never again.
He did pester for it again and eventually I told him that as a survivor of CSA he was triggering me and he was absolutely mortified that I could put him in the same bracket as my abuser, but to me that's what it felt like the pressure to do something I didn't want.
He never asked again.

I remember a period of my life when quite a lot of (female) friends we’re having anal and professed to enjoy it.

I know some people genuinely do like it but I strongly suspect the majority of women don’t and just went along with it to please their then partners.

I find it impossible to imagine anyone getting physical pleasure from it, aside from the vague romantic sensation of making your partner happy.

Not a chance in hell
My arse is strictly a one way street!!!

I'm a man and absolutely no way. It's not my thing and even if I were, would at least have a conversation about it first.

I'm making a huge assumption but can't imagine that many women are into it either.

Given that it involves prep and without it can cause internal damage then absolutely explicit consent after a conversation about doing it safely is required.

There needs to be a lot more education on the risks of permanent damage. But of course the damage is to women so here we are

I don’t think they are either

Thank you. It’s difficult. Cathartically I want to share, dubiously I don’t. I still struggle with the first nearly half a lifetime later. The last (and more (I want to say overt as I said no, but actually, rapisty) was only two years ago.

I suppose in a nutshell if you don’t ask you are probably raping somebody. If you do ask and they say no you are definitely raping somebody.

I think in certain countries it seen as normal as the woman are supposed to be virgins when they marry so anal is the norm for having sex pre marriage.

I don’t think it’s as taboo as it once was and it’s certainly a bigger part of sex than it used to be - as in the number of people partaking.

But I certainly don’t think and I would guess that no one I know IRL would suggest it’s just part of regular ole sex, like say a blow job.

Your friend either has a genuinely open attitude towards sex and for her, it is a freely available option or she has had terrible relationships and sexual encounters and things have got very confused in her head. I hope it’s the first one for her sake!

YANBU, it’s both a very intimate and potentially risky way to have sex (no judgement, just factually), so no, it’s not a given under any circumstances.

"Accidental" anal sex is rape. These men are rapists.

I have very bad IBS so I have always made it VERY clear anal sex is NOT an option.

As a mother of a tweenager I am mortified this is considered "mainstream".

Porn, and easy access to it, has a lot to answer for.

Do men genuinely enjoy it or do they think THEY have to do it because they have seen it in porn and think they ought to?

Man here. Of course it's not expected or just part of sex. BTW I accidentally pressed YABU .

My friend tried it and said even with lube it was horrendously painful, that she kept farting while he was trying to get it in and she was worrying the whole time about pooing herself. That’s put me off trying for life. Sorry if that was tmi

@Sally090807

i think that’s a myth to make it seem more popular/prevalent than it is. Also, It’s an offensive stereotype to those women.

Absolutely not