Consensual sex questions - AIBU you never assume anal sex is one the menu before discussing first?

[ApertureGLaDOS]

I have had precisely 3 accounts of ‘presumed’ anal sex. I won’t go into details because I’m not here to amuse people, but I will clarify they were unwelcome, unexpected and in the last situation explicitly unwanted.

I was speaking to one of my friends (without details) and she suggested it’s just part of ‘having sex’ and unless you are clear you don’t want anal it’s just what’s expected. I call bullshit / anal is not ‘expected’ but is discussed and decided on the couples preferences… yet my track history suggests I’m wrong. So which is it?

[AchatAVendre]

@Tyrellius

Since everyone is made different, the 'accidentally slip' can and does happen. I dated someone and as much as you say the anus should be a tight bear trap, it just went in during sex, and it wasn't even me that did the accident. She was wet enough that it went right in as it slipped out and went into the other place. I actually stopped straight away, apologised and asked if she was OK.

I think it's like sticking your hand in a bag of skittles and expecting to get red every time, some people are just stupid and ignorant and expect to get a red skittle every time.

It will definitely be an interesting conversation wit our DDs, "Sweetie please remember it is never OK, unless you might have an aptitude for anal... do you?"


With the ease of media sharing these days, Amateur Porn and Cam Girls confirm that some people just have an aptitude for easy anal penetration. I don't think today it got normalised because of Porn, I think today it got normalised because of social media platforms... the same amount of people were probably doing anal in the past, but it was behind closed doors. Where would you even share that (Church, book club, bridge club, park?). I doubt men were too willing to tell their friends that their wives were into it out of stigma. I imagine it would be an interesting conversation to have with you mum or gran?


Saying that, everything that might cause distress should be assume off the menu until confirmed, or at least take it easy and see if the person allows you access. I imagine having a whole bunch of junk splurged in your eye, face, in your throat or any other place is just as violating if not discussed. Not to mention that some people could be allergic to sperm.

Ah, its you again.

Its not "normalised".

Your sexual partner sounds as if he/she needs medical help due to lack of a functioning sphincter muscle.

[newnamethanks]

Gross. Average for men schooled by porn.

[bubblesbubbles11]

this kind of thread (and in particular the OP) makes me feel pretty grateful that I am not out there in the dating scene. Bloody hell the expectations of some men are horrendous.

[balalake]

Impact of porn sadly in leading to some people (men usually) thinking anal sex is a normal thing.

[SirenSays]

I can't see why you want to cover your cock in shit.
This shouldn't be the case, unless you're already desperate for the loo.

I'm very upfront about limits and boundaries before clothes even come off. I have a very interesting toy box and tell men that anal is off the table, unless they want to bend over themselves and give it a try.

[Marvellousmadness]

Stop being so anal 😅
If you dont want anal. You say no.
If it happened 3 times UNWANTED then its time to make some better judgement calls in the guys you date / learn to speak up...

[Crankley]

I'm in my 70s and even when I was sexually active, it was a no to anal from me.

Without going into all the details, I have a young (20s) male friend in another country. He has often in the past asked for my advice re girfriends, amongst other things. After having met and been with a girl for about nine months, he told me they had only done anal, never once done piv so the girl is still a virgin! I told him TMI.

I wonder how many men would be so keen if the woman whipped out a strap-on and said you first?

[Dweetfidilove]

@AngelinaFibres That's what I'm thinking, but there's a lot of 'accidental slip in' on the thread 😶.

[Ejk1990]

In 15 years my husband has never accidently gone into my anus. And I've said its a no from me at the beginning of our relationship and he hasn't even mentioned it.

It serves one purpose for me and there is nothing sexual about that!

[AngelinaFibres]

@Dweetfidilove

I'm wondering how it 'slips' in. Doesn't getting it in require a bit more effort, which then allows enough time to stop it happening; which if it continues , amounts to rape?

Unless you have a sphincter problem it is entirely impossible for it to ever 'just slip in '

[AngelinaFibres]

@Changeymcgee

Hated the idea of it. My ex pestered and badgered for our entire relationship (including accidentally!) I gave in. Still hated it...even more than I thought!!

I made clear to my now DP that it wouldn't be on the table and he's never pushed me at all to try.

I asked my husband for his opinion about it once. He screwd his face up and said " why would I want to stick it in a waste pipe when there is a purpose built hole just next door .
I can see why gay men do it since neither has the handy purpose built hole but if sex involves one of you / both of you having the handy vagina hole I can't see why you want to cover your cock in shit.

[Dweetfidilove]

I'm wondering how it 'slips' in. Doesn't getting it in require a bit more effort, which then allows enough time to stop it happening; which if it continues , amounts to rape?

[AngelinaFibres]

@Magicpaintbrush

I don't believe for a second that anybody could 'accidentally slip' inside a ring of muscle as tight as an anus.

When my DD is older and starts dating I'm going to have to sit her down and explain that being pestered for certain sex acts because of the influence of porn is not okay - what a ghastly conversation that will be, but I think it's important. I don't want her being pressured into doing stuff she doesn't want to like I was by my first boyfriend. Making you feel like a killjoy or a prude because you don't want their dick up your arsehole.

I worked with an elderly gay man in my first Saturday job. He used to use sanitary pads and push maxi sized tampons up his anus because he had destroyed the sphincter muscle over many years of "taking it up the shitter" ( his words not mine). He had to use the sanitary stuff because his anus leaked poo constantly. If the person you are having sex with has a muscle in their anus so weak that you can just slip in accidentally they have zero ability to stop anything else slipping out. Either they have a problem or PP is making it up

[AngelinaFibres]

@JollyWilloughby

Definitely not just expected. I for one am not into that game. He would get a swift kick up the arse if he ever tried to put his cock up my arse that’s for sure.

This. Utterly weird concept to stick something into a hole that's potentially full of shit. Strictly one way traffic with that hole .

[Tyrellius]

@neverbeenskiing

I firmly believe that the vast majority of men know full well that bum stuff is not on the table for a significant number of women. Yes, some women like it but know many aren't interested and so they're trying their luck. But they act all surprised when women say no and give it the "oh all the other women I've been with have loved it". Its manipulation, designed to make you feel that you're a prude or strange for not wanting what they want.

Agreed, just as if someone gives a guy a BJ, don't assume it is OK to hold their head down and drown them. Bum slapping, hair pulling and so forth... maybe not ask permission for everything but work on the delivery, see if your partner is giving you right of way for whatever you want to do.

I honestly think that these days common sense no longer prevails. I just think that people in general no longer give a shit about anyone else.

[neverbeenskiing]

I firmly believe that the vast majority of men know full well that bum stuff is not on the table for a significant number of women. Yes, some women like it but know many aren't interested and so they're trying their luck. But they act all surprised when women say no and give it the "oh all the other women I've been with have loved it". Its manipulation, designed to make you feel that you're a prude or strange for not wanting what they want.

[Tyrellius]

@Magicpaintbrush

I don't believe for a second that anybody could 'accidentally slip' inside a ring of muscle as tight as an anus.

When my DD is older and starts dating I'm going to have to sit her down and explain that being pestered for certain sex acts because of the influence of porn is not okay - what a ghastly conversation that will be, but I think it's important. I don't want her being pressured into doing stuff she doesn't want to like I was by my first boyfriend. Making you feel like a killjoy or a prude because you don't want their dick up your arsehole.

Since everyone is made different, the 'accidentally slip' can and does happen. I dated someone and as much as you say the anus should be a tight bear trap, it just went in during sex, and it wasn't even me that did the accident. She was wet enough that it went right in as it slipped out and went into the other place. I actually stopped straight away, apologised and asked if she was OK.

I think it's like sticking your hand in a bag of skittles and expecting to get red every time, some people are just stupid and ignorant and expect to get a red skittle every time.

It will definitely be an interesting conversation wit our DDs, "Sweetie please remember it is never OK, unless you might have an aptitude for anal... do you?"


With the ease of media sharing these days, Amateur Porn and Cam Girls confirm that some people just have an aptitude for easy anal penetration. I don't think today it got normalised because of Porn, I think today it got normalised because of social media platforms... the same amount of people were probably doing anal in the past, but it was behind closed doors. Where would you even share that (Church, book club, bridge club, park?). I doubt men were too willing to tell their friends that their wives were into it out of stigma. I imagine it would be an interesting conversation to have with you mum or gran?


Saying that, everything that might cause distress should be assume off the menu until confirmed, or at least take it easy and see if the person allows you access. I imagine having a whole bunch of junk splurged in your eye, face, in your throat or any other place is just as violating if not discussed. Not to mention that some people could be allergic to sperm.

[ApertureGLaDOS]

@Latecomer131

This has been picked up by the Daily Fail. I think the frequency of this is hitting a point where very few people are going to want to start a post in AIBU, for fear of their anonymous post in a forum for parents being splashed in the national press.

Ugh! I know it’s the risk you take when posting (and I probably should have name changed) but I think it probably happens to enough women that it’s not really outing. And as someone said, maybe it needs to be made crystal clear in broader media.

[Magicpaintbrush]

I don't believe for a second that anybody could 'accidentally slip' inside a ring of muscle as tight as an anus.

When my DD is older and starts dating I'm going to have to sit her down and explain that being pestered for certain sex acts because of the influence of porn is not okay - what a ghastly conversation that will be, but I think it's important. I don't want her being pressured into doing stuff she doesn't want to like I was by my first boyfriend. Making you feel like a killjoy or a prude because you don't want their dick up your arsehole.

[DogsAndGin]

Anal sex is not a normal part of the sex lives of most heterosexual couples

[FreddyVoorhees]

Who the hell is voting YABU?

FFS Stop watching porn.

[Tschecked]

@Latecomer131

This has been picked up by the Daily Fail. I think the frequency of this is hitting a point where very few people are going to want to start a post in AIBU, for fear of their anonymous post in a forum for parents being splashed in the national press.

Maybe not such a bad thing. This thread demonstrates how a large percentage of women feel about this act. Personally I was massively relieved when my partner told me he thought it was pretty disgusting.

[Latecomer131]

This has been picked up by the Daily Fail. I think the frequency of this is hitting a point where very few people are going to want to start a post in AIBU, for fear of their anonymous post in a forum for parents being splashed in the national press.

[BraveFaceScaredInside]

@berrytheblen

I tried this with my ex husband. He agreed to stop if it hurt but didn't stop when asked and continued to the end while I was sobbing. That sounds dramatic but it hurt an awful lot. He'd always try, not ask, when drunk and I'd say no and would sometimes have to get angry for him to stop.

I'd never do this again with anybody and agree that it's something that should be discussed and prepared for beforehand.

Glad he is now your ex

[berrytheblen]

I tried this with my ex husband. He agreed to stop if it hurt but didn't stop when asked and continued to the end while I was sobbing. That sounds dramatic but it hurt an awful lot. He'd always try, not ask, when drunk and I'd say no and would sometimes have to get angry for him to stop.

I'd never do this again with anybody and agree that it's something that should be discussed and prepared for beforehand.