Consensual sex questions - AIBU you never assume anal sex is one the menu before discussing first?

[ApertureGLaDOS]

I have had precisely 3 accounts of ‘presumed’ anal sex. I won’t go into details because I’m not here to amuse people, but I will clarify they were unwelcome, unexpected and in the last situation explicitly unwanted.

I was speaking to one of my friends (without details) and she suggested it’s just part of ‘having sex’ and unless you are clear you don’t want anal it’s just what’s expected. I call bullshit / anal is not ‘expected’ but is discussed and decided on the couples preferences… yet my track history suggests I’m wrong. So which is it?

^ This.

I am one of the few who actually enjoys it with DH and it's not always discussed specifically but there is a LOT of foreplay goes into it and you know what's happening. If I'm not in the mood (or if he isn't) we easily redirect where the attention goes.

A slip is bullshit. They don't slip there.

DH once didn't take his time properly not realising I had tensed so I nearly went through the damn headboard it was so painful and I was quite aware of what was happening! It was an accident but I cannot imagine how awful it must be to have a "slip"!!! I'd not sit for a week! Mind you, neither would the person who "slipped" cos they'd get their balls ripped off,

Does anyone know if different generations feel differently about it?

I’m early 40s, hate it, and never been expected to do it. But I feel like more expected among younger people (maybe because of porn??)… or just getting talked about more?

Given that CosmoGirl (or was it Teen Vogue?) ran an article about anal sex aimed at teenage girls, I think we can safely say porn culture has led us here.

I have actually had sex with women who actively wanted anal sex. It’s possible to orgasm from it. But it’s very niche. Ahem.

I'd say it's being talked about more. The sheer number of examples of "slips" in the past being recounted on this post I assume are from women of different ages (wrong side of 40 myself) I've also had attempts/requests from 4 boyfriends in the 90's and 00's. (Wasn't interested until DH and I gave it a go together)

100% not normal.

Any man trying that shit on with me gets told firmly that I'm not interested and to leave the fuck alone.

Its porn culture and it is NOT ok.

Hated the idea of it. My ex pestered and badgered for our entire relationship (including accidentally!) I gave in. Still hated it...even more than I thought!!

I made clear to my now DP that it wouldn't be on the table and he's never pushed me at all to try.

I remember reading a story about a woman who took a random man home for presumably a ONS and he proceeded to use a butt plug on her (he'd brought on this night out) and he pushed it inside too far and she ended up in A&E having it removed.

I'm not saying use of the sex toy wasn't consensual - it's more that, in this case, the guy had it in his "tool kit" for potential use in any sexual encounter he was lucky to get that night.

I don't consider myself to be a prude, but to me, that's not "normal".

I feel old. I didn’t even know it was a “thing” until well into adulthood. I blame porn, and pity young women navigating sexual relationships nowadays.

YAdamnNBU

I actually dont mind a bit of play in that area, only very occasionally. Hubby is less interested in that area than me 😏

I do think its something that should be spoke about first.

I do blame the porn culture, my boys when they were teens were found to be sharing anal sex porn, when bringing them up on it they told me that they thought it was 'the norm' to be doing it all the time. 😡

It’s not a myth at all, I went to a traditional wedding in Tunisia and after the wedding all the guests went and waited outside the house that the bride and groom had gone to. The husband then lit a candle in the window. I asked why did that and was told it was to show that the bride had bled during sex so therefore was a virgin.

Grim as hell. Poor woman 🤬

There is no ‘slipping’, I was anally and vaginally raped by my exhusband. It had so much of an impact on me that I had to have a general anaesthetic in order to have a colonoscopy two years ago.

It has to be consensual the whole way.

I'm making a huge assumption but can't imagine that many women are into it either.

You're right, I personally think a sizeable amount is due to bad experiences (like slipping in). It doesn't have to be awful and excruciating, in fact no sexual act should be (unless it's Bdsm or whatever)

www.huffpost.com/entry/tunisia-virginity-wedding-night_n_56c7527ae4b0ec6725e265ba

Definitely something that requires additional discussion and consent. I'm sorry your experiences have been so awful, OP.

I would dump a guy for even asking for anal sex. I would probably become almost murderous if someone tried to insert something there without even asking first. That is NOT ok.

I'd assume any man who didn't ask first knew damn well what he was doing. Asking gives you a chance to say "NO", after all, whereas if he just forges on ahead, some women might just let it happen out of embarrassment or feeling that it's the done thing. Especially younger or otherwise less experienced or confident women.

I'd be immediately calling the whole thing off if someone tried that with me. (And then I'd boot them out the door. See if a boot up the arse on their way out does anything for them.)

I once had a boyfriend just try and stick it in without warning. The pain. 😤 I was absolutely furious. It is not part of sex and requires discussion and consent. Would men be happy we produce a dildo and stuck it up their arse with no discussion?

YANBU. Plus l don’t claim to be any anal sex aficionado but you don’t just “slip it in”. You need to do a certain amount of preparation and work up to it

@RiverSkater l have threatened to stick a rampant rabbit up the bum of any boyfriend who mentions anal sex. They typically laugh nervously and don’t mention it again. I’ve tried it and it’s not my thing

I had a ‘ooops it slipped in’ thing too when I was about 20 with a boyfriend I had been with for a couple of years… the pain lasted for days afterwards, made me feel quite sick. Since then it’s never been an option with anyone else (though to be fair only one person has asked, I said it’s not happening, that was the end of it) - I’m 46 for context.
I fear for my teenage daughters that they think they have to do this when they really, really don’t. It makes me so angry and hate the world, and porn, and men in general. Urgh.

I think a lot of men have had it normalised for them by porn culture etc where it’s rife so they think it’s a ‘standard’.

So is massive cocks, them cumming for England, epic long sessions, speedy recoveries but that’s not occurring either. I call double standards.

Once they can perform better we will after what else is on the table.

but if it’s good for the goose - it’s good for the gander. So they better be careful or we’ll be ‘slipping’ and accidentally inserting things in their derrières.

Effing porn!!!! 😡