Wedding drama

[Hiimblahblah]

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

Why did you waste everyone's time with a reverse?

I honestly think reverse OPs should be deleted, it's so fucking annoying.

Is the 'destination' Maui by any chance?

No way would I miss a siblings wedding celebration

Yeah, well good for you, but some people can't afford it. They could move heaven and earth but couldn't manage to scrape together the money to go to a wedding abroad or even to an expensive one in the uk.

You are being unreasonable to try and force yourself on their english wedding. They have invited you to the one they wabt you to attend, whether you attend or not is up to you, but forcing yourself on their other wedding is unreasonable.

@Hiimblahblah
The first wedding in the UK is the actual wedding, the marriage begins then, it is the legal one with all the paperwork. The rest is just a massive fake wedding/expensive party in Spain with your brothers wife wearing a white frock.🤷‍♀️

Why are you even bothering to go? They'll already be married.
Why should your own wedding suffer (especially if you're only having one, not a 2nd "fake" one) because you're wasting a load of cash to go to their Spanish Knees-up??

Wow, such a turnaround on this thread. People really don't like reverses, do they?
I don't care either way but each to their own.
But I got a bit lost in who was supposed to get married when.
The thrust of it remains that the bride and groom who told people they A/had to start saving to come to their 'wedding' abroad and B/could not come to the actual registry office wedding in the uk for the odd reason that the groom's GF had shelled out a few hundred quid to pay for it are being massively unreasonable.
As well as entitled and not a little weird.

Since when was asking if she can attend "forcing herself"?

Personally, I'd be busy washing my hair that week.

Seriously, OP, don't go.

Simply say you cannot afford it.

I bet you won't be the only ones!

YANBU to annoyed at the expectation that you (and everyone else) should save, and forfeit things they really want to spend their money on, to attend someone else's wedding (even if it is a sibling) abroad. I wouldn't have gone though if that is not how I wanted to spend my money/time - mainly because I'm not guided by FOG anymore (Fear Obligation Guilt) like I used to be.

YABU to start a very obvious reverse and then still go!

Apologies if this has been mentioned but if she wants to go she still can, even if you don't invite her. Weddings are public affairs, wherever they take place. She may want to object!

IMO destination weddings (where they expect everyone to save up all the money to go and to stay at the wedding destination) are really bloody selfish.

Whatever you think, your English 'ceremony' is your wedding, the other's just a party.

@mnhq should delete reverses. Complete waste of time reading the OP and just confuses matters.

I’ve read the updates but not sure I completely understand. Do you want to go to both? What’s the issue?

It's not only the money, the OP is wanting to dictate how they use what may be a limited amount of annual leave to go where she wants at their own expense! When did brides get so selfish and unthinking?

It's fine for them to exclude you from the English ceremony. Don't take it personally - they're doing that to everyone apart from witnesses

They're excluding everyone except the ones with the wallet! I've heard of 'pay per view' but 'pay to attend' is ridiculous.

Honestly, why the reverse format? Is it to try to make posters pile on? All you get is confused posters and pissed off posters. It’s really stupid.

Just wrote from your own perspective, people would have been on your side. Now it’s just a frustrating read.

The OP has had over a year to tell their brother they can’t afford to go/ won’t attend.

Part of me questions the delivery of ‘save up for our wedding’. OP before or after that statement did you tell them you were coming? And was that how it was delivered?

Something tells me that DB and DSIS have been engaged for years and always wanted an abroad wedding. Discussed this with family and covid has prevented this. Restrictions have lighted, everyone on the same page about them getting married abroad. Not indicating they don’t want to go , the couple have booked in advance to allow family and friend to budgeted for it but now OP has decided to get married. Didn’t factor the cost of this into the conversation and now it’s come down to it’ll be a squeeze.

The couple clearly don’t see the registrar office as their ceremony but a technicality. Their view seems black and white on this. DGP is paying for abroad wedding by the sounds of things hence them going. OP you are unreasonable to expect them to allow you to come as you want to save money.

This situation has clearly been caused by you being unable to have an adult conversation. How did you budget your own wedding? How many cut backs are you actually having? I also think it’s unreasonable for a couple abroad to be expected to pick up the costs of the guests. You either attend or you don’t, but make that clear to them.

Also leaving it so close is a pretty poor thing to do, what about the costs they’ve incurred for you to be a guest at their wedding?

My only experience regarding a wedding at a long distance destination was that the flight and hotel for 3 days was all paid for by the bridal party. It was not a place where I would know much about where to stay etc anyway. The bridegroom's family were wealthy and had tradition for being rather lavish.
I think it is rather outrageous to be told to start saving to be able to go to someone else's wedding.

The MN message at the end of the first post should read, “this thread is locked because it is a reverse, we have advised the OP to go and start a sensible thread instead”.

No, actually. A honeymoon is a holiday the couple take. They don't invite family and friends and pay for a day or more entertainment, food and party etc.

I've been to a wedding in the UK which wasn't legal, it doesn't have to be an abroad do. It was held in a beautiful chapel with the reception in the same estate but it wasn't a legal wedding which they had to do at a registry office. A Hindu or Muslim wedding will also require a registrar to do the legal marriage and somewhere with a licence so many couples will have a legal wedding at a different time to the wedding celebration. Or is that not OK either?

A wedding abroad will normally need a legal registry office wedding here in the UK as the individuals aren't citizens of that country.

If a couple want to hold their celebration abroad its up to them. I love a wedding abroad, the sun shines, the food is fabulous and everyone has a nice time. However I do recognise that this is not in the reach of everyone. If family and friends can't afford this then the couple are a bit stupid to organise it and get cross if no one can come. If people have to "save up" for it then it's probably a no go from the start. If however you move in circles where a few days abroad as an extra holiday is fine then why not?

Why did you write first post in your sister's name? It's odd.

Sil sounds like a sneaky bitch and personally I'd say sorry can't afford to go as I'm saving for my own wedding, which you are all aware of.

What's so expensive about your wedding that your family can't be expected to attend both in one year? Are they going to have to pay for hotels etc at yours too?

I don't get what the grandfather is paying for either, is it some of the abroad bit? Bit shot to make out someone has bought their place at a wedding and wouldn't be there otherwise.

I think destination weddings are unreasonable and I don't think anyone should feel bad about not being able to go. Likewise I don't think anyone is unreasonable to feel upset about missing the actual legal wedding either. But you lost a lot of my sympathy with the reverse.

I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t you have a joint wedding? Half the cost for all….

I cannot stand all this destination wedding drama. If you want people to come stay in England. Why not just stick with the English ceremony then go on honeymoon?