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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama

303 replies

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 09:31

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:36

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:32

@Hiimblahblah not joking. You asked for opinions. In my opinion you’re unreasonable. You’ve been given time to save, it’s your brothers wedding. Why are you making a drama out of it.

Not your entire opinion, that's fine.

But this part was a bit "WTF?!"

If he annoyed of my sister asked to*
come just to save money.*

OP posts:
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:36

@TalkingCat that’s such a strange view. Do you never ever go anywhere that may cost you for someone you love!? You never go to birthday dinners?/hen weekends etc?

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:37

We've had to make little cut on our own wedding to go to theirs. Money is still very much an issue, please don't assume, guys! I'm going, but I could have done without the expense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:37

We've had to make little cut on our own wedding to go to theirs. Money is still very much an issue, please don't assume, guys! I'm going, but I could have done without the expense.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 10/05/2022 11:37

If any of my children expect me to troop off somewhere overseas to have a post wedding party (or even a legal wedding itself), I’d happily go once they have provided me with a paid ticket and advised me which hotel they have made and paid the booking. I will take a nice frock and a present.

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:38

We've had to make little cut on our own wedding to go to theirs. Money is still very much an issue, please don't assume, guys! I'm going, but I could have done without the expense.

OP posts:
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:39

@Hiimblahblah well it seems like you only want to go to the registry office to save money… so yeah I’d be cheesed off at that. You’ve said yourself you want to go to that wedding to save Money. I just find that stance odd. No way would I miss a siblings wedding celebration

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 11:39

This is such a tedious thread.

CannaeRemember · 10/05/2022 11:39

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:38

We've had to make little cut on our own wedding to go to theirs. Money is still very much an issue, please don't assume, guys! I'm going, but I could have done without the expense.

But why would you sacrifice your own wedding to attend your brother's non-wedding?

TitsInAbsentia · 10/05/2022 11:40

I personally would have just said be shame to miss it but we can't do it, I mean what would they do if everyone said no we can't come to Spain?

Stravaig · 10/05/2022 11:45

Let's agree that the only people who have a 'destination wedding' are those who are genuinely wealthy enough to whisk their chosen guests off to a luxury island and host them for a few days, paying for everything. Anything else is entitled brattery, expecting family and friends to shell out a small fortune for the newlywedzilla's choice of Instagram backdrop. If it's important that specific people attend your wedding you make it easy for them or you pay their costs.

Stravaig · 10/05/2022 11:47

OP, I'd tell her you absolutely will come, but only if you can cut costs by making it a double wedding. Saves time and money for everyone.

ExMachinaDeus · 10/05/2022 11:49

Sorry guys, but yes, I'm the sister.

I seriously thought my DB was a little more considerate and less self centred, until this wedding came about.

awwww @Hiimblahblah i feel really sorry for you that you have such a vulgar aspirational entitled gut for a brother. But it looks as though he’s found his perfect match in the woman he’s marrying.

If my sibling treated me like that I think I’d find a reason not to attend. The actual marriage is the important bit and who wouldn’t want their nearest and dearest there?

The rest is vulgar show.

Enko · 10/05/2022 11:51

Having read the update I dont think I can vote

Sister (op) is unreasonable to be disappointed to not go to the legal wedding its not what they wish to see as a wedding

Brother is unreasonable to expect people to save up for a big wedding abroad and then get hurt people are not going/ordering passports etc

We got married abroad it meant that dhs sister didntattend. we never gave her any issue around it. Our choice to marry in my birth country her choice how she spends her money.

Swayingpalmtrees · 10/05/2022 11:54

Okay

Firstly your DB is very entitled to expect people to spend so much money going to their fake wedding overseas, when they can simply attend the real wedding in England. It is a new level of entitlement.

In your situation, I would cut costs down by going by myself and staying for just one night/two max in the cheapest possible place. I would not fork out for a new outfit, and would give them a home made gift. You need to go to avoid a huge drama, but you can scale it back as far as possible to limit the costs.

Destination weddings are always going to be difficult for some people to attend, the wedding couple should be aware of that. In covid times to me, they seem like a ridiculous risk too.

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:54

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:32

@Hiimblahblah not joking. You asked for opinions. In my opinion you’re unreasonable. You’ve been given time to save, it’s your brothers wedding. Why are you making a drama out of it.

We've had to make little cut on our own wedding to go to theirs.
Money is still very much an issue, please don't assume, guys!
I'm going, but I could have done without the expense.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 10/05/2022 11:55

If people don't have passports the chances of them going are zero now anyway. The passport offices are in disarray with very long waiting times.
It is a bullet proof excuse! Grin

Have you checked your passport lately op? Wink

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:58

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:36

@TalkingCat that’s such a strange view. Do you never ever go anywhere that may cost you for someone you love!? You never go to birthday dinners?/hen weekends etc?

@Whatsonmymindgrapes You cannot seriously, with a straight face, compare a trip to another country, that involves to just a week's annual leave, pet-sitting, children out of school, but also thousands of pounds travel AND accommodation, to a birthday dinner or hens night. You just can't. That's absurd, completely absurd and on some level, you must know that. Even a hens weekend in your own country is different from overseas flights, travel, accommodation.

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:59

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:37

We've had to make little cut on our own wedding to go to theirs. Money is still very much an issue, please don't assume, guys! I'm going, but I could have done without the expense.

So you're a pushover and are going. So you're going to reward their bad behaviour and treatment of you.

So why even bother asking us then?

growon · 10/05/2022 12:00

Have a joint wedding 💒

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 12:01

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:39

@Hiimblahblah well it seems like you only want to go to the registry office to save money… so yeah I’d be cheesed off at that. You’ve said yourself you want to go to that wedding to save Money. I just find that stance odd. No way would I miss a siblings wedding celebration

Wanting to save thousands of pounds, AND leave, and go to the REAL wedding at home is not 'odd'. Your entire attitude is very, very odd. I can only assume you don't work, don't have kids and are rich so going abroad and spending thousands of pounds is easy for you. Most people aren't as lucky as you. You clearly aren't capable of empathy or understanding other people's position.

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 12:02

Stravaig · 10/05/2022 11:45

Let's agree that the only people who have a 'destination wedding' are those who are genuinely wealthy enough to whisk their chosen guests off to a luxury island and host them for a few days, paying for everything. Anything else is entitled brattery, expecting family and friends to shell out a small fortune for the newlywedzilla's choice of Instagram backdrop. If it's important that specific people attend your wedding you make it easy for them or you pay their costs.

Hear, hear!

Ohmybod · 10/05/2022 12:02

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:38

We've had to make little cut on our own wedding to go to theirs. Money is still very much an issue, please don't assume, guys! I'm going, but I could have done without the expense.

OP, why didn’t you say last summer, when you knew they were planning to do an overseas wedding in 2022, that you couldn’t afford to come? Or else just suck it up and adjust your wedding budget then? YABU to be kicking off about it now.

A few months before our wedding, my SIL announced she could not come to our wedding and that she and her DP were in fact getting married overseas 6wks before ours (which had been planned well over a year ahead). We, along with the majority of DHs family including her own DF politely declined their invites. No one could afford it at such short notice. They had a lovely very small wedding of their own, and we had ours. No drama. You all need to grow up, own your decisions and start communicating.

womaniswomaniswoman · 10/05/2022 12:06

NamechangeFML · 10/05/2022 10:12

And dont let any twits on here tell you standing signing a book in a dingy office is "the real wedding" lol. eyeroll
your wedding is your commitment to each other , promises, hope for the future- to be heard and celebrated by your friends and family

Legally the English wedding is THE wedding though.

Or am I being a twit...

BobLemon · 10/05/2022 12:06

Flipping hard to vote on a reverse!

Anyway, you (yes, you, OP) are being unreasonable. You’re upset that someone hasn’t changed the format of their wedding for you.

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