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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama

303 replies

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 09:31

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

OP posts:
Hobnobswantshernameback · 10/05/2022 11:10

I don't get reverses
own your shit
if you want honest responses post your side of the story
unless your intention is to be a goady twat

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:10

*write

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:11

NamechangeFML · 10/05/2022 10:30

Oh i see ...
your just pissed off your SIL has the audacity to be getting married before you, after waiting through covid?

just fucking go ... sounds like youll enjoy a bloody holiday....

Wow 😅😅

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 10/05/2022 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is just horrible. It’s absolutely fine just to politely decline a destination wedding without being so spiteful and bitter about it.

some people enjoy going to destination weddings. Some don’t. Both opinions are fine.

I never understand why MNers even see a wedding invitation as a personal offence. Just decline if it doesn’t work for you.

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:13

I don't understand the purpose of a reverse. Why not just say, 'My DB is getting married abroad. blahblahblah blah, etc, so AIBU to refuse to attend?'

Would be a lot easier than wording it as if it's you. Why do people do reverses? Why bother? What's the point?

catandcoffee · 10/05/2022 11:14

NewandNotImproved · 10/05/2022 10:24

Reverses are such an obnoxious thing to do.

🖕💯

Gudbrand · 10/05/2022 11:14

I don't think it's rude to have a destination wedding - it IS incredibly rude and self centred though to get arsey when people say they can't attend

And saying things like "Just giving you a heads up that you need to start saving".
Fuck off - I don't need to do anything.
Well obviously I need to eat and drink and go to the toilet and sleep but I don't need to start saving to go to someone's destination wedding.

People need to get more comfortable with saying a clear no to things like this if they can't afford it or if they can't afford to take time off work.
With the cost of living going up so much there will be more and more people who just can't fork out for things like this - including expensive overnight hotel stays for weddings in the UK, never mind the ones abroad.
"I won't be able to come as I can't afford it"
"But... blah blah.. I'm your brother... you just need to save x quid a month"
"As I said, I can't afford it, so I won't be able to come"

There is absolutely no shame in not being able to afford something.

Cleothecat75 · 10/05/2022 11:14

Hopefully you’ve learned not to do a reverse again.

but, YANBU to not want to pay out for your siblings pretend wedding. If it were that important to them to get married abroad, they would be getting married abroad and not in a private register office before they go on holiday. Asking friends and family to pay for what is really a group holiday where they have chosen everything is VU and I would not be going. Far more important things to spend my money on.

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:15

GrendelsGrandma · 10/05/2022 10:30

Ah right, reverse time! Have you ever stated to your DB that you do not want to go? I think you might be unreasonable if you're stringing him along when you know you can't go, telling someone that sort of thing is best done the earlier the better. Destination weddings should be - we're going to Spain next June, it'll cost you about £1k pp, do you want to come? And then guests can decide for themselves.

I don't get the bit about the DGF paying for the UK bit - if it's just a registry office ceremony, they don't cost much at all. Nice of him to pay for it but I don't see why it's an issue.

No I am going to the one abroad. I only asked if I could go to the one in England to save money, I was told no.

OP posts:
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:16

You (the sister) are being unreasonable. The official one isnt their wedding, their wedding is abroad. They’ve given you loads of notice to save. If he annoyed of my sister asked to
come just to save money.

SunshineCake · 10/05/2022 11:18

Reverse threads should be treated like trolling

Crimeismymiddlename · 10/05/2022 11:18

I have heard the ‘you have had loads of time to save’ bollocks about overseas weddings so many times. I am always happy for people to get married however my financial circumstances are not up for someone else’s wedding. I assume if you are getting married abroad that you don’t actually want people to come. I recently heard of a couple demanding attendance of a couple to a wedding in America, and completely disregarding and being very disrespectful of the very valid
reasons this couple would not be
spending thousands to attend, they probably won’t be close friends again because of this.

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:19

Littlegoth · 10/05/2022 11:02

I’m planning an abroad wedding because I don’t want to invite people. My immediate family can be nightmares.

The only time I’ve ever attended an abroad wedding is because the couple already lived abroad.

I really don't understand the thought process with that. There's a thing called a Registry Office wedding for that. You only need 2 witnesses. You don't actually need to go abroad just to elope in private, @Littlegoth .

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:20

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:15

No I am going to the one abroad. I only asked if I could go to the one in England to save money, I was told no.

Show quote history

If you do go to the one abroad, you're a soft touch and a fool. I wouldn't go to either. Out of moral and principle.

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:21

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:16

You (the sister) are being unreasonable. The official one isnt their wedding, their wedding is abroad. They’ve given you loads of notice to save. If he annoyed of my sister asked to
come just to save money.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

Surely you're joking? 😐

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 10/05/2022 11:21

Mmmmm.............destination wedding always seam to set everyone off on mumset. You get the usual, it's not real and why would I spend £££s on a fake wedding etc. I've known plenty of couples to have the official registry office wedding not celebrated but to have to party and a ceremony at a later date/different time and it's been a wonderful celebration of their love etc. Its still the wedding in my eyes, the actual ritual celebration. If a wedding was signing the paperwork then why would anyone bother with the party?

There is nothing wrong with a destination wedding. It's great excuse for a holiday. Spain doesn't need to be that expensive. However if it's a struggle for your family to afford then your Brother and SIL have misjudged.

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 11:22

Sorry guys! I think I just felt 'safer' doing a reverse. I apologise for pissing people off. I've learned my lesson, won't happen again! Lol

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 10/05/2022 11:23

They are being unreasonable to expect anyone to pay money they don't have for anything, especially when it's not really a wedding.

But you've annoyed everyone with the reverse so I doubt you'll get a fair range of responses anyway.

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:23

fruitbrewhaha · 10/05/2022 11:21

Mmmmm.............destination wedding always seam to set everyone off on mumset. You get the usual, it's not real and why would I spend £££s on a fake wedding etc. I've known plenty of couples to have the official registry office wedding not celebrated but to have to party and a ceremony at a later date/different time and it's been a wonderful celebration of their love etc. Its still the wedding in my eyes, the actual ritual celebration. If a wedding was signing the paperwork then why would anyone bother with the party?

There is nothing wrong with a destination wedding. It's great excuse for a holiday. Spain doesn't need to be that expensive. However if it's a struggle for your family to afford then your Brother and SIL have misjudged.

but to have to party and a ceremony at a later date/different time and it's been a wonderful celebration of their love

That's usually called the Wedding Reception. And it's usually close to where you got married.

Going abroad is usually called the Honeymoon.

Penguinevere · 10/05/2022 11:27

I think people who choose a destination wedding should accept that people don’t have the same social obligation to attend.

I think you’re getting hung up on some of the little things like the year etc but the main point is that they shouldn’t be shitty with you or anyone else who declines to travel to Spain for the event.

JustAnotherMillennial · 10/05/2022 11:28

If it was my family I would make a geunine effort and try to save even if it was just to send me, and DH / kids stay at home. However if it is simply untenable either financially or other circumstances, OP I would be straight in saying that you cannot afford to go abroad, and the ball is in their court on whether they would invite you to the English wedding.

I have never been opposed destination weddings because they use to be affordable to attend (for some) in the age of cheap flights and a good economic climate, and I have never experienced someone guilt tripping me into attending. However the world has changed so people will have to accept that weddings are low priorities for many, especially when they are abroad,

Ihaveamagicwand · 10/05/2022 11:31

OP can’t believe after all that, you’d already decided you’re going anyway. What was the point?

Obviously money is not such a problem for you after all.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:32

@Hiimblahblah not joking. You asked for opinions. In my opinion you’re unreasonable. You’ve been given time to save, it’s your brothers wedding. Why are you making a drama out of it.

TalkingCat · 10/05/2022 11:35

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/05/2022 11:32

@Hiimblahblah not joking. You asked for opinions. In my opinion you’re unreasonable. You’ve been given time to save, it’s your brothers wedding. Why are you making a drama out of it.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes Why should she have to save? If the brother wants her there, he should pay her travel and accommodation.

HoppingPavlova · 10/05/2022 11:35

*NamechangeFML Oh i see ...

your just pissed off your SIL has the audacity to be getting married before you, after waiting through covid?

just fucking go ... sounds like youll enjoy a bloody holiday....*

And along comes the CF SIL🙄.

This is how the conversation would go in my house with my kids:

Kid - we have decided to have a post wedding party overseas after getting married here, and demand your attendance, so you are to start saving now and take a significant stretch of time off work that may or may not be convenient. I’d ask you not to make any expensive purchases that might compromise my plan.

Me - good one, that’s so funny, of course I’ll come to your actual wedding here, what’s the date and location.