MIL didn't accept Mother's Day gift

[Gina97]

So I got my MIL a $25 Starbucks gift card for Mother's Day. We have a newborn so I wanted to get her something easy. She came by yesterday and when I went to give her the gift she told me and my husband that she didn't like Starbucks and didn't take the gift. I didn't make a big deal of it but am I right in thinking that this is insanely rude?

Though I agree with everyone saying that would be the last gift the MIL ever got from the OP.

You don't return a gift to the giver. It's rude and ungracious, and in this case the giver has a newborn baby.

Does the MIL think she should have planned and bought (and presumably wrapped, etc) some acceptable Mother's Day gift on top of everything else going on in her life?

What is even the point of getting a Mothers day gift from your son if it isn't really from him anyway?

You realise @mathanxiety that not everyone draws such hard lines around their family? Mother in law is DHs mother but we have a relationship of our own. We go out together and socialise without the men / boys. She's my children's Nan. So if I see something I think she might like, me buying it doesn't show that DH is a total dickhead with no respect for his mother or me and he'd rather give her nothing than put some effort into it. It shows we're a team and a family. He doesn't get her something from the kids cos they never did for their Nan. I do cos I do for my Mom as we did for my Nan and they're not different levels of grandparents.

Yes there are clearly some men who cba and assume it's woman's work but OP has said nothing to suggest that.

So it's only from someone if you actually physically retrieve it from a shop? What about something that gets delivered to the house? What if the shop is next door to work, an hour from home. Do yo u really expect your oh to make a special journey there when you pass it four times a day, twenty times a week??

@mathanxiety so buy your logic the husband should have gone to Starbucks and bought a voucher for his mum and then the OP should have walked in 2 minutes later and bought the one for her mum.
Or the one who happened to be there at the time (ie the OP) buys both at the same time.
If he had been the one to go to Starbucks and buy the 2 vouchers - one of which is for his mil (ie the OPs mum) - would people be saying "oh that's terrible, how dare she not get her OWN mother a gift, getting her husband to do it, how lazy etc".

People on this site have really weird mother in law issues.
Me and my daughter often go at stay with mother in law without my husband.
Shock horror !!!

...so buy your logic the husband should have gone to Starbucks and bought a voucher for his mum and then the OP should have walked in 2 minutes later and bought the one for her mum.

Or the one who happened to be there at the time (ie the OP) buys both at the same time.
If he had been the one to go to Starbucks and buy the 2 vouchers - one of which is for his mil (ie the OPs mum) - would people be saying "oh that's terrible, how dare she not get her OWN mother a gift, getting her husband to do it, how lazy etc".

OK, let's explain this step by step.

A grown man whose wife has just had a baby buys his own mother a gift for Mother's Day. This saves his wife the bother of adding yet one more thing to her already hard-working-on-little-sleep-post-partum brain.

Now - and this is where being a grown up comes in - are you ready?
He does this, if Mother's Day gifts are something he considers important, every single year, regardless of whether his wife has just had a baby.

Obviously, if he is ill, or if there is some reason he can't put his mind to the gift for his own mother, he could ask his wife to help him out. Maybe she could pick up something he has ordered or bought. Maybe she could wrap it. He would need to do the work of planning it and ordering it all by himself, and he would need to ask his wife for her help in the spirit of someone asking a big favour, if he needed help.

Assuming the person you are married to will take over all your life admin is entitled behaviour and grown ups should avoid it.

This is called adulting. Everyone should try it.

A grown woman does the same wrt a gift for her own mother, if that is what she wishes to do to honour her mother.

Or in this particular instance, if her husband was going out to Starbucks to buy his mother a card and he was aware that she had just had a baby and it might be difficult for her to get out (you never know, some things are not that clear to some men) he could ask her if he could pick up a card for her mother while he was at it, or had she already arranged something.

Again, adulting...

I really don't know why it's so hard for posters here to understand why each grown up should do their own life admin, buy gifts for their own parents.

It's almost as if the concept of a woman's right not to be saddled with managing her husband's family relationships on his behalf hasn't occurred to some people.

People on this site have really weird mother in law issues.

It's not a mother in law issue.

It's setting ground rules in place so you won't be taken for granted by your life partner, and not letting him get away with the idea that you are his secretary.

A grown woman is perfectly entitled to send a birthday gift or Mother's Day gift, or Christmas gift, whatever, to her MIL.

From herself.

Doing all the gift spadework on behalf of this woman's son - I would strongly advise her not to do that.

@mathanxiety or a husband and wife could just work together and whichever is the most convenient thing to do is the one that gets done.
The OP bought the vouchers. Big deal. Maybe a daily walk with the pram takes her past Starbucks.
Your theory that grown ups should do their own 'life admin' means that if I wanted to buy my mum a m+s voucher I should travel the half an hour (so an hour out of my day) or so it takes me to get to the nearest branch - of course that includes paying bus fare.
Or my husband could grab one on his way home from work because he passes a branch everyday on his commute. Oh but no... how dare he? That's MY 'life admin' 🙄
(Since when is buying a gift admin?)

I am actually appalled at the people who "refuse gifts they don't like as they think it is a waste of money"
Wtaf
It is very rude.
Please do not refuse gifts you won't like. Be gracious about receiving the gift, and then re-gift or donate it. Do not tell the gift-giver: no- take this back- I don't like this and don't want to waste your money. Repeat: that is a very rude thing to do.

@Needmorelego is buying a gift a question of a thought popping into your head at the last minute and ducking into whatever shop you happen to be passing to get it, or is it sometimes more complicated than that?

You have clearly missed the entire point of my last few posts.

Again -

Planning, ordering/ buying gifts for your mother is something you should do yourself. (Aka, adulting).

Assuming your partner will take on this life admin task just because she has a vagina and a pair of tits capable of lactation is disrespectful.

It is the last word in laziness and entitlement to leave this detail of life admin to your partner when she has just had a baby.

A partner of either sex can of course ask their OH for help if it's needed when gift giving time comes around, for minor details like picking something up after the work of deciding what to buy/ordering has already been done.

It should never be taken for granted that a wife or husband will automatically take care of your grown up shit for you year after year - the planning and execution of details around gift giving for their own family of origin is up to each adult to do themselves.

Life admin - good grief. What a ridiculous over reaction.

Wifework: What Marriage Really Means for Women, by Susan Maushart...
Combining her own personal experiences as a twice-married mother of three with extensive research and statistical evidence, a fascinating foray into history examines the theoretical and evolutionary reasons behind marital inequity.

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Marriage-Really-Means-Woman/dp/1582342024

Highly recommended.

Knock yourself out.

Seeing as op actually handed over the thoughtful gift to mil (on Mother's Day) I'm now interested to know whether she wrote the card as well. Just wondered if that was another irritation to mil.

@mathanxiety well luckily me and my husband don't take it for granted that one of us will take on the others 'grown up shit year after year'.
We just talk to each other and don't care who does this/who does that nonsense.
You seem to really hate gifts though. One minute they're 'life admin', the next 'grown up shit'.
Funny... I always thought gifts were meant to be a nice thing.

Happy for you and your H, @Needmorelego.

You seem to have found a respectful system that works for you, exactly as I would advise.
You talk to each other.
You don't take each other for granted.

Congratulations, you are adulting!

Or in other words, you are taking care of the grown up shit - the life admin, as it were - that grown ups take care of, either on your own or in respectful co-operation with each other.

@SirChenjins - maybe you have never experienced the corrosive effect in your life or your relationship if you have one of item after item being placed on a wife's To Do list by a so-called life partner.

If that is the case, I'm happy for you.

I assure you the effects of this phenomenon are both real and unpleasant for the person being taken for granted.

A voucher is a very normal gift, albeit not personal or specific to a recipient, and common courtesy says you accept very normal gifts with good grace. If you can't or don't want it, you discretely EPA's sit on to someone who will.

Basic manners cost nothing. MIL was rude.

OP was not rude. She gave her MiL a very normal gift. It was a 'quick gift' due to circumstances this year but she knew MIL went to Starbucks occasionally and has family who works there who have seen MIL there. So it's not a gift that would be an obvious concern or which would, in some way, offend the MIl.

Wouldn't mind, but this thread with people claiming it's a rubbish gift yet MN often recommends money or vouchers on present threads 🤷‍♀️

It's weird. Any men buying Mothers Day gifts for their MIL? I doubt it.

Dh was the one who called at the shop, bought and paid for my mum's MIL gift. He also got MIL's this year. The shops were in town near where he works.

The gifts were joint decisions and came from joint income.

Sometimes I will order and buy, sometimes dh will go to a shop and buy (he works in town, I tend to do online shops more than him.) Works for us and we aren't precious about mine/your jobs, we both just get on with it all.

A grown man whose wife has just had a baby buys his own mother a gift for Mother's Day. This saves his wife the bother of adding yet one more thing to her already hard-working-on-little-sleep-post-partum brain. you realise op was IN Starbucks tho, right? She likes it, it's the only coffee shop in town so she'd gone to visit Starbucks because wanted to. Decided to get the gift card for Mom. Literally all she did extra was drop hi ma text and say "make it two gift cards please" and then trek home with the extra Wight of the second gift card lying heavily on the pram. She didn't trek a mountain for yak milk jewellery.

Omg you're such a bitch. Buy your own mother a present. She GREW you and you can't even bother to trek to somewhere your husband is yo buy something he could easily have picked up because you're a terrible human being and your adding to his husband work. Poor man. I bet he doesn't even know which mother is his with all this stress you're piled on his shoulders with your thoughtless arrogance that there will be some man there to pick up the slack for your poor daughter ING.

You don't have to spend it all in one go!

Dd loves getting Starbucks and Costa vouchers as part of her gift, usually one added from family for her especially since she went to university. She has them on her loyalty card thing and spends them gradually in the following weeks, on coffee, smoothie things, the odd snack. She also likes that she gains points from her voucher spends so gets a double benefit.

I know SleepingStandingUp! Shocker.

To make it worse - it was a chocolate shop and I 'made' him buy me some for myself to eat that evening too, not even as a mother's day gift for me(I am not his mum after all )
Though I was kind, once he got back from the detour I forced upon him I did let him have a little taste of my chocolate as a reward for doing the hard work for me! 🍫

I am reassured by your assurances, I assure you @mathanxiety

I can only imagine you missed the bit about the OP being Starbucks in your desperation to explain ‘adulting’ to other posters.