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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed money

106 replies

familydrama3 · 09/05/2022 20:30

I should start by saying that I know I am in the wrong but I want to know if this situation is also unreasonable.

Due to unforeseen circumstances in my husbands job we had to borrow some money from my FIL last year. We were in a situation where we couldn't even afford to put food on the table for us and the kids let alone pay the bills. The money was lent on the condition that it would be paid back at £50 a month until it had been paid off, or if we could afford to pay more then we would.

Fast forward 12 months and my hubby has now found a much better job with better pay. Between us we can pay the bills and food ect. We have also spent the last 12 months minimising any outgoings, this has included swapping bills to better rates, getting rid of two cars that we had on pcp and other measures. We are not well off at all but can afford the essentials.

As soon as DH got his new job my FIL started asking for us to increase the amount we would pay back each month, now this sounds reasonable but they were requesting £1000 a month instead of the £50. This is completely un doable and would have meant us not being able to pay any our bills. We wrote a nice but strong message to him explaining that this is completely impossible and stated what we could pay (more than the £50) and when it would be paid off.

FIL is now refusing to speak to us at all and has been talking about us to other family members. Not that this should matter but FIL is extremely wealthy and is not in desperate need of this money. The only reason I mention this is because we 1000% want to pay off this money as soon as possible but we will not be able to pay our mortgage if we do it in the way that is being requested. I feel that because it is not urgently needed by them it is unreasonable to try and put us in this position.

Like I said at the beginning we fully agree that we are in the wrong for borrowing the money but we also fully expect to pay it all back in full it will just take us slightly longer. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BalloonsAndWhistles · 09/05/2022 20:32

YANBU. I mean, what’s he going to do if you pay it back more slowly anyway? You’ve set out how quickly you can pay it back and as long as you keep to it then it seems fine to me.

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 20:34

YANBU. Do you have the agreement re payments in writing, e.g. email or text etc?

Just ignore MIL and quietly keep making the payments.

Do not engage in the drama with him. If anyone asks you, tell them you have never missed a payment as FIL knows very well.

TheHopefulMum · 09/05/2022 20:34

Personally I feel that FIL is being completely unreasonable. I can understand that he would want the money back as soon as possible but to have agreed a sum of £50 a month to then request £1000 seems silly. Even with 2 well paid jobs that would surely be unreasonable for most families.

Its a difficult situation to be in OP as I imagine it was very difficult to ask to loan the money in the first place without the added pressure to pay back above and beyond what you can afford.

InChocolateWeTrust · 09/05/2022 20:34

Can you get an ordinary bank loan with repayments are a rate you can manage, and use it to repay him?

He is being a bit of a git to change his mind when he had previously agreed to £50 a month, but this is why you should never borrow off family. Is it possible he's realised the current rate of inflation is going to completely devalue the money before you pay it back?

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 20:34

ignore FIL, I mean

Sleepeatrepeat · 09/05/2022 20:34

Never a borrower nor a lender be.

How much did you borrow and when will you have paid it back? It hink this impacts on whether he is being unreasonable

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 20:36

Sleepeatrepeat · 09/05/2022 20:34

Never a borrower nor a lender be.

How much did you borrow and when will you have paid it back? It hink this impacts on whether he is being unreasonable

A bit trite, given OP says they had no money to put food on table.

And he is BU, the amount has no bearing on it.

gamerchick · 09/05/2022 20:36

Just pay what you can. A grand a month is unreasonable.

It must have been a canny wedge of change though. I hope you've kept a record of payments in case he tries to be a knob legally though.

FloydPepper · 09/05/2022 20:36

If he wants 1000 a month I’d imagine you’ve borrowed a few k?

so 50 a month would have taken years to pay it back?

LittleOwl153 · 09/05/2022 20:37

Tbh I would find a way of paying it back in 1 go - even if this means adding to the mortgage or borrowing from your parents or something.

But if they forced me into this position it would be the last time I was accommodating to them and they would see alot less of me.

RealBecca · 09/05/2022 20:39

Yanbu but for an easy life I'd get a loan quote and show him what you can afford and say you will take it out and repay him the full value if he wants it repaying immediately. But it would be good to show him what the bank consider affordable payments by comparison.

Original poster
familydrama3 · 09/05/2022 20:39

Thanks for the replies. I don't want to give too many details as it's already quite outing but the amount was around the 5k mark. Originally agreed to be paid over a few years but now being requested over months not years. We have no option of getting a loan to cover it as we have bad credit rating due to husbands situation with his job last year

OP posts:
Gazelda · 09/05/2022 20:39

He sounds very unreasonable.
But if your DH. Ow has a better paid job, surely you can afford more than £50 now? I know that costs have gone up, but even £10 would show a willingness to pay sooner than the original plan. FIL is probably thinking "they said they'd pay more if they were able to. They are now able to, so why aren't they?".
As I said, he's being ridiculously unreasonable to demand £1000. But can you squeeze even a tiny bit more each month?

Sleepeatrepeat · 09/05/2022 20:46

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 20:36

A bit trite, given OP says they had no money to put food on table.

And he is BU, the amount has no bearing on it.

Show quote history

It absolutely had a bearing. If they borrowed £1000 then £50/month is going to take nearly 2 years to pay off of ot was £10,000 then that it going to take nearly 20 years.

Also depends on how much of an increase the new job has afforded them...

@familydrama3 did you get anything in writing at the time of the loan?

Original poster
familydrama3 · 09/05/2022 20:50

Nothing in writing at the time we took it. It was just agreeing that we would pay more as and when we could. The new job has meant we can live without worrying each month, so we can pay each bill without defaulting for once, we can pay for food shopping, the bare essentials that the children need and maybe one treat for the kids (trip out etc) per month.

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 09/05/2022 20:52

Offer to repay it at a rate you csn afford in front of witnesses.

If you can afford say, £200 a month, you can repay within 2.5 - 3 years - offer to pay interest and add that to the repayment.

YANBU - you are acknowledging the debt and you're willing to pay it off within a reasonable time.

Cailleachian · 09/05/2022 21:28

Have you explored why he has changed his mind?

  • Has he had a change of circumstance that might lead him to want it back earlier (eg diagnosis and wants to settle affairs)
  • Has he had a request from another family member and is trying to be "fair"?
  • Was he secretly resentful, but felt pushed into lending you the money given you were in bad circumstances?
  • Does he think you havent cut back enough, or that your income is higher than it is?
BarbaraofSeville · 09/05/2022 21:58

If he doesn't need the money and you've stuck to your agreement to pay at least £50 pm and increased it as your income has increased then YANBU.

Surely he must realise how much bills have gone up recently? And he wouldn't begrudge his grandchildren sufficient food, clothes and the occasional treat and day out?

Have you shown him your finances? Set out a budget showing how much you earn, how much you need to pay out each month, plus savings for Christmas, car repairs, emergency fund etc and offer him what's left.

If you pay back at £200 pm, it will only take around 2 years, which is a reasonable timescale if you can manage it.

Biker47 · 09/05/2022 22:05

I'd get a bank loan, pay him back in full and tell him to never contact me again.

mrsm43s · 09/05/2022 22:07

Presumably you can afford to raise the repayments by the same amount as your DH's uplift in salary, if you were managing to survive on the old salary now you've cut back/restructured your finances. It's unreasonable to expect to pay off a large loan at £50 per month if you can afford to pay it off quicker. It should be a priority to pay it off after covering basic living costs. It sounds as though the original agreement was that you'd pay more when you could afford to pay more. You can afford to pay more now, so you should do so. Whether your FIL's suggestion of £1000 per month is as unreasonable as it first sounds really depends on how big your DH's salary uplift is.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/05/2022 22:08

£1000 per Month. That's utterly ridiculous. Do not bite and over stretch yourselves to repay the debt.
Work out what you can manage. Set up a DD for that and tell them it will be repaid by x date.

RandomMess · 09/05/2022 22:09

What a peach FIL is.

Repay what you can afford each month. Send him a statement with each payment.

NoSquirrels · 09/05/2022 22:13

£1000 a month is ridiculous.

£50 a month is too low if your circumstances have improved.

Ignore what he’s saying to other people. You can tell them the situation if needed.

Aprilx · 09/05/2022 22:16

familydrama3 · 09/05/2022 20:39

Thanks for the replies. I don't want to give too many details as it's already quite outing but the amount was around the 5k mark. Originally agreed to be paid over a few years but now being requested over months not years. We have no option of getting a loan to cover it as we have bad credit rating due to husbands situation with his job last year

Well that would take ten years. I think you were taking the piss a bit over that and should have already offered to drastically increase the £50 now he is back at work with a good job.

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2022 22:19

Why did fil decide a £1000 a month?

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