Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed money

106 replies

familydrama3 · 09/05/2022 20:30

I should start by saying that I know I am in the wrong but I want to know if this situation is also unreasonable.

Due to unforeseen circumstances in my husbands job we had to borrow some money from my FIL last year. We were in a situation where we couldn't even afford to put food on the table for us and the kids let alone pay the bills. The money was lent on the condition that it would be paid back at £50 a month until it had been paid off, or if we could afford to pay more then we would.

Fast forward 12 months and my hubby has now found a much better job with better pay. Between us we can pay the bills and food ect. We have also spent the last 12 months minimising any outgoings, this has included swapping bills to better rates, getting rid of two cars that we had on pcp and other measures. We are not well off at all but can afford the essentials.

As soon as DH got his new job my FIL started asking for us to increase the amount we would pay back each month, now this sounds reasonable but they were requesting £1000 a month instead of the £50. This is completely un doable and would have meant us not being able to pay any our bills. We wrote a nice but strong message to him explaining that this is completely impossible and stated what we could pay (more than the £50) and when it would be paid off.

FIL is now refusing to speak to us at all and has been talking about us to other family members. Not that this should matter but FIL is extremely wealthy and is not in desperate need of this money. The only reason I mention this is because we 1000% want to pay off this money as soon as possible but we will not be able to pay our mortgage if we do it in the way that is being requested. I feel that because it is not urgently needed by them it is unreasonable to try and put us in this position.

Like I said at the beginning we fully agree that we are in the wrong for borrowing the money but we also fully expect to pay it all back in full it will just take us slightly longer. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 10/05/2022 12:04

Just continue paying the £200 per month that you can afford at present. In the absence of a formal agreement he can't "sue" as the original verbal agreement was for £50 per month anyway. So just keep sending the £200 per month that you have offered and can afford.

Is there still a MIL on the scene who your DH may be able to have a sensible conversation (if appropriate) with to let her know the position and that you do intend to repay but just at a lower rate than he requires.

FloydPepper · 10/05/2022 12:07

I’ve been the lender, and honestly, it doesn’t feel great when the recipient borrows to pay essential bills, then once they’re back on their feet can spend on luxuries while paying you back takes ages. It feels like you’re very low priority to them.

also an 8 year payback is very very slow

that said, trying to up to 1k is out of order

lanthanum · 10/05/2022 12:08

He probably wasn't anticipating the possibility of 10% inflation, which means that he'll effectively be getting back rather less than originally lent. An interest-free loan wasn't a big deal with very low interest and inflation rates, but he might be regretting it now.

I think a sensible compromise would be to offer to up the payments to something you can more reasonably afford, but also to offer to pay back a bit more in total than you borrowed, as interest.

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 12:10

FloydPepper · 10/05/2022 12:07

I’ve been the lender, and honestly, it doesn’t feel great when the recipient borrows to pay essential bills, then once they’re back on their feet can spend on luxuries while paying you back takes ages. It feels like you’re very low priority to them.

also an 8 year payback is very very slow

that said, trying to up to 1k is out of order

You would deny your grandkids the odd takeaway or day out because these are 'luxuries'?

That's disgusting.

Testina · 10/05/2022 12:10

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 11:01

If you read the thread, you'll see OP and her husband HAVE been increasing payments based on their increased income, and that they are paying £200pm.

Show quote history

@Indicatrice I have read the thread. Did you read my post?
I haven’t said OP hasn’t increased it. I’ve said it sounds like FIL had to approach them for the increase:

“As soon as DH got his new job my FIL started asking for us to increase the amount we would pay back each month, now”

That’s why I suggesting the perspective that the son was back on his feet and FIL was pissed off because he had to chase the increase in repayment.

caringcarer · 10/05/2022 12:18

£1000 month is very high but could you pay £250 a month. That way you would pay off debt more quickly. £50 would take forever. If it was me I would not be having a holiday or spending money on house etc until that debt was repaid in full. I would offer to pay interest on loan too.

justfiveminutes · 10/05/2022 12:22

caringcarer · 10/05/2022 12:18

£1000 month is very high but could you pay £250 a month. That way you would pay off debt more quickly. £50 would take forever. If it was me I would not be having a holiday or spending money on house etc until that debt was repaid in full. I would offer to pay interest on loan too.

OP has increased it to £200pm.

You're pretty daft if you offer to pay interest when it's not expected or asked for. I make a point of not giving away money unnecessarily.

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 12:26

Testina · 10/05/2022 12:10

@Indicatrice I have read the thread. Did you read my post?
I haven’t said OP hasn’t increased it. I’ve said it sounds like FIL had to approach them for the increase:

“As soon as DH got his new job my FIL started asking for us to increase the amount we would pay back each month, now”

That’s why I suggesting the perspective that the son was back on his feet and FIL was pissed off because he had to chase the increase in repayment.

Show quote history

Ah sorry. However,, it sounds like FIL didn’t even give OP/his son to increase payments and just started pushing his son as soon as he got a new job.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/05/2022 12:27

I would increase it a bit and say that’s the highest I can do-£250?

I probably wouldn’t be doing expensive day trips/holidays/buying stuff for the house out until it’s been paid off. He’s clearly got a problem with it, and is going to be pissed off with you spending money that he thinks is effectively his.

and I wouldn’t ever borrow money from him again. Sorry you have an in law like that :(

Shmithecat2 · 10/05/2022 12:27

Testina · 10/05/2022 12:10

@Indicatrice I have read the thread. Did you read my post?
I haven’t said OP hasn’t increased it. I’ve said it sounds like FIL had to approach them for the increase:

“As soon as DH got his new job my FIL started asking for us to increase the amount we would pay back each month, now”

That’s why I suggesting the perspective that the son was back on his feet and FIL was pissed off because he had to chase the increase in repayment.

Show quote history

Yeah, that's how I read it - that maybe FIL is pissed off that they had to be asked to increase to repayments rather than doing it off their own backs once their income was more stable.

grapewines · 10/05/2022 12:30

started pushing his son as soon as he got a new job.

He shouldn't have had to push, they should have upped the payments as soon as it was possible. Equally, lending money without a written agreement of terms is silly.

FitAt50 · 10/05/2022 12:31

Couple of questions:

  • How much more does your husband earn a month now.
  • Does your FIL know how much more you earn.
  • How much more money do you have left each month with the new salary and lower bills.
InChocolateWeTrust · 10/05/2022 12:32

Can you up the repayment to whatever you can afford, but also agree to adjust the remaining balance for inflation every 6 months or so?

Even at 200 a month he could be losing a grand of value due to inflation over the 2+ years its going to take you to repay.

redskyatnight · 10/05/2022 12:34

If DH now has a "much better job with much better pay" and you've spent the last 12 months "minimising any outgoings", I can see why FIL thinks that you might have more than £150 extra a month to spare. Although probably not as much as £1000 a month.

Irishfarmer · 10/05/2022 12:48

I think you FIL is being a complete prick!

£5,000 borrowed, approx £600 paid back ( £50*12), leaves £4,400. You are paying £200 p.m you'll have him paid back in 22 months. Where does he think you will get £1,000 p.m to pay him back! He agreed that £50 p.m was acceptable. You've upped that now by what you can afford. He shouldn't have agree to this if he was going to dramatically change terms.

Irishfarmer · 10/05/2022 12:51

InChocolateWeTrust · 10/05/2022 12:32

Can you up the repayment to whatever you can afford, but also agree to adjust the remaining balance for inflation every 6 months or so?

Even at 200 a month he could be losing a grand of value due to inflation over the 2+ years its going to take you to repay.

It sounds like that money would just sit in a current account anyway. So either way he is losing value on his money, why can't it be to help out his son as he agreed to do.

Herejustforthisone · 10/05/2022 12:53

FloydPepper · 10/05/2022 12:07

I’ve been the lender, and honestly, it doesn’t feel great when the recipient borrows to pay essential bills, then once they’re back on their feet can spend on luxuries while paying you back takes ages. It feels like you’re very low priority to them.

also an 8 year payback is very very slow

that said, trying to up to 1k is out of order

A day out a month or a takeaway is a luxury they should be denied, because you feel you should have your money back quicker, despite being ‘extremely wealthy’? That’s grim.

And read all the OP’s posts first. It’s a two year payback at £200 a month, assuming he’s not charging them interest.

Violet869 · 10/05/2022 12:53

YANBU, you agreed an amount and now he’s requesting more, £1,000 repayment a month is unrealistic for most families especially in the current climate.
Ignore, keep paying the payments until it’s paid off.

FloydPepper · 10/05/2022 12:54

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 12:10

You would deny your grandkids the odd takeaway or day out because these are 'luxuries'?

That's disgusting.

Show quote history

Where did I say that?

in my example I saw holidays and designer goods being bought, which did hurt a bit as that was more important than paying me bavk

however I never said anything

so please read what I said before you call me disgusting!

FloydPepper · 10/05/2022 12:57

Herejustforthisone · 10/05/2022 12:53

A day out a month or a takeaway is a luxury they should be denied, because you feel you should have your money back quicker, despite being ‘extremely wealthy’? That’s grim.

And read all the OP’s posts first. It’s a two year payback at £200 a month, assuming he’s not charging them interest.

Show quote history

And another one!

I did not say that! I was talking about my experience, before you pounce on me to have a go.

ChoiceMummy · 10/05/2022 13:07

familydrama3 · 10/05/2022 06:40

Nothing extravagant has been spent, a takeaway or a day out with the kids is the most we can afford to do at the moment as a treat so I don't see that being the issue. The gist of the message my dh sent was basically that we understand we borrowed money and will always be massively grateful, but that we have to put bills as a priority and that we can afford to pay a set amount each month and no higher

I'm afraid I don't think that paying for days out and takeaways justifies paying lower amounts back. For arguments sake, that's between say £30 and £100 a month more you could be paying back. And that should be the priority.
Paying £250 a month cuts the repayment timescale down by 5 months. That's quite significant.

It matters not if he is a millionaire, it's his money and you spending your money on niceties like takeaway and days out is not morally acceptable when you owe this 5k.

Iwonder08 · 10/05/2022 13:21

The whole story sounds very strange. Have you borrowed money before? Does your FIL have any grounds at all to think poorly about your ability to budget? If he is really a rich miser I m surprised he gave you any money at all at the first place.

MountainDewer · 10/05/2022 13:26

DP’s father is a bit like this. Always thinks we have too many takeaways, etc. We’ve never borrowed money from him (and hope to God we never have to!) but he’d think that lending gives him the right to dictate what we do with our lives.
And that we should live on lentils and no heating until we’ve paid him back!

I’m very conscientious w.r.t money (can’t even stand using credit cards) but wouldn’t like being dictated to

MountainDewer · 10/05/2022 13:32

@FloydPepper surely you can see the difference between designer bags/holidays and a takeaway? Annoying if that was your experience, but irrelevant to the current situation.

Of course this is MN so there’ll be people thinking that takeaways are the height of luxury…

D0lphine · 10/05/2022 14:08

I’d honestly get a weekend job stacking supermarket shelves or anything at all really to pay it off faster.

@Pickabearanybear I completely agree this is an excellent suggestion!

I'd get any evening and weekend job you can and use that to pay your FIL back.

Never, ever take ANYTHING from this man ever again. Not a favour, not old furniture, not anything at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread