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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think cousin has no self respect

127 replies

Glowwormsrockp · 08/05/2022 11:33

My cousin is throwing a huge 10 year anniversary party this July. I don't understand why as she's never been happy with her dh and during lockdown he lied to her, took money stealthily (they struggle financially so it's not like it's something he could afford) and spent it on Class A drugs, has lied in the past, as some examples. I've tried to broach the subject with her but her immediate reaction is anger. So I've dropped it now.
Aibu to think there's no logic to her thinking? Why flaunt something she is unhappy in? Why make it into a massive party? I don't understand? Aibu in my thinking?

OP posts:
Andromachehadabadday · 08/05/2022 22:00

Moaning….not maiming…that really would escalate the situation 😂

Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 08/05/2022 22:09

Ha

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 08/05/2022 22:30

I was going to ask why you care OP - "person throws party" but I see from your replies that you care because you think your cousin should leave this man and not celebrate him.

You can't control what other people do OP (mean't kindly). You can spend years of your life getting wound up that your cousin stays with her partner... or you can let them get on with it and accept that you can only control your own actions. Other people make their own choices and live with the consequences.

TheOriginalEmu · 09/05/2022 01:04

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 08/05/2022 17:56

What do your other relatives think about their situation?
Do any of them agree with your stance?

Does your Cousin and/or her H work?

What the hell does whether or not they work have to do with anything?

TheOriginalEmu · 09/05/2022 01:11

Glowwormsrockp · 08/05/2022 20:29

Everyone on here complaining like no one else has ever judged anyone before? Plus I want what's best for her, and what's best for her would be to leave him. He's a loser. He didn't care about his financially struggling family as he chose to take class A drugs. And that's only one of many things he's done but that aside it doesn't matter as she's unhappy!

And you’re going to make her more happy but posting this on MN are you? What if she sees this, do you think she’ll feel better?
she needs support and love, not you gossiping about her and judging her.

ClaryFairchild · 09/05/2022 02:25

If you feel that strongly about it then don't go? She is married, they have a 10year anniversary, she wants to have a party= 10 year anniversary party.

If she's unhappy she's probably just papering over the cracks. Hardly the first and definitely not that last to do that.

FangsForTheMemory · 09/05/2022 08:17

Glowwormsrockp · 08/05/2022 20:29

Everyone on here complaining like no one else has ever judged anyone before? Plus I want what's best for her, and what's best for her would be to leave him. He's a loser. He didn't care about his financially struggling family as he chose to take class A drugs. And that's only one of many things he's done but that aside it doesn't matter as she's unhappy!

You don’t get to choose what’s best for her. She does. Maybe she just wants a party and for people to be nice to her.

iheartmybeachhut · 09/05/2022 09:31

Why does op think it's her business to be rude to anyone having different opinions to her on here?

DrStrangesWife · 09/05/2022 09:32

I would just tell her you're not coming and list your reasons why.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 09/05/2022 09:37

YABU. Leave them to it.

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 09:49

The OP is clearly in the right and if her cousin is silly enough not to listen to good advice, all the OP can do is to decline any invite, judge harshly but fairly and frown when they next see the cousin or the DP who is rude enough to get inside the OP's headspace.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2022 10:01

It's as clear as the nose on your face that she's in denial and trying to gloss over the problems in her marriage. I'm surprised you even need to ask this. It's clear to you, presumably also clear to the rest of your family and clear to everyone on this thread.

But she's not the first and won't be the last person to want to invest in something which, for whatever reason, she still believes in.

What I find more bizarre is your over-investment in this situation and you apparent need for people to validate your schadenfreude in the pain she is going through. You already know the answer to the question you are posing: I'm not sure what you think you will achieve, either for her or for yourself.

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 10:29

And clearly making the OP complicit by inviting her. Would have been equally bad not to invite the OP and punish her for having standards. The poor OP can't win.

Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 09/05/2022 10:38

thank you @Zilla1

OP posts:
Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 09/05/2022 11:00

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 10:29

And clearly making the OP complicit by inviting her. Would have been equally bad not to invite the OP and punish her for having standards. The poor OP can't win.

Exactly. I have standards. I would not accept someone like that in my family. (Talking about her dh here)

OP posts:
Ariela · 09/05/2022 11:14

Or, she's going to out her 'D'H at the party in front of everyone. Will send invitation to 'D'H's bit on the side, A, with an hour later start time to be sure all her own friends are their first. Then, cousin will calmly announce this is actually a celebration of the fact they're divorcing due to 'D'H's infidelity with A, his drug problem and other sins.

Enjoy the party. It's none of your business, just be there for cousin when there is fall out.

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 09/05/2022 18:33

TheOriginalEmu · 09/05/2022 01:04

What the hell does whether or not they work have to do with anything?

Show quote history

Possible financial abuse/coercive control.

Wow that question seemed to rattle you. Have you never seen this type of abuse discussed on MN before?

Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 09/05/2022 19:04

Me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 09/05/2022 20:29

@WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone

OP posts:
WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 09/05/2022 20:43

@Glowwormsrockp No, not you OP.

My response was to @TheOriginalEmu

Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 09/05/2022 20:45

Ok thanks and you're right btw

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 09/05/2022 20:48

Glowwormsrockp · 08/05/2022 13:17

I just think she's silly and irresponsible. I'm allowed to speak freely. Oh I forgot everyone gets offended these days in this snowflakey country we live in.

Yabvu for this last statement.
Maybe your cousin just wants some happiness in all these troubles.

Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 09/05/2022 20:49

By celebrating the fact she's unhappy

OP posts:
Original poster
Glowwormsrockp · 09/05/2022 20:50

By celebrating the source of her unhappiness 🫤

OP posts:
Oddbodwould · 09/05/2022 22:15

God this is nasty. Can't imagine what kind of thoughts go through some people's head to make them want to gossip about someone they supposedly care about (Don't believe you do though) on a public forum. Think you need to take a long hard look at yourself OP before you start judging others.