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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a career?

233 replies

Holl90 · 08/05/2022 08:34

Anybody else feel the same? I’m happy as I am in my job and don’t really want to progress or want a career? I feel like I should want it though?

OP posts:
alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 09:32

It's OK to not want a career if you're happy that your current earning potential will get you the lifestyle you want.

Your situation is complicated by the fact you look after your children during some of the hours your DH works, so you can't compare your wages directly to his. But if you were to split, share custody 50:50 and rejig your hours around that, would your earnings be sufficient, or would your lack of a career mean you couldn't survive? Because if so, you are financially reliant on your DH.

My personal view is all women should always retain enough financial independence that they could leave their partners. That way, they are actively choosing to stay with them, rather than staying with them out of a financial pressure (which is a horrible imbalance).

Assuming the numbers stack up, there's nothing wrong with being unambitious. People are good at different things, and have interests in different things. If we were all the same, we'd all be competing for the same one job and the country wouldn't function.

Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:32

@sst1234 The man doesn’t completely get away with it, he will have to pay maintenance etc and childcare will have to be divided!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:38

A lot of of bitter women on here I see

OP posts:
Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:43

MOST people would struggle one way or another from a relationship breakdown involving children, good for you you sacrificed everything for your career that was your priority and I’m glad your happy with that, my main focus is my children and if my husband leaves I will deal with it when it comes….there is ALWAYS a way through!

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 09/05/2022 09:45

Iwonder08 · 09/05/2022 08:43

It is absolutely fine. However with your income limitations you need to be honest with yourself - someone will be subsidising your 'I don't want a career' choice.. Either a man or the government

Unless you know all the ins and outs of OP's situation, how do you know that?

Lots of people earn low wages and survive just fine without having to claim benefits or rely on a man to support them!

Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:46

I don’t rely on him for anything now, ok we go for fancy meals that I can 100% do without, less days out, would have to budget a lot if I was on my own, with maintenance I would manage. I’m a woman and a mother and I would do whatever it takes to provide for my children.

what is the point in thinking negatively about the future? Enjoy what you have now you would be so much happier.

OP posts:
sst1234 · 09/05/2022 09:47

Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:32

@sst1234 The man doesn’t completely get away with it, he will have to pay maintenance etc and childcare will have to be divided!

He absolutely can get away with it. And often does. At least in the UK. The systems in this country to hold fathers to account are not fit for purpose. Again the number of threads on this forum on this topic is eye opening.

doadeer · 09/05/2022 09:48

I've never felt like this. A career is really important to me.... It's a huge satisfaction. Even when I had more of a "job" I was obsessed with being the best I could.

I think we are all different and I don't expect everyone to be like me

Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:48

Well if he did that then he is a prick isn’t he and wouldn’t want anything from him

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 09/05/2022 09:50

Nobody is bitter, OP. I haven't even mentioned husband leaving or anything like that. It is true in this country that a person on under 30k salary unless they live by themselves in a shared accommodation, wouldn't be able to live independently from a man or the state. .It is strange you found this statement offensive. You made the choice that makes you happy and works for your set up.
But don't delude yourself that you enable your husband to work and progress, it is nonsense. Also it is entirely possible to have a career and children, people do all the time.

alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 09:50

Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:43

MOST people would struggle one way or another from a relationship breakdown involving children, good for you you sacrificed everything for your career that was your priority and I’m glad your happy with that, my main focus is my children and if my husband leaves I will deal with it when it comes….there is ALWAYS a way through!

It's easier financially after a relationship breakdown involving children if you have a career to fall back on, which you're choosing not to have.

I know plenty of women who simply went very part-time, i.e. they are keeping their hand in, and if they needed to, they could just up their hours. You can have a career, dial it back and still focus on your children...

I'm not saying you necessarily need a career. But I am saying that it's wrong of you to imply that you can only focus on your children if you don't have one. That's not true at all.

Mischance · 09/05/2022 09:52

It is a bit sad to see the many posts here that talk about planning for a break-up. My OH and I were a partnership - that was a given - and it was the basis of all the decisions we made.

Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:53

@alltheteeshirts I do work? I could up my hours if needed if he left?

OP posts:
alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 09:53

Mischance · 09/05/2022 09:52

It is a bit sad to see the many posts here that talk about planning for a break-up. My OH and I were a partnership - that was a given - and it was the basis of all the decisions we made.

It's not so much planning for a breakup. It's more about planning that you don't have to stay.

I don't think it's a healthy relationship if either partner feels like they don't have a choice but to stay in it. If both partners could afford to leave, but they stay together, they are making an active choice to be together, and I think that's beautiful.

alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 09:55

Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:53

@alltheteeshirts I do work? I could up my hours if needed if he left?

But given you have a 'job' rather than a 'career', would upping your hours give you enough money to live and support your children? If it would, then I don't think you need to feel funny about not wanting a career. As long as the earning potential you have is enough to meet your needs, there's nothing wrong with taking a less stressful job that pays the bills and makes you happy.

Not enough is, or needs to be on, a career path.

Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:56

@alltheteeshirts is it not more important that you want to stay together because you want a family unit for your children? Regardless of money. I love my DH and I think he loves me? He is a decent man and wouldn’t F me over and he did fuck him

OP posts:
alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 09:56

** Not everyone is, or needs to be on, a career path.

There really needs to be an edit button on MN...

sst1234 · 09/05/2022 09:59

Mischance · 09/05/2022 09:52

It is a bit sad to see the many posts here that talk about planning for a break-up. My OH and I were a partnership - that was a given - and it was the basis of all the decisions we made.

Yes reality can be sad, can’t it?

Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 10:02

If I upped my hours I would survive…yes are you ready for this…..on my own!!!!! Who would have thought it?!

I am with my husband because I love him and want to spend forever with him. If he decides to be a dick that’s his problem and I if I know him like I think I do, he would never want the kids to think less of him. There are actually decent men out there believe it or not…I have one 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 10:04

Yes reality can be sad, can’t it?

how pessimistic, I’m glad I don’t have your mentality.

OP posts:
alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 10:08

Holl90 · 09/05/2022 10:02

If I upped my hours I would survive…yes are you ready for this…..on my own!!!!! Who would have thought it?!

I am with my husband because I love him and want to spend forever with him. If he decides to be a dick that’s his problem and I if I know him like I think I do, he would never want the kids to think less of him. There are actually decent men out there believe it or not…I have one 😊

If you have enough financial independence for that to be true, then you're doing yourself a disservice in the way you talk about your job.

And no one ever enters a marriage hoping for it to last a couple of years... everyone wants it to last forever in the beginning. With that said, I'm less pessimistic than you probably think I am, and I do wish you a long, happy relationship with your DH. There are indeed some decent men out there.

alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 10:09

Holl90 · 09/05/2022 09:56

@alltheteeshirts is it not more important that you want to stay together because you want a family unit for your children? Regardless of money. I love my DH and I think he loves me? He is a decent man and wouldn’t F me over and he did fuck him

I'm not entirely sure what that's in response to, but my simple answer to your post is that it's complicated. You need there to be lots of reasons for a relationship to work, and none of them are necessarily more important than each other, but they need to all exist together.

For example, wanting to stay together for the kids is a dreadful reason if you both hate each other. However, if as you say, you love each other, it then becomes a good reason. The point being that no one reason can exist in isolation.

I think financial independence is important because if you know you can leave if you wanted to, it makes it easier to know that you are in love, and you aren't staying because a part of you loves the lifestyle and not the other person. However, financial independence on its own isn't a complete reason.

As for having a decent partner - I hope your OH is a decent man. There are decent men out there. However, many 'decent' men have turned into monsters on breaking up with them. It happens.

I just think you should never 'need' a partner. Instead, you should really want one, because your partner makes your life feel better in some way. I think some degree of independence is key - relationships have to be a choice, rather than forced by circumstances.

Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 10:13

I’m actually more bothered about the emotional fall out of the break up then anything financial, and that is because I love my DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holl90 · 09/05/2022 10:16

what About the women who think they would manage financially from a relationship breakdown and have themselves all set up for it, then they have a nervous breakdown and cannot work? Is that not taken into consideration?

Life isn’t all about money.

OP posts:
BrightOrangeOrange · 09/05/2022 10:19

I don't think some people on here realise that not everyone have massive mortgages.

A couple on £60,000 between them wouldn't be living in poverty where I live.

They probably wouldn't be holidaying in Dubai or America every year but not everyone wants. They are not living in poverty though.