'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

The grandparents have already rented a place nearby.
For 10 days.
It’s their proximity which us the issue here.

So invite someone on holiday then secretly book somewhere else and go there without telling them because somehow you inviting them equals them intruding on your ‘healing’ month long holiday?

I honestly don’t know how some people function day to day of this is the type of absolutely ridiculous behaviour they engage in. If you don’t want someone to go on holiday with you - don’t invite them! It’s literally that simple. But to invite them then secretly go somewhere else so they pay for and show up at a holiday you won’t be at expecting to spend time with their grandchild is toxic and odd behaviour.

I will agree however that the money spent on a month long holiday would be much better spend by op in therapy.

Could your apartment be your base and you spend a few days exploring elsewhere in the country? So say you have booked an apartment in Madrid, take the train to Barcelona for 3 nights/4 days, or wherever else, whcih happens to correspond with that 10 days.

Depends how you word it!
once a month - pretty decent for the grandparents not local

I too think that you've brought this on yourself by inviting them at all. It's absolutely not unreasonable for them to have lengthened their stay to make it a proper break.

Your only option now is to lay some firm boundaries and manage expectations starting from NOW.

She said every couple of months

you said 12x a year!

every other month
for a long weekend
8 hour round journey

seems pretty decent to me

You should not have told them you were planning holiday until far closer to you going, then not tell them where you going specifically. Just say Spain and leave it at that.

Good observations here.

You'll have to make the best of it now but perhaps counseling in order to discern why you felt you couldn't go away for a mere month without a problem. I mean, people move overseas away from family with less drama than this holiday seems to have caused.

You invited them though...?

Personally though, if you don't want to see THAT much of them over the 10 days, just do lots of "being out" over that period. That's the time to go to the local museums, explore the parks/cafes/shops etc. Or use that 10 days to have a "mini-break within your break" and spend a few days away at some other place in the country/city.

Or just be firm, "hi MIL! We'd love to see you on "these 3 fixed dates"! You have a google and let us know if anything takes your fancy of things to do!"

Agree

Some pre-holiday reading. - Toxic Parents / Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward.

You literally asked them to come and see you on your holiday. Why? Just absolutely inexplicable. Completely brought this on yourself. I would never invite my parents or in-laws to join us on holiday in a million years, but if I did, I wouldn't then describe them as 'gatecrashing'.

Their apartment is round the corner.

Fraaahnces needs to learn about comprehension once she's learned how to read.

Life would be easier if people understood what they needed, how to communicate their needs and how to stick to their needs/plans. Then made a Plan B.

10 days out of 28-31 days is hardly that onerous surely, given that no doubt they'll have days on their own, days with their grandchild etc and you're not obligated to spend those 10 days with them 247. And indeed it will no doubt give you opportunity to reconnect with your partner.

I get you feel that your family is so in need of this time, but you seem to not appreciate how lucky you are to be in a position to do so and that you invited them along.

Just organise the time so that it works well for all concerned.

Oh yeah tbh it’s probably the grandkid they’re interested in not you- can you leave your kid with them and have a mini break?!

You invited them. You can't ask people to fly to Europe for just 3 days. All you need to do is tell them when you'll be available to meet up and then be uncontactable the other days. They may not want to spend all their holiday with you either.

Then stop being people-pleaser and do what you need.

You can never do the best for everybody, life doesn't work like that

What does your husband say?

The OP hasn’t given very much detail at all.

As more likely the DM/MIL in this, I would be thinking, ‘great we’ve booked 10 days in…., three to see family as DD wanted ( we’ve complied to keep her happy as she invited us, and perhaps we can babysit one night and let DD have a childless meal out) and the rest of the time, is time for us, for ‘siteseeing’ romantic meals and time to relax’. How do we make sure our DD understands that we want some time alone and don’t want to be the ‘babysitter’? 😉😂

And that is why I said that every family dynamic is different.

The reality is that the OP invited them along and I think she needs to make peace with that. Some of the suggestions on here are ridiculous with people out to inflame the situation and cause a family rift. It sounds like the OP has had a tough year - there is no need to make it tougher.

So now the grandparents are toxic because they were invited on a holiday and booked it for 10 days, who is to say they want to spend every minute of their time with you. Who on earth wants to travel for only 3 days with all the forms you need now due to covid, the airport queues etc.

You did invite them to visit you there instead of the usual weekend visit, and going to Europe for 3 days may seem a waste to them, so 10 seems more worth it. Plus they have said they would give you space, so it doesn’t seem like they have done anything selfish or are going to ruin your holiday. I wouldn’t ruin it for yourself by foreseeing problems.

I voted YABU as I just cannot get my head around the fact that what was supposed to be an "escape from it all" holiday you invited the very people you are trying to escape from!

I agree with @ KermitlovesKeyLimePie

You invited them to come. You can't then dictate that they only come for 3 days. There was no need for there to be any drama over anything, you could have just arranged to see them as normal when you got back. Think you're just going to have to deal with it now

And with @GiltEdges

I also voted YABU because it is simply bonkers to invite the people you want to get away from. Why did you tell them where you are going? Do they have the address of where you are? Don’t give them the address and switch your phones off or mute them to the parents/in-laws until you are ready to communicate with them. You both need to find some way of being more assertive and establishing boundaries. You get walked all over because you allow it.

Except OP has to continue to live with her DP’s family and perhaps doesn’t want to behave like an odious shit?

This - who would travel abroad for THREE days? seriously? you need to give your head a wobble. You invited them.