'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

What a thing to say, to think people could be so nasty, these are grandparents just wanting some time with their granddaughter on a holiday they were invited on.

I’m going to be honest. You sound self defeatist and dramatic. You “don’t have the strength to be setting boundaries” I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous. Yes you do. If you have the strength to write on here then you have the strength to write a text message
”please cancel your holiday booking or we will have to book a different city to go to. We don’t want people round us for 10 days. You should have checked this was ok before booking. You are gate crashing our holiday and we need time alone” to be honest you shouldn’t have offered any kind of in road. You’re going to have to cancel the whole thing and start again. Start being an adult. Cancel the booking and because you are an adult and can do as you please you say “we’ve cancelled our booking as the plans weren’t suiting us” you don’t apologise and you don’t offer any other info

I would plan some ticketed days out in the 10 days for just the three of you and compromise on probably every other day being with them. You invited them knowing they would manipulate the situation in some way but you know for next time.

Well aren’t you just charming, she said to her parents why don’t you come and visit, she invited them, have you not read the OP????????? 🙄🙄

I’ve just read your post where you said “soften the backlash of being away for so long” I don’t understand why or how you live like this. I see grandparents of my kids on my terms and a few times a year. How are you so enmeshed that being away for a month would be even something that would cross their minds to have an opinion on? You need a life overhaul. You shouldn’t be seeing them so much if they are that involved you can’t go away for however long you want and no words cross their lips about it. They don’t get to have an opinion on your life. They aren’t your employer. You are adults. You go where you want, when you want and for however long you want. End of.

I get your frustration, but you are the architects of your own misfortune.

@Sally090807 she invited them but not for 10 days and my post was to tell her that she can indeed have boundaries. She is an adult and is perfectly entitled to cancel the entire booking if she wants. She owes nobody anything. They booked 10 days and that was not agreed. Stop being a martyr and stop telling her she should be a martyr. Plans change and it’s time to start putting in boundaries and living the life you want OP

They are there for 10 days, day 1 and 10 are travelling days, that leaves 8 days, if you saw them every other day that’s 4 days, 1 more than you wanted. To tell them they can visit for 3 days is a piss take with all the travelling involved.

There shouldn’t be a “backlash” because you’ve gone away for a month. That’s ridiculous. You need to sort this out (the general situation, not the holiday).

Why would there be a backlash because you’re away so long when you only see them every couple of months anyway

This

You invited them so not exactly gate crashing.

If your family crucially need this time to connect then you shouldn't have invited them, especially as she has form for domineering and taking advantage.

time for you to do what's right for your family - we will see you xyz dates but beyond that we need time for just us as we've already explained to you so please respect this - I'm sure you understand. Stiffen up that back bone!

Why would you encourage the OP to destroy the relationship with her parents / in-laws (still not clear which).

The OP invited them along and 'yes' they have booked for longer than than OP suggested, but in all honesty nobody gets to control how long someone else goes on holiday for. With the state of airports at the moment I can't say I blame them for wanting to stay longer.

This could all be sorted in advance with a sensible conversation without the silliness of cancelling / demanding they cancel / booking other trips etc

The problem here is that Mumsnet loves a good drama and falling out. Posters wind-up OPs until they behave in a way they wouldn't otherwise do and they sit back and watch the fall-out. They don't have to live with the consequences.

Some of the suggested texts are beyond awful.

Yes to allowing your daughter to be spend a couple of days with grandparents while you have your own space. Meet them once or twice but be otherwise us available. This doesn’t have to spoil your break

You are not self centred at all. You deserve your family time. You deserve peace and you have actually done this for your partner and child. You sound very unselfish to me. Tell them you said 3 days and that they can meet you for 3 days out side of your apartment. They do not get to come back to your space and you can leave when you need t that way. Your can definitely do it xx

Keep it simple. You invited them for three days. So that’s ok. The other days they’re also there aren’t your concern. That’s their own private holiday, nothing to do with you. And the other days YOU are there are your own private holiday, nothing to do with them. Before and after the three days, switch your phones off and don’t answer the door. Just do your own thing whether that’s seeing the sites or cooking or whatever.

Think about your boundaries some other time, and have a lovely three and a half weeks away with your child and husband.

I get the feeling that the OP's been reading too many self-help books. That's the only way of explaining the heightened emotional language of trauma, sanctuary, healing, toxicity and gate-crashing (you ruddy well invited them, OP, they didn't gate-crash!) etc. My recommendation would be to step away from the psychobabble, reduce your expectation of living your best life to leading a good-enough life, and dial back your expectation that a month in a foreign apartment (with the washing-up and shopping and peculiar neighbours you'll still be dealing with) will sort out your problems.

You invited the family to visit, now you have to deal with it. Others have come up with good ideas. They're there for 10 days, so plan some long days out, just you and your partner and child, in advance. Find an activity or event your child will enjoy and then stay out for the rest of the day on the beach or exploring or at the cinema or whatever. Tell your visitors when they arrive that you won't be available on Thursday or Sunday or Tuesday because you have things booked in advance. Don't tell them what you're doing, just change the subject or ignore if asked. If possible add in a two night trip to stay with a fictional old friend of yours from college days. Book a couple of nights AirBnB somewhere you've always wanted to visit. Don't tell the family where you're going. Split the days you see the family into manageable bites. Tell them that the doorbell to your apartment doesn't work, so if they want to call round they need to text or phone you.

Fill the three or four days you all spend together with activities that your child will enjoy and that will keep everyone busy and wear your visitors out. I would consider booking at least one day trip on a coach. It'll take the pressure off you. I might also choose a nice cafe or bar and a nice restaurant and tell the visitors that these are your favourite places to eat. That way if they are out and hoping to bump into you they will go there — and you will make sure you are elsewhere.

You made the mistake of inviting them, now you have to manage the situation. Of course none of this may be necessary. They may know you a lot better than you think and their promise that you won't know they're there may turn out to be true.

OP you sound quite the drama queen here and really quite self absorbed.
You seem to think they will want to spend all their time with you, I bet they are thinking to themselves, only 3 days with them and then we can enjoy our holiday!

How relaxing and lovely. Cooking up a gorgeous little dinner while the in laws knock on the door and you totally ignore it with your phones off.

’No, don’t answer the door Amelia. We only wanted Nanny and Granddad to visit for three days so we can recuperate for a month as a family honey. Sit down and rest and heal. Nanny will get bored soon. She needs to learn she can only fly to Spain for three days because that’s how long we are allowing her to come for. We won’t communicate that in a normal way, we’ll just turn our phones off and ignore them even though we invited them. That’s how we communicate in this family.’

Christ some people are beyond toxic.

Maybe to them it wasn’t worth travelling the distance for only 3 days. You have been assured that they won’t crowd you. Why can’t you accept that instead of being so negative and dramatic?

It’s just all so melodramatic and self pitying. Feeling ‘robbed’ of a holiday because family will be there for 10 days out of the 30 you’ll be there, not being able to ‘heal’ because you won’t have 30 full days alone with your husband and child, complaining that family are paying to come on holiday for a third of the time you’ll be there even though you invited them.

Yes, inviting them was madness if you knew what she was like. You’ll just have to hope they give you some days off during their stay.

Your last paragraph. I’m glad YOU said it!

Projecting?

Op I hear you Mrs! You feel as a gesture of good will the need to offer them 3 days holiday because you're a people pleaser. They've pushed the boundaries and actually shouldn't need to be told. If you were in a position to tel them you wouldn't have offered them the three days in the first place. Now actually you'd just like them to get it so you don't need the stress of having to arrange days out etc to avoid them because you need to drift where the wind takes you whilst you relax. So I don't have a solution but I totally understand how you've ended up in this position. As for the arse holes that are kicking you when you're clearly down well they're clearly in a worse place than you and a reminder that there's people always worse off but they just don't know it.