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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another MIL one

103 replies

britneyleah · 07/05/2022 22:13

AIBU for thinking it’s a bit wrong of MIL to not even consider helping out?

DP and I just had a baby, 15 week old, we didn't want to baptise until next year but due to religious reasoning (im not going to go into, because i know a lot of people on here aren't religious) we decided it best to baptise DS this year.

i'm not asking, nor expecting help, after all it's our baby, therefore our responsibility; however, MIL has made it clear a couple times she needs to save up money to help her niece out with her child's baptism. she's stressed how she wants to help her niece pay for the event (which i think is nice). AIBU to think she could've just asked if we were ok and set up, if we needed help? obviously unless in desperate measures, we wouldn't want help, again, it's our baby, and was our choice to baptise on short notice (hence everything is a lot harder to organise and a lot more expensive) so it's our responsibility, but wouldn't it have been nice to have her ask if we needed help?

MIL helps out a lot, don't get me wrong, she offers to help with buying milk, nappies and has bought DS so many things, we truly are blessed!

sometimes i feel i'm being selfish for feeling a little upset she didn't ask if we needed help and offers it quite obviously to her niece, for everyone to hear?

AIBU? i'm hoping to hear i'm not selfish, or i am to maybe get me to shake up and get over it!!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2022 22:15

Help financially?

Brefugee · 07/05/2022 22:15

get over it. Stop asking. Your MIL sounds stressed.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 07/05/2022 22:17

Start focusing on all the help she is giving - a lot more than many grandparents. If it’s your regular church goers then baptism are normally free. If you can’t afford to a party afterwards then don’t.

DemBonesDemBones · 07/05/2022 22:18

What's costing so much money? We've always done a buffet/cake with tea and once bubbles in the church hall after the service.

Heyisforhorses · 07/05/2022 22:19

When she offers nappies etc. what is your reply? If you are saying no thanks the whole time she will assume you are okay for money. Shes trying to help everyone by the sounds of things. In the nicest way of saying it, pay your own way, if you can't afford a big do, have a small one, if you're that into religion it's about the blessing not the party.

vipersnest1 · 07/05/2022 22:20

Just go ahead and organise (and pay for) the baptism yourselves.
What DMIL has decided to do with other family members is besides the point (and maybe they don't have as much money to spare as you do - unless DMIL is irrational, there will be some reason behind it).
Remember that she is your MIL for life (unless you're already planning on divorce?), so don't burn any bridges just yet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2022 22:20

MIL helps out a lot, don't get me wrong, she offers to help with buying milk, nappies and has bought DS so many things, we truly are blessed!

Indeed you are. I don’t know anyone who’s been bought milk or nappies. Do you need this help or is she just being nice?

Be grateful for what you’re getting and don’t waste time wondering why you’re not getting even more

LabradorFiasco · 07/05/2022 22:21

The thing is, when you have children, they’re nobody’s responsibility but your own. MIL is not obliged to financially or administratively support your child’s christening. She is already going above and beyond by buying you basic essentials like nappies. I wouldn’t dream of asking or expecting my parents or in-laws to do these kinds of things for me, DH or my children. And I say this as a Christian for whom infant baptism is quite meaningful.

So YABU but congratulations on your baby and all the best for the baptism!

Original poster
britneyleah · 07/05/2022 22:24

we have a big family either side, and she has insisted we should invite everyone and not leave anyone out, so we're rounding almost 100 people, do they all
attend.

again, please don't get me wrong, i don't want her to financially support us! it's that DP was stressed earlier about how everywhere we call for the baptism event/dinner is asking us for roughly £4k and she didn't seem bothered at all by her son just said to cut expenses, yet wants everyone present at the ceremony which is costing a fortune.

i'm not wanting to call her out for not helping, she does a lot for us! i just thought it would be nice to see if we needed help. but as i'm writing this i'm realising perhaps she's not financially able to since she's committed to help DN and doesn't want to fall back on her commitment! i guess IABU

so sorry for wasting your time! i hadn't thought about the fact that she perhaps really isn't able to and wouldn't want to offer help she perhaps doesn't have.

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 07/05/2022 22:25

YABU. Your MIL helps with a lot of things, she’s buying nappies and formula, that all adds up. You have chosen to have a baptism sooner and chosen to have a do with that. You don’t need to have a party after but I get it’s important to a lot of families. It’s important to my family to have a party after, so DD’s baptism will have to wait until we can afford it. If relatives started to get arsey because we haven’t had her baptised yet, they are more than welcome to pay otherwise it’s on our timeline and when we can afford it.

AllFreeOwls · 07/05/2022 22:25

Gently, it does sound like you need a shake on this one. Your MIL gives you a lot of help already (does your mum also offer to help?) and you sound a bit jealous that she's also helping someone else.
Accept the help she offers and let go of the jealousy.

Original poster
britneyleah · 07/05/2022 22:27

Heyisforhorses · 07/05/2022 22:19

When she offers nappies etc. what is your reply? If you are saying no thanks the whole time she will assume you are okay for money. Shes trying to help everyone by the sounds of things. In the nicest way of saying it, pay your own way, if you can't afford a big do, have a small one, if you're that into religion it's about the blessing not the party.

we usually accept, we're trying to find our own place, currently living with my parents as partner had been made redundant last year (due to covid) and lost his job, and i had just finished university.

we ended up pregnant and abortion wasn't an option for us. we always accept all the help, because we're sort of in need of it. i don't like pushing my luck, she's helped so much with helping with baby expenses!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2022 22:28

Well that’s an epic drip feed.

You and your partner are adults? Either way you’re now parents. No one gets to insist you invite 100 people to anything. Have the event you want, why on Earth are you going along with this?

It’s not about her “helping”, if she wants a fancy arse party she pays. But don’t do it in the first place. You probably don’t even know all of these people.

ZenKaleidoscope · 07/05/2022 22:29

Since you're paying you get to choose who you invite.

It seems like your real gripe is that she is insisting on you inviting people that you can't afford to cater for.

theviscountess · 07/05/2022 22:31

Sorry but a baptism doesn’t require a £4k bill. It requires a religious ceremony. That’s all.

(And I’m from a very religious catholic family so I do understand baptisms. If you don’t have the money you don’t have the party. Your baby can still be baptised.)

InTheNightWeWillWish · 07/05/2022 22:31

Cross posted. Is MIL insisting baby is baptised now or are you wanting baby baptised now?

If you want baby baptised now and MIL is insisting on inviting everyone, then have a small family thing and tell MIL you will do a big celebration when you can afford it. Which if the cost is £4K would be never for me. A baptism doesn’t have to be a meal. If you wanted to invite everyone to keep MIL happy, I would look at having cake after the service. It’ll probably cost a couple hundred £ but get some cutting cakes from M&S and some drinks in (or ask if the church if they will do drinks for a donation). If you want a bigger thing, then you either need to upset MIL and not invite everyone or wait until you can afford something bigger.

Everyoneishappier · 07/05/2022 22:32

4K on a christening ?? When you are living with parents and partner made redundant last year. ???

Give your heads a fucking wobble .. meanwhile who puts so much importance on a christening when you aren't even married!!

Discovereads · 07/05/2022 22:32

Just do the American thing and make it a pot luck party in someone’s garden after the baptism.

DemBonesDemBones · 07/05/2022 22:33

4K 😳 That's ridiculous. Don't have a party for goodness sake!

RoaryLion1 · 07/05/2022 22:37

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2022 22:28

Well that’s an epic drip feed.

You and your partner are adults? Either way you’re now parents. No one gets to insist you invite 100 people to anything. Have the event you want, why on Earth are you going along with this?

It’s not about her “helping”, if she wants a fancy arse party she pays. But don’t do it in the first place. You probably don’t even know all of these people.

This!!

Or, if you have to invite 100 people, invite them to the ceremony only (which I’m assuming is free?), and just don’t have anything afterwards. Have a smaller meal afterwards for close family if you have to - there shouldn’t be an expectation that you pay for an event for 100 people, I certainly wouldn’t expect that at a baptism. Your MIL can’t dictate a huge ceremony and not offer to pay for it.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2022 22:37

If you can't, or don't want to, spend four thousand fucking dollars on a baptism, then don't invite so many people. It's not rocket science.

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/05/2022 22:38

Tell MIL 'No' you're not paying £4K for a party, you have no money & a baby to bring up. You can't seriously live with your parents to save money then spend £4K on a party.

baptuse the baby (if you must), have tea & cake after. Bubbles for a toast, job done.

Gazelda · 07/05/2022 22:38

£4K on a baptism is madness. You simply can't afford that sort of budget.

Stop now and have a re-think. Invite your MIL round for a chat and put your cards on the table - your priorities are presumably to secure your own home, get your family's finances on a firm footing.

If you honestly want the baptism sooner rather than later (and aren't doing this because of outside pressure), then surely a warm and friendly service followed by tea/cake in the church hall will suffice? You could invite 100 people, but there's no need for that to cost more than a few hundred £.

And try not to be jealous of your MIL's niece. Maybe there's a reason she's being generous to her. Maybe there isn't. But focus on your own situation, and be thankful for the generosity being shown to you by your Parents and MIL.

BrilloSolar · 07/05/2022 22:44

So when she says, you have to invite X, Y, Z, you just say 'unfortunately we can't afford it'. And that's the end of it.

What part of bringing a child into your religion do you think God wants you to go £4k into debt fot?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/05/2022 22:51

BrilloSolar · 07/05/2022 22:44

So when she says, you have to invite X, Y, Z, you just say 'unfortunately we can't afford it'. And that's the end of it.

What part of bringing a child into your religion do you think God wants you to go £4k into debt fot?

This. Cultural expectations or parental/MIL ones not withstanding this is batshit.. Immediate nuclear family only with godparents if outside that.

Baptism is more often about the show for family than religious faith in my experience. You would be mentall to spend £4k unless you could get married at the same time, and even the if you don't have it, you don't have it.