another MIL one

[britneyleah]

AIBU for thinking it’s a bit wrong of MIL to not even consider helping out?

DP and I just had a baby, 15 week old, we didn't want to baptise until next year but due to religious reasoning (im not going to go into, because i know a lot of people on here aren't religious) we decided it best to baptise DS this year.

i'm not asking, nor expecting help, after all it's our baby, therefore our responsibility; however, MIL has made it clear a couple times she needs to save up money to help her niece out with her child's baptism. she's stressed how she wants to help her niece pay for the event (which i think is nice). AIBU to think she could've just asked if we were ok and set up, if we needed help? obviously unless in desperate measures, we wouldn't want help, again, it's our baby, and was our choice to baptise on short notice (hence everything is a lot harder to organise and a lot more expensive) so it's our responsibility, but wouldn't it have been nice to have her ask if we needed help?

MIL helps out a lot, don't get me wrong, she offers to help with buying milk, nappies and has bought DS so many things, we truly are blessed!

sometimes i feel i'm being selfish for feeling a little upset she didn't ask if we needed help and offers it quite obviously to her niece, for everyone to hear?

AIBU? i'm hoping to hear i'm not selfish, or i am to maybe get me to shake up and get over it!!

Can’t you hire the church hall afterwards organise a buffet? That seems quite normal from my experience.

apart from weddings, I have never been to any religious ceremonies that have had a celebration or after funeral event that would have cost anywhere near that.

You need to start establishing that you are grown ups and be sensible. Your priorities should be your own financial security and getting your own place not on a party! It sounds like you already have a lot on your plate so adding further money troubles is insane

So neither of you have jobs, you now have a child and you're homeless of sorts as staying with your parents .... £4k on a party 😵 you need to consider your priorities here!

Why do you even need a party?

yet wants everyone present at the ceremony which is costing a fortune.

How is the ceremony costing a fortune?? Please explain!

Im guessing you’re not having the standard church hall gathering with buffet, after the ceremony, but are wanting some stately home sit down meal with massive cake, photographer etc etc etc which is why it’s so expensive…..

Do not spend 4k on a baptism while saving for a house. It is really unfair on your parents, yourselves and your baby.

Have immediate family only, MIL does not get to insist you invite 100 guests.

my partner has a job now, im a SAHM, we're not both unemployed relying on anyone, just wanting to point out!

we ended up pregnant

Also, this ⬆️…. No.

My mil is a bit like this so I know what you mean and where you’re coming from. She has grown up grandkids from an older son who are only a few years younger than me, and around 7-8 years younger than DP. She is always fretting about being able to match their other, maternal grandmother’s contribution to their lives such as towards driving lessons, money for birthdays, now we are all getting older weddings etc (she recently contributed 3k to her grandsons wedding and then expected to be able to invite her friend who no one even knows). We are not even that much older and doing up a house, having a baby etc and we don’t get equal help. In fact she talks about money worries openly with us so we can never ask for anything. Which is fine, but it’s a funny dynamic and it means that she wants to be seen as so involved with the family when really we are helping her a lot and she just plays the role of this generous grandma. OP just be honest and say you can’t afford things, and if she doesn’t like how you’re doing things I’d just say ‘we’re not being silly with money’. She will soon get the picture. Do things how you want to do them, it’s your money and your baby!

maybe it's cultural, but back home, we usually either rent out a space fitting for everyone or we find a restaurant. usually restaurants are significantly cheaper (when called in good time, not last minute). we have not been able to locate a restaurant, so renting out a space with dinner for everyone has left us at this.

we ARE cutting down the list to cut down on costs, and i will not be spending an absurd amount of money on an after-ceremony whilst having a small baby. when we were hit with the final price, we were a bit taken back but will not pay this insane amount for everyone calling us ridiculous.

4k for a christening! Our wedding didn’t even cost that.

mil doesn’t get to decide how many people you invite or how you celebrate your own child’s christening day. Set a small budget and stick to it.

I’m also wondering if DMIL does the comparison thing a lot because you’re living with YOUR parents and they will naturally see more of your baby. Mine would be driven slightly demented by jealousy but being trying not to show it bless her, in that situation. She would then revert to telling us all about the people she does see on a regular basis - for example if the neighbor pops round with their toddler, it would be relayed to us all about what the toddler did, how good MIL was with the toddler, how the neighbour said she could babysit whenever. In a weird way to make us see that she too can be trusted with a small child. Not sure if your MIL is thinking this way but it might be that she wants to assert that she is close to DN and DN’s baby because she is the ‘special’ one in that relationship whereas she sees your mum as the special one for you and your baby.

You ‘ended up pregnant and abortion wasn’t an option for you’? Take some responsibility - you didn’t ‘end up pregnant’, you know how babies are made and went ahead and made one. Now you expect someone else to pay for you lavish £4k christening?! That’s more than I spent on my wedding 🤣 completely ludicrous thread

thank you! when i posted this i thought i could be being unreasonable. but reflecting on all of this, i don't think i am. she wants all of these people to attend, wants a specific day (which the date she wants is significantly more expensive) and knows we're struggling a little bit amongst all these requests she doesn't ask if we need help. i don't care about her helping DN, it's. incredibly nice of her, and that's not my business, i just feel like if you want all these requests which are pushing our budget it would be nice to ask if we're good?

she does it a little, though i don't think she means it maliciously she makes comments such as "my GS doesn't see as much of me as he does of my DM" or "i can take him over night too!" when DM offers to help out during the night. i think she wants to be more involved, i don't think it's anything more but there is a little bit of a comparison.

Also some people on here I think are looking at this from an English perspective- quick ceremony at local church, then back to village hall for tea and cake. Some countries a baptism is a big deal and people spend MONEY on it. Custom christening gowns, lavish meals etc. it’s a cultural thing and it’s a bit unfair to slate someone because they come from a different culture. Same with weddings. You see on here ‘just do a registry office’ some cultures you’d literally be ostracized for life for attempting it 🙈😂

also, to the "fell pregnant" comments. DP and i weren't planning on a baby, doesn't mean we weren't thrilled when we found out. was a massive shock for the both of us, but at no point did we consider abortion, it was not an option for us. please don't start with hurtful comments. we could've been "safer" but i also was on birth control and don't need insensitive comments on how babies are made.

right! it's totally normal to splurge on baptisms/weddings/even other religious moments, it's very traditional to go all out. it's not something you spend like than 2k on back home

My children weren't baptised or Christened so I can't really imagine why this is a big cost but it sounds like your MIL is helping financially in other ways and in terms of giving her time. I'd focus on this.

There is a saying - you cut your cloth to fit your purse
which in your case, means tea and cake in the church hall afterwards.

baptism is about welcoming a child into the church. It’s not about ostentatious displays of wealth.

nobody is going to judge you because you don’t have a big meal. So what if it is tradition in another country - you can’t afford it, and that is that.

start your life as a family as you mean to go on - which means making the best decisions for you.

Never ceases to amaze me ... the amount of people who have complete surprise pregnancies despite being 'on birth control' . I have never had a pregnancy that I didn't plan for. I live in very naice middle class area where people have babies - planned once they are married. Why is it that this particular demographic has none of the hyper-fertility that defies the failure rate stats .. that happens on MN every 5 minutes.

Could it be that those 'taking contraception' are simply not bothered about taking it properly ?

You are presumably living with your parents because you can’t afford a house of your own. In that case, why spend loads on a baptism party? I’d rather spend it on a house! I presume you’re not married as you say he’s a DP? So she isn’t t actually even your MIL? Have a baptism service with close family and a party tea at home and save your money to move out/get married.

This ^

@Heyisforhorses weirdly enough I have hired a 'bubble lady' for our church kid's Christmas party before! She was awesome

This.
Yes you need to get over it.

@SallyWD I’m not white knighting for the OP but because I see comparisons with my own family I feel like I have to say my bit - the MIL is insisting on a certain date (probably a bank holiday from what it sounds like, making everything more expensive) so that her Niece can definitely attend, the alternative dates offered Niece was not able to do so and therefore it sounds like Niece’s presence at this event is more important than the event itself. I don’t think MIL buying the odd pack of nappies makes up for that level of strange favouritism, and I’d be tempted to just do it on the date I wanted regardless of who can attend. I have experience of this when my partners nephew was getting married and it was rearranged for the 3rd time due to covid. We’d booked a holiday for the date it was booked on. I started saying ‘oh no, we’ve got a trip booked on that day!’ Meaning to finish my sentence with ‘but I will message the air b n b host and get it sorted for the following week so we can come to the wedding’ but before I could finish MIL literally leans on the counter with head in hands, crying out ‘No! You’ll have to rearrange it! You cannot miss the wedding!’ She then claimed she needed a brandy to calm down after the shock. I think though, that my MIL needs her own thread 😂 OP I stand by what I said earlier, just do what you want - you sound youngish so I totally get wanting to please the elders in the family above everything else, I have this in my own family (Irish background so a lot of great uncle Joe has to be collected and sorted out and great Aunt Mary has to be invited even though we’ve not seen her since 1972)!