another MIL one

[britneyleah]

AIBU for thinking it’s a bit wrong of MIL to not even consider helping out?

DP and I just had a baby, 15 week old, we didn't want to baptise until next year but due to religious reasoning (im not going to go into, because i know a lot of people on here aren't religious) we decided it best to baptise DS this year.

i'm not asking, nor expecting help, after all it's our baby, therefore our responsibility; however, MIL has made it clear a couple times she needs to save up money to help her niece out with her child's baptism. she's stressed how she wants to help her niece pay for the event (which i think is nice). AIBU to think she could've just asked if we were ok and set up, if we needed help? obviously unless in desperate measures, we wouldn't want help, again, it's our baby, and was our choice to baptise on short notice (hence everything is a lot harder to organise and a lot more expensive) so it's our responsibility, but wouldn't it have been nice to have her ask if we needed help?

MIL helps out a lot, don't get me wrong, she offers to help with buying milk, nappies and has bought DS so many things, we truly are blessed!

sometimes i feel i'm being selfish for feeling a little upset she didn't ask if we needed help and offers it quite obviously to her niece, for everyone to hear?

AIBU? i'm hoping to hear i'm not selfish, or i am to maybe get me to shake up and get over it!!

excuse me? no, it's not. i could be bothered and can go take my pill. i have never forgotten to take it in 6 years, so no, it's not down to me being careless. don't insinuate. sure, we could've done other things on top of being on birth control, but don't paint it out to seem as though i wasn't cautious with my bc.

@Everyoneishappier what a nasty post. You might find that all the naice middle class families you live with have actually experienced unwanted pregnancy but because it’s none of your business you don’t know about it. Alternatively I could make a snide remark about people waiting until they are nearly 40 and ‘financially secure’ being idiots to assume they will still be fertile, but I won’t.

I'm not sure if I have missed something in you posts but I haven't read anywhere what you would like for the baptism. Apart from not wanting to pay 4k, what would you like? You are allowed to have a say and if MIL disagrees remind her you are on a budget and as that parents, you have final say. Does MIL have a decent sized garden? Would having the the party at her house be an option?

thank you for the understanding. it's exactly this, and i've booked the venue for said date, but i will be cutting down the list of people attending by almost half, regardless of who's happy by this or not. i will not be putting the wants of anyone ahead of my child and how i need to be able to support him.

I'm glad my DIL is lovely, imagine being MUL to sone people on MN!

I feel for you OP. Your MIL sounds like she can be difficult & the comments & comparisons I think anyone would find annoying/hurtful at times.
You’re allowed to feel that way yet still be grateful for all the help she does give. And feeling natural frustration & disappointment in some of the things she does & says doesn’t diminish that you don’t still value & appreciate her etc. She sounds a bit of pain to me & YANBU or pathetic or complaining as some PP are making you out to be. I wouldn’t like it either.

@Blarting yeah the MIL in this op sounds like an absolute saint…

just to let you know your DIL has definitely slagged you off at least once in her life.

She seems to be doing enough for you, why are you even expecting it? Why are you in need of so much help?

The problem with falling back on “but tradition” is that you’re not in a traditional set up. You’re not married, the baby was a surprise and you’re living with your parents. Tradition isn’t relevant because that’s not the part you’ve chosen.

It’s good your boyfriend has a job and hopefully you’re trying to save up to get your own place. Your parents are being very good by supporting you both and your baby but they presumably expect you to move out at some point and support yourselves and you haven’t said what they think about you spending thousands on a party.

Stop banging on about what people back home would do and what other peoples’ expectations of this event are. You’re living under someone else’s roof, another person is paying for your nappies and formula, you’re prioritising a party over standing on your own two feet.

Be realistic about what this baptism can be, what’s it’s for, who it’s for.

And for goodness sake focus on being able to provide for yourselves and your child - essentials - over a party - a luxury.

If you are living in and need to save for a place of your own it seems unnecessary to have a party with 100 guests after a baptism making it as expensive as some weddings. Also you will probably find the numbers who can go to the ceremony are limited. There is often more than one baptism going on at a time. Everyone couldn't bring 100 guests. I would invite a small number to the church and just have them afterwards. Or go out to lunch afterwards with the godparents, their partners and both sets of your parents. If you've brought the baptism forward it is understandable that your mil can't help at short notice if she has made a commitment elsewhere. She has explained her position and it is fair enough but she can't dictate a big party. Just explain your own position...can't afford it ...fair enough. You say you want the baptism early for religious reasons. If so that is the main importance to you and a big party isn't important ...or deep down do you really want that as well as the service yourself and are disappointed? Clearly you have two choices. Early baptism and no big party or wait and have a big party. In your shoes I would go for small and aiming for a place of your own asap. Staying with parents, however nice, can turn out stressful all round if it goes on too long. 😀

OP, ignore those stupid comments about unplanned pregnancy. I got pregnant with the coil, nothing is 100% safe.
Mil is being grossly unfair. Her demands about the date are adding costs you can’t afford. Cut the guest list, move the date to one that is cheaper and get your partner to deal with mil. When she starts with the comparison to DN, grey rock her to shut her down. This is your baby, your little family and your choices.

Yes you are totally unreasonable (and self obsessed) to expect financial help from your MIL who is already helping you for something you want to organise. If you can’t afford it don’t do it.

I've been to many many christenings/baptisms/ communions and have 5 godchildren all now adults. I doubt very much that they cost anything like £4k.

Was usually the church service then to the church hall for a buffet (home made or supermarket platters) and BYO booze. A lot had blowing bubbles for the children and or a bouncy castle.

I didn't have mine christened as I wanted them to chose their own religion and I'm not religious. They both went to a CofE primary school as it was an outstanding school with good values, but are both atheist (adults).

I'd suggest waiting until you can afford the ceremony you want. Concentrate on saving for a home.

This isn’t about religion it’s about showing off.

mist if my friends are wealthy - but wouldn’t dream of spending £4K on a christening. It’s grandparents, their siblings and maybe one or two friends either to a restaurant or back to their home. Champagne and sandwiches.

how can you possibly need 100 people at £40 a head? It sound flash and showy.

i am atheist, but had understood this is I ritual about your child spiritual future? Not a big fat gypsy wedding!!

make some cucumber sandwiches and scones, but some fix and invite a dozen people to yours after. If you have that sort of money spare, but it in a bank account to help with university fees. That i investing in your child’s future.

😄😄 this morning I was thinking of alternate jobs, coincidence 🤔 😄

Oh do f-off. I became pregnant to my then fiancé now husband 28 years ago. I was on contraception. I did not miss it. I was not ill. There is a very small but genuine failure rate with all forms of contraceptives. I was on the full pill. For what it's worth, we too are 'naice' middle class people. Actually we are more like top 0.5% (I'm sure you will care about such shit). We are both university educated. Oxford andfor me, in my home country. We also fell pregnant immediately with number 2 and 3 when we tried so we are obviously very fertile together. It was a massive shock but fortunately we were abs are madly in love and were financially very secure. So Sod off with your snide comments.

@britneyleah

I'd say spending £4k on a christening is ridiculous when your currently living with parents and needing financial help with nappies and milk.

Cancel the whole thing till your financially settled surely??

i've booked the venue for said date, but i will be cutting down the list of people attending by almost half, regardless of who's happy by this or not. i will not be putting the wants of anyone ahead of my child and how i need to be able to support him.

it is a lot about "i" and you and the MIL but not so much about what your DH wants. Or if the child's other grandparents are contributing etc etc.

I don't understand anyone would entertain this shit.

Rebook for the date you want, invite who you want and provide refreshments as you want.

And I've been trying for a baby for years now with no luck. Maybe I should start back on contraception!

@Everyoneishappier You do realise that the pill isn’t 100% effective, don’t you? It’s over 99% effective but that means there will still be women every year who fall pregnant despite being on the pill.

I live in very naice middle class area where people have babies - planned once they are married

Perhaps some of these naice middle class people you know just don’t tell people of their accidental pregnancies, probably to avoid the judgement of people like you.

This is not a " another mil" thread

This is just a "you are being entitled" thread

@Heyisforhorses I can't think of a better career

I sympathise, we had a lot of similar behaviour when we got married. We were being told what we could and could not do by DH’s family. I told him I wasn’t putting up with 18 months of it, there would be no wedding. In the end, we opted to get married abroad with a party here. MIL still kept adding to “her” guest list.

DH and I simply didn’t invite anyone we didn’t know, we were paying so it was for our guests. We were also being told to invite X and family, without being told how many “And family” might entail, which is tricky when the event is on a boat!

i think the main difference is that we were a lot older, and not prepared to allow MIL to dictate to us.

My parents, on the other hand were “you don’t need to invite them, we weren’t invited to their child’s wedding, invite who you want there, not Who is an obligation”.

just tell MIL that the guest list is beyond your budget, either the customary feast is off the table, or the number of guests.

Don't be so ridiculous. The pill is 99% effective if taken correctly. Depo more so. If you believe all the stories on here then for some reason its failure rate has plummeted to around 50% . It's nonsense. We all know that there are a huge percentage of women who are let's say - less than diligent with contraception. Preferring to give the line of contraceptive failure - when in fact it's just human failure to take it as required to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

Why do a massively huge amount of 'accidents' happen to people who don't 'believe in abortion' .. you would think if this were the case there would be a doubling of the means to prevent accidental pregnancy. ie Condom AND pill. ?

You suggest that 'naice middle class families with planned pregnancies are just not fessing up to failures in contraception - why are they all so pro abortion when it's a moral decision that is not based on economic advantage ?

Sorry I don't believe it for 1 minute.

"we are not inviting that many people. We cannot afford it"

She can 'insist' all she likes but it is not her decision and she can't make you. You need to understand that or you'll be doing everything she 'insists' on and that is, frankly, fucking batcrap crazy of you.