Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another MIL one

103 replies

britneyleah · 07/05/2022 22:13

AIBU for thinking it’s a bit wrong of MIL to not even consider helping out?

DP and I just had a baby, 15 week old, we didn't want to baptise until next year but due to religious reasoning (im not going to go into, because i know a lot of people on here aren't religious) we decided it best to baptise DS this year.

i'm not asking, nor expecting help, after all it's our baby, therefore our responsibility; however, MIL has made it clear a couple times she needs to save up money to help her niece out with her child's baptism. she's stressed how she wants to help her niece pay for the event (which i think is nice). AIBU to think she could've just asked if we were ok and set up, if we needed help? obviously unless in desperate measures, we wouldn't want help, again, it's our baby, and was our choice to baptise on short notice (hence everything is a lot harder to organise and a lot more expensive) so it's our responsibility, but wouldn't it have been nice to have her ask if we needed help?

MIL helps out a lot, don't get me wrong, she offers to help with buying milk, nappies and has bought DS so many things, we truly are blessed!

sometimes i feel i'm being selfish for feeling a little upset she didn't ask if we needed help and offers it quite obviously to her niece, for everyone to hear?

AIBU? i'm hoping to hear i'm not selfish, or i am to maybe get me to shake up and get over it!!

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 07/05/2022 22:54

You're having a laugh. Living with your parents and considering a £4k party? That's 4 months rent round here.

If MiL's not paying, MiL doesn't get to insist on anything more than everyone gathering for a drink afterwards.

BestDove · 07/05/2022 22:59

You can't afford a fancy party. Just have the religious ceremony and ask just the godparents and grandparents to attend. Have a cuppa and cake at home after.

Original poster
britneyleah · 07/05/2022 22:59

a lot of people are saying it's jealousy if MIL DN, it's not, they're very close, and i understand that, MIL helped raise DN. what made me feel and i think DP too was her disregard to him saying he's worried about generating that sort of money.

i'll give some background information, MIL has compared DS "habits" and "events" a lot to her DNs daughter. when DS cries and wants to be held, it's comments such as "my DN never let x fall into habit of wanting to be held all the time" and we occasionally co-sleep (our choice as parents) we hear MIL say "DN never co-slept with DND". a couple weeks ago, my DM brought home something her boss gave her from her DC and told my mum "you can give it a paint over in a more boyish colour and it's perfect for your GS" and MIL wanted DM to give it to her so she could send it to her DN.

my entire pregnancy anything from heartburn to what i ate MIL compared me to her DN "you have to eat more, my DN used to eat such and such" or "why don't you ask DN what you should be doing" "DN did this for heartburn.."

it's a pileup of things, it's a beautiful relationship the two of them have. but sometimes i feel some comments are inconsiderate. she insisted the baptism date was on a specific date because DN couldn't do another day, which i was happy to oblige
to, but cost me some of my family members attending because they couldn't do said date.

DP and i just feel it was a bit wrong of her to continuously say "she needs to save up" constantly, to provide for DNs baptism (DN and her husband have great jobs and earn very well, good car, good house, good lifestyle) and when DP mentions he's struggling, she just says "he needs to save up".

it's not jealousy for those putting it down to jealousy.

OP posts:
Philisophigal · 07/05/2022 23:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

OnaBegonia · 07/05/2022 23:09

Who on earth invites 100 ppl to a christening?
And £40per head? get a grip!
Invite close family and do a buffet for £100 yourself.

Irishfarmer · 07/05/2022 23:14

What sort of a christening are you having? I have been to some that probably did cost that amount but they really do not need to be!! I have a massive family so does DH. We are inviting them to the church then to ours where I will supply a bit of a buffet/ tea/ few drinks.

You are living with your parents to save money to buy a house 4k will be far better off spent on that!!

cafedesreves · 07/05/2022 23:14

I've never heard of this. We baptised our son and had a buffet lunch at home afterwards. £4K when you're not working and have no income is total madness!

Pickabearanybear · 07/05/2022 23:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Autienotnaughtie · 07/05/2022 23:19

It's your child's baptism you need to decide numbers /cost. We couldn't afford for all extended family to come as would be too expensive. We hired a hall and did own catering cost about £500. If mil complains explain she is welcome to pay for any extra family. The dn comments would annoy me also firm believer in fairness if she's contributing to dn child's baptism she should do same for her ds child.

timeisnotaline · 07/05/2022 23:25

Cancel the baptism for now and say you will hold it when baby is a little older. You’d be insane to spend thousands on a baptism when you’re living with your parents to save money. Do you really want to invite 100 people? Have a heart to heart with Dh and work out what you two really want and do that. She’s not paying she doesn’t choose. Personally I’d rather 30 people at my house. (Unless it’s a baptism that costs 1000s tell each other to get a grip and remind each other you want a house too) You can tell your mil you can’t afford an event and that’s how many your parents are willing to host, they’ve been so kind letting you live there that no you will not push that number at all. (Shame If dn doesn’t make the cut!)
Be a bit more blunt with mil generally as she sounds extremely annoying. I don’t see any harm in your dh pointing out that’s nice, dn did it her way but this is our baby and we are doing it our way. /. Did your mil always point out someone who did parenting better when Dh was small mil? I really don’t need that kind of criticism.

SpeedofaSloth · 07/05/2022 23:26

Um, I am RC, my kids are baptised, the first time our guests went to a local pub for lunch afterwards and all paid for ourselves, second time we had a bit more cash to spare so have 30 people back to our house with a £100 buffet from the local farm shop. I don't think I could actually muster 100 people to come to a baptism party. It doesn't have to cost £4k. If it does, then it's not about the sacrament, is it?

DillyDilly · 08/05/2022 07:45

You are a very silly couple if you spend £4,000 (or anything more than £50) on your baby’s christening when you cannot afford it. Why are you even considering it??? We are in a good place financially and never spent anything like that on christenings, all three combined didn’t come close to £4,000.

Invite grandparents and godparents to the church and have tea and cake in your parents house afterwards. Anything else is stupidity. The mind boggles that you are even considering this.

Gizacluethen · 08/05/2022 08:03

Is there a cultural thing going on here can I ask? I just cannot wrap my head around spending 4k on just the catering of a baptism for which 100 people are invited. Surely a close family affair with a dinner at a local pub is more than enough?

You should be saving to get your own place not throwing a big party. If you can't afford to buy nappies for your child then you're bang out of order paying 4k on a party.

Rule 1 of being parents: Prioritise your child.
Does your child care in the slightest if you have a party after their baptism? No. Not at all. But your child needs responsible parents who can provide a roof over their head, food in their belly and a dry nappy on their bum.

Don't care what MIL is doing for DN. Time to grow up and focus on your own family.

Rinatinabina · 08/05/2022 08:10

Does she see DN as a daughter if she helped raise her? Might be that with the comparisons etc? Anyhoo, just say nope can’t afford it. You have to stick up for yourselves and you have to start somewhere.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 08/05/2022 08:12

You need to sit down with your DH and plan when's good for you as a family, don't be dictated to by your mil at the expense of your family members then not being able to attend.

As mentioned the baptism should be free if you're regular church goers.

For the reception, either hold it at home or hire a church hall, get catering platters in from one of the supermarkets.

ohthejoys · 08/05/2022 08:13

I have to agree with others that your spending on this kind of event is unnecessary! If a baptism as a symbolic religious gesture, is actually important to you as parents then by all means undertake the free religious ceremony. the big party is not required by your god but by your mother in law. as ppl often say on here you need to set boundaries with her! Having a safe comfortable and permanent home for your family will be far more beneficial for your child than a party! If you MIL can’t see that then it time to set more boundaries as she clearly isn’t motivated by the well-being of your child or you!

moving forwards a few years I have teen dd’s who were both christened ( with a tiny tea party in our garden after!) and they are both quite cross that we made the decision for them about their religion. Young people now are brought up to Think that these things are for them to choose not for their parents to decide!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/05/2022 08:24

OnaBegonia · 07/05/2022 23:09

Who on earth invites 100 ppl to a christening?
And £40per head? get a grip!
Invite close family and do a buffet for £100 yourself.

We did. My side of the family is over 50 people so then add DHs side and our close friends and we easily hit 100.

We hired out a room after and did a basic buffet. Did not coat £4k

Time2ChangeName · 08/05/2022 08:29

DemBonesDemBones · 07/05/2022 22:18

What's costing so much money? We've always done a buffet/cake with tea and once bubbles in the church hall after the service.

That’s what I was thinking.

BritishDesiGirl · 08/05/2022 08:32

Your completely missing the point of a baptism ceremony. It doesn't cost 4K and it is ridiculous to spend that much, especially if you are living with parents and should be saving for your own place.

MIL is allowed to help her niece, save for her if she wants to. And it does sound like jealousy and as if you believe you should be entitled to get help. Your MIL sounds as if she is already stressed and doing as much as she can.

AndAsIfByMagic · 08/05/2022 08:32

If you want it soon the just grandparents and godparents attend. It's the service that matters.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/05/2022 08:36

If you can’t afford it don’t do it. It’s it doesn’t suit you, do t do it. And if MIL complains tell her, this is a baptism for your baby, you will have who you want there and on whatever day you want it.

why are you allowing her to dictate everything?

luckylavender · 08/05/2022 08:38

britneyleah · 07/05/2022 22:13

AIBU for thinking it’s a bit wrong of MIL to not even consider helping out?

DP and I just had a baby, 15 week old, we didn't want to baptise until next year but due to religious reasoning (im not going to go into, because i know a lot of people on here aren't religious) we decided it best to baptise DS this year.

i'm not asking, nor expecting help, after all it's our baby, therefore our responsibility; however, MIL has made it clear a couple times she needs to save up money to help her niece out with her child's baptism. she's stressed how she wants to help her niece pay for the event (which i think is nice). AIBU to think she could've just asked if we were ok and set up, if we needed help? obviously unless in desperate measures, we wouldn't want help, again, it's our baby, and was our choice to baptise on short notice (hence everything is a lot harder to organise and a lot more expensive) so it's our responsibility, but wouldn't it have been nice to have her ask if we needed help?

MIL helps out a lot, don't get me wrong, she offers to help with buying milk, nappies and has bought DS so many things, we truly are blessed!

sometimes i feel i'm being selfish for feeling a little upset she didn't ask if we needed help and offers it quite obviously to her niece, for everyone to hear?

AIBU? i'm hoping to hear i'm not selfish, or i am to maybe get me to shake up and get over it!!

So your MIL helps you loads & she's stressed because she's trying to save money to help her niece pay for a christening & you want to stress her out even more? Strange thinking.

Heyisforhorses · 08/05/2022 08:40

DemBonesDemBones · 07/05/2022 22:18

What's costing so much money? We've always done a buffet/cake with tea and once bubbles in the church hall after the service.

Last night I read this thinking you were some oddball who hired a hall to blow bubbles 🤦🏻‍♀️. This morning I realise how tired I was last night 😄😄

AuntieMarys · 08/05/2022 08:40

You are being utterly ridiculous even contemplating spending £4k on a party.

Luculentus · 08/05/2022 08:50

Keep the baptism to your immediate family and godparents, have a do in your front room and cater for it yourself. Spending £4K on a baptism is ridiculous.