To refuse to pretend to be interested in football

[YouWhatLove]

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. We get on really well but due to both having kids and living 70 miles away from each other it’s a relatively casual thing for now, although I think we’d both like to spend more time together once our kids are older.

Anyway, he likes football and I don’t. I have no interest in it, I don’t want to become interested in it and I don’t want to discuss it. I called him earlier and he said he was watching the match at home and I said “no worries, I’ll speak to you later or tomorrow then”. He wanted me to stay on the call so that we could watch the match together. I declined and said I’d rather get on with some other stuff.

He just called me back in a strop because his team drew and started explaining that this was bad, they now had no chance of winning something but there’s another couple of matches that aren’t the team he supports but if they lose by X amount his team might still have a chance. I said that it was a shame and then started talking about him coming over this week and asking what he wanted for dinner. He then got huffy saying that I’m not interested in anything that he does, that he was trying to explain something to me that was really important to him and I clearly wasn’t paying attention. I told him that he knows I don’t like football, I’m sorry he’s feeling sad his team lost but that I’m really not interested in the details. Then he said “what’s the fucking point in this?” and hung up on me.

I’m not calling him back and apologising as I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I’ve never once pretended to be interested in football. He has plenty of mates he can talk to about football, I don’t want to be involved.

Have I done something wrong? I commiserated about his team not winning. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who liked football before and I hadn’t appreciated how all consuming it can be.

It’s not our fault you surround yourself with absolute bores with no self awareness is it?

Football holds a special place in MN sneering.

Not even watch it together in the same place - watch it separately while staying on the phone!

When I watched football with DH I generally commented on the hairstyles and the shite the commentators came out with.

Yeah this isn't true @YouWhatLove . Rugby international matches cost as much as football international matches, and while rugby club matches are slightly cheaper than football club matches the differential is only about £10. I guess that amounts to a fair bit more if you go to every match in a season… but individual match prices are pretty similar.

Where did you get that he expects her to be a football fan? He’s asked her once in two years to watch a match with him.

The sulking would fuck me off more than the football talk. Would be the end for me.

@TruffleShuffles he wanted to talk in detail about a football match (which I'm pretty sure was Liverpool v Spurs) to someone who he knew had no interest in it and then got angry when she politely changed the subject.

He's assuming that she should devote her time to thinking about the football match which he knows she doesn't care about purely because he does. He's implicitly saying "my thoughts, emotions and needs take precedence over yours and if you don't devote your emotional time to this you don't love me".

My boyfriend also watched this match and was disappointed about it. I made all the right noises when it was over and said I hoped it hadn't ruined his evening etc. But there was no fucking way I would want to spend the rest of the evening talking about match tactics and so forth.

I've yet to come across anyone do this with any other sport. Apart from perhaps a professional athlete. It's only ever football: people seem to feel its not enough that they are passionate about it, their entire family needs to be roped in too.

Yes you are totally right here. Merseyside is probably the football capital of the whole of the UK, I actually had no idea that the rest of the country wasn't as football obsessed until I moved away from it. When I speak to American and Canadian tourists they often want to go to Liverpool specifically to see a match. When people ask me where I'm originally from they instantly ask 'red or blue?' and approximately 60% of children in Merseyside at any family attraction are dressed in football kits. This isn't the same everywhere else, and rugby for eg isn't very popular in Merseyside.

Desmond Morris wrote a fabulous book about football supporters many years ago, it was an eye opener for people like me ( and you Op) who really don't give a rats arse about fooball. Basically he talked about this in tribal terms, in terms of how once men protected their village but now they had no outlet for this instinct except sport, primarily football, and how football provoked an intense response, even leading to violence. So basically he's looking for you to rally behind the clan and support Liverpool.

My dp likes motocross (obsessed with motocross). He also likes F1, football and snooker! Luckily he doesn't expect me to be interested as well, but what is it with men and sport?

I refuse to be interested in stuff I’m not interested in he can watch what he likes (except Simpson’s I’ve had 15 years of that crap) sport he can watch but I won’t discuss it rugby horse racing cars racing cricket no he can watch but I don’t discuss.

Its not a hobby or football though, its watching tv.

He's not actually playing football, or even going to a game.

Agreeing with PP, in a nutshell you do not have to be interested in his football club unless he shows equal interest in the novels you read/running club/gardening/bikers group or whatever other interest lights your fire.

Exactly.

Its the asymmetrical nature of it which I find so irritating. If football fans extended the same interest to others’ interests that they demand be applied to football I could live with it. But they never do.

@thing47 fair enough. There aren’t really any “proper” football clubs round here so I always think of football as being mega expensive as you also need to travel halfway across the country/ stay overnight etc rather than drive 15 minutes down the road. But obviously in footbally areas this isn’t the case so it probably does work out similar prices.

@TruffleShuffles I don’t think I’m rude or dismissive about football. I’m just not interested in it. If he was fanatical about Japanese ceramics or submarines I think I’d treat it in a similar manner. I accept it’s someone likes and things about it can make him feel happy or sad, which I can empathise with. But I do not want to learn about it or involve myself in it in any other way.

Did u hear from him again?

Probably better for the OP if she hasn't. If he was upset yesterday afternoon he'll be even more upset now.

Yes Liverpool is football mad. Its like a religion here. The hype is incredible and there are lots of extremely passionate people. I know several people that will be very distressed if they don't win the league. I don't think you can understand the intensity without living here and experiencing it. However, it's not all of Merseyside. St Helens is 20 minutes up the road from Liverpool and begrudgingly in Merseyside. The fact they have a successful rugby team means they are far more interested in rugby!

@Just1moreq he messaged me a couple of hours ago saying that he misses me and can’t wait to see me on Wednesday. I haven’t replied yet. Absolutely no mention of the fact he hung up on me last night or was really shitty with me 🤷‍♀️

Are you going to bring it up? His behaviour seems disproportionate to the situation

Sounds strongly like he lashed out because his team not winning put him in a bad mood, and now he's cooled off he's realised he was being a prick.

Not behaviour I'd be keen to let off the hook as a pattern.

My ex husband was very sporty and used to do triathlons which I actually quite liked

That's quite admirable. Takes a lot of training to succeed. My husband plays golf for fun, apparently. For myself, I've taken up walking and try to do at least a 6 mile walk every other day. When my dh wins his game of golf he doesnt say 'we' did. He did. I don't say 'we' walked 8 miles today, I say I did because it was my own achievement. So when a drunken football crowd chant that 'they' won it's just daft. They didn't do anything at all but sit on the sidelines and watch.

How sad to grab onto others coat tails of glory. And march away chanting that 'you won' when all you did was drink beer and watch.

What I can guarantee though is that this man's love of his team will never fade
Nah. He'll grow up someday.

^I feel so sorry for people who are closed off to it, you are missing out BIG time in all sorts of ways. Abs if you have kids they’ll miss out too*

I've never been to a football match and neither has my husband or any of our children. They're all grown up and married now so could go if they wanted, but they don't. Football is a real bore to most.

Call me picky but I've always found football bores to be slightly below average intelligence...