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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to pretend to be interested in football

172 replies

YouWhatLove · 07/05/2022 21:58

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. We get on really well but due to both having kids and living 70 miles away from each other it’s a relatively casual thing for now, although I think we’d both like to spend more time together once our kids are older.

Anyway, he likes football and I don’t. I have no interest in it, I don’t want to become interested in it and I don’t want to discuss it. I called him earlier and he said he was watching the match at home and I said “no worries, I’ll speak to you later or tomorrow then”. He wanted me to stay on the call so that we could watch the match together. I declined and said I’d rather get on with some other stuff.

He just called me back in a strop because his team drew and started explaining that this was bad, they now had no chance of winning something but there’s another couple of matches that aren’t the team he supports but if they lose by X amount his team might still have a chance. I said that it was a shame and then started talking about him coming over this week and asking what he wanted for dinner. He then got huffy saying that I’m not interested in anything that he does, that he was trying to explain something to me that was really important to him and I clearly wasn’t paying attention. I told him that he knows I don’t like football, I’m sorry he’s feeling sad his team lost but that I’m really not interested in the details. Then he said “what’s the fucking point in this?” and hung up on me.

I’m not calling him back and apologising as I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I’ve never once pretended to be interested in football. He has plenty of mates he can talk to about football, I don’t want to be involved.

Have I done something wrong? I commiserated about his team not winning. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who liked football before and I hadn’t appreciated how all consuming it can be.

OP posts:
Atl · 07/05/2022 23:35

God no. I wouldn't pretend to like football for anyone. I'd possibly express sympathy out of politeness but would be bemused.

I've stopped people (jokingly, but not really) if they try to prattle on about it, I tell them I won't remember anything they've told me as I don't know anything about football.

Original poster
YouWhatLove · 07/05/2022 23:36

@ilovesooty if there’s a match on when we’re together he’ll go to the pub to watch it if he’s at mine or watch it on tv at his while I get on with work. He’s never really chatted to me about it other than to tell me what the score is as he knows I’m not interested. I don’t know why he is suddenly expecting me to pretend to be interested because he thinks this game was more important than others.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 07/05/2022 23:47

YouWhatLove · 07/05/2022 23:36

@ilovesooty if there’s a match on when we’re together he’ll go to the pub to watch it if he’s at mine or watch it on tv at his while I get on with work. He’s never really chatted to me about it other than to tell me what the score is as he knows I’m not interested. I don’t know why he is suddenly expecting me to pretend to be interested because he thinks this game was more important than others.

Thanks - that makes sense. I think given that you have a total lack of interest it might have been better to have insisted on ending the phone call when he said he was watching the match. In future it might even be helpful to check the match schedule and not call during the match since you don't want to be involved with it in any way.

SmileyClare · 07/05/2022 23:47

It's difficult to judge an argument when it's written down second hand. All nuance and tone is lost.

I would suggest that this relationship isn't going to have legs, unless you're prepared to accept a 70 mile round trip a couple of times a month to shag someone you don't have much respect for. Neither of you is prepared to relocate, you both have strong ties to your area.

It might be best to try online dating again but restrict your search to a 10 mile radius.Smile

ilovesooty · 07/05/2022 23:49

Oh and it might be a good idea if he doesn't answer the phone to you while the match is on. He will have to accept that you aren't interested.

SeedyBloomer · 07/05/2022 23:54

This might sound like I’m implying you don’t know your own mind but please hear me out! Have you ever given it a proper try? Watching the full 90 with someone who explains things as they happen? Then getting to know the rules and players?

At 30, I had zero interest in football. My ex was MAD about it and tried to get me to watch it for six years but my mind was made up that I wouldn’t like it. So many women think football is boring because nobody ever bothered to teach us to play as kids or talk to us about it, whereas boys always gathered at break to play it and men in offices and pubs chat about it. Women just get excluded. So if you have no investment in it or clue what tonight’s game meant, then obviously you wouldn’t care.

My husband took me to a game well over a decade ago and I loved it. I’m absolutely in love with the sport now. I watch pretty much every game. I’m so glad I gave it a chance - there’s a reason millions of people follow teams and feel so emotive about it. I am about to take our DD to her first game - she’s been brought up watching it at home and loves it too. We have loads to talk about at home as we all enjoy it.

I just wonder if you did give it a go whether you could be hooked later in life like me! It’s bloody brilliant.

SmileyClare · 07/05/2022 23:57

Just realised it's not a 70 mile round trip but 140 mile round trip! God is it worth it?

Especially if when you arrange childcare and spend hours travelling to get there, he goes off to watch the footie in the pub.

Kite22 · 08/05/2022 00:02

I think it's not so much the football, he told you he was upset about something and you dismissed it because it's not important to you. If you were upset about something that was irrelevant to him would he have done the same?

This ^

I've listened to people, and even asked people about all sorts of things I never had a prior interest in, when I know it is important to them. Doesn't mean you have to become a fan of that hobby, but if you know a little about it, then you might have a bit more empathy. If you can't spend 3 or 4 mins just being a listening ear when someone you care about is upset about something, however irrational you think it is, then I can't really see this relationship going anywhere.

I'm not really interested in the politics of dh's work, but sometimes he wants to get it off his chest. Part of being close to someone is being willing to listen when they want to talk.

Ratrick · 08/05/2022 00:02

YouWhatLove · 07/05/2022 23:12

He’s a Liverpool fan. I didn’t dismiss his upset, I said it was a shame and suggested he have a glass of wine or get a takeaway and asked him what he wanted me to cook for him when he comes over in the week in an attempt to get his mind off it. But then he started going on about how this match might mean X if Y team loses by Z amount and I smiled and nodded for a bit but didn’t join in or add anything to the conversation. Partly because I don’t know how the league works and have no intention of learning and partly because I am simply uninterested. I expressed empathy for him feeling down I just don’t want to have a conversation about football.

You could learn how the league works in about 30 seconds, let’s try:

There are 20 teams in the Premier League.

Each team plays each other twice.

For every win you get 3 points.

For every draw you get 1 point.

The team with the most points at the end of the season wins.

If two teams have equal points, then goal difference (all the goals a team has scored in the season- all the goals they have conceded) is the tie breaker.

There are other competitions (The Champions League, FA Cup and League Cup) that are also played every season. Liverpool have a shot at being the first team in history to win all 4 in a season, but it is looking increasingly unlikely that they will win the Premier League.

EwwSprouts · 08/05/2022 00:12

YANBU You listened and sympathised. The thing with football is you will have a permutation of this conversation every single losing match. DH is a fan and I find it a weirdly negative hobby. The ref is always wrong, the other side has some unfair advantage, the manager has made a poor choice... I have no interest and tune out which is probably how we are still married.

RobertaFirmino · 08/05/2022 00:22

Liverpool supporter here. At the moment, we have a chance (admittedly very slim!) to win the quadruple (four major trophies). This has never been done in English football. This season could be historical for us and it is likely we currently have the greatest Liverpool side that ever existed.

We've already won one cup. The quest for the Premiership isn't actually over and is unlikely to be until the last minute. We also have two cup finals in the next month. We might win them both, we might lose. It's such a tense time right now (but that's no excuse for taking it out on others!)

What I can guarantee though is that this man's love of his team will never fade. This sounds as cheesy and pretentious as fuck but it's more than just football to us. It's everything. You won't be able to change him. Can you put up with it? If you can't then it might be time to reconsider.

Original poster
YouWhatLove · 08/05/2022 00:27

@ratrick I could also learn the major exports of Central American countries if I wanted to. I don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouWhatLove · 08/05/2022 00:30

@RobertaFirmino i don’t expect his love of football to fade. I’m perfectly happy for him to go to matches/ the pub to watch games, it makes no difference to me and it’s nice that he has a hobby. I just don’t want to be involved in it.

We have loads of other stuff in common and particularly enjoy a lot of long walks and planning and going on hiking holidays. We have a similar outlook in terms of politics etc and it’s nice to be in a relationship with someone who knows that my kids will always be a priority and isn’t pressuring me to move in together or get married. It’s just the football that I don’t want to be a part of.

OP posts:
Haircliphell · 08/05/2022 00:31

I'll give you the heads up OP, if you do manage to fix this with him this weekend, you're going to have a bigger issue next weekend and the last Saturday in May.

Regardless, you can't be arsed listening to him droaning on about something you don't like, he says it's important to him and you've hurt his feelings. You see each other a few times a month. It doesn't sound like you actually spend enough time together to have things in common or be willing to invest more than a superficial interest in each other's lives.

IrishMama2015 · 08/05/2022 00:32

YANBU. Married to a sports fanatic. I despise all sports. I would rather watch paint dry. He knows that. I am happy when he is happy that they win something big but that's it. If he tried to tell me the details I would keel over with boredom. He is being childish and immature

Pugfostermum · 08/05/2022 00:36

I had a BF years ago who was a football fan. Played and watched.

It was so infantile, dull and all consuming, that my criteria for future partners was to have little/no interest in sport, other than playing maybe a racket sport (or something equally non ‘beer and being a twat’ related) themselves. It’s served me well!

TeaBug · 08/05/2022 00:40

I could also learn the major exports of Central American countries if I wanted to. I don’t

Might be slightly more interesting though.

TheMoth · 08/05/2022 00:44

I'm not sure I could go out with an avid football fan. They're just so boring; unless you also like football. I went for a music fan, which is probably just as boring if you're not into music.

I do find that lots of male football fans are very limited in their conversion though.

latetothefisting · 08/05/2022 00:48

TeaBug · 07/05/2022 22:22

I think it's not so much the football, he told you he was upset about something and you dismissed it because it's not important to you

OP said it was a shame so didn't dismiss.What more can op do? Two minutes silence?

Exactly this. Its a sport, the fact that some people take it ridiculously seriously to the point where a win/lose effects their own emotions isn't OPs fault.

I'm sure if her dp had said he was sad about something actually happening in his own real life, like a family member being ill or whatever she would have been sympathetic, but it's the equivalent of her saying she was sad because someone had split up on Corrie or a character in the book she was reading had died and expecting him to have a long sympathetic chat about it despite the fact he doesnt watch the show/know who any of the characters are. There's only so much you can say if you don't really care!!!

TheMoth · 08/05/2022 00:50

I also find it weird how not being into football makes you a pariah.ds isn't into football cos we aren't. He's articulate, funny, has an impressive grasp of profanity and has a wide range of interests. But since starting high school, the other kids don't include him cos he neither plays or talks about football. The other yr7s aren't really interested in Stephen King or George Orwell.

Hawkins001 · 08/05/2022 00:51

YouWhatLove · 07/05/2022 21:58

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. We get on really well but due to both having kids and living 70 miles away from each other it’s a relatively casual thing for now, although I think we’d both like to spend more time together once our kids are older.

Anyway, he likes football and I don’t. I have no interest in it, I don’t want to become interested in it and I don’t want to discuss it. I called him earlier and he said he was watching the match at home and I said “no worries, I’ll speak to you later or tomorrow then”. He wanted me to stay on the call so that we could watch the match together. I declined and said I’d rather get on with some other stuff.

He just called me back in a strop because his team drew and started explaining that this was bad, they now had no chance of winning something but there’s another couple of matches that aren’t the team he supports but if they lose by X amount his team might still have a chance. I said that it was a shame and then started talking about him coming over this week and asking what he wanted for dinner. He then got huffy saying that I’m not interested in anything that he does, that he was trying to explain something to me that was really important to him and I clearly wasn’t paying attention. I told him that he knows I don’t like football, I’m sorry he’s feeling sad his team lost but that I’m really not interested in the details. Then he said “what’s the fucking point in this?” and hung up on me.

I’m not calling him back and apologising as I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I’ve never once pretended to be interested in football. He has plenty of mates he can talk to about football, I don’t want to be involved.

Have I done something wrong? I commiserated about his team not winning. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who liked football before and I hadn’t appreciated how all consuming it can be.

Sounds like his main passion is the football ⚽, and seems unlikely your a match, as it appears he will want to talk lengthy analysis of football and the team.

WeasilyPleased · 08/05/2022 00:52

I'm the football fan in our relationship, he's a rugby nut.
I talk all things football with my brother and my dh will watch England matches as will I with rugby. I thought I hated rugby. I don't. He thought he hated football but he doesn't and he's very good when I'm shouting abuse at the TV!

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 08/05/2022 00:53

I love football and I would find it very difficult if my husband wasn't interested as it is so important to me. I honestly think it would be a deal breaker.

TeaBug · 08/05/2022 00:56

I had a BF years ago who was a football fan. Played and watched

Just came to me that I've never had a football fan boyfriend, married twice and neither husband watches football either. None of my friends, family, or workmates watch football. Not my junior in-laws or my senior in-laws. I'd be hard pressed to name anyone I know who has an interest in football.

I wonder how unusual that is.

JennyJumpup · 08/05/2022 01:00

See how he responds when you have a long drawn-out rant about the recent plot of Eastenders/Corontation St/Dallas/whatever and then accuse him of the same.