To refuse to pretend to be interested in football

[YouWhatLove]

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. We get on really well but due to both having kids and living 70 miles away from each other it’s a relatively casual thing for now, although I think we’d both like to spend more time together once our kids are older.

Anyway, he likes football and I don’t. I have no interest in it, I don’t want to become interested in it and I don’t want to discuss it. I called him earlier and he said he was watching the match at home and I said “no worries, I’ll speak to you later or tomorrow then”. He wanted me to stay on the call so that we could watch the match together. I declined and said I’d rather get on with some other stuff.

He just called me back in a strop because his team drew and started explaining that this was bad, they now had no chance of winning something but there’s another couple of matches that aren’t the team he supports but if they lose by X amount his team might still have a chance. I said that it was a shame and then started talking about him coming over this week and asking what he wanted for dinner. He then got huffy saying that I’m not interested in anything that he does, that he was trying to explain something to me that was really important to him and I clearly wasn’t paying attention. I told him that he knows I don’t like football, I’m sorry he’s feeling sad his team lost but that I’m really not interested in the details. Then he said “what’s the fucking point in this?” and hung up on me.

I’m not calling him back and apologising as I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I’ve never once pretended to be interested in football. He has plenty of mates he can talk to about football, I don’t want to be involved.

Have I done something wrong? I commiserated about his team not winning. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who liked football before and I hadn’t appreciated how all consuming it can be.

I’m a massive football fan. His behaviour is pathetic.

Every bloke I’ve ever been with has loved football. None of them have ever bothered to ramble on about it to me though, because they accept that I’m just not interested. Your fella sounds like a pushy, sulky dickhead. Get rid.

@MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler

You're right that football is a massive social advantage because its everywhere. But that is exactly what some of us resent.

There's no other area of life or interest which is so exclusive to people who don't have an interest. No one is told to feign an interest in geology or butterfly watching or heavy metal to get ahead in society.

But some of us genuinely aren't interested. We don't hate it, we just resent the fact that we re expected to have to pretend to be interested in something just to make those who are feel more comfortable about it.

Well course you don’t have to pretend. I don’t mention it at all to my friends who aren’t interested. But yes, it is definitely huge social capital - and for young children in particular I believe It’s beneficial for all sorts of other reasons too - and that won’t change.

OP, if you are glad this keeps people out of your way sounds like you are better off breaking up with him.

@MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler where I live it’s all very much rugby that the kids are into. It has all the benefits of football without the insane ticket prices and all the school kids chat about that rather than football. I think it’s only certain areas of the UK that are fully football obsessed, it’s certainly not a national thing.

it would have been polite to feign interest in something that obviously matters to him (no matter how boring it may be) - or at least vaguely listen and make the right noises. You'd like him to listen when your unloading about some perceived disaster/excitement/whatever in your life - it should work both ways.

@MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler

But we do have to pretend. This is exactly why the boyfriend is sulking

But you might be interested if he actually did football - I think most of us in a relationship should sum up enough interest to go and support our OH playing in an actual match once in a while. But supporting someone sitting on their backside watching the tv? He's ridiculous. Who on earth would want to do that? Sounds like not even his own mates!

I totally empathise, @YouWhatLove and I’m eternally grateful that my Dh isn’t obsessed with a sport, although he’s suddenly into MotoGP. I wouldn’t want to talk about it either, but I think I’d be a bit more tolerant than you were. It’s important to him, not to you, but you might need to think about this relationship if it’s going to come between you.

It's essentially the same thing as wanting a debrief on a drama you're watching that you know the other person isn't interested in, after every episode, and being pissed off when they don't engage much. People don't do that.

Would just like to point out there is a £10 difference in the price my husband paid at Anfield this season and a ticket to go and watch Bath play rugby at the Rec.

Do you think he has a responsibility to not offload about his football-related woes to you? If so, I think you need to make this clear to him at a time when his team have not just suffered a loss. When someone is mid-flow and upset about something, it's harsh to remind them there and then that you are not interested in it. (Yes, even if he already knows.) You wrote that "I don’t know why he is suddenly expecting me to pretend to be interested because he thinks this game was more important than others" but I think your answer is in the sentence -- it's a higher-stakes emotional situation than usual and he is looking for an outlet.

Are you worried that when you do spend more time together this is going to become a bigger problem between you? (e.g. that he will prioritise football over you)

You wrote that "I don’t know why he is suddenly expecting me to pretend to be interested because he thinks this game was more important than others" but I think your answer is in the sentence -- it's a higher-stakes emotional situation than usual and he is looking for an outlet.

I agree - it is telling that you wrote "he thinks" it was a more important match. It's not a matter of opinion at the moment. Winning all 4 available competitions has never been done and in honesty it'll probably not be on the table again in his lifetime. That's why he was upset and I think you were just literally the first person he wanted to speak to when upset about something.

OP did listen and she told him it was shame that his team only drew. Is that not making the right noises? She absolutely should NOT pretend to be interested in something she isn’t, or he’d be forcing her to stay on the phone and watch every bloody game with her!

Both my first boyfriends were football nuts , not a chance I'd have married a man who was obsessed like they were . I'd feel the same as you tbh , I don't mind the game but the way people get so upset and violent about it is ridiculous!

You sound quite selfish, most of us are able to show some interest in the sport or hobby followed by our spouses. DH has no interest in football, I quite like it (prefer rugby) there's a strange snobbishness on here about watching the most popular sport in the country, too working class for you OP? Likewise I enjoy restoring furniture and reading, DH enjoys painting tiny models and D&D we can both have a conversation with the other allowing the person to share their passion and enjoyment.

I think football is too "working class" for 95% of Mumsnet. I still have friends who are banging on about Lewis Hamilton being robbed last F1 championship. Are they driving the cars? Nope. Are F1 fans ever called the names football fans are called on here? Also nope.

The same way I have to listen to people banging on about F1, Golf, running, cycling, cats, The Masked Singer, Starwars, Eastenders, All Inclusive holidays, Pandora, cars etc I suppose

How often do you talk at length about those hobbies, and expect more than a "that's a shame" type response? This sort of comment really ignores the volume of conversations and interest expected from people like OP's partner about football.

People keep comparing it to their hobbies or people "banging on about Eastenders" etc but I have never once experienced someone expecting someone they knew didn't do or watch those things to stay on the phone with them throughout so they can "watch it together", for example. And if they did, I would think it was equally bizarre.

It's not about it being football or about football being working class. It's about how much is expexted of others from football fans like OP's partner.

Exactly. Showing interest when people close to you are talking about things is what friends do, let alone partners.

Those suggesting your relationship is doomed are unreasonable. I'd let him vent for 5 minutes on a bad result but that should be it.

No-one is saying the relationship probably isn't up to much because one likes football and the other doesn't. People are saying it seems that it isn't very caring to not be able to spend a few minutes listening to someone you purportedly care about when they want to explain something to you.

My dh isn't interested in football, however, he knows I am, so pretends to show an interest when I get in from a match. Like the OP's dp, I'm not expecting him to watch it with me, but it is nice that he acknowledges I care about it. Oddly enough, I spent 5 mins telling him about the game I'd watched this morning at lunchtime, because I'd got in and was a bit wound up about it.. He nodded and "really?" 'd in a couple of places and then we carried on with our lives. Later this evening, one of my adult dc will get back from their game (different sport) and I will ask a few things about the game because I want to show an interest in their life, not because I am in any way interested in that sport. It's what you do when people are important to you.

Knitting has a long and proud history here in Britain. I am sure he would love you to monologue for hours about Aran sweaters and Fair Isle and the many different types of yarn you can buy and what their properties are and why you prefer the type of yarn you prefer and how nice your local yarn shop is and someone has just shown you some photos of Norwegian knitting patterns and that sure is interesting too and did he knew that the Viking type of knitting was called "needle binding" and there sure a lot of good Viking knitting patterns and there is this really interesting book about it and.... and .. and. You catch😊 my drift.

Just wondering if the majority of people on this thread are as rude and dismissive about other peoples hobbies and interests in real life or if it’s just for show on an anonymous forum?

Like the OP's dp, I'm not expecting him to watch it with me, but it is nice that he acknowledges I care about it.

OPs DP literally did expect them to watch it together. That was the first step of what he wanted from OP regarding that match.

Watching sport isn't a hobby anymore than watching TV dramas is, it isn't the same as playing the sport yourself. And it isn't dismissive to not expect to give much more than an "oh really? That's a shame" about something someone else is watching but you aren't.

I watch loads of dramas but would never expect this from anyone.

Most people aren’t being dismissive of the hobby itself. They are being dismissive of the fact the boyfriend expects the OP to basically become a football fan with him.

This is what marks football out from other hobbies. You rarely see people get the hump because their partner refuses to bone up extensively on white water rafting or cribbage or tennis. It’s football specifically. A lot of men (and it is mainly men) think their partner has not only to become football literate but to develop the same level of emotional connection as they do. That’s why so many of us react as we do.

I am perfectly happy to sit through football matches and respond politely to nuggets of football intel but I draw the line at having to shed crocodile tears because my boyfriends’ team has lost a tournament. It’s an unreasonable expectation that I should.