To refuse to pretend to be interested in football

[YouWhatLove]

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. We get on really well but due to both having kids and living 70 miles away from each other it’s a relatively casual thing for now, although I think we’d both like to spend more time together once our kids are older.

Anyway, he likes football and I don’t. I have no interest in it, I don’t want to become interested in it and I don’t want to discuss it. I called him earlier and he said he was watching the match at home and I said “no worries, I’ll speak to you later or tomorrow then”. He wanted me to stay on the call so that we could watch the match together. I declined and said I’d rather get on with some other stuff.

He just called me back in a strop because his team drew and started explaining that this was bad, they now had no chance of winning something but there’s another couple of matches that aren’t the team he supports but if they lose by X amount his team might still have a chance. I said that it was a shame and then started talking about him coming over this week and asking what he wanted for dinner. He then got huffy saying that I’m not interested in anything that he does, that he was trying to explain something to me that was really important to him and I clearly wasn’t paying attention. I told him that he knows I don’t like football, I’m sorry he’s feeling sad his team lost but that I’m really not interested in the details. Then he said “what’s the fucking point in this?” and hung up on me.

I’m not calling him back and apologising as I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I’ve never once pretended to be interested in football. He has plenty of mates he can talk to about football, I don’t want to be involved.

Have I done something wrong? I commiserated about his team not winning. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who liked football before and I hadn’t appreciated how all consuming it can be.

You did nothing wrong.

he is an over dramatic bore who wants his obsession to dominate everything and is pissed off when you don’t bow to his wishes.

he owes you a big apology and he needs to grow up.

I’ve been forty years with a football fan (sufc so painful at times) he knows I have no interest in it, bar the “oh what a shame” comments that’s it. He manages not to be mortally wounded by it.

Extraonion, I'm sorry but accompanying your dh on a bird watching trip is completely different, you're at least getting a walk out of it, what would a non football fan get out of watching football? A nice rest on the sofa?!

Agree with this. A nice walk with no shrieking commentator reiterating what a tragedy everything is 🙄

I could not be in a relationship with a diehard football fan, having not grown up in the UK I find the British obession with football OTT, its sickening at time so in that regard I agree with you.

I do think though you need to take some interest in your DP's interests but that is my opinion, I dont think our marriage would survive if we totally ignored each other interests. DH is a casual fan of one team and I dont mind sport so will tune in with him if I am free and go to the odd live match, however he doesnt bang on about it for days, and money isnt spent on season passes or away games etc. Likewise DH isnt mad on the tennis but he will come to Wimbledon with me once a year and will watch the grand slam finals on the TV, but I dont give him run downs on the number aces served etc or make him watch every match I watch .

It really is a question if you want to commit to this relationship if he wants you to be intersted in football and you have no interest?

You were sympathetic but you don't have to pretend to like it or try to underatand it. He needs to find some mates to talk to about football. Some women love football and are interested in it. I am not one of them. I have often thought sonlme of my friends pretended to like it when we were young to impress their boyfriends, also not for me. My husband really enjoys football but it didn't bother him that I didn't. I love knitting and crochet and I haven't tried to make him learn how to do that. We do have lots of other interests which are shared. Besides, now we have children who will watch it with him...while I escape to read a book or crochet something. Tell your oh he needs to grow up.

You don't need to force yourself to like anything. There are plenty of men who don't care for the game either.

I did debate before I posted but she said they could have won something… so I took a gamble.

@AndNobbyDancing sorry was replying in the last post not got the quote thing cracked yet

YANBU, you asked to stop after pleasantries and he wouldn't shut up. DP and I have shared interests but we also have separate hobbies and respect and support each other. We've dipped toes into each others hobbies and enjoyed but we also try to balance listening and engaging up to a certain point with not bombarding each other. Your partner hasn't done this.

Not surprised it's footy, either. I won't date football fans anymore (amongst a couple of other sports/hobbies too) because it's really not for me and I find it really all engulfing compared to how people are with other sports. Certainly more people seem to be this way about football vs other activities. I do know people who aren't like that- my lovely ex was good about this- but now I never seem to find them to date. I care that people I care about have a good, safe time at matches and I'm always pleased when teams they support win, but beyond listening to the jaunty match of the day theme, I'm off the second it appears on tv!

@teabug I’ve never had a boyfriend who was interested in football before either. My ex husband was very sporty and used to do triathlons which I actually quite liked as they were always in a random city/ park and I could bugger off and do some exploring d then turn up at the finish line and congratulate him. Tbh even if he had tried to talk to me about it I would’ve probably been a bit more engaged - talking about a new running/ riding route is at least good to look at on a map. It would’ve been actually him doing it rather than hypothetically talking about what he would’ve told a bunch of 20yo’s he’s never met if he was a manager.

YANBU. He's a grown man and should be able to understand that he has in interest you don't. He was really rude about it, if anyone should be apologising it's him.

Hear hear!

I'm not a football fan but live with one. He talks about football with other fans and it's like a different language. Half the time I can't work out what they are on about, even though I've absorbed a lot of football knowledge over the years.
I don't think OP has done anything wrong here. Unless you can do football talk what can you say other than what you did say?

I find it really odd how football fans here are explaining football as if those of us who are not interested need to know. If I had a football partner (never again) should I expect him to learn about my hobbies eg the stitches of crochet and the main names in the online crochet pattern world or the names and history of my favourite bands?

Mine puts up with my football/darts/snooker obsession and will watch at it with me. He also taught himself to knit and crochet so we can watch sport and make things together 😂

That's a bit unnecessary. Why is it OK to sneer at someone explaining their interest in the context of the thread?

Agree. And frankly, I would much rather go on a lovely nature walk, trying to spot different types of wildlife and birds, and mooching around the meres and ponds and pools and woodlands, than spend an hour and a half of my life watching a football match.

When England get as far as the quarter finals in the World Cup or Euro Cup, then I am interested to see if they can win (and hope they do!) But even then, I will only watch the last half hour of it. CBA to sit through it all. It's BORING. The only 'exciting' bits are when they score a goal, and if they start fighting with a member of the opposite team/try to kick each other over and trip each other up etc...

97% of a football match is snoozeworthy drivel IMO. I have tried - a number of times - to watch a football match, and it just sends me...... 😫 🥱😴 😴😴

@RaininSummer

I find it really odd how football fans here are explaining football as if those of us who are not interested need to know.

Me too. IDGAF about it, and don't want or need anyone explaining, not only all about football and its ins and outs, but also all the reasons why I should get into it, and should love it.

Reminds me of someone I know who is obsessed with a certain TV show, and they talk about it every time you meet them. They go through all the storylines and characters, and the history of the show, and they show you their latest collectible on it. They assume everyone wants to hear about it, and cannot fathom for a fleeting second why everyone else doesn't give a shit about it, and is struggling to stifle their yawns.

They bring it into every conversation, even if the conversation had NOTHING to do with this show, or the particular genre. In fact, you don't even have to be talking about anything on TV, they will STILL bring this TV show into the conversation. People actually laugh at them, and mock and rib them for doing this, but they still drone on about it, on and on and on............ even though no-one gives a fuck about it.

He still hasn’t contacted me after hanging up on me last night. He’s clearly in a proper strop about it 🙄

I really struggle with this OP. My OH is also an avid football supporter and I am not interested.

I don’t dislike the game itself, in fact I quite enjoy it sometimes. What I really hate is the all encompassing quality of it. The way it becomes elevated in people’s minds to the most important thing in life.

My boyfriend (who in most other ways I adore) has this habit of classifying people according to their football allegiance. So x is “the Chelsea fan” as opposed to “the person who lives in this place and does this job and has these interests”. And I am constantly being asked to relay football stats to my friends for sharing with their partners. None of my friends are interested in football really and they would find it really bizarre if I started spouting off about how Everton was doing this season or my views on Juergen Klopp.

And this “we” thing as well. I do understand a lot of people are very emotionally invested but I think it’s childish to pretend that a man in his 40s who has never even met any of the participants has real skin in the game because he watches the matches on TV.

I don’t have any intrinsic problem with people being passionate about football and in a limited way I am quite prepared to indulge it. But I really resent the way it is seen as being more important than politics or the arts or other ways people might seek to define themselves.

I have had similar situations to the one you are describing and have been prepared to make sympathetic noises but also made clear that I am not going to start following this and doing homework on it. I think you have to find a middle ground between not being disparaging about someone’s hobby while also making clear you have pretty firm boundaries on the extent to which you will devote headspace to it.

I’m not sure that I have always succeeded tbh.

@ilovesooty sorry I was joking. But if you read the ops post she states she does not want it to be explained.

It might sound like an off-the-wall suggestion given that you seem resolute in your lack of interest in his interest, but have you ever been to a live match? I am not interested in the discussion or dissection of football but a live match is quite different, a bit like theatre. It might be a way for you to show interest in his hobby which I get the sense he might appreciate.

I couldn’t be in a LTR with someone who didn’t care about football . I think you’ve been incredibly rude and a lot of the posts on this thread are ridiculous.

I feel so sorry for people who are closed off to it, you are missing out BIG time in all sorts of ways. Abs if you have kids they’ll miss out too; you can against it all you want but the truth is that football playing / understanding kids have an easy way into so many social situations and learning opportunities. I feel really sorry for the kids of parents who are all snotty about it

Oh for god's sake. She wasn't "against" it, she just wasn't interested in it. There are probably loads of things OP is interested in that you aren't, that she could feel sorry for you for not being interested in, but that would be incredibly arrogant of her, especially if she went as far as to think you were "incredibly rude" for not bowing down to HER feeling that her hobby is inherently superior.

@erinaceus yes, my brother used to play for our local club which is in the national league. I have zero interest in it, as I’ve repeatedly said. I don’t want to show interest in a joint that I have no interest in. I have an incredibly full life, I fully appreciate the small amount of free time I do have and I’m old enough and confident enough to be comfortable in my choices. I will always support him and if he’s feeling down try and cheer him up. That support doesn’t extend to feigning interest in football though and until now he seems to have understood that.

@MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler i feel that exact way about people who do care about football. There are so many wonderful things to do, see and learn about in this world and we have so little time to do it. If some people want to spend that time and a lot of money watching rich men they will never meet and who have no interest in them running around on a piece of grass then good on them. It keeps them out of my way.