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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hand me downs - I feel so ungrateful

104 replies

Starbeach · 07/05/2022 19:26

Firstly you have to understand we took along time to get pregnant and this is likely to be our only child as not sure we can afford anymore fertility treatment.

But the reason I feel so ungrateful is we are having a girl and so many people are giving us stuff but for starters its from their boys. I know babies are expensive and Im happy to have certain things given to us sterilisers etc but some stuff I just want to choose myself for our little girl and not have what is given to us as we are unlikely to go through this again and its not like we cant afford to buy things even if some of it is second hand at least we have the choice of what stuff we want to buy. Added to this is that some of the stuff that has been given to us is dirty and the stuff friends and family cant seem to shift so they are now just dumping it on us. We are yet to be given anything I actually like or feel comfortable giving to our DD.

There is only so much I can say my mum has bought us just as an excuse. I dont know how to say sorry we cant take it but I dont want to be lumbered with all this stuff we have to get rid of

OP posts:
ZenKaleidoscope · 07/05/2022 19:28

From now on just be honest with people. Just say no thanks we've got stuff sorted. I think people just want to shift the stuff so will just move on to their next friend who's due a baby I doubt they would be offended and if they are that's their issue not yours.

MissAmbrosia · 07/05/2022 19:30

People hand things over as they want to be helpful and also can't be bothered to go to the charity shop. I would keep clean, useful items like babygros and ask them if they want anything back. Otherwise bin it. And if people offer, just say, "no, we're sorted thanks".

underneathleaf · 07/05/2022 19:30

People definitely just pass on stuff to get it out their house. Just say you've got enough.

Buzzer3555 · 07/05/2022 19:30

I couldn't believe the scruffy crap some people passed on to me. I just smiled, said thanks and took it to the clothes recycling

legoouch · 07/05/2022 19:30

‘That’s really kind of you but no thanks’

’oh so kind of you to think of us but I’ve already got plenty’

’really, NO’

practise!!!

yanbu at all - it used to irritate me that I ended up doing other people’s charity shop runs when they passed stuff onto me!

if it gets to the point where you have to be really firm with people and they’re getting offended, that’s their issue, not yours. They should have listened to you the first time!

NotYourOscarSpeech · 07/05/2022 19:31

Just donate what you don’t want to charity. You’ve made this a bigger deal than it is. For what it’s worth, I'm currently pregnant with DD and she’ll be having the vast majority of DS’s clothes for at least a year, sleep suits, vests, leggings etc all unisex.

MarJau26 · 07/05/2022 19:32

Do they know you are having a girl and still passing over boy items? If that's the case then it's clear that they are dumping their stuff on you.

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 07/05/2022 19:33

People just think they're being helpful.

Tell them the stuff isn't good enough for you that you've already got everything you need.

You said you can afford to buy stuff yourself so I don't know what you're complaining about. Buy things you like.

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 19:34

You need to say sorry we have enough now and be strict. And then pop stuff in recycling and buy what you want for your daughter. I'd probably keep some of it as it's always handy to have a few things you don't mind getting puked on if they get a tummy bug.

NerrSnerr · 07/05/2022 19:34

MarJau26 · 07/05/2022 19:32

Do they know you are having a girl and still passing over boy items? If that's the case then it's clear that they are dumping their stuff on you.

Not necessarily. Depends on the person. We had friends give us things from their boys for our eldest who is a girl just because they knew we'd appreciate not having to buy loads of stuff and it doesn't matter if a 3 month old is in a blue sleep suit because she didn't know any different.

GrumpyPanda · 07/05/2022 19:34

MarJau26 · 07/05/2022 19:32

Do they know you are having a girl and still passing over boy items? If that's the case then it's clear that they are dumping their stuff on you.

They're also blatantly disregarding the dangers. OP might wake up one day and find her DD has grown a penis from wearing blue all day.

allalila · 07/05/2022 19:34

I hear you OP!!! (And congratulations! Flowers )
We were given lots of stuff and I was very grateful but in the end realised that lots of people are just glad to have somewhere to dump their old stuff!
Also, people always seem to say on here for example how babies don't need much, they got everything second-hand etc... Made me feel guilty for wanting to buy cute new clothes...
If I had my time again, I would unapologetically splash out on cute outfits and buy nice new clean things that I like. It's such a privilege to me that baby clothes, toys etc are something that I do get to spend my money on- I absolutely relish it, and for the environmental aspect, well you can always pass your things on to someone else or sell to someone who really wants them.
Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or ungrateful OP- you are not being unreasonable at all!

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2022 19:35

Just say you have enough thanks I mean things like vests and babygros are handy but it's OK to not want hand-me-downs, tbh some just want it out their house!

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 19:35

Absolutely 100% buy the cute outfits and take photos. The time goes so fast x

RobynNora · 07/05/2022 19:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable if clothing is stained/torn etc.

But wanting 'girl clothes' I think is unreasonable. Clothes are not gendered and babies have no preference. If I see a baby in loads of pastels and 'girl clothes' I feel like the parent is going to gender stereotype her for the rest of her life in a way that means she'll never be good at STEM subjects. Sort of joking but not really. I can highly recommend the book 'parenting beyond pink and blue'. It changed my outlook a lot.

Original poster
Starbeach · 07/05/2022 19:44

thank you all! Im not bothered about her being in blue baby grows to sleep in (or of her growning a penis!) its just the fact that they know we are having a girl and being given all the stuff that is for a boy none of it is unisex and she is being brought up in a environment where jeans, hoodies and overalls are going to be the norm anyway due to our way of life so Id like her to be a bit pink and girly when she is younger.

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 07/05/2022 19:49

Hi OP - you can say no. But equally it’s not an either/or. You can keep the stuff you think is usable, clothes recycle the rest and buy your own taste in clothes.

MissusMaisel · 07/05/2022 19:51

MarJau26 · 07/05/2022 19:32

Do they know you are having a girl and still passing over boy items? If that's the case then it's clear that they are dumping their stuff on you.

Or they think the idea of gendered baby clothes is insane and wasteful and though=t maybe you'd be intelligent enough to think the same.

Crispyturtle · 07/05/2022 19:55

My SIL turned up when I was 5 days postpartum following a particularly brutal caesarean with SIX bin bags full of baby clothes she’d clearly just pulled out of her loft that morning. There were cobwebs on the bags and the clothes smelled musty, half the clothes were stained and unuseable, the rest were insipid pink girly-girly stuff I would never have picked myself. She clearly just saw an opportunity to get rid of a load of tat and took it. DD is seven this year and I’m still fucked off about it 😂

NamechangeFML · 07/05/2022 20:00

this happened to me. Some stuff i used, some i didnt. Some was clearly a Dump.
i didnt use one piece of second hand clothing.
Just donate it.
What ive now realised about some of the clothes is that they are sentimental or precious to the parent , and theyd gift them to you to use
i now am part of a swap shop as a lot of baby stuff is never used. For eg: swaddles V love2dream V grobags. If you bought and tried each of these to see which one your baby liked-youd be £100 right away.

Perpop · 07/05/2022 20:03

Literally ‘no thanks, we’ve enough already and not enough storage!’. Repeat until they stop offering. I’ve had people bring bags to my house and I’ve literally said thanks so much but it would be used better at the charity shop and given them it back! It’s the truth, would be wasted here and much better going to helpful use than clog up my spare room!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/05/2022 20:08

If its clean and usuable, pass on to your local Sally Army.

neatlittlerows · 07/05/2022 20:10

Literally just say no or learn to figure out who is being helpful and who is using you as a charity shop proxy.

Crunchymum · 07/05/2022 20:15

I'm not anti hand me downs at all. But they should be of benefit to the receiver.

My SIL turned up with several binbags full of stuff the day after we found out DC2 was a girl.

On top of the fact we had no space, she also asked me to "keep hold" of all her bits incase they had another DD.

She took the bags back with her when she left. Like fuck was I going to keep tabs on specific hand me downs and keep hold of them until SIL maybe had another DD!

MarvellousMay · 07/05/2022 20:17

Fabric recycle the dirty stuff why someone has passed on dirty items I don’t know.
Charity shop the bits you don’t want. Don’t feel bad for wanting the best for your child.

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