Hand me downs - I feel so ungrateful

[Starbeach]

Firstly you have to understand we took along time to get pregnant and this is likely to be our only child as not sure we can afford anymore fertility treatment.

But the reason I feel so ungrateful is we are having a girl and so many people are giving us stuff but for starters its from their boys. I know babies are expensive and Im happy to have certain things given to us sterilisers etc but some stuff I just want to choose myself for our little girl and not have what is given to us as we are unlikely to go through this again and its not like we cant afford to buy things even if some of it is second hand at least we have the choice of what stuff we want to buy. Added to this is that some of the stuff that has been given to us is dirty and the stuff friends and family cant seem to shift so they are now just dumping it on us. We are yet to be given anything I actually like or feel comfortable giving to our DD.

There is only so much I can say my mum has bought us just as an excuse. I dont know how to say sorry we cant take it but I dont want to be lumbered with all this stuff we have to get rid of

One thing I have realised since becoming an adult/having my own home/family is that people LOVE TO DUMP THEIR UNWANTED SHIT ON YOU.

It makes them feel good and less guilty about getting rid of it. I have learnt to say no thank you, we have that or we don’t have room.

There is absolutely no need to use any of this stuff, either say thanks but no thanks or just take it straight to the charity shop. This is your first baby and you want to choose her stuff, that's normal and totally understandable.

People like to offload their stuff in case it's useful and might feel a bit selfish just chucking it without checking with you first.

Enjoy your baby, dress her how you have dreamed about dressing her and feel no obligation to anyone else! Congratulations x

@MarJau26 What a boy item? I can’t think of any specific items specially for babies with penises? Why would the genitals of the baby make any difference to how its dressed and raised. But OP YANBU for not wanting stuff other people just want to shift x

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! I have 3 girls. Hard work but worth it
Secondly, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable. This is your first baby; a lovely shiny little baby girl! And you are being handed loads of shite hand-me-downs. It's a bit deflating really.
Keep what you want, get shot of the rest, and try not to let it get you down.

Ask if they want it back.

If they do refuse it saying you wouldn’t want to ruin it and wouldn’t be comfortable using it.

If they don’t take it and shove it on freecycle. It’ll go in seconds to someone who can use it and you won’t feel guilty.

What clothes aren't unisex?

Ones that say daddy's boy, mum's little prince I guess

When I was pregnant I was a dumping ground for other people’s old baby shit. Sorry, stuff.

They do it because they feel sentimental about it and so haven’t been able to part with it all/can’t be arsed to part with it all, and so they dump it on you.

This means they get to feel virtuous as they though they’ve helped you out (they haven’t), they’ve cleared out their house and they haven’t had to go to the tip/charity shop themselves to part with their beloved crap (no, I’ve bloody had to.)

My SIL was awful for it, bags and bags of torn, filthy clothes and filthy, broken toys have been dumped in my hallway. My ILs go on about how wonderfully generous she is and how I must be so grateful. Grateful for having to dump it/donate a load of filthy crap? Nah. Not so much.

The only person who truly helped out was my closest friend who gave us her beautiful and very loved Moses basket. I kept it pristine and passed it back and it’s housing another tiny person now.

Sorry. Total merail.

I'm a big fan of a hand me down, but like you I have received some real rubbish- dirty, stained, ripped clothing. If I have the time, space and patience, I look through the bags and immediately charity/scrap anything I don't want. Otherwise, it's a polite but firm decline. Over the years I've worked out who gives the best items and I know to always accept their bags! One thing I would say is all of mine were different shapes and sizes and suited different things as babies which I wasn't really expecting - DD1 was a chunky one and always looked squished in anything with a waistband so wore a lot of rompers/soft dungarees whereas DD2 was a skinny little thing and suited leggings and poppered tops much better- she always looked like a deflated balloon in rompers! Congratulations on your pregnancy and baby girl- enjoy every minute and don't compromise!

You really have to get better at saying no. People see the opportunity to get rid of their old stuff and feel good doing it. You don’t have to take it.

when I was 38 weeks my aunt turned up at my house with a 10 year old cot mattress she’d stored in her loft. She said “I know you can’t use it as it’s been in the loft but thought I’d bring it anyway. Just take it to the tip if you don’t feel comfortable.” I laughingly (but very seriously) used my massive bulk to block the door and told her to just keep driving to the tip herself.

I drove a Ford Fiesta at the time so I’d have had to cut it up to get it there

Sometimes it's hard to feel grateful when someone gives you loads of stuff. One or two things is fine, and the offer is always nice, but it can get ridiculous and overwhelming.

A relative has 2 boys, we have 1 girl and 1 boy, with DS being the youngest of them all. She asked us if we wanted "a few bits" for DS when he was little, I said okay (even though we had plenty). She lives far away and so a couple of weeks later her Mum turned up with about 20 bin bags full of clothes! I wasn't there when they came into the house, but I was shocked and, to be honest, quite annoyed. I didn't have time to look through them all so I arranged for a charity to come and pick them up. I've always said no thank you ever since...

OP I get it, I loved handmedowns and had some wonderful stuff but yes, I wanted my girl in girls clothes, sorry but while she was teeny I wanted to put her in gendered clothes, actually I was never a pale pink mum but I wanted her in bright stripes and crazy flowers and and shocking pink and a lovely pretty coat. Sorry but yes I did and I loved buying her pretty GIRL clothes as a baby and toddler. For that I was rewarded with 10 years of her only wearing football kits and boys clothes so I’m even more pleased I had her wearing what I wanted her to wear when she was too young to choose for herself, changed again and today we argued over the values of balcony vs push up bras so swings and roundabouts

Why is flowers and pink GIRL stuff? Why does genitalia mean you wanted to dress her differently to if she had a penis? I get it if you just like that stuff full stop but if that was the case you’d put a son in the same outfit? Why gender clothing?

This! With bells on!

Honestly just smile politely and say "that's kind of you to offer but we're all sorted thanks". :)

@Lillith111 because off MN people do dress children in gendered clothing. We can all sit here being oh so politically correct but 99.9% of babies are dressed according to their sex. Maybe that’s changing but quite frankly I didn’t want a baby boy in girls clothes and vice Versa and most people will dress their children accordingly.

I used the 'thank you for the kind offer but we are excited to be buying x, y & z' we had waited a long time so it was fun!

Now, I tend to take the parcels of pass me downs and sift through it, ds goes to nursery and some of the stuff comes in super handy!! One coat in particular has been my sister's ds, my ds and now my nephews! Along with wellies and puddle suits! It's cute to think that have all worn it.

I have a friend who gives me beautiful hand me downs for my children and I'm very grateful but there's no way she'd give me stuff that was stained and that I couldn't use she just wouldn't. I think people need to think about exactly what they're giving to people as otherwise it's
Just becomes a nightmare.

A friend of mine had about 20 bin bags of absolute shite given to her from a relative and I helped her she was so stressed it ranged from
Newborn to about 7 (like people have room to keep 7 years worth of stuff!!) and more than half I've thrown better stuff out
I think she kept equivalent to one bin bags worth of it all - just ridiculous

@Trafficjamlog but what makes an outfit “boys clothes”. What’s politically correct about saying to stop gendering bloody everything. Someone arbitra

arbitrarily assigned stuff to genitals and a lot of it is bloody sexist. Stop putting kids into boxes before they can talk they get enough of that shit when they’re older. ^ sorry got cut off halfway

Disagree sorry. No issue with gendered clothes. Children find their own way based on what they want. My kids are teens and have totally followed their own interests in terms of gendering, I’ve had a girl who wore nothing but football kit and skate wear and a boy who wore an Elsa dress and a bikini for 2 years. Couldn’t care less however I have no issues whatsoever with babies in gendered clothes. Couldn’t care less what other people do but it’s hardly something new.and it doesn’t stop them exploring what they want when they’re older

@Trafficjamlog agree to disagree then. Girls clothing almost always ends up with the dolls, the “looking pretty element”, having a caregiver role and being princessy. Boys has space, tractors, sport and most importantly is usually more practical. I think we should raise boys and girls as similarly as possible as research suggests that kids adsorb this stuff. I think its great that your teens are happy and doing what they love though xxx

I had this. Honestly, unless it's the big stuff like prams, cribs etc just take it. I think it's really important people choose their own pram, crib, baby monitor, steriliser etc because it has to work for your lifestyle.

But for clothes, sort through it and wash it. Divide it into age groups. Decide what you like and what you don't. Put the stuff you're not keen on in a bag, bottom of the wardrobe type thing as emergency spares. When the age has passed donate.

If you don't need it give it charity. But honestly it's not worth upsetting people by turning it down.

You can still buy you're own things. I looked at it like since I didn't need to buy every single baby grow, vest, pair of socks etc I could spend a bit more on nicer things. My DD had beautiful stuff I bought from John Lewis, Joules, JoJo Mamam bebe etc and if I hadn't had all the free stuff I wouldn't have been able to do that.

During the nighttime when she'd leaked out of a sleepsuit for the 2nd time, those old sleepgrows seemed like a win. You get to use your beautiful ones during the days when you can get to a nappy quicker 😉

Oh I love hand me downs and the scruffier the better so I don't feel any guilt when DC get muddy, pour spag bol down everything etc. Fabulous for nursery too. There's nothing worse than being unable to enjoy your child or your child being unable to do what they want because you are worried about clothing.

YANBU and I say that as someone who loves hand me downs and a charity shop rummage.

I would say though keep a few boxes of clothes just in case you underestimate the amount you need. You can go through a lot of vests and sleepsuits the first year.