Hand me downs - I feel so ungrateful

[Starbeach]

Firstly you have to understand we took along time to get pregnant and this is likely to be our only child as not sure we can afford anymore fertility treatment.

But the reason I feel so ungrateful is we are having a girl and so many people are giving us stuff but for starters its from their boys. I know babies are expensive and Im happy to have certain things given to us sterilisers etc but some stuff I just want to choose myself for our little girl and not have what is given to us as we are unlikely to go through this again and its not like we cant afford to buy things even if some of it is second hand at least we have the choice of what stuff we want to buy. Added to this is that some of the stuff that has been given to us is dirty and the stuff friends and family cant seem to shift so they are now just dumping it on us. We are yet to be given anything I actually like or feel comfortable giving to our DD.

There is only so much I can say my mum has bought us just as an excuse. I dont know how to say sorry we cant take it but I dont want to be lumbered with all this stuff we have to get rid of

When I see pastel princessy clothes in shops I'm afraid I do judge the retailers and whoever is buying them.

Why though? Some children like princessy clothes so do some adults. Why can't people have different tastes to you?
My daughter is 11 and nearly always shops from the boys section and has since she was little. She loves football and sports and always comes home covered in mud.
Her friend loves JoJo bows and glitter and sparkle and "girly" things. They make her happy. What is wrong with that?

Are people incapable of saying "no thanks, we are all good".

I get what you mean op . There's a very fine line to navigate between re using old clothes and saving yourself some cash as much of the baby stuff is outgrown quickly barely used. And it makes sense to pass it on.

But the whole thing can very quickly escalate onto ending up housing everyone else's junk that you don't need or want. It literally opens the floodgates. One days it's a few baby grows a coat ir 2 and some hats and bibs. The next its toys with bits missing and books that have been in someone's loft fir a decade and a battered old trainers that won't even fit til they are 6.

And yes as silly as it sounds all these people got to choose and buy what they wanted fir their kids but can't fathik that actually they all got to enjoy that part and now are taking it away from everyone else. So grandparents especially are the worst for this.

Ah but you see, your daughter will be a success in life Nd her friend is destined to sit twirling her hair and wondering when her man will put a ring on it so she can give up work to care for him. According to Mumsnet anyway. It's impossible to like pink AND be intelligent, ambitious, successful. Apparently

Ah but you see, your daughter will be a success in life Nd her friend is destined to sit twirling her hair and wondering when her man will put a ring on it so she can give up work to care for him. According to Mumsnet anyway. It's impossible to like pink AND be intelligent, ambitious, successful. Apparently

I think you’re a bit naive if you don’t think there is a problem with how we dress girls v boys. Baby stuff is one thing, as yes a onesie can be any colour. But pretty dresses and sandals are impractical and hinder girls play. Slogans saying boys are fierce and girls love to sparkle are pervasive.

And after shopping yesterday with my girl, she was annoyed that there were barely any t-shirts which weren’t crop tops in pastel sparkly colours. We were just discussing how impractical they were when a 7 year old girl passed us with her dad, trying to pull down a crop top and complaining she was cold. I’m all for people having a choice but actually, for girls who don’t like pink or pastel, there is no choice. We usually default to the boys section but at the moment it’s all Lego, PlayStation and Minecraft motif, and she isn’t in to those either.

Having had two refluxy kids I was grateful for all the hand me downs. So I bought a few "nice" things l liked and had other stuff for the multiple back up outfits - worst day was 10 outfits for DC and 4 for me...

You don't need to just have other people's cast offs, buy some nice stuff but equally it's nice to have loads of things sometimes so you can wait at least 12h between wash loads on a bad day!

You might have a baby who keeps their milk in their tummies and poo in their nappies rather than up the back and all over you, in which case move the stuff on and have less in the next size!

@SleepingStandingUp gender stereotypes are harmful to all children, especially girls, and there's so much research to support this.

I didn't used to feel strongly about it until watching a programme called 'No more boys and girls' following a primary school class. You can watch it on iPlayer or YouTube. They talk in detail about gendered clothing choices with kids and parents.

This led me to read the book 'parenting beyond pink and blue' which draws from up to date research in this area. It's not fair to children to be stereotyped.

Op go through the bags, and separate into 3 piles,
Keep
Charity
Rag bin.

Even if it is "boys" stuff Keep a fee bits to use as spares / Keep in the change bag and its handy to have extra vests and baby grows.

My pet hate is people dumping stuff on you (especially toys) under the guise of being 'helpful'. It's so obvious they just want rid of it, it's not a helpful gesture at all unless the receiver has indicated they would be grateful for it.
I also don't really have a problem with wanting to dress a baby girl in cute baby clothes for girls (Not just pink) especially if you've had a boy before. Why not just let parents dress their kids how they want, gendered or neutral?

Our daughter for the most part wears dresses, and now at two will pick to wear a poofy dress and wellies more often than not. I only wear dresses, I don’t remember the last time I wore a pair of trousers. I also have a degree in agriculture and manage land and farms. The attitude of parents is what is important and giving their children opportunities is important, not what colour clothes they wear.

Most people who do this are well meaning, but personally I find it a real pain to have to do endless charity shop runs for stuff I never wanted in the first place. Much better to politely prevent it arriving in your house in the first place. I always went with "That's kind of you to think of us. I don't think we have any more space to store anything else at the moment though sadly, so do please pass them on to the next person."

Well after reading lots of threads on here, I would be very careful about giving it to charity! Sometimes these types come back to you after a year or so and ask for all their stuff back 😯
Best to not accept it in the first place.

Exactly!
A lot of people including her teachers have said to me that my daughter is really cool and has her own style which is great but I find it really sad that her friend is maybe being judged by some posters because she likes pink and sparkles and bows. She is no less cool or interesting! She is an athlete that competes in competitions and is strong and talented!

I get that gender stereotypes can be harmful and my daughter has got fed up when she's looking for clothes and it's all crop tops and pink but I think it's also harmful to go too far the other way and have children feel like it's wrong to like more stereotypical things if that's their choice.

OP dress your baby however makes you happy especially if it's your only chance.
Make the most of it until she starts wanting to choose her own clothes.
You are not ungrateful for not wanting all the stuff. You will just have to be brave and try saying "Thanks but no thanks."

If I'd not accepted hand-me-downs, I dare say I'd never have found out how gorgeous my dd looked in navy. Or lime green.

Whenever someone offers to give you stuff just simply say "we've already been given so much we really don't need anymore but thank you anyway".

We actually have been given so much for our baby so this is what I've been saying to people when they offer and nobody's been offended, they all agree that you get given so much when having a baby that you end up with far too much

You just have to learn to say no thank you. Be honest ‘ah so many people have already been so generous, we just don’t have room for any more, I’d rather you give it someone who needs it’.

however your thing about it being your only child after a long time trying is a bit 😕everyone’s baby is as special to them as yours is.

Just be honest tell ppl u want to get lovely new stuff for the most part but you would happily use second hand items such as x, y or z.
That is what we did.
We used a friend's moses basket, my parents and I laws bought lot of second hand stuff that stays at their house so we don't need to bring a million things bwne visiting. Such a a bouncer or a pram or a travel cot has been brilliant. Save us so much hassle.

@TheOriginalEmu

Agree.

Your baby isn't more loved because of issues you have had. PFB warning 😉

P.s. loving the user name.

#emuemoji

"We don't have room for bags and bags so I'll come to yours and just have a look through if there's anything we need.

I can't take much as we don't have room and won't be able to get pram past bags people have been leaving us and As I'm pregnant I can't carry other peoples things down to charity shop so please don't drop things off"

I have a policy that bags don't come into /and stay/ in our house, I look through neatly and hand rest back. (Don't comment as I go through except to say oooh I remember this... bet you have great memories... ah we have plenty of these...) and always make sure I say

"those will be great thanks, but these lovely things reject we won't take as we won't have room for too much and you can give to another friend"

Then the person takes the rest of bag away with them.

I have driven back stuff people have dropped off or unwanted and put back outside their house with a text of "thanks but we don't need this much, thought you'd want to give it to another friend"

OP's newborn is highly unlikely to be getting coveted in mud or rolling around in slag Bol. People are being disingenuous with their faux confusion about what's boys and girls clothes but if they are genuinely struggling then pop to the super market - it's in separate sections! A pink baby grow is no more impractical than a baby blue one neither are leggings and a t shirt any less practical than joggers and a t shirt. I dressed my DD's in pink because I liked it - it's not damaged them. Since the age of about 6 dd1 wouldn't be seen dead in pink or anything sparkly. Dd 9 has really strong opinions on clothing and hates anything cutesy or flowery and cannot stand daft slogans although likes a sequin or 2. OP it's fine to want to pick your own stuff for your first and only dd and it's fine to not want that to be dark colours and trucks (newborn is pretty much the only stage you can get away with pale without it ending up filthy so enjoy). Just keep repeating 'we don't need that but thanks for the thought' you don't need to explain further to say your mum has got it etc. for things you already have been given just say you've got too much so do they want it retuned or should you donate on (rag bag for the dirty stuff).

It's probably easier than sorting things and giving them back to multiple people tbf.

Lots of people offered hand me downs but I just smiled and said no thanks we’ve got enough.

A couple of people insisted and the stuff they gave me was really worn and faded!

My friend gets loads of amazing hand me downs for her kids from her sister, loads of Boden, Next, Frugi etc in great condition. If I got stuff like that I might feel differently but I only seemed to get offered greying sleepsuits from the supermarkets!

Our kids practically live in hand me downs and I consider myself very lucky (we have barely spent anything on clothes over the years) but I totally get what you are saying.

When stuff comes in now, I immediately sort it into 3 piles, rubbish, op shop and keeping,

Most of the time if the stuff is stained or ripped it's not because people purposefully gave you crap, it's because they didn't notice as they did a hasty, long overdue clear out.

You can also just say No if you would rather, most people wont care in the slightest.

I really hope no one's babies are rolling around in slag Bol.