Hand me downs - I feel so ungrateful

[Starbeach]

Firstly you have to understand we took along time to get pregnant and this is likely to be our only child as not sure we can afford anymore fertility treatment.

But the reason I feel so ungrateful is we are having a girl and so many people are giving us stuff but for starters its from their boys. I know babies are expensive and Im happy to have certain things given to us sterilisers etc but some stuff I just want to choose myself for our little girl and not have what is given to us as we are unlikely to go through this again and its not like we cant afford to buy things even if some of it is second hand at least we have the choice of what stuff we want to buy. Added to this is that some of the stuff that has been given to us is dirty and the stuff friends and family cant seem to shift so they are now just dumping it on us. We are yet to be given anything I actually like or feel comfortable giving to our DD.

There is only so much I can say my mum has bought us just as an excuse. I dont know how to say sorry we cant take it but I dont want to be lumbered with all this stuff we have to get rid of

I used to pass on my best used clothes/equipment, can't comprehend people passing on dross. Just say thanks but no thanks. It wouldn't offend me, if it offends your friends they're not your friends. Can totally understand why you want to equip your nursery/baby with your choices, first borns are precious and buying for them is a joy. Enjoy your daughter.

While I sort of agree with your sentiments, your judgement will be misplaced in a lot of cases. I’ve just got a massive bag of clothes for free for my dd. I can’t afford to buy her stuff even second hand. The whole lot is pink and girly and not my style at all but right now, it’s all we have. Yes, if I see “boys” clothes I’ll take them too if they’re free but your unnecessary judgement about how people are raising their child and their future is so far from ok.

@Lillith111 no never ever did o buy princess clothes but I took great pleasure in bright striped leggings, crazy flower trousers, lots of turquoise, cerise, yellow and red. She did wear her brothers old dingarees but I never dressed any of the kids in logo or princess clothes. This is the child who was Spider-Man on her third birthday. It didn’t harm her

"Ah that's so kind of you to think of us but I'm afraid we can't take it. We've been given so many lovely things already and we simply don't have the space to store anything else! We're already piling carrier bags in the baby's room, I'm going to have to give some of it away before she's even born to avoid creating a fire hazard!"

If they insist then...."No, sorry, wec an't take it" and repeat.

My approach with this has been "what would you like to me to do with the stuff I don't need? Shall I give it you back or..?"

And almost everyone has said to just bin it / get rid.

Some was good quality but not to my taste so I made a few ££ ebaying it. Anything crap I binned.

Just say “thanks but we are looking forward to choosing it all ourselves.”
only one person has ever been offended and weirdly she was someone I barely knew.

Just tell people you've got enough thanks.

We pass clothes all ground here but it's always clean even if it's showing some wear, never holes etc and it's given on agreement - I've got these, do you need them? OK I did just post a friend a random pair of kids trousers but they're adorable and I couldn't donate them. But generally, I ask first.

Well she will need a penis to operate wearing blue

My daughter wasn’t given any clothes before having her baby. She was so relieved and happy!

YANBU and the people giving you stuff know it. Just say no thanks I'm excited to buy my own things. Or just no thanks.

My daughter has had hand me downs since birth and I’m grateful for them believe me.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Oh FECK! My pjs are blue….. 😬😬😬

I didn’t get a single hand me down and always felt quite sad as there was nobody that had kids before me in the family/friends. Now I feel like I haven’t missed out… thanks guys 🥲

Is that a proxy stealth brag about how she never needed any assistance providing for her own child?

Humble bragging http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4542279-humble-bragging

Do you give the stuff back or ask them?

Whats the etiquette here?

All these “just give it to the charity shop” suggestions. Why should someone have to do that for someone else? Just say no thanks then people can take their own shit to the charity shop.

Exactly.

This reminds me if when I was pregnant with my first child. I never found out the sex as I was keeping it a surprise and one if my friends came and dropped about 3 bin bags of her daughters baby clothes to me. Thinking back I should have refused it but I was always to polite to say no or upset people. I ended up having a boy and I'm not someone who dress a boy in girls clothes.

@NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor you're right - that was judgemental and I'm sorry. It was also hypocritical as my kids were both walking gender stereotypes for the first year as I got piles of hand me downs too. Then our supply dried up and I found bright, practical clothes for each. I couldn't judge parents on an individual basis because the majority of girls wear pastels and boys wear khaki sludge as that's what they sell us in shops (and not enough people are angry about this)

When I see pastel princessy clothes in shops I'm afraid I do judge the retailers and whoever is buying them. I also judge people who only accept hand me downs in the 'correct gender'. It's limiting for both sexes. Stereotypes are damaging and hold people back later in life. We should know better.

I would just say that you have soo much stuff from other people and haven't got room for any more.

Wish I had taken my own advice mind!! I wanted to buy all new stuff with my first baby and had so many people wanting to give me stuff. One of my friends dropped off 6 bags of absolute crap. Clothes up to 3 years old. The clothes were AWFUL. Dirty, stained, tattered & just horrible. I can't believe she wasn't embarrassed to give them to me.

I have had so many people continue to try and give me stuff and it is hard to say no, but I would start now!!

OP ignore all the people telling you it’s wrong to dress a girl in girly clothes. Think of it as a difference in taste. You want pink frills and ditsy flower prints? Buy them. Go and buy the cute baby outfits that you want to use.
Then if you can bear it, consider going through the 2nd hand clothes and making 3 piles ‘no way’ ´sure if ever other outfit is in the wash covered in puke’ and ´actually that yellow stripey babygrow/blue vest/white pramsuit would go well with the pink joggers/broderie anglaise romper/pink fluffy hat I’ve chosen’. Then dump the ´no way’ stuff in clothes recycling/charity shop, wash the other stuff on a good long hot wash to get rid of any marks, and integrate it into your baby’s wardrobe. Basically, treat the 2nd hand ´gifts’ like a free shop and just take what you like and ditch the rest.
If anyone has given you stuff to use and then they want it back and you can’t be bothered, either stick it in the attic unopened or give it straight back and say you don’t want to upset them by ruining any of it and that you have different taste anyway.

There’s unisex clothing, and there’s very much boy or girl.
Of course the baby doesn’t know or care, but IMO, OP, you’re perfectly entitled to dress a longed for baby however you want, especially if it’s going to be an ‘only’.

Personally I’d take any definite-boy stuff to the charity shop, or bin any that’s stained or scruffy, but hold on to any nice/unisex - you may well get through more than you imagine - and hope the worst of the poonamis happen in those!

If anyone wants the clothes back when you are done I would immediately hand them back and say you're sorry but it would all just get jumbled up with the rest and puked on like the rest so if its that precious you can't accept it.