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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my “DH” is an arsehole

104 replies

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 03:42

Our baby is almost 6 months and loaded with the cold. He was still up at 2:30am whilst we slept: baby woke so asked him to bring a bottle: I then was struggling to find my glasses on bedside table(Obvz because I literally can’t see and they were not where I usually get it them) anyway I’m changing baby and asked him to look to which he slams on the big light. Throws bedside crib aside, sweeps everything off bedside table throws them at me saying I’m sick of u: I burst into tears with the fright I got only to told to fuck off and die: this is how he behaves when he is tired. AIBU to think u can’t behave like this because your tired ? AIBU to ask for a hand in the night occasionally ?

OP posts:
TooGiddy · 07/05/2022 03:49

I'm sorry to read this. What an awful thing to happen. His behaviour is completely and utterly unacceptable.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 07/05/2022 03:51

He is a dickhead. Such a child. I'd think about leaving. A life time of that is too much.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 07/05/2022 03:52

It's not because he's tired. It's because he's an abusive petulant arsehole. What if one of his missiles had hit the baby? Or your face? Or he'd broken your glasses leaving you basically blind?
Seriously, give consideration to leaving him. Tired is not an excuse!

Motherofcats007 · 07/05/2022 03:56

You know what the answer is, he’s an asshole. Is he ever violent? Is this the first time he’s thrown a tantrum like this? Are you ok?

He needs to sleep on the sofa tonight at least, I would be scared of this kind of outburst and wouldn’t really trust him around me or the baby atm. If this is out of the ordinary I would definitely speak to him tomorrow. If this is how he normally behaves, I would seriously look at an exit plan.

MissMogwai · 07/05/2022 03:58

Horrible. You and your baby deserve better.

peachy3 · 07/05/2022 04:21

I’m sorry but what a weird man. My DS is 1 month old and I had a c-section with life threatening complications so I still can’t lift baby out of his crib (I can hold him sat down to feed him or change him in front of me in bed). My DP gets up at every cry in the night without even batting an eyelid or complaining of tiredness. He’s very much of the idea that I need to let myself heal and then night duties are shared more equally once I’m fully capable. If he had a reaction like your husbands I wouldn’t be entertaining the thought of continuing our relationship.

Your husbands baby is unwell and he’s losing it over you asking to grab your glasses. And to throw the crib to the side is disturbing. Where does this idiot get off telling you to F off and die? I wouldn’t want to stay with this man and I hope you don’t put up with the prick any longer.

Philisophigal · 07/05/2022 04:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

polkadotpixie · 07/05/2022 04:43

My DH can be an arsehole when he's woken up/tired but that means he's a bit snappy and stomps around a lot. What your DH has done is abusive and not just being an arsehole. I'd be asking him to leave, at least until he arranges and attends anger management

HP87 · 07/05/2022 04:45

Yeah that's not normal. I'd be seriously considering my marriage with him. Plus if he's like this when he's tired why isn't he going to bed earlier to not be tired!

It's not the same but my dh used to fall asleep on the sofa during the day and say he's tired. I told him I didn't want to see it or hear it because it's his choice to stay up until 2am. He does still stay up but now I don't have to deal with him moaning or falling asleep, suddenly he can manage it better!

mowly77 · 07/05/2022 04:56

Sorry to read this too. My DP is a similar arsehole prone to angry outbursts and language like this. I didn’t leave him when DD was tiny & I can’t afford to buy him out of the house; & he won’t leave. It’s all a moot point now as I’ve got incurable cancer. No real advice for you - sorry. But sympathy and you’re not alone.

What’s he like at other times? Can he be helpful and kind?

My DP can sometimes and now DD is nearly 4 and he obviously loves her. But his impatience and language and anger still rear up from time to time and he needs a lot of time alone not parenting not doing anything at all because he was diagnosed with Aspergers just 2 years ago. It’s a bit Jekyll and Hyde frankly.

But if your DP has good points and this is a one off then talk to him about it when he’s calmed down?

MyCatIsAJerk · 07/05/2022 05:04

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 03:42

Our baby is almost 6 months and loaded with the cold. He was still up at 2:30am whilst we slept: baby woke so asked him to bring a bottle: I then was struggling to find my glasses on bedside table(Obvz because I literally can’t see and they were not where I usually get it them) anyway I’m changing baby and asked him to look to which he slams on the big light. Throws bedside crib aside, sweeps everything off bedside table throws them at me saying I’m sick of u: I burst into tears with the fright I got only to told to fuck off and die: this is how he behaves when he is tired. AIBU to think u can’t behave like this because your tired ? AIBU to ask for a hand in the night occasionally ?

Well, it’s 100% that he’s an arsehole, @MrsSugar.

But that doesn’t solve your problem. What would happen if you waited until he wasn’t tired and laid down the law? And told him you’ve had it with the disrespect and tossing of furniture and all the rest of the crap?

He’s doing it because you’re allowing it. Tell him it’s unacceptable and the next time he does it, you’ll “_.” Then decide what consequences you’re willing to lay down AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM.

Otherwise, it’s just BS. And he’ll keep repeating the same childish, abusive behaviour.

Autienotnaughtie · 07/05/2022 05:13

Not normal or acceptable u need a conversation when you are both less tired. If he can not see what he's doing wrong he doesn't respect you.

DailySheetWasher · 07/05/2022 05:20

I just can't imagine keeping anyone in my life after they told me to fuck off and die.

No amount of stress or exhaustion excuses saying that to someone you supposedly love.

Trifecta · 07/05/2022 05:28

He behaves this way because he’s an arsehole and he believes you’ll put up with it. Don’t.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2022 05:42

Well, what a selfish fucker he is, huh.

My own DH wasn't very good with being woken up in the night, as much as happens with new babies. I also co-slept with both my babies - so shipped DH out into the spare room, initially where the changing table was, and then into the other one in the loft.
All because he got "too tired" Hmm and couldn't understand that the baby's need for food and changing outweighed his need for sleep. Because he WORKED, you know.

Anyway, having him in a different room so that his sleep could go relatively undisturbed meant we survived those periods.

Still branded him as a selfish fucker though.

Original poster
MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 05:45

Thanks for all your replies ensuring me that I’m not over dramatic and that ge is out of order. He’s been off work unwell a few days this week and that coupled with tiredness is how he behaves. Being off work isnt good for him. His paternity leave wasn’t great and it was actually better when he went back to work. I’ve not spoken to him but I know how it will go. He will say it’s my fault for being so careless that I can’t find my glasses , ignore it completely and ask why I’m so miserable or he will apologise. We were meant to be going out for a meal tonight but tbh I’m also not feeling too well n would rather not. I feel totally done in tbh. I am skint. I try so hard to be a good wife n mum. I really don’t ask for much at all. Literally basic help in the house which I don’t often get. Just feel so so tired with it all

yeah I get that a lot too. “I actually work what is it u do all day” I look after our child, washings, cleaning, cooking etc.

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 07/05/2022 05:47

Shocked. His language to someone/anyone as absolutely dreadful, tired or not.

LunaMoonHare · 07/05/2022 05:50

OP please talk to someone IRL. Have you got family support? You need to leave this abusive arsehole before it escalates. I really think you should contact Womens Aid for some advice as well.

justfiveminutes · 07/05/2022 05:58

This is awful behaviour. I'm so sorry you had a baby with such an unsupportive man. Please do not give up work as I fear you will end up raising your baby alone. I hate the thought of you spending your life trying to be 'a good wife.' I hope your situation improves.

MyCatIsAJerk · 07/05/2022 06:04

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 05:45

Thanks for all your replies ensuring me that I’m not over dramatic and that ge is out of order. He’s been off work unwell a few days this week and that coupled with tiredness is how he behaves. Being off work isnt good for him. His paternity leave wasn’t great and it was actually better when he went back to work. I’ve not spoken to him but I know how it will go. He will say it’s my fault for being so careless that I can’t find my glasses , ignore it completely and ask why I’m so miserable or he will apologise. We were meant to be going out for a meal tonight but tbh I’m also not feeling too well n would rather not. I feel totally done in tbh. I am skint. I try so hard to be a good wife n mum. I really don’t ask for much at all. Literally basic help in the house which I don’t often get. Just feel so so tired with it all

yeah I get that a lot too. “I actually work what is it u do all day” I look after our child, washings, cleaning, cooking etc.

@MrsSugar

PLEASE stop making excuses for him. He’s verbally abusive and throwing baby furniture at you.
This isn’t normal. And it’s only acceptable if you allow it to be.
Your choice.

Egghead68 · 07/05/2022 06:49

You need to leave him.

KangarooKenny · 07/05/2022 06:55

So he’s tired, but he was still up at 2.30am ?
You need to leave, he’s abusive.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 07/05/2022 06:56

I wouldn't leave him alone with my crying baby.

FAQs · 07/05/2022 06:59

@mowly77 thats dreadful, so sorry. Xx

drawacircleroundit · 07/05/2022 07:05

He sounds like he's going to hurt you or the baby during one of his tantrums. You need to not let that happen.