Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my “DH” is an arsehole

104 replies

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 03:42

Our baby is almost 6 months and loaded with the cold. He was still up at 2:30am whilst we slept: baby woke so asked him to bring a bottle: I then was struggling to find my glasses on bedside table(Obvz because I literally can’t see and they were not where I usually get it them) anyway I’m changing baby and asked him to look to which he slams on the big light. Throws bedside crib aside, sweeps everything off bedside table throws them at me saying I’m sick of u: I burst into tears with the fright I got only to told to fuck off and die: this is how he behaves when he is tired. AIBU to think u can’t behave like this because your tired ? AIBU to ask for a hand in the night occasionally ?

OP posts:
HairyBum · 07/05/2022 07:11

This is not normal, even if ill or tired my husband would never behave so badly

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 07/05/2022 07:17

He sounds like an absolute dickhead, what does he actually contribute to your relationship?

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2022 07:19

Can you go stay with family today op? He doesn’t sound safe for you or your baby to be around

Mamanyt · 07/05/2022 07:19

The sad truth is this...if this is who he is, this is who he is. Doesn't much matter whether you deserve this treatment, this is the treatment he has to fall back on. Either you must put up with it and slowly sink in a welter of despair, or you have to somehow manage to get out of his rage...and with a tiny baby in tow. I know that the second is healthier in the long run. I also know how impossible it must seem in the now.

Clymene · 07/05/2022 07:19

You and your baby are not safe. He is an aggressive angry many who is going to hurt you if you don't get out.

sashh · 07/05/2022 07:24

OP

You are in an abusive relationship.

No matter how hard you try being 'a good wife' it will never be good enough.

It will ALLWAYS be your fault.

Imagine when your baby is a toddler and maybe trips over a toy. If you are in the room then it is your fault for not watching him, if you are not in the room then it is your fault for not moving the toy.

Get out now. You are strong enough and you will get stronger because you will not be spending all your time thinking about what your not so dear husband wants.

EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter · 07/05/2022 07:25

I think night wakings with a newborn give a massive insight into a person’s character.

I learned I would’ve made a great on-call medic/vet because I was cheery, efficient and my brain worked.

my ex (common or garden chippy east end Glaswegian - your grammar suggests you’re a Scot) was a whiny fucking nightmare whose tantrums continued way past night-feeds.

Well done for recognising such immaturity - silently make plans to move out and on - because it’s not going to get better - just chip away at your soul.

Namenic · 07/05/2022 07:26

He does not sound like a good father or husband. Can you go and stay with family or friends? when you have kids, you should expect to be woken up (whether one person is sahp or not) - child may be ill, not sleep, potty training…

EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter · 07/05/2022 07:27

And to echo what sassh said - yes, I was expected to be literally watching them 24/7 and even got “told off” for going to the toilet! 🙄

it probably goes without saying that he took on no parenting duties - just criticised mine…

LuluBlakey1 · 07/05/2022 07:27

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 05:45

Thanks for all your replies ensuring me that I’m not over dramatic and that ge is out of order. He’s been off work unwell a few days this week and that coupled with tiredness is how he behaves. Being off work isnt good for him. His paternity leave wasn’t great and it was actually better when he went back to work. I’ve not spoken to him but I know how it will go. He will say it’s my fault for being so careless that I can’t find my glasses , ignore it completely and ask why I’m so miserable or he will apologise. We were meant to be going out for a meal tonight but tbh I’m also not feeling too well n would rather not. I feel totally done in tbh. I am skint. I try so hard to be a good wife n mum. I really don’t ask for much at all. Literally basic help in the house which I don’t often get. Just feel so so tired with it all

yeah I get that a lot too. “I actually work what is it u do all day” I look after our child, washings, cleaning, cooking etc.

Why do you stay with him? He treats you like crap, is aggressive, unpleasant and you are miserable. You and your baby could have been hurt last night.

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 07:31

He sounds absolutely awful. I'm so sorry. Please try and stay safe OP x

Pollydonia · 07/05/2022 07:33

Picking up on you mentioning being skint op - do you have separate finances as well ?

frazzledasarock · 07/05/2022 07:40

sashh · 07/05/2022 07:24

OP

You are in an abusive relationship.

No matter how hard you try being 'a good wife' it will never be good enough.

It will ALLWAYS be your fault.

Imagine when your baby is a toddler and maybe trips over a toy. If you are in the room then it is your fault for not watching him, if you are not in the room then it is your fault for not moving the toy.

Get out now. You are strong enough and you will get stronger because you will not be spending all your time thinking about what your not so dear husband wants.

This!

your H is abusive, it will only escalate.

does your H tell his boss at work to fuck off and die because he’s ‘tried’? Does he throw things at his boss because he’s tired?

and any man who comes home from work and ask ‘but what did you do all day’ is never a good person, he’s abusive and nasty.

make sure you have plans in place never ever to be completely financially reliant on him, ensure you have access to your own source of money. I’d tell close friends and family what he’s doing too. And plan to leave him.

I can pretty much predict he will escalate, you’ll be walking on eggshells around him and it’s only a matter of time till he does hit you- and that will be your fault too.

Pinkieperkie · 07/05/2022 07:42

MyCatIsAJerk · 07/05/2022 05:04

Well, it’s 100% that he’s an arsehole, @MrsSugar.

But that doesn’t solve your problem. What would happen if you waited until he wasn’t tired and laid down the law? And told him you’ve had it with the disrespect and tossing of furniture and all the rest of the crap?

He’s doing it because you’re allowing it. Tell him it’s unacceptable and the next time he does it, you’ll “_.” Then decide what consequences you’re willing to lay down AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM.

Otherwise, it’s just BS. And he’ll keep repeating the same childish, abusive behaviour.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

He's horribly abusive and unpleasant and no one should have to put up with this kind of behaviour. Would he speak to his boss at work like that or his group of mates if he was tired? There is no excuse for it. He clearly has contempt for you, which is not your fault but absolutely his.

I'm so sorry, this is so difficult when you have a young baby.

@mowly77 sending you love. You deserve so much better too.

Astrak · 07/05/2022 07:49

You and your baby are in serious danger of further physical abuse. The emotional abuse has already begun.
Please make plans to leave immediately. Contact a Women's Refuge as soon as possible. Don't mention anything about your plans to him or anyone else. Get out now.

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 07/05/2022 07:49

He sounds awful OP, not a good husband or father. Who were the 1% who said you were being u unreasonable?
Is this your first child? You could go out for the day and leave him with the baby so you can see what you do all day but you would probably worry about the baby.
Is there supportive family or friends you could go and stay with? Sounds like he's been like this before. Not a good environment to bring up a child. Babies are hard work, you need someone who is going to help you. And no,I wouldn't be going out with him tonight. Hope you get a rest.

Pinkieperkie · 07/05/2022 07:49

I try so hard to be a good wife n mum. I really don’t ask for much at all.

Stop trying hard. He's an entitled wanker and it's not down to you not being good enough, it's his horrible attitude. He won't change and you'll still be in this situation many years down the line (voice of experience).

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 07/05/2022 07:52

So he can see what you do all day. My DH used to have our DC all day as I worked 12 hour shifts so he knew how hard it was.

Knittingchamp · 07/05/2022 07:55

Really OP you have to leave this guy. It's insane. This will not be the last time. And it was when you and baby were at your most vulnerable. He also belittles the work you do taking care of the family, and you've told us you already know he will blame the abusive behaviour on you if you raise it. Red flags everywhere. None of that is a normal part of life.

If nothing else, this man doesn't sound safe left alone with a baby. He can't control his anger. So what does that mean for life going forward if you can't even trust him with his own baby when she cries, screams, won't sleep, etc (all the usual things a baby does)?

There will also be years more of this and it'll be very destructive for you and your baby. I think you and baby are genuinely at risk and your lives would be so much better without this man in the picture.

Sadly things can change 100% when a baby comes along as it can really bring out another side of a person, &/or the woman can't carry on indulging or making excuses for shitty male behaviour (or have the world revolve around him) when a baby comes, as the baby needs the focus -and that's when shit can truly hit the fan and it can feel like abusive behaviour has come out of nowhere and be a real shock. Truth is it was there under the radar all along and the new changes and stress of a baby brings it to the surface.

RealBecca · 07/05/2022 07:57

I actually work what is it u do all day

He doesnt respect your or your contribution and makes it sound like you're sponging when all he does is work. Work is much easier imo. Bet he expects to he king of the castle. Some men cant get over it not being the dark ages where women were expected to do everything and then fawn over the man like he was the most important person alive. What a nasty cock.

CoffeeLover90 · 07/05/2022 07:59

My sons dad was like this. His excuse was because he was drunk. He didn't stop drinking though, in fact he'd drink more. I had 0 help and if I asked he'd go in a strop. It ended with me being smoothed, my ribs damaged and my phone snapped in half. Police took him. In the nicest way possible, do not let this happen to you. Please, please end things now. Call women's aid for advice. Tell family and friends what he's like. I bet he doesn't help you as much as you think and when he's gone you'll realise that. This is going to get worse not better. He's making excuses, tired, not working, when actually this is what he is and he'll never change. He's just seeing how far he can go and what you're willing to put up with. Best to end it now.

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 07/05/2022 08:05

How dare he tell you to eff off and die?? There is another reason to leave. Also why are you skint, do you not have access to money? So financially abusive too? He is verbally and financially abusive and using g violence to scare you. I hope you get real life help OP.

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/05/2022 08:06

@mowly77 I'm very very to hear about the bastard cancer.xx

@MrsSugar he's not an arsehole!

He's WAY worse than that. I know everyone saying he's a...whatever... makes you defensive of him, 'he's tired' etc BUT he is abusive & nasty, potentially dangerous too - even if you think he'd never hurt you. No one starts off thinking their partner will hurt or kill them, it escalates.

Do you rent/own?
Do you have friends/family that can help?

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 07/05/2022 08:11

@mowly77 so sorry to hear your situation, I hope you and your DC are getting support.

Okbutnotgreat · 07/05/2022 08:12

No not acceptable and no excuse. I don’t necessarily think being a SAHM with a baby is as tough as working (have done both obviously) but it’s boring and tiring and the daily grind is monotonous. None of that excuses your DH for behaving like a total knob though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread