Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my “DH” is an arsehole

104 replies

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 03:42

Our baby is almost 6 months and loaded with the cold. He was still up at 2:30am whilst we slept: baby woke so asked him to bring a bottle: I then was struggling to find my glasses on bedside table(Obvz because I literally can’t see and they were not where I usually get it them) anyway I’m changing baby and asked him to look to which he slams on the big light. Throws bedside crib aside, sweeps everything off bedside table throws them at me saying I’m sick of u: I burst into tears with the fright I got only to told to fuck off and die: this is how he behaves when he is tired. AIBU to think u can’t behave like this because your tired ? AIBU to ask for a hand in the night occasionally ?

OP posts:
Lynnthesearesexnotgenderpeople · 07/05/2022 08:13

What the fuck?

My DH was often 'not himself' when we were woken up in the night by the kids, but at the absolute worst he was just a moody bastard, and would just get a bit huffy with me (as I would with him I guess)

But throwing the crib, knocking all the stuff off and that level of verbal abuse? I think you need to start thinking about leaving. And in the meantime do not ever leave him with the baby in the night. Or the day really.

Not that it really matters, but what is he like during the day?

pictish · 07/05/2022 08:15

What an absolute wanker.
So, the next time you need some friendly assistance with the baby in the night will you feel comfortable asking him to provide it or will you remember this incident and too be afraid to broach him?

It’s not tiredness, it’s violence, control and bullying and you didn’t bring any of that behaviour upon yourself.
Awful.

newnamethanks · 07/05/2022 08:20

He is vile and I feel very sorry for you. Don't have any more children with him, he's not fit to live with them. When you feel calmer, review your position. Make plans.

Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 08:21

He could have covid which for me gave me the worst fatigue I’ve ever had and I was very snappy which isn’t like me.
But I didn’t act anything like him.

His behaviour was completely unacceptable!
No matter how shitty me or any of my ex’s behaviour was none of us would ever tell the other one to die.

Im sorry OP but he just doesn’t like you.
The way he acted and spoke tells you this but this also confirms it:

Being off work isnt good for him. His paternity leave wasn’t great and it was actually better when he went back to work.

Most people love having time off work.
If he gets stressed out when he’s around you too much then this is not a healthy relationship.

I know you have a baby together but I think it’s time to consider your options.
I wouldn’t want to waste my time in an unhappy relationship.

dottiedodah · 07/05/2022 08:45

Im just wondering who the 1 % are who voted YABU! Of course he is being an arsehole! He doesnt seem to appreciate you at all .Maybe re think your RL if he doesnt shape up

zen1 · 07/05/2022 08:51

Please make plans to leave him OP. It may seem hard, but ultimately you will be doing what is best for you and your baby, who is relying on you to protect him / her. Even if you do evade getting physically assaulted by this bully, you are being emotionally and verbally abused and he has shown he is capable of violence. You don’t want your child growing up in fear of him too or learning that their father’s behaviour is normal or acceptable.

HailAdrian · 07/05/2022 08:54

Not only is he an arsehole, he's a disgusting, abusive arsehole.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/05/2022 09:00

There is no way on God's green earth I'd put up with a man who does this. He is a thug and a bully.

LorW · 07/05/2022 09:18

If my husband ever treat me like that he would be out the door quicker than you could say divorce.

what a dreadful way to behave, completely and utterly abusive.

Dont very often say this but please LTB. More than anything imagine your child growing up and having to watch their dad go on like that.

Haveatakeaway · 07/05/2022 09:22

You don't deserve that at all, it sounds so scary.
Is he supposed to pay for the meal tonight? will he be angry if you don't want to go?

SheWoreYellow · 07/05/2022 09:22

Apart from the awful aggressive behaviour, if he was still awake (was it your OH or the baby still awake?), why wasn’t he dealing with the baby?
If you’re in the house and awake and you hear the baby, you deal with them, rather than the person who is sleeping!
Was he just in from work? If not, why the hell was he still up?

Original poster
MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 09:53

Thanks again everyone.

yes I do have my own finances. I’m not financially abused I just meant I’m skint the usual mat leave way and all bills rising sort of way.

me and baby are up now. Dickhead still lying on couch where he’s been all night. Looks like it’s the silent treatment for me. Going to get us both ready and head out for the day

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/05/2022 09:56

You have had a baby with a very nasty abusive man.

This is who he is.

Your poor baby.

Have you family or friends to support you?

Please call Womens aid for a chat.

He is awful and this is not a future you want for your child.

You both deserve better.

MangoBiscuit · 07/05/2022 10:07

If exH had done that to me, I would have called the police.

I'm so sorry you're going though that OP.

sashh · 07/05/2022 10:20

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 09:53

Thanks again everyone.

yes I do have my own finances. I’m not financially abused I just meant I’m skint the usual mat leave way and all bills rising sort of way.

me and baby are up now. Dickhead still lying on couch where he’s been all night. Looks like it’s the silent treatment for me. Going to get us both ready and head out for the day

Have a good day out.

But you know what will happen when you get back don't you? He will find some way to twist it into something you did.

Sorry to put a downer on your day, but if a stranger on the internet can predict his actions then you know you have a problem.

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/05/2022 10:23

Do you have anywhere to go? Just for a few nights?

His behaviour isn’t ok. No excuses.

I remember someone on here telling me that my children were learning about relationships by watching my abusive xh. It was the lightbulb moment that I needed. It was easy but it was easier without him.

Look after yourself @MrsSugar

Moon22 · 07/05/2022 10:26

Very uncomfortable to read this.
I'm sure you're shaken up.
There certainly needs to be a conversation and an apology from him. I don't think the answer is always 'leave immediately.' Is it a one off? Is he sorry? Is he going to change? Or is it a pattern of shitty behaviour?
As others have said, tiredness is not an excuse to be a crap partner. If it's ongoing, you would be better off- probably happier and safer without him.

butternutbiscuits · 07/05/2022 10:29

Makes me sad so many threads with people putting up with horrible excuses of men

You know you’d be better off without him so take steps to make that happen and then enjoy being without the stress and misery he brings you

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2022 10:31

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 05:45

Thanks for all your replies ensuring me that I’m not over dramatic and that ge is out of order. He’s been off work unwell a few days this week and that coupled with tiredness is how he behaves. Being off work isnt good for him. His paternity leave wasn’t great and it was actually better when he went back to work. I’ve not spoken to him but I know how it will go. He will say it’s my fault for being so careless that I can’t find my glasses , ignore it completely and ask why I’m so miserable or he will apologise. We were meant to be going out for a meal tonight but tbh I’m also not feeling too well n would rather not. I feel totally done in tbh. I am skint. I try so hard to be a good wife n mum. I really don’t ask for much at all. Literally basic help in the house which I don’t often get. Just feel so so tired with it all

yeah I get that a lot too. “I actually work what is it u do all day” I look after our child, washings, cleaning, cooking etc.

You're skint?

Would he expect you to pay half?

How do your finances work?

Red flags are flying...

LakieLady · 07/05/2022 10:32

Well, YANBU - he IS an arsehole. And an abusive one at that.

You deserve better, and so does your baby.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 07/05/2022 10:34

Try and have a good day OP. Also think about what you can do and where you can go long term. You also have to realise that as your child gets older they will see his behaviour and it isn't ok. Social services may get involved if it's reported or your child says something.

dottymac · 07/05/2022 10:38

Absolutely not trying to defend the situation at all, but I do remember very vividly in the deepest darkest times with little kids, in the middle of the night ME shouting similar obscenities to my OH. I certainly didn't mean it and can't excuse it but it was very much a reflex action in a highly sleep deprived state as I'm a very nice person when I'm not utterly exhausted. I guess it's all about how he is in general. I do think back and cringe,.you wonder how you can ever possibly get through those hard times. Hope you managed to sort it out today and your baby feels better. 🤞

Original poster
MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 10:42

Tried to have a conversation with him but he’s behaving like a petulant teenager. Says I was making excuses… I literally cannot see very well at all without my glasses but apparently he put the light on as surely that would help me see. Also apparently he could nappy change with eyes shut. Also if I didn’t have so much shite on my bedside blah blah. Basically getting grunts for replies.

Baby fed and ready just myself to get ready. Will need to think
About next moves etc. it’s just so disappointing to be treated like shit. Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect but I don’t treat ppl badly !

OP posts:
pictish · 07/05/2022 10:47

So he’s shifting focus, minimising, justifying and taking you down with him is he? Rather than own up to his intimidating behaviour.
It’s not good, I’m sorry. He thinks it’s fine. He’s annoyed that you’ve brought it up again.

Cakecakecheese · 07/05/2022 10:51

Told you to fuck off and die
Threw things at you
Blames you for his bad behaviour
Possible financial abuse? I might overreaching but you said 'I'm skint' rather than 'we're skint'
A 'what do you do all day' person. LOOKING AFTER A SMALL CHILD IS WORK! It drives me mad when people think it's an easy life.
Belittles you
Thinks you're exaggerating

I've probably missed some but honestly look at all that. You might say he's wonderful when he's not doing all that but the fact is someone wonderful doesn't behave like that, even if they're 'tired.

Please get help, you deserve better than this.