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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my “DH” is an arsehole

104 replies

MrsSugar · 07/05/2022 03:42

Our baby is almost 6 months and loaded with the cold. He was still up at 2:30am whilst we slept: baby woke so asked him to bring a bottle: I then was struggling to find my glasses on bedside table(Obvz because I literally can’t see and they were not where I usually get it them) anyway I’m changing baby and asked him to look to which he slams on the big light. Throws bedside crib aside, sweeps everything off bedside table throws them at me saying I’m sick of u: I burst into tears with the fright I got only to told to fuck off and die: this is how he behaves when he is tired. AIBU to think u can’t behave like this because your tired ? AIBU to ask for a hand in the night occasionally ?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/05/2022 11:01

OP,

You do realise that throwing things at you is assaulting you?

This is NoT normal behaviour.

He is highly abusive and violent.

Call Womens aid and ask them if his behaviour is abusive and violent.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 07/05/2022 11:11

Is there a reason for him to be extremely tired ? Just read back if he's got manflu that's gonna be amplified.
Why wasn't he asleep ? Sometimes it makes more sense to split the shift I.e he be asleep then switch over so you can sleep both better rested then.

It's not going to be a popular opinion but I think these problems are often because of opposites idea of roles. I e - I hate my partner doing any domestic chores and the changing,feeding waking nights of the kiddles and house is my job. His part of the kidles is the fun playing part. He works ft and pays most things. I work when I want. His thoughts sync up with mine so we never have issues over it. One rare times I've been sick or if they're all having a rough time ( 4 total of them 3 sen ) he will help instantly with no upset.

These days people are split on gender roles and expectations and that's totally fine but whenever I see these types of thread my first thought is they have conflicting ideas of how things are should be going. Have you ever chatted about roles ?

Despite this his actions are not okay he can't have a temper tantrum like that.

Copperpottle · 07/05/2022 11:33

That's not a minor act. You might think it is, being stuck in a relationship with a violent man, but to those of us in normal relationships that's about as close to a deal-breaker as it gets.

He will continue to escalate while he knows you will permit it. There's a reason the health visitors do all those domestic violence chats. Men abuse pregnant women and mothers of newborns because they think they'll never leave.

Herejustforthisone · 07/05/2022 12:37

He’s an abusive cunt.

I don’t buy into the idea that tiredness and being off work are ‘not good for him’. He’s an adult man with self control. He’s choosing to be abusive to you.

Therefore he’s a cunt and you should leave. Life with him will be grim.

avocadotofu · 07/05/2022 12:54

He definitely sounds abusive, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this!

HungryKoala · 07/05/2022 12:59

He needs to go. He will always have some excuse for his abusive behaviour, be it tiredness, illness, stress, etc. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 13:58

When it’s less stressful being single - be single.

A partner is meant to enhance your life, not make it more difficult.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 07/05/2022 14:04

He's a complete arsehole. Leave him to it with the baby today as it's the same ad doing nothing. I get you are skint but make a flask of coffee go to the park and people watch. Take some time out for yourself. I wouldn't bother going out with him tonight, tell him you're busy tidying your bed side locker

Burgoo · 07/05/2022 14:04

Firstly no you aren't being unreasonable. He sounds like a rather unpleasant chap.

Tiredness isn't a reason to act like that.

That said, I am wondering what's going on with him. Something prompts all behaviour. I admit I was a horrible person in the months following the birth of my child. I was grumpy, irritable, hostile and shouty - completely out of character for me. I found the whole change in my life too much to even manage and I wanted to escape the whole situation. Now I am fine though it took a good few months before I levelled back out.

I suspect he is probably depressed as this doesn't sound normal. I'd be curious as to whats going on there. Is this typical of him or completely new? If its new I would get him to see his GP. If its normal then I say (like others have) to get out.

Burgoo · 07/05/2022 14:05

@Teaandtoastedbiscuits

Leave a baby with a man who gets furious and throws furniture? Are you sure that's wise?

femfemlicious · 07/05/2022 14:07

OMG...thats terrible. Does he always behave like that?. Any chance of marriage counselling?

LannieDuck · 07/05/2022 15:48

Why wouldn't he just sort baby out himself if he's already awake? Why did you need to wake up at all?

LuluBlakey1 · 08/05/2022 07:43

You are minimising this OP, as if his behaviour is within a 'normal' range. It isn't.
It is uncontrolled rage and bullying.
You haven't said he had any good points yet you seem to be staying.
Please be careful.

cantyfunt · 08/05/2022 07:53

My first ever LTB

If he's so tired then suggest he fuck off some where else and leave you and baby to get on with it.

Absolutely no way in hell I would be staying with a man that treated me and my DC like that.

Please properly consider your options.

BrilloSolar · 08/05/2022 09:10

If you were sitting in a library and asked a stranger to pass you something and they started throwing things at you and your baby and told you to fuck off and die, what would you think? Would it be OK if they had been up all night at work? Why is it acceptable from someone who is meant to love and respect you more than anyone else in the world?

You still say 'I'm' skint because of mat leave, rather than 'we're' skint. So it may be a good idea to have a think about what this actually means.

I hope you manage to have a nice day, but that this is also the start of your exit plan. How many years will you put up with it? When will you finally leave? Will you still be with him when it is your child walking on eggshells around him, scared to put a foot wrong because of the consequences, no memories of lovely family holidays because their dad doesn't cope being off work, being verbally abused or worse, and just trying their best every day to be a good child.

Mirrorball2022 · 08/05/2022 09:21

Hope you are ok @MrsSugar like many have said don’t excuse his behaviour tired or not it’s not on And could be the start of worse. You’ve had a lot of sensible advice on here. In a calm moment re read this thread and if this was happening to a friend or sibling what would you advise?

DogsAndGin · 08/05/2022 09:23

MyCatIsAJerk · 07/05/2022 05:04

Well, it’s 100% that he’s an arsehole, @MrsSugar.

But that doesn’t solve your problem. What would happen if you waited until he wasn’t tired and laid down the law? And told him you’ve had it with the disrespect and tossing of furniture and all the rest of the crap?

He’s doing it because you’re allowing it. Tell him it’s unacceptable and the next time he does it, you’ll “_.” Then decide what consequences you’re willing to lay down AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM.

Otherwise, it’s just BS. And he’ll keep repeating the same childish, abusive behaviour.

Show quote history

There doesn’t need to be a next time though. Report the incident to the police, and seek alternative living arrangements. Sorry OP, but that relationship would be over in my eyes. If DH as much as raised his arm to throw something at me it would be over. Your H has thrown things at you, verbally abused you, and wished you dead. What more do you want to happen ‘next time’ before it’s enough for you to leave him?

REPORT TO THE POLICE, AND LEAVE

AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 09:28

Your baby is at risk if you stay with this abusive and violent man

DogsAndGin · 08/05/2022 09:32

OP is there any update? We are all concerned about you. Have you left him yet? Are police involved? Have you got anywhere to go? @MrsSugar

Original poster
MrsSugar · 08/05/2022 10:07

I have sat down and spoken to him seriously and said that the behaviour is absolutely not on. I said how would u feel If someone spoke and behaved to our child the way u did to me ? He has says he feels ashamed and that he is feeling very stressed mentally and has another health issue atm. I’ve told him that I cannot put up with anymore of this shit so never again. Especially as I wouldn’t want my child to feel scared. He has agreed to work on himself. Will see how it goes. Thank you all for ur supportive words and concern

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 10:20

What form does this “work” on himself take ?

billy1966 · 08/05/2022 10:39

OP,

His stress is not a reason to assault you by throwing things at you, be abusive and violent in your home.

This can be reported to the police and should be.

The next time, and there will be a next time, he kicks off and becomes violent and abusive, call the police and have him removed.

If you stay with him and this behaviour, you are knowingly subjecting your child to a violent home.

This is not acceptable.

You and your baby deserve better than this violent abusive waster.

Tell family and friends what is going on.

Pugdogmom · 08/05/2022 11:00

My DH can be a grumpy barsteward ( as can I), but he has never thrown stuff in his life, or ever told me to fuck off and die. He has too much respect for me to do that.
I had an ex who acted like that. Reason he is an ex. I would still be extremely wary of someone like that, because as sure as eggs are eggs, there will be a next time.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 08/05/2022 11:25

MrsSugar · 08/05/2022 10:07

I have sat down and spoken to him seriously and said that the behaviour is absolutely not on. I said how would u feel If someone spoke and behaved to our child the way u did to me ? He has says he feels ashamed and that he is feeling very stressed mentally and has another health issue atm. I’ve told him that I cannot put up with anymore of this shit so never again. Especially as I wouldn’t want my child to feel scared. He has agreed to work on himself. Will see how it goes. Thank you all for ur supportive words and concern

You are very strong & assertive 👊👌😚stand firm and glad you set your boundaries xxx

SmallPrawnEnergy · 08/05/2022 11:30

MrsSugar · 08/05/2022 10:07

I have sat down and spoken to him seriously and said that the behaviour is absolutely not on. I said how would u feel If someone spoke and behaved to our child the way u did to me ? He has says he feels ashamed and that he is feeling very stressed mentally and has another health issue atm. I’ve told him that I cannot put up with anymore of this shit so never again. Especially as I wouldn’t want my child to feel scared. He has agreed to work on himself. Will see how it goes. Thank you all for ur supportive words and concern

You’ll be back here within a few weeks. Don’t be gullible for the sake of your child. I grew up in a household with this kind of angry pig and it’s absolutely caused me mental health issues. You want to put yourself through aggressive episodes and gaslighting, fine, but your child deserves better