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To think my DH should be able to cook while I have bad pregnancy sickness
152

UsernameA1B2 · 06/05/2022 01:30

I'm 15 weeks pregnant with dc 2. I still have bad sickness that's all day. I can't stand alot of food smells, especially cooking smells and it can make me instantly need to run to bathroom to be sick. My diet is terrible. I weigh less now than before I was pregnant with dc 1. At the last scan the baby was smaller than expected so I'm really worried about my diet and if I'm getting enough vitamins/ minerals/ protein etc. I'm also exhausted (no doubt the bad diet isn't helping) and a sahm to dc1 who is 4 (not yet at school) and autistic and a handful. Before my pregnancy sickness I did all the from scratch cooking (fresh meat and vegetables) and cleaning. My husband can't cook anything other than frozen ready meals and the house is a tip at the moment. The living room gets covered with toys and books and gets worse until I tidy it up. AIBU to think it's not that hard to cook and make something like a bolognese and my husband should be cooking some non ready meal foods while I am pregnant and can't stomach alot of cooking smells and I'm exhausted. He is 36 years old and can't cook (other than heating ready meal food in oven), clean (over than something like hoover but he can't clean bathroom, kitchen, windows etc. I had to scrub bathrub at 8 and a half months pregnant. Once I asked him to clean sink and he wiped it down with toilet paper), do DIY (I have to ask my dad for help especially if it requires 2 people) or drive. He has dyspraxia. Yes I'm a sahm but surely at his age he should be able to do these things for occasions when I am unable due to bad pregnancy sickness or illness. Last year I was bed ridden for a week with the worse stomach bug I have ever had. I couldn't keep anything down for 2 days (was dehydrated) and barely ate for a week. I slept and woke up every few hours to use bathroom for a week. My DH and son lived on ready meals and pizza for a week. No fresh vegetables at all. The house was a complete tip as well.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2022 01:35

Of course he can cook and clean. Any functioning adult is capable of managing these two things. He just won't because that's your job in his mind. Yet another useless man who has no doubt been allowed to get away with this bullshit, and only when things go tits up does their partner admit how useless and selfish they are.

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tortadicarote · 06/05/2022 01:45

He's being lazy. In this day of Internet and YouTube, he can find step-by-step instructions with video of how to cook something simple. There are lots of things you can eat that don't require much cooking, especially as the weather warms up and hot food is less "necessary". It might not be his favourite thing to do, cooking and cleaning, but he can do at least the essentials.

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ReeseWitherfork · 06/05/2022 01:46

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2022 01:35

Of course he can cook and clean. Any functioning adult is capable of managing these two things. He just won't because that's your job in his mind. Yet another useless man who has no doubt been allowed to get away with this bullshit, and only when things go tits up does their partner admit how useless and selfish they are.

Yes, this really.

My husband gets a bit flustered in the kitchen and can’t really be bothered with the whole process (including thinking of what to actually cook!). So we rely on gousto/hello fresh to make sure he can do his 50% of the cooking. Hey presto, solution that isn’t “he doesn’t do it”.

Also, think there’s a little bit of lowering your standards to be done. Why on earth did your bathtub need a scrubbing when you were 8.5 months pregnant? Surely you could have just left it?

Sorry you’re feeling crap OP. Hope the sickness goes soon.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2022 01:48

Presumably you've treated all of this as your job for years. Since the beginning of the relationship, before children. You're asking him to change into an entirely different person overnight.

He should, he can. He doesn't want to. You can google how to deals a toilet FFS.

However this is what you chose. Just why?

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ArcheryAnnie · 06/05/2022 01:48

He's a grownup, not a child. He should be cooking his fair share of family meals whether you are ill or not. If he doesn't know how, he should roll his sleeves up and learn.

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MarJau26 · 06/05/2022 02:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2022 01:48

Presumably you've treated all of this as your job for years. Since the beginning of the relationship, before children. You're asking him to change into an entirely different person overnight.

He should, he can. He doesn't want to. You can google how to deals a toilet FFS.

However this is what you chose. Just why?

Yes op. Please ask yourself why as that's where the problem is.

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Thepeopleversuswork · 06/05/2022 04:01

The more relevant question is why you are putting up with this lazy entitled man child?

Wouldn’t your life be far easier and more pleasant without someone who basically treats you like his mum? He sounds horrific tbh.

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KatherineJaneway · 06/05/2022 04:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2022 01:48

Presumably you've treated all of this as your job for years. Since the beginning of the relationship, before children. You're asking him to change into an entirely different person overnight.

He should, he can. He doesn't want to. You can google how to deals a toilet FFS.

However this is what you chose. Just why?

Totally

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marcopront · 06/05/2022 04:53

After you scrubbed the bathtub at 8.5 months pregnant did you have any conversation with him about how it had to be different next time?

Yes of course he should be cooking et but you know what he is like.

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PinkSyCo · 06/05/2022 05:10

You knew what he was like before you had children with him presumably?

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mathanxiety · 06/05/2022 05:11

This is a case of strategic incompetence.

Also, he is a selfish, self-absorbed, lazy dick and you need to sit him down and tell him that in the loudest and most angry way possible.

What was he like the first time you were pregnant and in the newborn period?
Is he capable of holding down a job?
If so, is there feedback on his job performance that is similar to your appraisal of his performance at home?

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Oystercatcher · 06/05/2022 05:17

My husband is also barely capable of boiling an egg, but agree with @ReeseWitherfork have you tried meal kits? Even my DH has had surprising success with those.

I think some of these responses are overly judgmental, if you have been SAHM perhaps your DH has been focused on career and this has been your division of labour, that it OK. It doesn't mean your DH is a 'child' or 'how can you live like this'. But, it is hard to change behaviour when your pattern is so engrained. Try the meal kits. Can you afford a cleaner?

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doingitforthegirls · 06/05/2022 05:19

Also, he is a selfish, self-absorbed, lazy dick and you need to sit him down and tell him that in the loudest and most angry way possible.

That's a bit harsh. He does go out to work to enable the OP to be a STAHM
Lots of people can't cook

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 06/05/2022 05:31

Another saying the same thing. He could learn, he doesnt want to.

insuggest you go back to work and. Equally parent and keep the house work done. Draw up a rota of what exactly that will look like.

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Angrybymyself · 06/05/2022 05:39

Doesn't take much skill to chop some vegetables unto a salad. I think it's less he can't and more that he won't

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Blarting · 06/05/2022 05:46

He can't cook except to heat ready meals, that's not cooking.

Why had this been going on so long?

Ridiculous and he's playing you, of course he can put together a salad, that's also not cooking!

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Vikinga · 06/05/2022 05:52

He's a grown man, of course he can do it, he just doesn't want to. If he can read or watch a cooking video then he can cook.

And he can wipe and mop and hoover so he can clean. And he can put stuff away.

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girlmom21 · 06/05/2022 05:56

I got home from work yesterday. DP had collected the DC's from nursery and fed them, and had our dinner cooking which he'd chosen to make especially because he knows it's my favourite. I'm not pregnant - he's just not a knob and that's not something that should need to be applauded (apart from the favourite meal thing, that was nice)

Raise your standards and tell him to step up.

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debbrianna · 06/05/2022 06:09

It makes sense you are sahm. I bet he found somone to do all that for him. Your pregnancy and morning sickness is an inconvenience for him. You know who married and talking about him regarding what he can and can't do, will not help.

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justfiveminutes · 06/05/2022 06:17

I thought he was refusing to prepare meals from your title but do you mean that he won't cook from scratch and prefers, say, a frozen lasagne or fishfingers?

Because I don't think that's too bad really. Plenty of people eat meals like that. If you usually do the cooking, it's a short-term thing. He could learn to cook from scratch but has no interest in it, so doesn't want to, and I think that's ok.

But if you are too ill to clean then he should be stepping up there. As someone who works full time it might not be to your usual SAHM standards but he should be doing it if you can't. It shouldn't be necessary but perhaps you need to stand over him and give him instructions the first time, like I did with my kids.

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DockOTheBay · 06/05/2022 06:22

Could you get some good quality ready meals so you're eating decent stuff at least. Like Cook meals, or Charlie Bingham?

I'm sure he could cook basic meals if he wanted to, but it doesn't sound like he's going to change more when he's got away with being "unable" for this long.

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Philisophigal · 06/05/2022 06:31

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

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LightningAndRainbows · 06/05/2022 06:33

Try one of those boxes where they send you all the stuff you need already measured out? Make it as easy as you can for him? The problem is he can do it he just won't.

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LightningAndRainbows · 06/05/2022 06:35

he can't clean bathroom, kitchen, windows etc he can. He won't. Maybe not to the same standard you do it but he can do it. Maybe get a cleaner in?

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DDivaStar · 06/05/2022 06:35

Of course he can and should help cook and clean. Why did you not get him doing more after he was useless last time ? Why are you expecting him to be different when you haven't pulled him up on it.

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