To think my DH should be able to cook while I have bad pregnancy sickness

[UsernameA1B2]

I'm 15 weeks pregnant with dc 2. I still have bad sickness that's all day. I can't stand alot of food smells, especially cooking smells and it can make me instantly need to run to bathroom to be sick. My diet is terrible. I weigh less now than before I was pregnant with dc 1. At the last scan the baby was smaller than expected so I'm really worried about my diet and if I'm getting enough vitamins/ minerals/ protein etc. I'm also exhausted (no doubt the bad diet isn't helping) and a sahm to dc1 who is 4 (not yet at school) and autistic and a handful. Before my pregnancy sickness I did all the from scratch cooking (fresh meat and vegetables) and cleaning. My husband can't cook anything other than frozen ready meals and the house is a tip at the moment. The living room gets covered with toys and books and gets worse until I tidy it up. AIBU to think it's not that hard to cook and make something like a bolognese and my husband should be cooking some non ready meal foods while I am pregnant and can't stomach alot of cooking smells and I'm exhausted. He is 36 years old and can't cook (other than heating ready meal food in oven), clean (over than something like hoover but he can't clean bathroom, kitchen, windows etc. I had to scrub bathrub at 8 and a half months pregnant. Once I asked him to clean sink and he wiped it down with toilet paper), do DIY (I have to ask my dad for help especially if it requires 2 people) or drive. He has dyspraxia. Yes I'm a sahm but surely at his age he should be able to do these things for occasions when I am unable due to bad pregnancy sickness or illness. Last year I was bed ridden for a week with the worse stomach bug I have ever had. I couldn't keep anything down for 2 days (was dehydrated) and barely ate for a week. I slept and woke up every few hours to use bathroom for a week. My DH and son lived on ready meals and pizza for a week. No fresh vegetables at all. The house was a complete tip as well.

Every man can cook, clean, do laundry, childcare, shopping as well as any women. If they choose not it, you have a problem.

You married him. Bit late now.

Sorry you are feeling so ill but I've put YABU as he has form and it's been asked to continue, this isn't a new revelation.

You need to just take the path of least resistance (IE him cobbling together anything edible and house being less tidy than you'd like) until you are starting to feel better then have a serious discussion about division of labour.

It's taken both of you to get to this stage.

He could do it, but he chooses not to. And you chose him choosing not to, so he’s hardly going to suddenly pull it out of the bag now, is he? And let me guess, just like you let him get away with it after your stomach bug, you’ll let him get away with it after this pregnancy phase passes? 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU. He is a man child.

Nothing wrong with frozen food. Lots of veg options he can microwave. Ready meals all the time not so good but a packet of steam veg with a frozen cottage pie, why not. Throwing stuff in a slow cooker and ending up with a nice casserole is easy (though may be an issue if the smell makes you sick), warmer weather so time for salads.

Is it his dyspraxia or are making excuses for his laziness, you decide. It was OH taught me to cook and is still a better cook (I make better scones though - his mum taught me). It doesn't take much to clean the bathroom once its clean, ho ought to be able to do that.

Another pig of a man.

Poor you.

This.
Why are you having another child with him.

Being a lazy sexist arse isn't classified as a disability.

Dyspraxia is.

He should however appreciate that the OP is having it very tough at the moment and work together with her to manage the household to the best of their abilities.

Dyspraxia and autism very often go together. You say you oldest child has autism. Does your husband have that too ?

YouTube is fantastic for quick and easy meal ideas. We use it all the time.

I think he’s being really unreasonable to expect to have you still do this in your current state.

i would just take a stand and do absolutely nothing and make him realise what you do in the house…and hope he notices. I know it will be hard esp the cleaning part.

im 35 weeks pregnant at the moment and really struggling with tasks. Been off sick a few weeks and I’ve been doing the nursery run, food shops, cleaning and making dinners and I’m starting to slow down. I don’t feel one bit guilty. I’ve told my partner he needs to help a bit more and stop with taking homers on after his work. He agrees and I know the next few weeks will be more manageable.

good luck and I really hope this subsides for you. My friend had same sickness and it sounded awful.

YANBU based on your whole thread. He sounds v lazy

50/50 based on the opening post though. Quite a few people don’t cook. They can, in theory. But they don’t. The alternative isn’t pizza and ready meals however it’s various takeaway. Or ‘half-takeaways’ (like ordering spare ribs to go with baked potatoiest/rice)

I’m sorry I just don’t buy the idea that anyone “can’t” grill some fish and put some peas or broccoli into a pan of hot water. Dyspraxia or whatever doesn’t change that.

He just thinks it’s the OP’s job.

Of course he should be able to feed you, but you're unreasonable in expecting a man who doesn't cook to suddenly start prepping meals from scratch overnight.

It's OK to eat ready meals sometimes. It's not going to hurt you or the baby.

As for simple dishes - if it's just the smell that bothers you, can you write down some instructions for genuinely simple dishes so he can follow those?

Would you be OK to show him how to cook if you video called him in the kitchen from another room in the house, i.e. away from the smell, but not from the sight? Do either of you have a friend or relative (e.g. a parent) who can cook who would be prepared to help him instead? Could they show him in person or video call him? Learning to cook (admittedly, usually done earlier in life) can be a confidence thing, and some people need that comfort blanket of an experienced cook answering stupid questions the first couple of times they give it a go.

He needs to step up now you're unwell, but you also need to help him to step up wherever it's possible/practical. No one can radically become a different person without any warning or support.

As he is still presumably working full time I don't think it unreasonable that he isn't cooking and cleaning to your levels on top if that.

He will need to start stepping up but I dont think it fair to call him lazy and useless.

My 9 year old daughter can make spaghetti bolognese from scratch and also bake cakes etc.
I'm sure your DH could if he wanted to, it's not hard. Just follow a recipe online with a step by step video.
As for cleaning the house, surely that's common sense.
Personally I would not marry anyone who couldn't look after themselves otherwise you're just basically taking on another "child" to support and making your life harder than necessary.
Tell him to buck up or show him the door, is he any use at all?

He "can't" cook = He won't cook
He "can't" clean = He won't clean

After the baby is born and you feel better please stop doing things for him. Cool for you and your DC, and he can fend for himself.

Anyone who says they can’t cook is a lazy bastard. It is not difficult to learn how to cook, it certainly isn’t difficult to follow a basic recipe. I had to teach myself when I left home at 16, I didn’t have anyone around to show me and now I’m a pretty decent cook if I say so myself.

It isn’t difficult and a man in his thirties should be able to cook. He’s only saying it because you or someone else (guessing his Mother) has always done it for him and he can’t be arsed. Send him links to some easy healthy recipes and tell him to follow the basic instructions, the lazy git.

When I was pregnant with my second and bed bound with HG, my partner was run off his feet caring for our son and me whilst holding down a full time job. The house was disgusting but hardly his fault. It was one of the most difficult bits of our life and he was totally burnt out. When I felt better I ordered a full house clean service to blitz everything. You're in survival mode right now.

Oh christ , this isn’t acceptable from him at all.

Ive had three pregnancies where I was basically useless from 8 weeks until birth as I had such severe sickness that even anti sickness medications wouldn’t touch (my consultant tried the ALL).

Mu husband did everything. As well as working full time. He batch cooked a lot which helped.

He pulls his weight anyway, but when I was pregnant and sick he did it all. Sickness and health and all that. And generally not being a tosser.

I don’t accept when a grown adult says they “can’t” do something, things like cooking and cleaning, it’s jut laughable. He needs to grow up.

And accepted this useless through the marriage, dc 1 and now dc2. She has no right to complain about a situation she is consciously and continues to choose.

I don't think I even went in the kitchen for a few months, food just randomly appeared 😂

I very he'd give a way to manage if he lived alone, or before you were together. Its strategic incompetence and it's never been a priority for him to learn, because he can palm it off to a woman instead 🫤

There is a third easy though between ready meals and coming from scratch. Simple meals like sausages and mash he can do from scratch, but he can use jar sauces etc, and then if confident he can build up from there.

Its not your job to train him in basic life survival skills, especially when ill, though for everyone's sanity, and edibility, pointing him in the right direction might be useful.

Dyspraxia and autism very often go together. You say you oldest child has autism. Does your husband have that too ?
I was going to say this. Not because I think he is lazy and useless but because in my experience asd in our kids doesn't spring from no where. These things are often far more complicated than the simple 'lazy and useless' that people like to trot out.

My dh has asd and when I was extremely ill he tried but he couldn't spring from me being the main carer of the children to him stepping up and doing doing everything as I could overnight, it just isn't realistic. Simple things like making sure there was plenty of fruit and veg sticks in the fridge to offset the freezer dinners helped. Also breaking things down into small task so he doesn't get overwhelmed helps too. So rather than 'clean the bathroom' break it down into what needs to be done and say there is cloths for x here and sprays for y there.

Everybody's brain works differently and for some people it just isn't realistic to expect them to step out of the routine they are used to which seems to be you do everything house and child related and just be able to step flawlessly into another. When you marry someone ND you have to expect that not everything will flow like it might in an NT/NT marriage.

Could you chop the raw veggies and get frozen onions and he just has to add everything? I know dyspraxia can be a nightmare but it sounds a mix of out of comfort zone and and not being clear how, and dyspraxia making it hard.

I stopped cooking when I lived with my ex because he was a real foodie and so, so critical of everything. The OP is a cook from scratch person, so it's possible her OH also feels a bit judged before he's begun.

It's not always laziness.

I cooked before my ex, and I cooked after him, but whilst we were living together, I didn't feel good enough to take the lead in the kitchen. (Which is part of a wider story of why he's my ex.)

'No one showed me so I had to work it out myself' isn't very sympathetic. Just because you did things the hard way doesn't mean everyone else should have to mimic your struggle. If there's someone in the bloke's life who can help show him what he's doing, why shouldn't he have a bit more support?

If one of my mates really didn't have a clue, I'd be more than happy to walk them through some basic recipes. I wouldn't criticise the bloke here for not knowing what to do, but I would criticise him if he really wasn't prepared to try to learn. He can't change overnight.