To think my DH should be able to cook while I have bad pregnancy sickness

[UsernameA1B2]

I'm 15 weeks pregnant with dc 2. I still have bad sickness that's all day. I can't stand alot of food smells, especially cooking smells and it can make me instantly need to run to bathroom to be sick. My diet is terrible. I weigh less now than before I was pregnant with dc 1. At the last scan the baby was smaller than expected so I'm really worried about my diet and if I'm getting enough vitamins/ minerals/ protein etc. I'm also exhausted (no doubt the bad diet isn't helping) and a sahm to dc1 who is 4 (not yet at school) and autistic and a handful. Before my pregnancy sickness I did all the from scratch cooking (fresh meat and vegetables) and cleaning. My husband can't cook anything other than frozen ready meals and the house is a tip at the moment. The living room gets covered with toys and books and gets worse until I tidy it up. AIBU to think it's not that hard to cook and make something like a bolognese and my husband should be cooking some non ready meal foods while I am pregnant and can't stomach alot of cooking smells and I'm exhausted. He is 36 years old and can't cook (other than heating ready meal food in oven), clean (over than something like hoover but he can't clean bathroom, kitchen, windows etc. I had to scrub bathrub at 8 and a half months pregnant. Once I asked him to clean sink and he wiped it down with toilet paper), do DIY (I have to ask my dad for help especially if it requires 2 people) or drive. He has dyspraxia. Yes I'm a sahm but surely at his age he should be able to do these things for occasions when I am unable due to bad pregnancy sickness or illness. Last year I was bed ridden for a week with the worse stomach bug I have ever had. I couldn't keep anything down for 2 days (was dehydrated) and barely ate for a week. I slept and woke up every few hours to use bathroom for a week. My DH and son lived on ready meals and pizza for a week. No fresh vegetables at all. The house was a complete tip as well.

For those saying there are simple ways around things for somebody with dyspraxia actually figuring that out is quite difficult! Praxis difficulties (which go hand in hand with dyspraxia) mean you have difficulties knowing what you want to do, figuring out how you’re going to do it and then doing it, plus difficulties with fine motor and coordination, possible sensory difficulties, burn out, fatigue etc.

For those without any understanding of dyspraxia I can see how you may think it’s as simple as finding the simplest way to do something but it isn’t. It doesn’t mean somebody can’t be lazy also but it’s probably far more complicated than that.

I don’t have dyspraxia I work in paediatrics with children who do and it can be very debilitating and misunderstood. It can take years to master simple tasks and often then that involves using small kitchen aids, written plans etc, phone apps, and if you don’t have access to services that help with this or people around you who understand and encourage independence with appropriate strategies from childhood then you get dealt a bit of a shit hand.

Totally agree on the pregnancy sickness. I couldn’t even look at the fridge a lot of the time when I was that ill. I really would not have been bustling about cutting up veg and guiding my husband through easy step-by-step instructions for how to make a meal or how to clean a toilet, to spare the poor darling having to look it up on YouTube, the way some people are recommending the OP do here.

Maybe it is more difficult for him due to dyspraxia. But it sounds like the problem isn’t that he tries but struggles - it’s that he isn’t even trying at all.

There are weekends...

@Ted27

Fine, but this man appears to be able to manage some "simple tasks" absolutely fine (such as ordering and consuming takeaways and preparing ready meals). He just struggles with ones that he considers to be "women's work".

I'm really sorry if it sounds like I'm being dismissive of dyspraxia because I'm really not. But the clear impression given by the OP's post is of a man who basically thinks the point of a wife is to do all the stuff in the home which you have no interest in doing.

He cherrypicks the tasks which he wants to do and conveniently palms the other ones off on his wife under the figleaf of dyspraxia. I would put money on it.

Do single people with dyspraxia find methods to cope?

Can he? Can he follow explicit instructions? IE this is the cloth you use to clean the loo.
Watch this video to see how to clean the sinks etc?

There must be techniques that will help.

I absolutely sympathise with the sickness. I did nothing virtually for 9 months

The two adults I know with dyspaxia can not live independently. No idea how common that is for adults with the condition. I had a quick look at the NHS website and it does say people can struggle with meal prep. I do think people being so certain that this man is being lazy should maybe ensure they understand the condition before condemning him. I really can't imagine the two adults I know cleaning a bathroom effectively.

Right, but is this bloke struggling with meal prep and cleaning the bathroom inefficiently? Or is he doing no meal prep and not cleaning the bathroom?

I do think there’s a fairly big difference there…

Well he does try according to the original post. He just doesn't do a good enough job in her opinion. He wiped down the sink with paper. He fed his son just not food made from scratch. She seems to suggest he can hoover. She doesn't actually complain that he doesn't try. She complains that he doesn't meet a good enough standard.

Well he does try according to the original post

Not very hard IMO.

It sounds like he wiped the sink with toilet paper on the one occasion she said “can you please wipe the sink”, to me. If he’s regularly wiping the sink but using toilet paper then I agree that would be different.

She also said that he and their 4-year-old lived on pizza and ready meals for a week, with no fresh veg at all. Okay so he didn’t starve the child, but that’s not exactly making much of an effort to feed him healthily, is it? You don’t need to be whipping up a risotto from scratch to eg boil some frozen peas, or open a can of sweetcorn and put a spoonful on the child’s plate.

If he was trying but shit at it, then ok, fair enough. But it sounds like he isn’t trying, because he either doesn’t think it’s worth doing or thinks his wife will/should do it.

I don't get mumsnet. The weird things you're not allowed to say yet a whole thread telling people with dyspraxia to buck their ideas up is fine.

We don't know how it affects him. I admit that it isn't something I know a lot about because I don't know anyone with it. But does having it make you totally incapable of doing anything practical or following simple instructions?

My very limited understanding is that it can make simple things like this very difficult. I wont say more as I might get it wrong as it really isn't something I know a lot about.

Presumably you knew all this before you had your first child so why on earth are you having another? Not every man is like this, my dh isn't and I wouldn't stand for it. You need to appreciate yourself more because life doesn't have to be that shit.

Haven't RTFT so apologies if someone has already suggested this. What about trying one of those meal services where they send you a recipe and all the ingredients pre-weighed, etc.? We're trying one as we received a special offer for 50% off for ten weeks. We get two meals a week and they've been delicious so far, only one that wasn't to our tastes.

The recipes are v. clear with plenty of photos. I'm planning to recreate some of them myself as they were so nice!

Not sure what to say about the cleaning. If you demonstrate how to clean properly, could he repeat it? Perhaps he's never been shown how to clean...my DH wasn't shown how to cook growing up (old-fashioned household, that was wimmin's work 😡) so he's had to learn over the years.

@Thepeopleversuswork

you don’t know this man, you have no idea what he considers to be ‘women’s work’ or what the impact of his dyspraxia is.

All some of us are pointing out is that the OP herself says he is dyspraxia, and that this can have a huge impact on someone’s life.
I can only go on my experience with my son, and the many other people we know with neurodiverse conditions.
My son is kind, caring, lovely young man, he is not lazy, he works hard at college, he has a Saturday job. He does his bit round the house. He makes me a lovely cup of tea several times a day.
I can’t tell you why he can retain bucket loads of facts and figures about sport, or draw the tube map from memory, yet can go into another room and forget why he went or what he was supposed to do. I can’t tell why he still can’t tie a shoelace but can drive a car.
I’ve given up trying to understand how his brain works, I focus on what he can do, not what he can’t.

There's nothing in the OP to suggest he doesn't cook from scratch or clean properly because he considers it women's work. That's projecting.

My dd is 10 and can cook and clean, he is choosing to be crap because you pick up the pieces

Doesn't look like the OP is coming back so it's all meaningless conjecture.

Are you asking this question for real?

If he can hold down a job, he can cook and clean. Any grown up can.

He's an arse.

"my husband isn't helping me to a high enough standard so please Internet strangers tell me how much of a lazy bastard he is"

Fixed the title for you

Loads of people have dyspraxia.
It doesn't stop them adulting.

He's taking the absolute piss OP.

Overly judgemental my arse.

The man has reached the grand old age of 36 & still can't boil an egg, let alone prepare a vegetable. Not for himself, not for his DC - for a WEEK.

Having one parent at home is not a justification for the working parent to not have learned the basics of nutrition, menu planning, shopping, cooking, & clearing up afterwards.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean you have to clean your own bathtub at 8.5 months pregnant because your H would prefer to let you struggle than put himself out.

The meal kits is a good idea though. But he has to go online himself, choose them, make time to use them properly, wash up after making them & in short, step the fuck up & stop taking his mummy wife for granted.

I’ve given up trying to understand how his brain works, I focus on what he can do, not what he can’t.

It's different when you are married to someone and need their help.