To think my DH should be able to cook while I have bad pregnancy sickness

[UsernameA1B2]

I'm 15 weeks pregnant with dc 2. I still have bad sickness that's all day. I can't stand alot of food smells, especially cooking smells and it can make me instantly need to run to bathroom to be sick. My diet is terrible. I weigh less now than before I was pregnant with dc 1. At the last scan the baby was smaller than expected so I'm really worried about my diet and if I'm getting enough vitamins/ minerals/ protein etc. I'm also exhausted (no doubt the bad diet isn't helping) and a sahm to dc1 who is 4 (not yet at school) and autistic and a handful. Before my pregnancy sickness I did all the from scratch cooking (fresh meat and vegetables) and cleaning. My husband can't cook anything other than frozen ready meals and the house is a tip at the moment. The living room gets covered with toys and books and gets worse until I tidy it up. AIBU to think it's not that hard to cook and make something like a bolognese and my husband should be cooking some non ready meal foods while I am pregnant and can't stomach alot of cooking smells and I'm exhausted. He is 36 years old and can't cook (other than heating ready meal food in oven), clean (over than something like hoover but he can't clean bathroom, kitchen, windows etc. I had to scrub bathrub at 8 and a half months pregnant. Once I asked him to clean sink and he wiped it down with toilet paper), do DIY (I have to ask my dad for help especially if it requires 2 people) or drive. He has dyspraxia. Yes I'm a sahm but surely at his age he should be able to do these things for occasions when I am unable due to bad pregnancy sickness or illness. Last year I was bed ridden for a week with the worse stomach bug I have ever had. I couldn't keep anything down for 2 days (was dehydrated) and barely ate for a week. I slept and woke up every few hours to use bathroom for a week. My DH and son lived on ready meals and pizza for a week. No fresh vegetables at all. The house was a complete tip as well.

[LightningAndRainbows]

Or he could start with a stirfry? They are quick and you can often buy all the bits precut in the super market.

[Hugasauras]

He sounds totally useless!

[FlowerArranger]

Was he watching you as you scrubbed the bath tub at 8.5 months pregnant....... so that he knows how to do it next time...

[purplesequins]

of course he can.

youtube and cookbooks are available for each level of cookery.
same for cleaning & diy

he doesn't want to.
and that makes him very unatractive imo

[stuntbubbles]

What does he actually say about this when you talk to him about it? It sounds as though he thinks the housework and cooking is your job, and his is to simply muddle through in an emergency – like your stomach bug – with ready meals and bare minimum. And it sounds a little as though you think this too: you only expect him to be able to cook when you’re sick or pregnant.

People can change, so it’s possible he could. But you’d have to be part of that change too: although you’re a SAHM mum, the division shouldn’t be you do “100% of cleaning, cooking and organising by default”. What’s the plan for when the baby arrives and you’ve got a newborn and a 4yo? Do you expect to do all the cooking? Does he expect you to?

[bjjgirl]

He doesn't want to- you are a sahm and it is your job in his mind, this is why I would never be a sahm, it puts you in a vulnerable position

How he is treating you now is showing his true resentment at you and feelings towards you.

Honestly I would not put up with it, I would leave.

[DangerouslyBored]

Firstly, sympathies for the pregnancy nausea. It’s the pits. I’m currently pregnant and have felt sick 24/7, it’s v hard. However, DH has done all he can to make my life easier. He isn’t a good cook, he genuinely loathes the process but he has tried his best.

He makes me a healthy anti nausea smoothie every day that he researched, it’s really helped. He has kept the house tidy, not perfect but in decent order (I feel that a messy house makes me feel much worse). He steams spinach and broccoli to add to my ready meals, sometimes he will cook from scratch but it’s an ordeal for both of us healthy ready meals are much less painful. He has done all the washing and putting away. He has really stepped up. He says he’s so grateful to me for all I’m going through, bringing a baby into the world, a bit of tidying is the least he can do.

Other than the lack of domestic stuff, What has your DH done to support you during this pregnancy? Do you think he is trying his best but is simply rubbish at cooking and cleaning? I don’t know much about dyspraxia, but you mention it like it could be a reason for his lacking in these departments. Is it?

[AnIckabog]

I think people are being a bit harsh. It does make sense that usually you do the housework and cooking as a SAHM, assuming he is working fulltime.
But he does need to be able to pick up bits at weekends to give you a break and when you are ill/have a newborn. You haven't said anything about him looking after DS so presumably he does the parenting bits like bath and bed and entertaining him? If so, that's the most important. If not, that is a problem.
Fishfingers, beans on toast and ready meals for a few weeks is not the end of the world if you are ill and he is working fulltime and picking up things at home. He does need to work out how to wash up/load dishwasher and do the laundry, clean the toilet, take the bins out and wipe the surfaces as a minimum. Other than that it can wait. Survival mode. When you are better, teach him to cook a couple of simple meals that he and DS both like?

[Fairislefandango]

That's a bit harsh. He does go out to work to enable the OP to be a STAHM
Lots of people can't cook.

And the OP looks after his children to enable him to go to work. Nonsense that lots of people can't cook. Cooking is just following instructions. Any adult who can read or watch a video can do it (barring disability).

[Geranium1984]

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I've just come out the other side of comparably milder morning (all day!) Sickness and was off my food and vomiting a bit.

Your husband really needs to step up here. He's certainly going to need to take take reins with the 4yo when your baby arrives. Start off small, boiling some broccoli/carrots and putting fish fingers or even fresh salmon in the oven is not that much of a step from a ready meal. Eggs/beans on toast. Agree the bolognaise would be a great idea as it would do you all for a few days.

I've got a toddler too and have now got a cleaner once a week who also cooks us a meal, I usually get her to do bolognaise, chilli or a stew that will be suitable for all of us and I can freeze lots of portions for my son.

Good luck xx

[DangerouslyBored]

I’ve just looked up dyspraxia and cooking and cleaning can be a real challenge for someone suffering from this condition. Nothing in life is ever as black and white as it seems.

[PortiaFimbriata]

You are where you are. I'm assuming that if you're pregnant with your second child you don't want to LTB, and he does have a disability which makes this crap difficult, so unfortunately you probably will have to carry on with the mental load, but he should definitely be doing the physical work.

I agree with PPs that meal kits will be very helpful. Both Gousto and Hello Fresh will have introductory offers which make them very reasonably priced for a couple of months and they really are pretty foolproof, though you may need to be responsible for selecting the orders each week.

On cleaning, again you are where you are. He should know the basics of cleaning but for whatever reason he doesn't, so you'll need to talk him through the basics (squirt, scrub, rinse) and then produce a rota of tasks that need doing each week.

[Shakeitshakeitbaby]

Simply cook meal kits. If he can't manage then there is a serious issue.

[Shoxfordian]

Yabu because you knew what he was like the first time round yet you’re having another baby thinking anything will be different

He doesn’t know how to cook; if the smell of food cooking is bothering you then I don’t know how him cooking fresh food instead of frozen will change that problem tbh

He does sound useless to me but that’s the man you’ve chosen

[Ted27]

The op says he has dyspraxia.

My son is 17 and also has dyspraxia, by the time he has managed to chop an onion I could have cooked, eaten, washed up and cleaned the kitchen. I’ve focused on ‘survival cooking’ or what we refer to assembling a meal.

Things are sometimes a bit more complicated than they seem.

[Thepeopleversuswork]

@doingitforthegirls

Also, he is a selfish, self-absorbed, lazy dick and you need to sit him down and tell him that in the loudest and most angry way possible.

That's a bit harsh. He does go out to work to enable the OP to be a STAHM
Lots of people can't cook

the OP says he “can’t clean”. Who the fuck can’t clean? He made her scrub the bathtub when she was heavily pregnant. Just because he goes out to work it does not recuse him from behaving like a human being.

No this is deliberate incompetence because he can’t be bothered and thinks this is what you have a wife for.

[Noisyprat]

Another poster having another baby with a useless man. Why did u think he would change and why would he when you continue to pick everything up.

Get a cleaner
Do a supermarket order with fresh prepared salads and soups
When you're better continue to serve prepacked food to your DH and cook fresh for yourself and Dcs because he's clearly not bothered about what he eats
Do not do any of his wife work - birthday stuff, hosting his family etc , he should be doing it

[springtimeishereagain]

What was he like last time you were pregnant? Did he do his share then?

He clearly sees all this as your job. Why on earth didn't you insist on you both doing 50-50 around the house before now?? Maybe not during the week when you were on mat leave, but at weekends and before dc?

You should have had discussions about this long before now so your h should be stepping up automatically.

He COULD do these things. They're not rocket science. He's choosing not to.

[PurassicJark]

@DangerouslyBored

I’ve just looked up dyspraxia and cooking and cleaning can be a real challenge for someone suffering from this condition. Nothing in life is ever as black and white as it seems.

Difficult but not impossible. Just take longer to get it sometimes. He just can't be arsed and does it badly so he doesn't have to.

[Crocky]

www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia-in-adults/

This might be useful. These tasks could be particularly difficult for him.

[mug2018]

Yes he should be able to cook & help you with good grace & be mindful of how you're feeling. However, I'm fairly sure he also didn't suddenly turn into an entitled selfish man child as soon as you became pregnant. Why enable this type of behavior in a relationship.. if the expectation is set early in a relationship, then they will continue to take advantage of being waited on by the 'house slave' for as long as they can ... in my experience.. but never again 😬

[DangerouslyBored]

@PurassicJark

Difficult but not impossible. Just take longer to get it sometimes. He just can't be arsed and does it badly so he doesn't have to.

Total supposition! So you know the extent of this man’s disability do you?

[ShirleyPhallus]

I can’t believe how aggressive and rude some posters are being to the OP. Yes the husband sounds lazy but that’s entirely his fault. Why do so many women blame other women for men’s behaviour.

[GoldenOmber]

He might genuinely find it hard, but that’s hardly an excuse for not even trying.

I am a very disorganised person and find it very hard to remember things/not lose things. So I use reminders and planners and notes and alarms and AirTags on small easy-to-lose things like keys and wallet. I don’t go “oh well, DH will do it all for me” and put my feet up.

[Thepeopleversuswork]

@ShirleyPhallus

I can’t believe how aggressive and rude some posters are being to the OP. Yes the husband sounds lazy but that’s entirely his fault. Why do so many women blame other women for men’s behaviour.

I don't think anyone is blaming the OP for her OH's behaviour, clearly its not her fault, I think its more a need to metaphorically shake her and ask her if she thinks she deserves this. At some level she has tolerated this up until now, for reasons best known to herself. She needs a bit of a wake-up call and to start challenging this head on.

The people piling on to excuse him because he has dyspraxia are a joke though. Since when has being a lazy, sexist arse classified as having a "disability"? Have a bit more respect for yourselves.