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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Not Give Her A Lift?

106 replies

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/05/2022 23:08

I am being asked to give a family member a lift to hospital..or rather, my OH is being asked, via me...

Sister is needing to arrive at hospital for 7.30am (she says..), we do not have direct public transport, it would require a train or bus into the city then a bus to the hospital.

Or a taxi. Which is around £20 and is a flat rate.

Relevant details...

My OH has a small job he does weekly on that day, the other side of the city at 12. It can't be moved to another time or day it is time critical.

DS has been rude about client, which has not amused OH in the slightest and does not predispose him towards being helpful. They were warned not to be rude about this client last week.. and still persist.

To give this lift, we would both have to be up at 6am - I can't reliably get out of bed without him here, so would need to get up at the same time, some 4 hours earlier than my normal time.

Change of bedtime/wake up time = change of medication time.

He would then drive somewhere between 20/45 minutes to the hospital and then be leaving the hospital at rush hour, which can mean it takes an hour to get back.

He can't really be out of the house more than 2 hours, which at that time of day/outside our normal schedule will be particularly unreliable.

He'd return here, then he would need to go out again at 11.30 to do the job.

I have offered DS the taxi fare, in recognition of the fact they did give me a lift (a much longer lift however not outside their normal waking hours, and in my vehicle, using my fuel) recently.

So, AIBU not to give the lift that would fuck up both our day and cause us massive inconvenience and possibly worse... or are they BU for not getting a bloody taxi?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/05/2022 23:12

This is between your OH and your sister surely?

Your language is toing and froing from sounding like you're giving the lift to your OH giving the lift.

growinggreyer · 05/05/2022 23:14

It's not really possible for you to offer the lift, but it is kind of you to offer her the money for the taxi. Let her know soon so she can get something booked.

Harridan1981 · 05/05/2022 23:14

I don't know your family dynamic, but I would give the lift...why can't he go out for more than 2 hrs? If you would have to be up at 6, 4 hrs before your normal time, does that mean you normally get up at 10? Therefore the lift could be given and he would be back before you woke up?

Up to your husband really.

Knittedfairies2 · 05/05/2022 23:15

Has your sister turned down your offer of money for a taxi?

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/05/2022 23:17

I am disabled, and need personal care, after around 10 things are much more stable and predictable, which is why I get up then. I would wake up when he got up, plus our dogs would be quite unsettled at being woken at that hour and then not given the usual morning routine too, so that too would mean going back to sleep unlikely.

I've no idea why she didn't just ask him directly but she never does and this does drive him nuts, she's known him long enough!

OP posts:
Hatinafield · 05/05/2022 23:17

I found all that very confusing. I assume you have a disability of some kind? In which case I would just say really sorry sis, we just can’t make those timings work. She can surely make her own decisions after that?

Could one of you offer to pick her up instead? You don’t have to, just thought it might soften the blow a bit if you’re uncomfortable saying a flat no.

SaggyBlinders · 05/05/2022 23:21

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/05/2022 23:17

I am disabled, and need personal care, after around 10 things are much more stable and predictable, which is why I get up then. I would wake up when he got up, plus our dogs would be quite unsettled at being woken at that hour and then not given the usual morning routine too, so that too would mean going back to sleep unlikely.

I've no idea why she didn't just ask him directly but she never does and this does drive him nuts, she's known him long enough!

Well that changes things. Your OP wasn't very clear about why you can't get up on your own.

Just tell her she will have to get a taxi. Surely she's aware of your needs so no further explanation required.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 05/05/2022 23:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hawkins001 · 05/05/2022 23:24

All the best op

Gagaandgag · 06/05/2022 00:10

I think like you say -pay for her taxi. All the best to you all

Hunderland · 06/05/2022 01:09

Will you need her to give you a lift again in the future?

If yes, I'd do it.

Murdoch1949 · 06/05/2022 01:16

I agree with others, insist that all you can do is pay for the taxi, that's kind enough, if she chooses not to accept she is being unreasonable.

user1471457751 · 06/05/2022 01:16

I think it depends if you regularly ask for lifts or other favours from her. It's not OK to always be the one taking but if the lift they gave you was a one off just tell your sister the timings don't work this time

TheOriginalEmu · 06/05/2022 01:23

I don’t really understand what your sisters opinion on your husbands client has to do with anything.
i also think that the fact she gave a lift in her normal waking hours isn’t really relevant.
I think offering the taxi fare is a reasonable compromise though.

TheOriginalEmu · 06/05/2022 01:25

Also also, why do you say ‘she says..’ like that? Are you insinuating that’s not true?

bssically you sound annoyed with your sister for minor reasons and are creating reasons why he can’t take her tbh.

Carrotmum · 06/05/2022 01:38

You sound like you really dislike your sister “ needing to arrive at the hospital at 7.30 (she says)” is pretty nasty way of putting it. Do you think she has any choice of the time the hospital have told her to be there at? Complaining it’s going to unsettle your dogs is just trying to find reasons not to help, it’s your sister asking for a favour not some random, also she appears to have done you a favour recently which is what family do for each other isn’t it? I don’t drive (medical condition) so my DH will help out my family if they need a lift, just to be nice, they will usually ask me if he can help rather than asking him directly. I don’t know what taxis are like round your way, but here they can be hard to get and not always on time even if pre-booked so if I absolutely had to be at a hospital at a certain time I would be reluctant to rely on a taxi and if my DH couldn’t take me I know my sister would ( even if it wasn’t convenient). In fact she has already offered to take me more than 100 miles to and back from a hospital, if my DH can’t take me , to get a procedure as I’ll get a quicker appointment there than at our local hospital and I need to be in a private car rather than public transport.

Dinoteeth · 06/05/2022 01:49

Op it's not unusual for hospitals to want day patients in at 7.30 so they are ready for treatments, operations starting at 8.00
I think I'd try and see if you can help her out. Can't be that often she needs to get to hospital

NumberTheory · 06/05/2022 02:47

If you don't normally get up until 10 and DH will be leaving the hospital at 7:30ish on a 1hr journey back to you, what's the problem and why would you need to get up at 6? Because of the dogs? Could he take them with him?

YmightNBU because I know disabilities can be complex and you haven't provided much detail. But it does come across a bit as though you just find your DS too difficult and don't want you OH to do it. For instance, the relevance of the job at noon seems entirely artificial and just a way to mention that your DS doesn't acquiesce to your requests not to be rude about the client (which may or may not be U of her, but seems pretty unconnected).

The offer of the taxi fare may or may not be a good "replacement" for a lift. Is she short of money and that is why she hasn't automatically gone for that? Or are taxis unreliable? Or is she partly looking for company at a stressful time?

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/05/2022 03:52

Well my doubts are now gone because it turns out her neighbour offered her a bloody lift a week ago... the one that borrowed her car for a YEAR and definitely owes her lifts.

But to satisfy demand.

She was asked not to refer to our lovely client as a 'Doris' (derogatory term for old lady) because it pisses both of us off. She carried on doing it and seems to be (in part at least) blaming lovely client for why she can't have a lift from us.

I mentioned it because yeah, I am pissed off that she can't be respectful of our wishes on something as minor as that. It feeds into my 'am I just being a git because she's annoyed me' really.

I didn't want to give tons of info about my disabilities for a variety of reasons, but yeah if I am woken at 6, theres no way I'll go back to sleep, so then I'll need a piss and I won't be able to get up for one. Getting up and back into bed takes ages, and causes a lot of pain and then I'd lie there..awake and more likely to be needing the loo again before he's back (and yes I might not need the loo again... last week i might have been fine, if it were this week well, I'd have had to piss the bed in that time frame, so who knows).

I am dubious about the time she says she has to be there, a/she has form for wanting to be places an hour earlier than necessary and b/I've had multiple appointments there for various clinics, minor surgeries etc, and never had to be there earlier than 8.30. But, I could be wrong, hence 'she says'.

The lift she gave me.. was a one off, to drop me off on holiday, at a time that entirely suited her and she was paid for it (something OH has just pointed out, I was unaware of this as they'd sorted it between them). She regularly taxis people around (for cash, I know), drives for a living and professes to love driving - she could be lying, but I doubt it.

I won't be needing a lift from her for at least the next year or more! She on the other hand.. needs lifts to fetch cars from places, lifts to rescue my dads car from the pub (fair enough, he's my dad too), lifts from the pub, lifts for friends from the pub, lifts to move large furniture, requests to borrow my car (not allowed, it is a motability vehicle).

You are right, a lot of the time I don't like her very much and again, that makes me question am I being pissy because I don't like her sometimes or is she genuinely being unreasonble.

She has a tendancy to be extremely rude to me and to OH, and then demand help, wants paying for favours, is frequently dismissive and ungrateful.

My offer of paying for a taxi, after trying to explain why I didn't think my OH driving her was a viable option, was met with a 'go fuck yourself' and she hung up on me.

I did consider if she was worried about going and I suspect she is (it is minor but probably scary, something I do tend to overlook as its it doesn't really scare me), however she wasn't asking for company AT hospital at all, just a lift and boot her out at the door.

Of course this is just a tiny snippet of the relationship and often she is extremely good company, hysterically funny and can be extremely generous and fiercely loyal.

OP posts:
MollyRover · 06/05/2022 04:09

You haven't been asked to give your sister a lift, your OH has. Leave it between the two of them. Although I expect that this thread is less about the lift and more about having a b*tch about her. "The dogs might be unsettled". Pfff Grin

PinkSyCo · 06/05/2022 05:42

I think you are being very generous in offering to pay her taxi fare. Would she struggle to pay it herself? If not, I think she has a cheek for asking you.

pictish · 06/05/2022 06:27

MollyRover · 06/05/2022 04:09

You haven't been asked to give your sister a lift, your OH has. Leave it between the two of them. Although I expect that this thread is less about the lift and more about having a b*tch about her. "The dogs might be unsettled". Pfff Grin

Agree with this post. Another pffft. Sorry.

DockOTheBay · 06/05/2022 06:33

My offer of paying for a taxi, after trying to explain why I didn't think my OH driving her was a viable option, was met with a 'go fuck yourself' and she hung up on me.
Well I wouldn't be offering her a lift, taxi fare or any other favours if that's her behaviour.

MissNothing1991 · 06/05/2022 06:42

I think your attitude is really sour to be honest. Maybe she'd like a friendly face on her way to hospital and not a taxi driver. She has given you lifts before. As for her appointment being at 8.30 just because yours have, that's not how it works ffs. She's asking for a lift to hospital, not a lift home drunk from a bloody nightclub!

I'm not surprised she got sour and hung up on you, because going from the sour way you talk about her in this post, I'd imagine that's what she received in that phone call!

Time2ChangeName · 06/05/2022 06:52

I don’t understand why you would offer to pay the taxi fare in the first place. If a friend or family member asked me for a lift and I couldn’t do it I wouldn’t then pay for the cab or bus.