To Not Give Her A Lift?

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I am being asked to give a family member a lift to hospital..or rather, my OH is being asked, via me...

Sister is needing to arrive at hospital for 7.30am (she says..), we do not have direct public transport, it would require a train or bus into the city then a bus to the hospital.

Or a taxi. Which is around £20 and is a flat rate.

Relevant details...

My OH has a small job he does weekly on that day, the other side of the city at 12. It can't be moved to another time or day it is time critical.

DS has been rude about client, which has not amused OH in the slightest and does not predispose him towards being helpful. They were warned not to be rude about this client last week.. and still persist.

To give this lift, we would both have to be up at 6am - I can't reliably get out of bed without him here, so would need to get up at the same time, some 4 hours earlier than my normal time.

Change of bedtime/wake up time = change of medication time.

He would then drive somewhere between 20/45 minutes to the hospital and then be leaving the hospital at rush hour, which can mean it takes an hour to get back.

He can't really be out of the house more than 2 hours, which at that time of day/outside our normal schedule will be particularly unreliable.

He'd return here, then he would need to go out again at 11.30 to do the job.

I have offered DS the taxi fare, in recognition of the fact they did give me a lift (a much longer lift however not outside their normal waking hours, and in my vehicle, using my fuel) recently.

So, AIBU not to give the lift that would fuck up both our day and cause us massive inconvenience and possibly worse... or are they BU for not getting a bloody taxi?

Apologies @Innocenta . I didn’t mean all heavily disabled people are largely invisible. Rather their struggles often are. I had no idea of what it was like to be disabled when able bodied. All those, who know me are equally clueless about disability and I’ve read so many posts on here of how families and friends turned nasty or dropped people for becoming disabled whilst still relatively young. Me included. The we of invisible people was regarding those, who are not seen much or at all in public.

What I don’t agree with is the lift giving and for me, being fully responsible works both ways. Op’s sister could pay for a taxi and be fully responsible for getting herself to hospital rather than what sounds like regularly depending on her sister’s partner and carer for driving her around. However, I don’t think I suggested anyone should be infantilised or insinuated anyone is beyond reproach.

@Mummyoflittledragon I see where you're coming from and I've definitely experienced being dropped by friends etc as my disability situation worsened. It is rough when you can't participate, are housebound, bedbound, etc, I totally agree. Sorry if I came across as saying I totally disagreed with everything you were saying, because that wasn't what I meant!

What I was going for was that oftentimes I've noticed in threads started by disabled people on here, where there is disagreement or some people think the OP is in the wrong, other posters will essentially say, 'you are only saying that because you don't get what disability is like; you should have more empathy and #BeKind.' I'm not on board with that as a rebuttal because I semi regularly disagree with other disabled people (although of course, also regularly agree! Just depends on the issue), and I know it's not because I don't understand disability or am not disabled enough (I am unfortunately really, really disabled/sick).

So tl;dr, I guess I just find it frustrating when the discussion stops being about the topic and turns into more of a 'don't the mean able bodied people Get It?' thing. That's not to say I disagree with everything you've said; not at all! I think you're absolutely right that the sister is being a bit of a twat too. She's certainly not winning any prizes from me in all this.

Anyway, sorry again, I probably came off as too forceful, like I often do. I regularly see your posts and do agree with you, respect what you have to say, etc, so I don't want you to think I'm just rubbishing your POV!

@Innocenta
Thank you and there was no need to apologise. I didn’t want to offend you either. I also see your posts and respect what you’re saying. I also agree that #bekind should not be used as a way to shut people up. We just don’t agree on this point. Perhaps you’re looking it from an absolve all responsibility because of disability? I’m looking at it from a practicality pov when it sounds as though they regularly each other out, just not on this occasion. And yes, the sister is being a bit of a twat.

@Innocenta The thread has gone off the rails as usual but I don’t think the OP’s disability is relevant at all.
Unless there’s a backstory of the sister always helping , or no alternative - nobody is owed a lift. Or any favours for that matter.

If the OP was eating bonbons at home instead of giving a lift she’d still be not U IMO.

I think your sister is clueless. Does she not understand how difficult it is for you in the morning?

She is faiiiiiiiirly clueless about a lot tbh - other people have commented on it to me (admittedly, people who know me or are my friends, but occasionally, her friends too), and is quite good at forgetting how hard I find some things as it suits her.

Anyway sister confessed that she thought it was easier to nag us than to ask one of the alternative options - yes there were multiple options! - which is very typical of her. She also reminded me of her response were I to ever ask her for a lift at such a time of day.. it starts with F and ends in 'off'.

We're fine, well ... she delivered our dinner yesterday and didn't spit in it (or steal any of OH's crispy chicken balls).

I do agree, its of course possible for someone to be disabled and; rude, idle, unreasonable, an arsehole, unpleasant etc etc.

I am undoubtedly all of those things, some of the time - as frankly, are most people.

I have no interest in going into the nitty gritty of why getting out of bed earlier would be hugely inconvenient, painful and unpleasant, why my OH has one job a week, why my sister and I have a weird and dysfunctional but yet.. strangely functional relationship... because theres no way to win on MN.

Not enough detail and people will make up their own story.
Too much detail and I'll be branded a liar, over-exaggerating etc etc.