To Not Give Her A Lift?

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I am being asked to give a family member a lift to hospital..or rather, my OH is being asked, via me...

Sister is needing to arrive at hospital for 7.30am (she says..), we do not have direct public transport, it would require a train or bus into the city then a bus to the hospital.

Or a taxi. Which is around £20 and is a flat rate.

Relevant details...

My OH has a small job he does weekly on that day, the other side of the city at 12. It can't be moved to another time or day it is time critical.

DS has been rude about client, which has not amused OH in the slightest and does not predispose him towards being helpful. They were warned not to be rude about this client last week.. and still persist.

To give this lift, we would both have to be up at 6am - I can't reliably get out of bed without him here, so would need to get up at the same time, some 4 hours earlier than my normal time.

Change of bedtime/wake up time = change of medication time.

He would then drive somewhere between 20/45 minutes to the hospital and then be leaving the hospital at rush hour, which can mean it takes an hour to get back.

He can't really be out of the house more than 2 hours, which at that time of day/outside our normal schedule will be particularly unreliable.

He'd return here, then he would need to go out again at 11.30 to do the job.

I have offered DS the taxi fare, in recognition of the fact they did give me a lift (a much longer lift however not outside their normal waking hours, and in my vehicle, using my fuel) recently.

So, AIBU not to give the lift that would fuck up both our day and cause us massive inconvenience and possibly worse... or are they BU for not getting a bloody taxi?

It sounds to me like you and dh would both benefit from some scheduled visits from carers to get you up and sorted and attended to throughout the day, in a way which doesn't restrict dh from leaving the bed for fear of waking you/being out of the house for more than 2 hours at a time.

Exactly. If you are woken at 6 why do you need to be got up then if he can be back by your usual time? What happens on days when he needs to work at other times?

I'm still not understanding the bit about Doris, where does she fit into all this?

What is the (general) nature of her hospital appointment? Is it something she's worried about and therefore might be better going to with some support?

Given your obvious strength of feeling against her I think you can legitimately refuse but you should perhaps tell her the truth (that you don't actually like her) rather than making it only about inconvenience. I'm not sure why you continue to have her in your life given how you feel about her.

I’m thinking it’s because DH has to go and attend to she who shall not be called Doris, and therefore will possibly not be back in time.

@StrangeCondition sister is blaming DH's need to work with 'Doris' for his reluctance to give her a lift. Sister is using ageist language to refer to the client.

People with complicated lives always choose to have dogs - usually plural - to further complicate their lives. That’s my observation.

honestly you should be looking at how you are managing your health issues as long term the current routine is not going to work.

And I do understand is difficult it is having mobility and bladder problems Maybe contact adult social services and ask your gp for a referal to physio who can also help to get equipment to help you get from your bed to a toilet. If you cannot afford them, also talk to the various services about getting some incontinence pants. Without other plans in place of something happened to your partner you would be fucked.

It's also possible the sister declined the neighbour because she wants some emotional support from a family member.

You are also very lucky to not have to be in hospital for 8:30. Could she stay in an aibnb, hotel etc nearer to the hospital? I've done this plenty of times to ensure I'm there for 7:30 even for my stent changes.

He is your carer and can't do it because of that. Could another family member come and do caring duties at the usual time and he take sister? Offering the £ is kind compromise.

I am very severely disabled, certainly experienced in being bedbound and vulnerable. But I still think it's reasonable to feel OP is BU here. Having a disability doesn't make you right in every situation, you know.

I agree. And OP should have some kind of backup option, like a commode or briefs, if their toileting is so restricted. Very stressful to live with.

Some people who are fit, healthy, and not in pain, seem not to understand your problem, I have a mobility problem, but can get out of bed to the toilet on my own, and I also have a dog, who once he is disturbed, will not settle. To be lying in bed, dying to wee, and being mithered by dogs who want you to get up, when you can't, sounds like torture to me, and I can understand why you are unwilling to go through it for someone who continually disrespects your husband's work. She is your sister, and you want to keep on good terms with her, so it is a dilemma, only you can solve, I don't think anyone else can make that judgement. Sorry to be so unhelpful.

To play the martyr, of course 😅

Disabled people are allowed dogs. It works for OP and her husband. Or should she not have a dog just in case her sister needs a lift early in the morning?

You sound very difficult, I mean really, the dogs would be unsettled if they were woken earlier than usual? Lol!

You would help your sister if she only ever helped you for payment and if she'd had another offer and if it would leave you in pain and struggling with incontinence? Oh and if she was consistently rude to the lift giver?

I would never ask my sister to put herself through that just so I could have a lift from her husband. Especially if I only ever gave lifts in return for payment myself.

Your sister is being very selfish OP.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Op it's clear you don't like her and don't want to do it. Just tell her you can't.

You, however sound horrible. Just be honest with your sister "we don't like you and we don't want to help you" rather than making excuses about how you are the victim here.
I agree. You clearly don't like her. What's the point of having any pretend relationship with her.

My offer of paying for a taxi, after trying to explain why I didn't think my OH driving her was a viable option, was met with a 'go fuck yourself' and she hung up on me.

She's got the measure of you.

But the OP said he leaves the house at 11.30am to go to SWSNBCDs house.

So if he is at the hospital for 7.30, drops the sister off, leaves immediately (7.45am), then would be home for 8.30/8.45am.

He then has 2h45m at home before he needs to leave again.

Get up 30 minutes earlier, drop her at 7am, then he can get back before rush hour.

So he would be back some time between 7.20 and 7.40.

If you don't get up until 10 your DH could have taken your DS to hospital and still get back for helping you at 10am. She is your sister not some random and she recently helped you. Surely you could lie in bed and read a book if you can't get back to sleep. I think you are being a bit mean to your sister.

You are so right!