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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meat eater benefits from sharing finances with veggie

254 replies

SpingTimeMelody · 05/05/2022 17:46

Ah, this is an issue we come back to time and time again (well every year or so I guess).

I'm vegetarian and as such my food is generally less expensive. My DH eats meat. No problem with that as such, but he hasn't cut down the amount of meat he eats, if anything he eats more now. Today he had bacon medallions with breakfast, a tin of tuna with lunch and plans to have an expensive individually wrapped chicken breast with dinner. These cost about £2.25 per breast and sometimes he has two.

His Pov: I can eat what I like.

My Pov: Yes, but... Food comes out of "joint money", and we are spending too much. I am trying to cut back like I bought the cheaper bread to save 60p. If I suddenly decided to eat meat (not going to happen) but we wouldn't be able to afford it. Basically he can only afford to eat meat the way he does because I have a much cheaper diet....

What is the answer? No kids btw

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 05/05/2022 19:49

1FootInTheRave · 05/05/2022 17:50

What a miserable existence.

I feel the same way. Quibbling over perfectly normal food like tins of tuna and chicken breast is madness.

Perhaps you really would be more compatible with another non meat eater.

Peoniesandpeaches · 05/05/2022 19:52

littlegreenheart · 05/05/2022 19:33

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think the core issue isn't meat (or veggie vs carnivore/omnivore), it's that you see the need to cut the food budget to keep it as tight as (reasonably) possible and are willing to sacrifice to do so, and your H doesn't see the need or isn't willing to make as many cuts as you'd like. A lot of people are in the position now where they had a bit of leeway for splurges in the food budget and now do not, and will not for the forseebale future. Is it possible you've just realised this before he has, and a general food budget conversation - all options on the table, but with an overall goal to reduce overall spending on food - could help?

I do think the veg issue comes into it emotionally - if he were splurging on expensive chocolates or imported tropical fruit or single-malt scotch, at least you COULD have some if you wanted. When he splurges on meat, it may feel like it's something specifically for him. Likely there's no veggie equivalent - anything you buy he COULD eat, although he may choose not to.

Also, the expensive individually wrapped chicken breast with dinner caught my attention. Is he the only meat-eater in the household (not sure if it's just the two of you)? Is he maybe spending more than necessary on small portions of meat because he's the only one who will eat it and he wants to avoid waste (which may be false economy in this case)? Can he adjust to buy larger quantities at a cheaper price and plan ahead to use or freeze?

I agree and actually for a while had this issue with my DP when they went vegan. They were buying all the incredibly expensive substitute items like fake omelette while I was on value item everything. I can almost guarantee that had I posted it on mumsnet at the time people would have sided with me!

ItsAllMe · 05/05/2022 19:54

If his personal choices are not affordable, then something has to change. A lot of people are having to make changes to their food shopping to afford to live. He needs to eat for less, cuts need to be made elsewhere or income needs to be increased.
Peopld are ridiculous to say ‘personal choice’...that doesn’t apply if you can’t afford it.

Ragwort · 05/05/2022 19:56

This sounds so petty .. do you share a bed and have sex with your DH ... yet begrudge the cost of a tin of tuna ? Hmm

My DH's hobby is golf .. very expensive .. but he is happy ... my hobby costs nothing ... but I am very happy ... does it really matter? Do couples really keep a tally on expenses? (Yes, I guess they do judging by Mumsnet Grin. A shared attitude to finance is one of the most important aspects of marriage .. we have been married over 30 years and never argued over 'who spends what' ... and we are not high earners).

Peoniesandpeaches · 05/05/2022 19:56

If the thread was written that my DP keeps buying expensive food items that only he can eat and it’s causing me to have to top up the food budget from my own personal money nobody would be saying you were unreasonable. They would suggest he pays for those items out of his own money if they are important to him but instead as people see this as “normal food” you’re being labeled some miserable miser.

TheCatterall · 05/05/2022 19:58

Does he contribute more to the food budget to allow for his more expenses select cuts of meat? If not he needs to start now.

otherwise split the food budget in two and that’s your individual allowances for food. See how well he does when it’s an even split…

any money you save from your half of the budget. You get to put in a pot for fun things to do. For you.

ItsAllMe · 05/05/2022 20:00

Ragwort · 05/05/2022 19:56

This sounds so petty .. do you share a bed and have sex with your DH ... yet begrudge the cost of a tin of tuna ? Hmm

My DH's hobby is golf .. very expensive .. but he is happy ... my hobby costs nothing ... but I am very happy ... does it really matter? Do couples really keep a tally on expenses? (Yes, I guess they do judging by Mumsnet Grin. A shared attitude to finance is one of the most important aspects of marriage .. we have been married over 30 years and never argued over 'who spends what' ... and we are not high earners).

I imagine if you have a food budget and money for food ran out well before pay day, then you would keep a tally to see why.

zaffa · 05/05/2022 20:01

BadNomad · 05/05/2022 17:49

Buy cheaper bacon, tuna and chicken?

This is not the answer. When you pay less than expected for a good or service l, someone is being exploited. In this case, it's almost always animal welfare standards dropping.

Indicatrice · 05/05/2022 20:02

He either needs to contribute more to food budget for his meat

OR

you the shared food out of food budget and anything that is not shared (his meat and your lentils (for example) come out of personal budgets.

IncompleteSenten · 05/05/2022 20:02

I'd separate the food budget money and tell him that you will each buy your own. He says he doesn't want to but tough shit.

If it's a money problem then maybe he needs to feel it.

Hopefully he'll understand the meaning of the saying cut your cloth and stop insisting on his expensive cuts.

Onwards22 · 05/05/2022 20:07

we have a certain amount each month to cover shopping

Why not take the amount you have to spend on shopping and split it in half.
You buy your food shopping and he’ll buy his.

wwyd2021medicine · 05/05/2022 20:13

They are prepared meats and thus expensive for what you get. There's no indication at all they have higher welfare standards.
He's paying more for the same raw ingredients

starlingdarling · 05/05/2022 20:14

RealBecca · 05/05/2022 19:27

@caringcarer its not personal choice if he cant afford it. It's like saying he has the right to drive an Aston Martin. Not if he cant afford it.

Agree with this. He needs to stop relying on you subsidising his choices just because he's not prepared to make cuts.

toconclude · 05/05/2022 20:18

roosnunlilei · 05/05/2022 17:52

Today he had bacon medallions with breakfast, a tin of tuna with lunch and plans to have an expensive individually wrapped chicken breast with dinner.

I think this is completely normal meat consumption for many people.

Is it? Omnivore here and that would be much too much meat for me in one day or even DH who eats more meat than I do. Even one meat item every day feels a lot to me.

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 20:25

If the budget is tight and it is causing resentment then doing your own food shopping seems a sensible way forward.

Do you have more expensive toiletries though? Are you absolutely confident that the budget is entirely skewed in his favour?

Bimster · 05/05/2022 21:08

caringcarer · 05/05/2022 19:23

I am astonished at the number of people saying her DH should not be eating meat every day and should be eating veggie a few times each week. Ffs, it is a personal choice. Would people say OP should eat meat a few times a week to match her DH? It sounds like some want to take away the personal choice from others. Oh, and when I have a BBQ me and son might cook steak, sausages, belly pork chops, kababs, chicken and burgers and have some of whatever we like. DH is happy with his veggie sausages, veggie burgers, panneer or halumi cheese, and artisan bread, olives, and often unseasonal fruit, all washed down by good wine.

This is a really tin-eared remark given that OP has explained they can’t afford the food her husband wants to eat.

CrystalCoco · 05/05/2022 21:13

This sounds like a really petty argument, I voted YABU

My DH eats waaaaay more food than me - maybe I should have a word with him that he eats more of the food budget than I do and how unfair it is.

(likely outcome would be that he would point out that I drink more of the alcohol budget than he does so it all evens out!)

DownTownAbbey2 · 05/05/2022 21:28

Could you buy your own food?

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 05/05/2022 21:41

Vidax · 05/05/2022 18:56

I'm a full on meat eater (to the extent I hate veggie days)

But I wouldn't have meat like this at all three meals, seems a lot of food for 1 day as well. I don't mean in a I can only eat half a lettuce leaf a week kind of way

Show quote history

I'm really confused by some posters saying he had meat for 3 meals a day, since when is tuna meat?
This seems like a normal enough day of food to me. 2 with meat, 1 with fish.

LightningAndRainbows · 05/05/2022 21:42

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 05/05/2022 21:41

I'm really confused by some posters saying he had meat for 3 meals a day, since when is tuna meat?
This seems like a normal enough day of food to me. 2 with meat, 1 with fish.

Show quote history

Flesh then

Original poster
SpingTimeMelody · 05/05/2022 21:44

OK so we had a chat and agreed on an amount that DH will get out of the food budget each week into his personal account and then he will pay for all meat out of that.

He is thrilled because "I definitely don't spend that much on meat"... even though in reality it's about 2 thirds of what he usually goes through. He can buy how ever much he likes but the extra will come out of his own money.

Thank you to all those who pointed out how bad my life must be for having this problem. Its true we are both low earners but love each other very much and generally have a good life.

I don't monitor his food intake BTW but have been together today. I just mentioned maybe having a veggie dinner as we were trying to make cutbacks due to cost of living and e didnt want to, that's what started this whole issue.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 05/05/2022 22:53

If you're doing the buying, he's probably not even paying attention to how much this stuff costs. OK, so tuna is pretty inexpensive protein but bacon medallions and prepared chicken breasts are premium cuts - a pack of chicken breasts often costs no less than a whole chicken. The same with bacon medallions - they just cut the streaky bits off and charge you the same!

NoSquirrels · 05/05/2022 23:08

Great solution, OP.

It’s extremely frustrating to be the one in charge of making the budget balance if the other person doesn’t feel the effects. So result, I’d say. He gets to eat as much meat as he likes (his priority) and pays the price. Fair all round.

NippyWoowoo · 05/05/2022 23:21

1FootInTheRave · 05/05/2022 17:50

What a miserable existence.

This really

Do you also keep tabs on how much tea one of you drinks when the other has purely tap water?

BadLad · 05/05/2022 23:46

And no the OPs partner doesn’t have the right to consume as much unlimited meat as he wishes without restraint

What do you mean?

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