To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

Does your “very nearly adult” teen according to above thread not support you at all?

@ChoiceMummy

You're correct, I do not find that comment helpful. Yes, I made a choice to have two dc. Many, many people make life choices that come with challenges. They are allowed to vent about those challenges.

But I am frustrated that you say you don’t have anyone and that you could cry

but you have a nearly adult teen, a supportive husband and you’re considering a third child.

We are also completely alone. We live abroad with 2 children (so our choice) but i find myself getting irrationally annoyed hearing my siblings bitch and moan if my mum can’t look after Ine of their kids.

My husband was in hospital for two weeks before Christmas and it was tough balancing full time work and 2 children completely alone. I take a boat to and from work also, so that was also challenging navigating this with meetings and pick ups.

I think when you have absolutely nobody to fall back on it makes you super organised and you make decisions because you have to.

Oh interesting?! Why do you want another out of interest then op?

@theleafandnotthetree

When she was primary age I had that to an extent, yes. It's all fizzled out now she's older, she and her friends makes their own plans and I don't really communicate with the parents, if that makes sense! I know of them, and if push came to shove I could contact one of them. But I'd feel really uncomfortable with that as they are definitely not "friends".

Your teen must be able to help with watching the younger one? I assumed both children were very young

That resonates@VintageGibbon I am the child free car less aunt with a demanding full time job who has been heavily involved in child care / family support for a sibling for the last 26 years. The difference is that if I or DH need help my sibling will drop everything to help.

No.

No practical support at all (my family are lovely but not local). My 3 closest “mum friends” also have no support due to geography, it’s really not unusual.

I am moving shortly and when DD starts school making some friends for emergencies (which I will 100% reciprocate, I am
no CF!) is a priority.

I didn't and my DH travelled 90%of the time .We then moved to the US and I got friendly with another Mom who was in the same position so we used to take each others kids for afternoons , sleepovers , emergencies and even weekends It was mad with four rambunctious boys walloping about the place but the kids all got on well together and it was just as easy to look after four as two .I just need a lot more food .Myself and the other mom became the very best of friend too although we are now geographically separated and the kids have grown up and are all still in contact.

It's a shame you don't feel able to, as I tend to be the friend/parent who is available to help out in these situations, and am very happy to do so. I'm also a contact for school/nursery for some of my neighbours - I'm self employed and work from home so mostly available at short notice.
Other parents are probably more willing than you realise, and might even welcome having you as their emergency back up.

@Sofielou another here saying you are not alone. My DH and I have zero support either. Two under 4yrs at the moment, I also don't think it's "beyond unusual" to be exhausted at this point. I'm still on maternity leave so am physically around for both children at the moment but this doesn't make it any less exhausting! My youngest isn't a very poor sleeper, both are very early risers. We've had illness after illness for what feels like forever and my patience is wearing thin in general. I get similar responses when telling people we have no help... Surely you have someone, etc. NO!

One of my parents is dead, the other several hours away. DHs parents are pensioners and in no fit state to help even if they wanted to.

I know things will get easier as they get older. I recently approached my son's nursery key worker to organise private childcare which she agreed to. I know this won't help when one is ill or I need to leave work early etc, but it's something and means DH and I can have a much needed break at some point in the future!

As an aside, I always knew we wouldn't have help, but don't think I was truly prepared for how relentless parenting two very small people can be. You're not alone, it will get better and well done for doing it by yourself. It's bloody hard.

My teen also doesn't drive and can't collect the little one if she's sick etc. Nor does she provide any willing help - it's all bribery and for cash. And even then it's limited what she will do and when. She's more interested in her mates and going out (as you'd expect from a teen), and wants lifts and cash off us all the time. So essentially she adds to the workload, not eases it.

Given your daughters aged as a nearly adult teen

Surely she could ask her friends?!

I understand that not having your parents around is tough.
if you want an actual solution to how to get help, then asking and offering is how you get help.
Ask the childminder who your toddler is friends with and invite them over for a couple of hours at the weekend. Make friends with the mum/ dad.
bingo. You have someone who you could call in an emergency.
do it a few more time and you have a little group of people.
suggest a quick drink / picnic in the park with the parents from the childminder and get to know a few of them.

i gave birth overseas- had ask one of the mums from school to pick up my oldest for me. She was delighted.

have also been asked to look after someone kids for a night because both parents had to travel- and said yes.

its not going to come from your family so you have to build your own support network- but it can be done - you get into the habit of trading favours but you have to start!

Your teen would never babysit, ever

To enable m you and your husband to go out or you to pop to shops? Or indeed do anything to help out

I find it hilarious that people think I have help because I have a teen child. Really?! Those people definitely don't have teens 😂

@tomatoandherbs

I would not trust her to baby sit for any considerable period of time, no.

Not alone no. I also have no back up as a single parent. It's very tough at times

If she’s literally not prepared to ever do anything for her family, then I wouldn’t get yourself het up about giving her a lift

especially as she gets public transport and presumably is able to ask her friend’s for help ie a mum collect her

How old is your teen?
you describe her as “very nearly adult”

I'm alone like that and yes, it is because of ME! But in a different way to the judgy pants people on here.

My parents are abroad, inlaws would have never visited or helped and were very toxic so I had to go No Contact.

Few friends I made relocated to the other side of the country. And I have moved a lot. Including relocating to a refuge. I have been at a new location since Covid and you can imagine how helpful that was in expanding my social circle!

I'm about to move again. I've bought a house, so hopefully more permanent this time. But there is going to be NO ONE for a while.

If I ever imagine an unfortunate scenario (such as me needing a hospital stay). I dunno! My kid would have to live at the hospital with me! I swat away these thoughts.

We live rurally. Public transport is limited and unreliable. She gets a bus to school. But otherwise it's hit and miss because of our location. All her mates live in the nearby local town, which is an hour round trip for us. I feel guilty that she's isolated from them so I try to give her lifts as often as I can.

Nothing? Do they do (any) laundry /dishes/ dinners/ tidying?
If they don't lift a finger then frankly, would I fuck lift a single finger for them. I certainly wouldn't be ferrying them around to where they want to go at the drop of a hat. - assuming they are NT and physically able bodied.

We were all doing our own laundry by age 12, we all had daily chores and during spring, summer and autumn we would be expected to work full days our small farm as well. Clean up after dinner, tidying and deep cleaning was a group affair with everyone pitching in. Parents wouldn't tolerate anything less.