Page 8 | To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

Sofielou · 2022-05-05T10:33:33+00:00

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else. We're surely not alone with this, are we??

BinBandit · 05/05/2022 14:47

My emergency contact lived 450 miles away.

tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 14:48

Marvellousmadness · 05/05/2022 14:44

Surely you have someone
Because if you have absolutely noone iwould assume its Because of you 🤔

The OP DOES have someone

her husband

what about is single parents with no family network?!!

Overthebow · 05/05/2022 14:52

We have no help either. Our closest relatives who would help are 3 hours away, so would come for planned events but wouldn’t be able to for emergencies or to help with pick ups.

I work part time which helps a lot, I don’t think I’ll go back to full time as we just wouldn’t be able to manage with two of us doing ft and I wouldn’t want my child in childcare 8-6 every day. We’ve also started spending money on babysitters a couple of times a month so we get some free time to ourselves and nights out, and make sure we each have an evening each week to do an activity or see a friend whilst the other stays in to look after DC.

tuliplover · 05/05/2022 14:53

No never had help. Both parents well into their 70s and lived abroad most of the year. My siblings also live in another country. In laws not interested. My husband worked long hours and one year was away 120 nights! My teenage stepson also lived with us, and no he did not do any babysitting or childcare!
I gave up work with my second though, so didn't have to juggle that. I also put my kids in all day nursery from one year for two days a week, and when second came along the oldest went three days. Kept me sane!

Babdoc · 05/05/2022 14:53

I sympathise, OP. DH died when the DC were babies, I was 250 miles away from the nearest relative and NC with my abusive parents who died 3 years after DH anyway.
I had one weekend away from my children in 18 years. And worked full time as a hospital doctor. It was beyond hard, while grieving my lovely DH as well.
You will get through it somehow, we all do. And the DC are very appreciative now they are adults.

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 15:01

Marvellousmadness · 05/05/2022 14:44

Surely you have someone
Because if you have absolutely noone iwould assume its Because of you 🤔

But there is a difference between having friends and family then having people that look after your kids, my mum would never have my kids she made that clear that it was my choice to have them, even went as far to say she brought up 6 kids alone with no help so why should I have any? I think she resents that she done it alone so doesn’t want to help me, I also have a dad but he can’t help as he is in a wheelchair, even if you have friends doesn’t mean they will look after your kids does it? Lots of people are not in a position to help for various reasons.

tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 15:01

Babdoc · 05/05/2022 14:53

I sympathise, OP. DH died when the DC were babies, I was 250 miles away from the nearest relative and NC with my abusive parents who died 3 years after DH anyway.
I had one weekend away from my children in 18 years. And worked full time as a hospital doctor. It was beyond hard, while grieving my lovely DH as well.
You will get through it somehow, we all do. And the DC are very appreciative now they are adults.

Your situation seems very different to the op
Namely, you didn’t have your husband and grieving children and yourself grieving.

i am so sorry for what you endured.

the op is no where close to this

Longcovid21 · 05/05/2022 15:02

I'm one up on you. I have no dp and no help. It's all relative. Count yourself lucky!

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 15:04

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 15:01

But there is a difference between having friends and family then having people that look after your kids, my mum would never have my kids she made that clear that it was my choice to have them, even went as far to say she brought up 6 kids alone with no help so why should I have any? I think she resents that she done it alone so doesn’t want to help me, I also have a dad but he can’t help as he is in a wheelchair, even if you have friends doesn’t mean they will look after your kids does it? Lots of people are not in a position to help for various reasons.

Show quote history

And my mum did have friends but she had 6 children so none of them were in a position to look after them, she was a single parent, her family lived in the north of England and she moved down to London just because someone has no help with their kids doesn’t mean they don’t have friends or family

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:05

punnedout · 05/05/2022 12:49

You’re definitely not alone. I am surrounded by ‘do it all mums’, who look amazing, have successful jobs and go for date nights with their OHs… all with a discrete supporting crew of parents, ILs, siblings etc. I, on the other hand, look completely knackered and am rarely awake and alone in a room with my OH!

I can definitely relate! We are so rarely alone in a room together (tbh we are rarely in a room together even with the DC as whoever isn't doing childcare will either be frantically doing other jobs or at work!). And I definitely look permanently exhausted and frazzled. I find it amazing that my DP still finds me attractive (he must be lying)

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ChoiceMummy · 05/05/2022 15:05

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 12:28

*Are your children particularly high needs at the moment?
There are 2 of you, so it sounds like something beyond usual is going on if you’re both exhausted. *

The youngest doesn't sleep through the night yet, so we take turns and essentially both function on v little sleep whilst both working FT (partner also works a lot of overtime). Older child causes issues in a different way, and rarely helps in the house at all (she's old enough to). Often wants lifts here and there which is hard with a toddler who has very different needs and usually needs to be getting settled for bed when she wants to be ferried about. Both partner and I have different health issues as well as trying to work FT.

Not sure if that counts as "beyond usual", but we are both essentially exhausted 24/7.

You may not find this helpful, but you opted to have the toddler knowing the age gap and the various different needs your children would have thsy you'd need to fulfill..
It's not ideal to be doing it alone but you did sign up for this. Even if there were relatives closer, it wouldn't mean that they would be providing this level of support.

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:07

Do you or your DH never do the school run? I

Eldest is secondary age so goes to school on public transport, youngest is a toddler at childminder's (I do the drop offs on way to work).

OP posts:

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:09

AmeliaEarhart · 05/05/2022 13:54

I think having family members (usually retired parents) on hand who are willing and able to provide free, regular childcare is a huge unacknowledged privilege; up there with being gifted a house deposit or being able to live with parents while you save.

Hugely agree!

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tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 15:10

How old is your eldest?
i missed how many children you have?

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:12

AtticAttack3000 · 05/05/2022 14:05

You're not alone. We have no-one either. I often get friends complaining that the grandparents who take their kids for weekends, holidays, working hours are annoying because, for example, they got too many Xmas presents for the kids. I always want to scream that both my parents are dead & DHs parents are borderline abusive and we have no-one. (I do realise it's much harder for lone parents though!)

Yes. I want to scream similar things when my work colleague complains about her "over involved" mother who is commenting on her furniture and life choices, whilst providing a lot of free childcare for her and doing her washing. 🙄 I want to scream but she's not dead! I'd give bloody anything for my mother to come into my home and have an opinion on my furniture choices 😭

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tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 15:13

On a thread you started LAST week OP

You say you are considering having a third child??!

also, you have a teenager. So a husband and a teenager as your “someone”s. Surely a teen is useful?!

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:13

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 05/05/2022 14:08

No, we had no help either. It was tough.

A particular low point for me was when I was on my own prior to meeting dh and I turned up for an early agency shift at a care home (ds was in nursery). It transpired that the care home hadn't organised someone to relieve my shift at 4pm so I legally wouldn't be able to leave the building. Ds would be stuck at nursery and I was 30 miles away until 8pm! I was absolutely frantic. The stupid receptionist was asking why I didn't have anyone to collect him 😠 it was one of the worst days of my life because I was helpless to do anything. Eventually I told them I was going to leave no matter what and they cobbled together an enrolled nurse to relieve me. I just didn't care who was left in charge of the building by that point. I eventually got away and nearly squashed ds with hugs when I got to nursery. I'll never forget that day, it was awful.

I wanted to cry for you reading this, I felt a horrible rise of panic. I'd have been the same. I'd have just left, too.

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Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:14

ladygindiva · 05/05/2022 14:18

whilst reading this thread, I kid you not, have justr eceived an sos text from a school mum who has had to take dc 1 to hospital and cant collect younger dc. No hesitations, plenty of offers. People are happy to help if you ask ime x

Oh this is lovely and has lifted my heart.

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tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 15:14

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4537558-to-consider-baby-number-3

i mean life can’t be that hard OP if you’re considering adding another child to the mix!

theleafandnotthetree · 05/05/2022 15:15

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:07

Do you or your DH never do the school run? I

Eldest is secondary age so goes to school on public transport, youngest is a toddler at childminder's (I do the drop offs on way to work).

I just find it hard to credit that you have got a child to this age without picking up ANY friends via them as you know, friends or even as acquaintances with whom you can share lifts, call upon in an emergency etc. Did your oldest child not do any evening or weekend activities through which you could have gotten to know people? No play dates, parties? Apart from the practicalities of the latter, it's lovely to have other parents to bounce things off, complain to, etc.

Pallisers · 05/05/2022 15:15

It is very hard OP.

We emigrated so had no family nearby. But we were lucky too in that my MIL and parents both would visit and be a huge help then. And I had one BIL who lives about 4 hours away - he came to mind the children for my second and third births and once when dh was away at the other side of the world and he was staying with us, he cancelled work to stay on when ds was hospitalised - got the 2 younger ones to daycare and stayed with them during the night. I love him. If he hadn't been around I'd have asked a friend who lives nearby to sleep in my house.

day to day we either paid for help or had a network of friends who would help in a pinch. We live in an area where a lot of people are not from here so everyone is in the same boat and everyone was also looking for a network/someone to spend a saturday morning at the park with/someone who could pick up from daycare or school in an emergency. I worked but at every school we were in I ended up in a friendship/partnership with another woman not always someone who worked. I have one friend who was SAHM to four - I'd help her husband with lifts etc if she went to visit her parents or was away and she'd do the same for mine when I had to travel for work. I imagine if you live somewhere where people have family living close, it would be hard to build those networks.

The thing I missed the most was what my sister had with my parents - the idea of having somewhere to go on a Sunday say, just a house you could drop in on where they'd be thrilled to see you and the kids, would play with them for a bit while you chatted and were marginally off duty, and then you could go home again.

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:16

My NCT group was fabulous but they all worked FT and had a lot of local family support so I know they couldn’t comprehend how hard things were for me.

Absolutely relate to this, also. They are lovely people but they have so much family support, it makes me want to cry. I feel like the odd one out. One of them even lives in a house adjoined to her parents' house, and they provide the free childcare while she works 2 days a week. Another one has partner's family doing the childcare whilst she works 3 days a week. Meanwhile, DP and I are busting our arses working FT and paying for childcare, trying to do bloody everything.

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Drinkingallthewine · 05/05/2022 15:18

Pruneaux · 05/05/2022 14:38

@Drinkingallthewine you are fortunate your DP is able to wfh and you had in-laws once you moved.

If you have no one to help with the DC you can’t even join the PTA / have a hobby for yourself. I did the PTA in the evenings once a month for a year (paid for a babysitter) but the DCs begged me to stop as they wanted the time with me and I couldn’t justify the additional nanny costs.

Yes, like I said, we are very lucky. And DP is there in the evenings that I do PTA stuff and my hobby class, so I fully accept if you are a lone parent with no help that's impossible to do.

But I will stick up for myself by saying that for the first 4.5 years, I had a very inflexible workplace (a dragon of a supervisor who was itching for a reason to fire me) and at the time DP worked away maybe once or twice a month and we did have literally nobody near us to help in an emergency. Between full time nursery and our rent, my entire monthly salary was wiped out save for one weeks worth of grocery shopping - so even if we had a) the offer of a babysitter, and b) the fucking energy to stay awake past 10 pm, we had no money for a night out!

We were like OP in that DS never slept through until he was nearly 4 and it seemed to be never ending that we would get the call from nursery. Then you'd leave work and turn up and the calpol would have kicked in and he was grand, but you'd to still take him home anyway. I worked out that between us, we got called 22 times in the first 12 months of nursery to take him home. Mostly it was for teething. Then there was the bouts of chicken pox, headlice doing the roungs and on and on...

It was incredibly stressful and looking back, I'm not sure how we got through it - but we did, somehow. And OP will as well. Hopefully as her youngerst gets older, it will get easier, but for now, it's a bit chaotic.

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 15:19

@tomatoandherbs

It's not a race to the bottom. Please start your own thread if you want to discuss the challenges of being a single parent (I've also been there for many years with my eldest). It doesn't mean that I'm not also struggling now, despite having a partner. We both work very long hours and are frazzled and exhausted. That's allowed. My mum is dead, my other family are a significant distance away, and his family are no help whatsoever. That's fucking hard on us and clearly I'm not alone (as this thread shows). Surely i'm allowed to vent about it?!

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littlesnowdropfairy · 05/05/2022 15:19

You're not alone, Dh and I have never had help. We just try to work around each other but an unexpected sick day can cause chaos as he can't take time off without notice and I work by appt so I'd have a lot of cancelling to try and do. It's difficult but we manage.